The gift that keeps giving...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm 4 months out of 2.5 year marriage, she and her three kids got my boys and my home of 13 years... .we lost A LOT.  I've really had trouble letting go of losing our home... .my life savings... .and today I come out of the store and I'm loading up my car and suddenly I can here a group of teenage girls yelling "Fu$& you New Start!" over and over, when I walk around the car there's my NPD/BPDex's daughter and her friends across the lot... .wish it didn't matter to me what a bunch of 14 year old girls are yelling... .

Can't imagine the picture she's painted of me to my old neighbors... .

NS

[NewStart]

I'm 4 months out of 2.5 year marriage, she and her three kids got my boys and my home of 13 years... .we lost A LOT.  I've really had trouble letting go of losing our home... .my life savings... .and today I come out of the store and I'm loading up my car and suddenly I can here a group of teenage girls yelling "Fu$& you New Start!" over and over, when I walk around the car there's my NPD/BPDex's daughter and her friends across the lot... .wish it didn't matter to me what a bunch of 14 year old girls are yelling... .

Can't imagine the picture she's painted of me to my old neighbors... .

NS

[patientandclear]

You did lose a lot. This was definitely a tough sequence of events to endure--the material changes/losses as well as feeling betrayed by someone who really mattered to you.

I posted on your other thread that it seems important to consider how your pre-existing feelings of (vulnerability) (woundedness) (need) pushed you to enter this relationship with someone who ultimately doesn't seem to have had your best interests at heart. What kind of different healing process might be adviseable this time lest you be inclined to repeat the cycle yet again with someone new? (I know you feel you could never do this again but the thing is, it doesn't look like this at the outset.) Learning to heal your own wounds in a different and deeper way seems important. I don't recall--do you work with a therapist? I have been doing this work for 5 years now, punctuated by occasional setbacks with my ex. It's a long gradual process of becoming stronger and more compassionate toward myself. But I'm permanently on a path away from the strategy I tried with my ex: heal through exposing myself and dedicating myself to someone emotionally incompetent.

Take seriously that you have been deeply wounded, not just in this relationship. You are in line for some deep care now.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey NewStart, Sure, you lost a lot of material things, but you stopped the emotional bleeding, which is a big step in the right direction.  I'm sorry you had to go through that taunting episode from a bunch of teenage girls, yet it seems like you handled it well by not reacting.  You have your life back and you stand to gain something even more valuable: your happiness.  It's rough sledding, no doubt, and I don't underestimate the pain you are in right now.  Yet you have to go through the eye of the hurricane in order to come out the other side, so hang in there.

LJ