2 days of no contact

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Just as I'd taken the decision to stop chasing my ex and just be a friend there has been no contact for 2 days. During our last communication I told her that we always had nice times together and she promptly left the conversation with the words 'damned by faint praise.' I told her she knows that I care for her.

It is strange to be in a position where I know for certain that I behaved well. I could possibly be accused of not validating her in our conversation about her depression but I never got upset, emotional or sniped at her. So I feel comfortable with my part in the interaction. If she contacts me I shall be pleasant and say I assumed she did not want to talk as she left the conversation.

I don't want to get into any kind of altercation with her or raise the intensity level of any communication. I do miss talking to her but I know this is the best way forward. Talk to her when she wants to and try to put her out of my mind when I don't hear from her.

I have made a decision to fix my marriage problems and not fretting about my ex seems to be the best way forward. I am sharing on here so that I do not contact her today as I am missing her.


 

[RomanticFool]

Just as I'd taken the decision to stop chasing my ex and just be a friend there has been no contact for 2 days. During our last communication I told her that we always had nice times together and she promptly left the conversation with the words 'damned by faint praise.' I told her she knows that I care for her.

It is strange to be in a position where I know for certain that I behaved well. I could possibly be accused of not validating her in our conversation about her depression but I never got upset, emotional or sniped at her. So I feel comfortable with my part in the interaction. If she contacts me I shall be pleasant and say I assumed she did not want to talk as she left the conversation.

I don't want to get into any kind of altercation with her or raise the intensity level of any communication. I do miss talking to her but I know this is the best way forward. Talk to her when she wants to and try to put her out of my mind when I don't hear from her.

I have made a decision to fix my marriage problems and not fretting about my ex seems to be the best way forward. I am sharing on here so that I do not contact her today as I am missing her.


 

[patientandclear]

Just a word of support, RF. That seems like a great decision on your part that can possibly lead to a greater degree and different kind of happiness than in the past.

It won't be easy. You're going to miss her and there will be an irresistible-feeling
urge to be in touch. And you may resent and be hurt if she isn't.

She will almost certainly be back in contact and the challenge then will be to maintain boundaries appropriate to a platonic relationship. Right now she is the one enforcing those, but if you start to, it's not unlikely that she may venture into more ambiguous contact. It will be hard to hold that line.

Good luck with both pieces of this shift.

[Sunfl0wer]

Just joining in sending vibes of encouragement.

Might be a good time to put some energy into getting out exercising, meeting up with old friends you haven't seen, taking a hobby class, or the like.  

I've been reading around here a lot and seems I have noticed that folks who get themselves engaged in new/different activities tend to not only be distracted from their ruminations, but maybe find new ways to cope with the difficult feelings that will surface.

Personally, I ended up working overtime many hours.  That kind of delayed my grief some.  When work finally slowed down and I was left with my thoughts, it got hard again like it was new.  So maybe would have also helped me to engage in hobby type stuff at that time as well as working.

Just saying... .
Having uncomfortable feelings is par for the course.
Easiest imo, to accept this will happen, and redirect yourself proactively to ways to cope. 

Many folks seem to turn towards their ex for "relief" of their feelings... .vs actually learning to sit with them and feel them (aka coping.)

[babyducks]

A couple of thoughts RF,

first, validating is actually a hard thing to do.   it's not a skill you pick up in a week.   I would say it took me about a year and a half before I didn't actually stink at it.    And validating doesn't always work.   It's not a magic panacea.    at best it creates an opportunity for a productive conversation, it doesn't mean a productive conversation is going to happen.

second, dealing with the loss of the relationship we thought was everything to us is extraordinarily difficult.   we tend to pour a great deal of energy and emotion into these relationships.    for me some of that was good, some was bad.   

what happened  for me was that eventually it became blisteringly clear that there was no safe path forward in my relationship.    My Ex is bipolar 1 comorbid with a PD, most probably BPD.   I am depressive and mildly avoidant.    There was absolutely no possible way for us to have a relationship together that was going to work.   that was the practical reality.    It sucked.    I've never hurt like that in my entire life.

Sunflower is right... .it's normal to turn toward the EX looking for relief or the reason for our feelings. It doesn't help after a certain point though. 

I am responsible for my feelings just as my Ex is responsible for hers.

The only way I know to change my feelings is to change my thinking about things.

If I think 'this is the worst thing that every happened to me' it's guaranteed that I will feel like crap.

If I think this is a really horrible thing to have to get through but I can do it,  I still feel like crap but with a tinge of optimism.

What is important is to listen to my own self talk.   The stories I am telling myself.   And to keep that mild and reality based.

'ducks