Second breakup with partner

[Shadowmere]

Hi
I broke up with my partner of 4 years for the second time a few days ago.
The first time she left me was for 6 months. She had a good job and got involved with friends in the company she worked for. I out this down to her being 22 and being young, wanting to go out experiencing life. I'm 6 years older so have done all the partying and am much more of the mindset to want to settle down.
When she returned she proposed to me 9 months after and everything from then was what I thought being normal.
2 months ago I lost 2 members of my close family resulting in me.losing my job and having to take a step back as my world had been turned upside down. She was my rock.
In just 2 weeks I am about to start a course and am ready for work again. A few days ago we were doing a bit of gardening and having a laugh. The next thing I know she turns to me says that "I'm getting on her nerve and that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore." She also said she hadn't been happy since March which was prior to all my family upsets.
This has left me feeling confused , angry and alone. My trust in the human population has well and truly disappeared.  She's already moved into a house with friends and getting on with her daily life. I know I haven't been myself recently but if she was feeling like she was why didn't she say in March. Do you think this is an excuse?
She's been known to tell the odd white lie here and there and when we started again I told her my trust for her had gone but slowly it regained. I fear this maybe the end of it altogether as I still love her dearly however I also feel terrified that if she asked for another chance I wouldn't have the willpower to say no and save myself this heartache again. It may or may not happen.
Any advice would greatly be appreciated.
Thanks

[babyducks]

Hi Shadowmere

Welcome to the family.

I am sorry you are going through a break up.   That is hard to do.  When we invest a lot of our own emotional energy in a person and a relationship only to have that be lost, especially coming on top of your other losses,... .well that is all very hard stuff.

Can I ask,... is there some reason you suspect there might be a mental illness or the traits of one going on in your relationship?

Unfortunately there is no real way for us, or probably you, to tell if she was using your family upsets as excuse.   

What I noticed as I read your post was your concern that if she returned and asked for another chance you wouldn't have the will power to say no.    Most of us here have been in many many recycles of our relationships.   We understand how that feels.

It was a brave idea to reach out here for support and help.   Do you have others, family and friends who are supporting you right now?

'ducks

[Shadowmere]

Hiya Ducks
Thanks for replying. When she left the first time and came back she went onto antidepressants. And I was talking to a colleague in work who had said that her partner had this behaviour and said it was similar. The way my ex left there was no real indication as we hadn't argued or had words about not being happy. My family stuff all happened in June and she said before she left she hadn't been happy since March. Why she never talked about it is confusing. Also friends and family who have been around us up until the day she left said she was smiling happy and didn't seem any different.
When she returned the first time she said she regretted leaving in the space of 24 hours of being gone. 9months into the relationship she proposed to me and now all this.
Sorry if this doesn't make sense I'm feeling very confused and upset.

[babyducks]

Hi Shadow,

How are you feeling today?

Many of us have gone through a bunch of push/pull in our relationships.   A lot of I hate you, don't leave me, I love you, go away,  I never loved you at all,   you have always been the one I loved.

You are right,   it's very confusing.  People who have traits of this illness,  are prone to very intense emotions that change rapidly.  Impulsive, with limited coping skills they can act on the current emotion without recognizing how that impacts the people around them.

To be fair so can we.    What makes people with BPD different is a long term pattern of intense and high conflict relationships.   Does that sound like what you've experienced?

Over on the right hand side of the board is a box that says Choosing A Path     go ahead and click on number 4 and see what it says.

'ducks

[spacecadet]

I'm really sorry you're going through this. You've had so many losses in a very short span of time, it's only natural that you'd feel very grieved and bewildered right now.

It's not clear to me that your gf has BP issues, she may just be young and rather self-centered and not emotionally mature enough to handle these tough breaks that happen with adulthood.

You took the very brave step of ending the r/s because it was not nurturing and safe for you.

Might there be a grief support group you could join to air and walk through these terrible feelings of loss? Is your larger family, or your perhaps your faith community, one in which you can huddle close together to jointly share the sadness and provide support to one another?

Wishing you healing... .