Ex said she didn't like the way I was behaving but won't let me change it?

[sadboi]

Hi all, I know I have been posting so much, but this breakup is still fairly new to me and the advice/support I get on here always seems to help.

In summary, my ex and I were working on our friendship when her new girlfriend told her she had to choose between their relationship or our friendship, so now we are no longer friends.

In my last post, I explained that my ex and I are in a lot of the same social groups and we attend the same university so it is impossible for us not to see each other.

When my ex sees me, she always wants us to make meaningful eye contact, exchange brief conversation, etc. This is hard for me, and I don't fully see the point. If it was up to me, we would still be together and at the very least, friends, but she chose not to have that, she chose to cut me out of her life, so that's what I've been doing, I don't acknowledge her when I see her.

Our final conversation when she ended things between us was nice even though I was hurting a lot; we told each other how much we cared about one another and so on.  She messaged me yesterday saying how it hurt her that I don't acknowledge her. And I was EXTREMELY nice to her in response, I told her that because we ended things on good terms, I thought we both understood that we still care about each other a lot but we just aren't in each other's lives now. I then asked her if it would make her feel more comfortable if I said hi whenever I saw her.
She replied by saying "You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. That's not the point. It's just how things are and I don't like it and it makes me sad. This whole things makes me sad. I can barely function."

From what I can tell, and from what mutual friends have told me, she seems to be functioning just fine. She's got her new girlfriend that she is obsessed with and thinks will save her.

But still, I do care about her and so I responded with "I'm asking what I can to do make you more comfortable! I know I don't have to do anything, but I would like you to feel like things are the best they can be given the circumstance."

She said "I really don't want you to have to do anything."

I said "you know I don't want you to be hurting. I'm offering to try and support you through this with the limited capacity I have." I meant this in a nice way, as in I can't do much because we can't be friends, but if I can change my behavior for our small interactions, then I am willing.

She didn't take it that way, and she said "I know you are you don't have to throw it in my face like that. I'm sorry I made you feel like you had to try at all. You have no reason to try for me anymore."

I explained that I wasn't trying to throw things in her face, apologized for how it came off, and said I am trying to be soft and understanding. I then told her that I care about her happiness and health so of course there is reason to try.

She then just sent a message that says "this feels so wrong" and when I asked what feels wrong she said "the way you're talking to me, this just isn't right. But that's my fault. I'm not going to feel okay but thats okay. Don't worry. I'm glad you're okay."

I told her that the next time I see her I'm going to say hi and give her a big smile and she said "please don't." So I asked if she'd prefer I ignore her and she said "just whatever feels natural to you."

The conversation ended with me saying this is so hard because our relationship changed and there is no natural, but that I'm willing to adjust for what will make her feel comfortable. She didn't reply and that was that.

The conversation was completely circular. She told me she was upset and when I offered to try to change what was upsetting her she said not to. I cannot win, but that is not a new feeling.

In all honesty, I think she is just upset over the fact that I am not devastated anymore. I know we both check up on each other's twitters and right after she ended our friendship I was a total wreck and my tweets were all about how depressed I was and stuff. Lately I have been tweeting about how I'm growing and re-finding myself and stuff. They are happy and positive. I am not doing this to spite her or anything along those lines, it is just a really nice outlet for me.

I feel like she just wants me to be a sad mess without her even though she is with a new girlfriend and stuff. It hurts because when I was sad, she thought nicer things about me, but now that I am doing okay, she re-finds her anger. She starts tweeting stuff about how her past relationships were toxic and so on, which I know she wants me to see. She really devalued me in the end, and like a lot of us here, I supported her through immensely hard times. And to know that she thinks that I was terrible to her and stuff is devastating. But I haven't been reacting to her tweets and stuff, and I am trying to check her page less and less. I am just including this information to explain that I think her current bad feelings towards me aren't TRULY about our interactions, but rather because she is upset that I am doing okay.

I sent her a text this morning suggesting that we have a conversation to determine boundaries and expectations because we never had that and I feel like we need it because we see each other still. She didn't reply even though I know that she's seen it.

What do you think I should do/how should I proceed? I was doing really well the past couple of days, but this has all got me extremely down now. I feel like I can't win. My first choice was to have her in my life. But SHE cut me out, and now that I'm doing okay she's mad? Maybe part of the problem is that her opinion of me still matters. Logically I know that what she feels towards me is essentially irrational, but it still hurts. I have forgiven her for so much, and I wish we could just not be in each other's lives but still be on good terms.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi sadboi,

Whether consciously or not, she will have a sense that if you are heartbroken and pining for her this makes you more likely to 'fight for her' and take her back should she come running for a recycle.  Seeing you feeling better in yourself, growing and healing is a threat to that availability to fulfil her potential need in the future.  This may sound a little blunt but in reality it is all about her needs and the pattern she has in relationships.  The tendency to triangulate is very common in a pwBPD, effectively keeping an ex or a new prospect lined up and on a back burner whilst in a new r/s.  Her reaction to your behaviour towards her may be a glimpse of the turmoil she is feeling inside around her impression you are less available. 

You say that interacting with her more than you are is hard for you.  Consider your own needs and put these first right now.  She made her choice as you state.  Use this time wisely and continue to invest it in you.  The future is an unknown quantity.  What we do have is right now and I'd simply behave in a way that you are comfortable with under the circumstances.  If in time she makes a real play for you, you can be in a better place and make your decisions about how to proceed based on that at the time.

Love and light x

[sadboi]

Thank you for replying Harley Quinn,

My ex hasn't been one to recycle before. I know her dating history, and she's never been with anyone more than once, and she's typically been very good at cutting exes out of her life and not minding them. She always told me our connection was more special than anything she's ever had, but from what I've read from other people posting on here, that's a pretty common thing for someone with BPD to say and I bet she said it to people in the past.

When we said goodbye, she did say things like "can this not be a goodbye forever, can this be a maybe in 2 years?" Which kinda does make me feel like she IS keeping me on the back burner.

I have gotten to a place where I am no longer just sitting and hoping that she'll come back. It is just easier for me to know how to interact with her and stuff when I know her intentions and thought processes and stuff.