New here and need advice on co parenting with a partner whom has BPD

[MamaBear007]

Hello. I am desperately seeking support and advice. After surviving domestic violence and going through a nasty divorce, I found and fell in love with the girl of my dreams. I have twin 8 y/o girls from my first marriage and they have always been the highlight of my life.  After about 2-3 months of meeting my now partner she starting acting very bizarre and would randomly pick fights with me for no apparent reason.

I remember one of our first fights. She fought with me for an hour because I put her daughters sock in the laundry bag instead of a net sock bags she has always used.  I simply picked the sock out of the laundry bag and put it in the net bag but the argument continued and escalated quickly. After that fight was over she claimed her severe anxiety was the root and never really apologized for her behavior.

I moved on and put it behind me, just thinking everyone has a bad day.  Fast forward, around 6 months of our relationship and many fights later she finally opened up about her BPD.  I love her and want to be there for her.  I am a biologist and understand genes aren't something you can just turn off. Mental health issues are so easy for people to brush off and say she needs to get over it or get away from her fast. If I place myself in her shoes, I feel like she has it worse than me and is actively trying to get treatment.  

I accompany her to some of her therapy appointments and read books about the disorder to help me understand and deal with the outbursts. We are now together for approximately a year and things are getting worse and worse.  She has tried different meds, different doses of current meds and nothing seems to control her ever so fierce oral lashes. They cut me to the bone.

WORSE yet, my kids are starting to see her outbursts, the ones I have always been able to protect them seeing.  It seems like my children trigger her even more then me.  I can't explain to an 8 year old that Mommy's girlfriend is sick and needs to be left alone.  Their first instinct is to either run and hide or go give her a hug - neither of which are helpful in the moment.

I am NOT in anyway saying I am perfect.  I sometimes react in a way that escalates things even quicker.  As stated before I come from a history of abuse and her violent outbursts (NO she has never hurt me or my children but has scratched herself to the point of bleeding many times) can trigger me too in a way that my responses come out mean too.  

Also, when faced with her demeaning my children its hard for me to sit back and hear her say my kids are disrespectful, lazy and spoiled when I know they are awesome kids.  So, needless to say I am trying to adjust my tone and reactions in certain situations and this has proven to be very difficult for me. Some days I feel like I'm a dead man walking without a single source of support.

I want so badly to make this work... .when things are good, they are GREAT and we get along great as a family!  My girls truly do love her but there are times they tell me she yells to much and that scares them. A part of me wants to kick my own butt for allowing my children to be witness to this.  I'd love to hear from our couples/parents that have had successful relationships. Any advice or suggestions are greatly appreciated.  Help me feel whole again.  Thank you in advance.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi there,

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. Nothing easy in your life, so it seems. You just found hundreds of people who get it, so we will support you in the best way we can. And your experience will help us too.

So your home is, your gf, you, and 2 girls. She doesn't have kids, right? There are many same sex couples here. I can relate to the part of having kids and co-parenting with a pwBPD. I'm raising 2 kids from her previous marriage (with abuse too).

I know how frustrating it's to argue. I felt beaten many times. Specially when I knew the reason to be fighting was over, or wasn't even true to begin with. The only clear thing was that fighting was bad for everyone. I can say that we have maybe 5%of the arguments that we used to have, and they don't last as long. And what I did was less, not more.

Do you have the feeling that things are rushing and you can't make plans? That you are reacting, instead of acting?

I send you this, but I'll come back.

[MamaBear007]

Thank you so much, JoeBPD81 for the warm welcome, support and the hope that things can get better.

My gf does have a 18 month old child, so in our house it is me, my gf, her daughter and my two daughters.  I feel better already knowing I'm not alone.  This is a subject that I really can't talk to any of my friends about because they would all just say... .leave and that's not what I want at all.

The arguing is beyond frustrating.  One minute things are going great and the next minute I feel like I'm the worst person on the planet.  Last night, for example, the evening was going so well, lots of laughs, stories of the day, yummy dinner and then upon completion of dinner my daughter got up to put her plate in the dishwasher and left three peas on her plate.  My gf starting going off on how the house rules are to clean your plate and that didn't happen so in turn no one can have dessert.  I felt so bad for my daughter because she just cried for ruining everyone's dessert, when I know she didn't maliciously leave the peas to spoil anyone's dessert. All I could do is hang my head. Eventually things calmed down but I'm always left wondering why things have to be so difficult.

Yes, I always feel rushed.  If we do make plans, they always seem to change.  Yes, I'd be the first to admit I react before thinking. 

I'm very interested in hearing any suggestions you may have.  Thank you again!

[DaddyBear77]

Hi MamaBear 

I am really glad you found your way here - yes, one of the best parts of being here is that many of us have been in very similar situations. It's a great place to talk about things.

Let me just say that when I read this... .

I felt so bad for my daughter because she just cried for ruining everyone's dessert, when I know she didn't maliciously leave the peas to spoil anyone's dessert.

... .my heart sank. I feel so much for your daughter and for everyone involved. This must have been so hard to witness. I've been in a very very similar situation with my wife. We have one 4 year old daughter.

Was there any follow up conversation after this incident? After things calmed down and the kids were all in bed, did you have a conversation with your partner?
 Do you feel comfortable letting her know you disagree with the way she approached the discipline?

I ask these questions because, personally, I am scared to death of confronting my wife after the fact. One reason is that I value the "calm" periods so much, I don't want to "rock the boat" when I have the chance for a peaceful night on the horizon. The other reason is that her anger and rage is incredibly intimidating. These are most likely irrational fears based on my past experiences, but they're real even if they aren't rational.

The problem is, though, that when this pattern goes unchecked, we start to lose ourself - our self esteem, our authority, our autonomy.

Check out this article here: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) and let us know if any of this sounds familiar to you.

-DaddyBear77 (no relation  )

[JoeBPD81]

Hi, that's a loneliness we all have felt. Even therapists say "leave" and we are left feeling something must be wrong with us for wanting to stick around and find out something no one else understands. The truth is that we understand how not having all the pieces this puzzle doesn't make sense from the outside. But as I told you, you just found hundreds of "insiders".

That dinner scene sounds scary, as in the balance sounds so delicate that you must be tired of trying to be aware of anything that could go wrong. That's the provervial walking on eggshells. Did you agree on the rules and the punishment? Those sound too harsh to me, but if you agreed it was your choice. What could you have done differently? I assure you, it was not your fault, but nontheless, could you have fixed it? I can only think about encouraging your D "Come on, 3 more peas and you've cleaned your plate like a champion!"

But is that good? You have to think long and hard about limits. Is this acceptable? Is that making you do things that are against your own values or how you want to rise your daughters? There is a buch of stuff we will do for our loved ones, but it is also needed to have things on a list that we won't do. "I understand you think like this, but I/we are /not going to do that." And be firm about it, even if there are complaints. In the long run it's better for everybody.

How do you feel about that rule in that respect?

I recomend you the book "loving someone with BPD". It is a must that you take control of your actions. You are going to be the grown up here. You need to practice to calm your emotions, let go of judgements and putyourself in a state where you can think, before you act. To do things with a purpose,even if it means, at the begining, doing 25% of the things you used to do.

You need to take down the feeling that you are responsible for the relationship, and at the same time, turn up the knowledge that you can be responsible for what you choose to do.

It seems too much at the begginning, and we fall a lot of times before we learn to skate. But it's about stopping the things we did a hundred times and never worked, simply not doing them. And bit by bit planting seeds of new things that grow to make big improvements.

Detect things that don't work, that make it worse. Instead of one of those things, stop, breathe, listen, validate her emotion, and listen again. Listen to her and to yourself.

I know I sound too abstract, you know the situation, and what resonates with it. Tell us more, and maybe we can think of small things you can try to change for the better.

Anyone feels like helping brainstorming on this? Don't be shy. What works for you?

I know I stopped wanting her to see reason, even if is something as important as "I am not cheating on you", I don't even answer, I talk about lunch, or whatever. If she can't drop the subject, I go out to take out the trash, or I excuse myself and go to read, or to do something with the kids... .If I say something to her, I'm sure I'm not pissed off first, I remember myself that I love her, and I say it calmly. Not in a defensive way. If nothing else, I have stop wasting hours in arguments that left as at the starting point again and again.

I think it will help you to know she is very immature in some emotional aspects. She might talk bad about your kids, as one sibling does about the other. She must be jealous of them, and that is sad, but she does not do it on purpose. She is not even meaning what she says (don't tell her that) She is saying: will you love me forever like you love them? Will you never leave? Will you forgive my flaws, and take care of me? But her adult self, very hurt, can't bring herself to be vulnerable and say those things. She thinks she is pathetic for having those feelings, so she attacks instead.

Kids can say the most awful and cruel things and 10 minutes later they tell you they love you, and you are their best friend/ the best father in the world. We understand that, but when an adult does it, we look for better explanations. And maybe there are not.

What do you think?