New Here - Just realizing my husband could be a high functioning BPD

[Happylost]

Hello well I'm here because I read the book How to Stop Walking on Eggshells.  I came across this book through my counselor.  My husband and I are in marriage counselling and I went one time on my own because he felt we were getting along well and didn't want to jinx our upcoming vacation.  I think that was one of my best sessions.  Anyway, we spoke about our relationship, with his approval of course, and my counselor told me she wasn't diagnosing him with anything but that perhaps the book may provide some tools for me to use and maybe I might recognize some things in there that both of us do.  I bought the book on my way home and started reading right away only to realize very quickly that my husband fits every parameter of a high functioning BPD to a tee. 

This realization brought me much relief as our relationship has been everything a relationship with BPD would be.  The up's and down's the name calling, disrespect, overly loving and affectionate one minute and for no apparent reason cold and isolated the next.  He does smoke pot, so I always attributed his severe mood swings to the drugs but it is so much more than that. 

We've been in a relationship for 3.5 years now and married just one year a few weeks ago.  My mother was ill coming into the relationship and passed away almost 2 years ago now.  I was very very close with my mom, we were definitely best friends.  A few months after her death I fell into what felt like depression to me but found it very hard to believe that could happen.  When I was 26 years old (17 years ago now) and 2 months pregnant with my daughter my first husband was killed in a tragic accident, I struggled with grief but was never depressed.  I wondered why now?  I spoke with my doctor and we monitored it for a while, I went to her in the beginning of February and by June I was starting a small dose of anti-depressants.  I am a very health conscious person and do not like to take any kind of medication so this was a really big thing for me.  I believe it was the anticipation of the help I hoped to receive but I almost felt better within a few days.  Over the next 6 weeks I was able to start to see bits and pieces of me again.  When I read this book and through reflection I am realizing that yes perhaps my mothers death played a role in my depression but I'm thinking my relationship was a much bigger star. 

Now, in the last few months I definitely detach when my husband is on a rampage or isolated or whatever he chooses to be.  I feel like when he sees me slipping away he regains his, lets call it loving side and reels me back in.  I love him very much and we have many common interests and can have fun together... .which much of the time feels like on his time and call.  I shared the book with him and he has read portions of it.  It was sad to see the realization wave over him and take him to a dark place, I never saw him that way before and it was harder than ever to try to bring him back.  He asked for help in a round about way but hasn't said anything about it since.  I want to stand by him, help him however I can and spend my life with him but I don't know how equipped I am to do this for life.  It is draining and I fear is also teaching my daughter some very bad ways of dealing with emotion.  I think of the peace of living on my own and when I do I feel relived but I just can't seem to just up and leave... .it's just not really me.

So here I am!  I figure I'll do what I do best and educate myself silly until the answer comes to me of what my next steps will be.  I am glad to be a part of this family and look forward to many discussions.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Frankee]

Hello, first off, welcome to our support center.  I have personally found this website is a great place to let off a lot of steam in regards to my husband's BPD episodes.  He also uses medicinal marijuana as a way to cope.  It actually helps him a lot.  It centers him, helps makes the mood swings less severe.  He went a day without his medicine and it was a "all hands on deck" bad situation.  We also have been together for a little over three years.

The day that it was self discovery and digging through some of his old psychtriatic paperwork when he was kid, that it clicked that he really had BPD.  I knew about his very hard upbringing.  Abandonment by mother to alcoholic abusive father who ended up in jail and he ended up in foster care, juvenile facilities, jail himself, mental hospitals.  It was a relief as well and also a grieving period.  I knew that the kind of relationship that I had always wanted or thought I would, was dead.  The man that stands before me is dealing with severe inner struggles that prevent him from being able to give me stable, fully loving, supportive relationship normal people have.  I now find myself being the stable rock in the relationship.  His emotional turbulent sea of emotions leaves him feeling lost and angry most of the time.

I also have gone back and forth with thinking that I won't be able to handle this life to other times where it's more manageable.  It's even harder with this thought process because even though he does yell in front of our boys, he has never talked bad to them, hurt them, or done anything to make me think they weren't safe alone with him.  As a matter of fact I get jealous sometimes.  Sometimes I see him with our boys and he treats them better than he does me most of the time.

It is a draining life.  I have seen changes in him.  He has told me what he wants to change and I see him making an effort.  I also know that I need to make an effort on my part to be more aware of the things I say and do.  It may sound silly, but even something as simple as putting away my phone when he is around helps to diffuse a lot of previous argument.  He has lost steam of the phone debate because he doesn't see me on it as much as I use to be.  He use to say it was disrespectful to play with it while he was there or how I always had to use it to look stuff up or check on things. 

If you choose to stay and tough it out, it is good you are taking the steps to educate yourself.  Until I started reading and figuring out how to handle situations, we would always have the same arguments over and over and I couldn't understand why simple logic was having no affect on our arguments.  When I figured out I needed to address his emotions first and see past his constant rage, anger, and hurtful words.  We had a really bad argument yesterday and even last night he got really sh*** with me about picking up our oldest from school.  I said I got it taken care of and basically ignored it and went back to sleep since I had to wake up at 6am.  This morning before I left for work, I went it to say bye.  He grabbed me, pulled me under the covers and held me tight.  Almost seemed like he was about to cry, he shook and said he loved me so much and asked me to stay with him for a little bit before I left.  I did. 

I know it's a short lived moment of raw feelings where I feel like he actually does love me.  Unfortunately, I also know that once he gets up out of bed, something will happen to set him off and he will get angry at me for something.  Probably me leaving my phone at home or accidentally taking his bank card.  Something small that "normal" people would brush off as no big deal.  It's going to be a huge inconvenience for him and he will be mad that he has to make an extra stop before work.  This is where I am.  Starting to see the patterns of what makes him mad.  Most of the time I can avoid them, other times, life gets in the way and I simply forget with everything else going on.

It's going to be a hard and sometimes turbulent road, but if he genuinely wants to change and makes an effort, it will get better in time.  All mine wants is time and patience.

[Happylost]

So the issue for me is, what kind of life is this.  I'm not sure I can or want to do this anymore.  I do love him and I know he loves me but I see him in a new light and if he doesn't do something to try and get some help I don't know that I am equipped to do this for the test of my life.

Prime example... .this morning everyone was sleeping and I couldn't anymore, I was undecided whether I wanted to go to the gym or not so I did some laundry and cleaned up a little.  Then I thought, you know what I am going to go.  I went upstairs to get dressed and I went in our bedroom and put my hand on my husband, he rustled and I said lightly I'm going to the gym.  I kissed him and said I love you, he said have fun.  I said thank you.  I went downstairs and got my water ready, found my headphones and I hear him flush the toilet.  I started to rush like mad because I wanted to get out before he came down... .because I knew what was coming.  I did not get out in time.  He walked in the kitchen and I said did you have a good sleep, he said yes, you?  I said not bad.  He started making coffee, banging things.  I went up to him, kissed him and said I'm going now I love you, he said see ya!  Now normally that would've hurt, as of late I don't even care anymore.  As I was leaving he said take a key because im not sure I'll be here when you get back, I said ok and left.  As I arrived at the gym I received a text saying "Im cancelling tonight with mike.  Enjoy your day." I said ok!  (We had plans for dinner with his friend and girlfriend)  That was it.   I think really... .this is nuts!  My life is a neverending rollercoaster of days like this. 

When I meet with my counselor next time I will be discussing leaving him however before I go to the appointment I will also discuss with my husband whether or not he plans to seek any kind of treatment.

I'm lost in our relationship and I want to have a normal relationship where I feel like I'm not soficated and controlled, it's crazy and killing me.

[Frankee]

I know how you feel.  I had the same kind morning... it just went a little different that I was even prepared for.  We had our rental people come yesterday to pick up our bedroom set.  The payments were too hard to keep up with so we let it go.  So this is how the rage started... .He got upset that there weren't any towels (have to wash them), couldn't find his under clothes or socks (sitting on top of my stuff), couldn't find his shirt (in the bathroom), couldn't find his box (didn't look or ask me before he got mad).  I handle it pretty well until... wait for it... he accused me of moving his box saying I was lying about it being on top of the safe.  I threw my hands up and said "now why would I lie about that?"  Of course, wrong to say and do.  That pretty much threw us into a huge blowout. 

His rant... I was doing this on purpose because I want him yelling in front of the kids, because I'm trying to turn them against him, and make them hate him, I enjoy making him mad, I'm trying to get him angry, I could have deescalated it, I chose to escalate it, me clearing my throat was saying "hm" and I was doing it because I know it pisses him off and that's what he was going to start doing to me when I say something... he's going to find another wife, someone else to have his kids call mommy, that they need to get use to not having a mommy, how I neglect them, especially our oldest, just like I neglect him... this next part was the key comment... how HE grew up with a mother just like me and they don't need to be around someone manipulative (serious mommy issues), how he was going to start putting his fist in my face when I did that... so on.  I didn't really react very well at first.  Got angry, frustrated, and argued.  When I gave up, I sat there quiet, which he gets even more mad about.  Says I purposely get him angry, so he'll start yelling, so the kids will think something is wrong with him, says he's going to start telling the kids I'm an as**** so they'll think something is wrong with me, and how I intentionally did all of this just so I could sit there quiet and act like the victim.  Carry's on about how I'll really hate him after he makes me quit my job, forces me to be a stay at home mom without any shoes... etc etc.  All of this was triggered because I argued about the FACT that I moved his boxed because it was on the nightstand and he think I'm lying.  I know there is more too all of it, but that's the trigger.

I understand the yo-yo, controlled, suffocated, crazy feeling.  The things he says to me... blows my mind, leave me shell shocked, jaw hanging open with all the craziness that he just spewed... and yet, I'm not supposed to react, get angry, get defensive, get hurt... tell me how it is not human to react to all of that.

I wish I had the courage to talk about counseling, but previous attempts to bring up the subject have left me to blame with having problems.  He'd turn it around on me saying that I am the one who needs help.  So as of now, left to my own devices to try to figure out how to be in this relationship without becoming the mental case he wants to peg me for sometimes.

Stay strong and do what's in your heart.

[Happylost]

I'm so sorry you have to go through that.  I have a daughter in all this however her dad passed away so she's all mine and he doesn't have any leverage there, not to mention he downstairs really treat her like she is his step daughter. 

The only reason we go to counseling is because of years of severe emotional abuse (which I'm sure you know first hand) I told him if we don't do something to try and save this relationship I'm done and leaving.  This of course was said before I realized he is a man living with BPD.  Now I have wavering feelings, I look and him and think how awful it must be to live with that and feel that way.  He's been crying uncontrollably and asked me to help him and said he wished he didn't feel that way.  Then there are other times I look at him and think, there is no way I am a strong enough human being to ensure this for the rest of my days, especially because he asks for help when he's down but makes no effort to do anything afterwards.  I feel like it's a manipulation to break me down so I cave in to him because I really don't play along anymore.  When he freaks out I just carry on as normal, no mood change.  When he freezes me out and ignores me I'll still for example make dinner and let him know when it's ready.  If he doesn't come to dinner I don't say a peep about it and don't try to find him.  I've explained the disorder to my daughter so neither of us have any more questions about what's going on.  I am not mean or spiteful... .honestly I believe the years of abuse has finally flipped a switch in me and I am completely disconnected.

We run a business together and my steps this week are to start looking for a job.  Tonight I will let him know very calmly that I think he should get help for himself ( he has admitted he bears every trait) and that I'll be looking for employment, while still being devoted to our business... .but if there isn't some change we will just fall apart.

[Frankee]

Now I have wavering feelings, I look and him and think how awful it must be to live with that and feel that way.  He's been crying uncontrollably and asked me to help him and said he wished he didn't feel that way.  Then there are other times I look at him and think, there is no way I am a strong enough human being to ensure this for the rest of my days, especially because he asks for help when he's down but makes no effort to do anything afterwards. 

I totally understand.  Some people would say it's the victim and rescuer situation.  I fall into that feeling sometimes.  The moments usually after one of his outbursts when he's returned to reality.  I see him feeling broken and hurt, knowing that he's in pain for how he behaved.  He holds me like I'm an anchor, trying to... I don't know... prevent from falling apart, me leaving, trying to not feel the pain.  It wretches at my heart, because I really do know he loves me.  But he has some serious deep emotional issues that I can't fix for him.  I'm always there though.  After the explosions, trying to recover, showing him I'm still standing.  Sometimes I'm not phased by it, sometimes it destroys me emotionally and takes me serious inner strength to keep moving forward.  This emotional roller coaster they are on, they're taking us along for the ride and honestly it feels like at times, he's going to throw me right off.

Do what you feel is right.  If your gut is telling you that this is what you need to do, than do it.  I didn't listen to mine years ago.  It probably would have saved me from a lot of emotionally abuse.  Catch 22 though... I have two beautiful boys.  They are the reason for my strength.  I may have royally screwed up my life with my poor decisions, but if I can do right by them, it makes it worth it.  He's a great dad... sometimes I get jealous at how good he treats them... treats the better than me most of the time.  Anyways, for another post.  Just listen to that inner voice, it is telling you for a reason.

[Cole]

Happylost,

You are ahead of the game if he does have BPD. That particular book is a necessary read for anyone who has a pwBPD in their life. I came across it the same way; 3 different MC's recommended it to me when my wife was out of the room.

The reason they recommended it while she was out of the room is something of which you might want to take note. A "personality disorder" carries a very negative stigma, much more than other MI's because it sounds so personal. Often, practitioners will not even mention BPD to a patient though that is the real dx. My wife's Psychiatrist has dx her with bipolar and BPD, but only mentions the bipolar to her.

So, showing him the book would have put him in a dark place. My W found my not-as-well-hidden-as-I-thought copy of Stop Walking on Eggshells and it caused a two week long disregulation. Best advise I received when I found this forum was to not mention BPD unless she does first and make sure my BPDw never finds this site, as reading this can certainly be a trigger.   

Welcome and feel free to post and vent, we are all here for each other.