I broke NC and I am paying the price

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I made the horrible mistake of breaking NC in a moment of weakness. Things were fine for about a day before the exBPD dropped another bomb on me. With these people its always a matter of time before they do something completely dirty. Imagine walking around and not being able to tell that what you are doing is immoral,wrong,or unethical. That is what these people go through every day,they literally think they are entitled to walk on whomever they please to achieve their goals. Do not for a second think that you are special/important to a exBPD. They do not feel the same way we feel. Watch how they treat their own children/family members. If they will screw their family what will they do to us?

This seems like the only website truly dedicated to survivors of BPD abuse. BPD's have trouble attaching even to their own family members/children.

Anyways I made this thread so everyone that sees it sees me as the fool that I am. I know the urge is uncontrollable,but breaking NC is only guaranteed further abuse. a BPD will completely obliterate your trust in others for a long time. Please do not become jaded,there are great people out there.

Why do BPD's treat us like we are a disposable piece of trash? Do they not feel any shame?

[UKharry]

I made the horrible mistake of breaking NC in a moment of weakness. Things were fine for about a day before the exBPD dropped another bomb on me. With these people its always a matter of time before they do something completely dirty. Imagine walking around and not being able to tell that what you are doing is immoral,wrong,or unethical. That is what these people go through every day,they literally think they are entitled to walk on whomever they please to achieve their goals. Do not for a second think that you are special/important to a exBPD. They do not feel the same way we feel. Watch how they treat their own children/family members. If they will screw their family what will they do to us?

This seems like the only website truly dedicated to survivors of BPD abuse. BPD's have trouble attaching even to their own family members/children.

Anyways I made this thread so everyone that sees it sees me as the fool that I am. I know the urge is uncontrollable,but breaking NC is only guaranteed further abuse. a BPD will completely obliterate your trust in others for a long time. Please do not become jaded,there are great people out there.

Why do BPD's treat us like we are a disposable piece of trash? Do they not feel any shame?

[Skip]

Why do BPD's treat us like we are a disposable piece of trash? Do they not feel any shame?

Let's not generalize - I don't think that will help you make sense of things.

Let's talk about what is happening with you. 

As I understand, you ghosted your relationship 4 months ago. She contacted you recently and you demanded that she dump her boyfriend as a condition of talking to you. She said she needed a few days to do that. You then unloaded on her via angry text telling her that she is broken.

Is that right (please correct, if not, as I am doing it by memory).

So what happened next?

[UKharry]

Let's not generalize - I don't think that will help you make sense of things.

Let's talk about what is happening with you. 

As I understand, you ghosted your relationship 4 months ago. She contacted you recently and you demanded that she dump her boyfriend as a condition of talking to you. She said she needed a few days to do that. You then unloaded on her via angry text telling her that she is broken.

Is that right (please correct, if not, as I am doing it by memory).

So what happened next?

She told me she wanted me back.Things were going good when she told me she was going to go to the place where the boyfriend lived but she promised she wasnt going to meet him because she only loved me. I told her If she did that then I would leave. You can guess how that went.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi UKHarry,

We could... .or you could tell us  I'm guessing not well then?  This is another ultimatum you've given that looks like it didn't have the desired effect.  Would you say there has been a pattern of this between you in the r/s?

Love and light x

[UKharry]

Hi UKHarry,

We could... .or you could tell us  I'm guessing not well then?  This is another ultimatum you've given that looks like it didn't have the desired effect.  Would you say there has been a pattern of this between you in the r/s?

Love and light x

First time kind of worked and it seemed like things were going good(for a few hours ). I received the news about the travel plans and I could not believe the audacity of this person.

Anyways, I go through periods were I literally never care about the pwBPD. My guess is that I am addicted to having control and it is an escape from my other problems to focus on someone that is that damaged that clearly isn't treating me right.

I was with other women during our relationship but she doesn't know that. I already had a few experiences with the disorder and what I learned is that it is better to draw blood first in case they hurt you down the line if they cheat it won't hurt nearly as bad. I know it sounds completely unorthodox but being nice to these people usually yields little to no result.

Sometimes when you are dealing with a pwBPD it is best to give them a nice spoonful of their own medicine.

[Mutt]

Hi UKharry,

Why do BPD's treat us like we are a disposable piece of trash? Do they not feel any shame?

You must of seen something in her that attracted you to her?

What was the attraction?

[UKharry]

Hi UKharry,

You must of seen something in her that attracted you to her?

What was the attraction?

Met online and was catfished.  There wasn't much physical attraction if I am totally honest.I am in my late 20s she's in her early 50s. She's married but sleeps in a separate bedroom while the divorce is being worked on.We were not dating but had agreed to only have sex with each other. It was a difficult situation to say the least.

[Mutt]

So it was strictly on a physical level? I can tell that you became attached, what did you learn from this?

[UKharry]

So it was strictly on a physical level? I can tell that you became attached, what did you learn from this?

What do you mean physical? I wasnt attracted. It was more emotional. As far as attachment goes Mutt,I don't really attach in a healthy way. I sometimes think about females from over a decade ago that I used to have strong feelings for,sometimes I even dream about them. My problem is that I look for love in places where i know i won't receive it to fend from true intimacy. I am not too sure I learned anything Mutt,I always say I am done with BPD's and it always ends up the same.

Mutt what makes me hurt the most is thinking to myself "If i wasn't such an ass I would be in an even worse position". An empath is no match for a BPD from my perspective. These people use and abuse.

[Mutt]

These people use and abuse.

I had poor boundaries for years and didn't take care of myself, I didn't understand what that meant because my father is mentally ill so I didn't learn from his example, I learned that many years later. I didn't really have a model growing up and the choices that I made in r/s where not choices that I would make today, I dated an alcoholic that was emotionally abusive but she had a very difficult past with sexual abuse, she had minor BPD traits though, I dated similar women not alcoholics but they had BPD traits but they were not as severe as my ex, I got here because of her. It felt like the women that I met gradually had worse traits, I was also very depressed / anxious, I wasn't taking care of my depression, I was doing things out of need. All of these things were there way before my ex wife, I can't blame the way that I was raised and my depression on her?

I believe that the most difficult people that are in your life are there for a reason, my ex taught me to not put up with abuse, I mentioned poor to a lack of boundaries earlier, in a way I was leaving it up to someone else to know what how I want or don't want to be treat. She taught me about boundaries, self care, pulling the good people close to you and putting more boundaries on the ones that don't treat you right, she also taught me that the most important thing in life are the bonds that you make with others. Anyways, that's just my opinion and everyone has their own take on their experiences or what they think is important for them.

[Kelli Cornett]

Doesn't sound like you were into her anyway... .why would you want that back? You also said she didn't treat you right.

[Harley Quinn]

First time kind of worked and it seemed like things were going good(for a few hours ). I received the news about the travel plans and I could not believe the audacity of this person.

Anyways, I go through periods were I literally never care about the pwBPD. My guess is that I am addicted to having control and it is an escape from my other problems to focus on someone that is that damaged that clearly isn't treating me right.

I was with other women during our relationship but she doesn't know that. I already had a few experiences with the disorder and what I learned is that it is better to draw blood first in case they hurt you down the line if they cheat it won't hurt nearly as bad. I know it sounds completely unorthodox but being nice to these people usually yields little to no result.

Sometimes when you are dealing with a pwBPD it is best to give them a nice spoonful of their own medicine.

Are you seeing a therapist?  You seem to recognise that your pattern in these relationships is like a coping mechanism for your other problems.  Perhaps taking a step back from dating and focusing on the issues you have which drive you into these relationships and your behaviours in them would be a healthier option than pursuing someone you had a purely sexual arrangement with.

I hear some trust issues as a theme within your posts.  It reads like you were automatically expecting to be cheated on.  Has this happened a lot in the past?  I'm sure I don't need to point out that striking first isn't the foundation for a healthy and lasting relationship.  Is it possible that you were trying to sabotage the r/s as some part of you knew that it wasn't healthy for you to enter into? 

Love and light x

[UKharry]

Are you seeing a therapist?  You seem to recognise that your pattern in these relationships is like a coping mechanism for your other problems.  Perhaps taking a step back from dating and focusing on the issues you have which drive you into these relationships and your behaviours in them would be a healthier option than pursuing someone you had a purely sexual arrangement with.

I hear some trust issues as a theme within your posts.  It reads like you were automatically expecting to be cheated on.  Has this happened a lot in the past?  I'm sure I don't need to point out that striking first isn't the foundation for a healthy and lasting relationship.  Is it possible that you were trying to sabotage the r/s as some part of you knew that it wasn't healthy for you to enter into? 

Love and light x

It wasn't purely sexual. In her eyes she was my significant other,as in there was emotions attached and not just sex. I didnt sabotage anything she did,she doesnt know about what I may or may not have done.

[Skip]

Mutt what makes me hurt the most is thinking to myself "If i wasn't such an ass I would be in an even worse position". An empath is no match for a BPD from my perspective. These people use and abuse.

Sharing some thoughts with sincerity... .So being a jerk and hothead is how you protect yourself in relationships. It's an interesting life philosophy, especially considering that you are fully aware of it, and stand by it. It's also interesting how despicable you feel other people are (pwBPD), who do what you do... .anger, hothead, silent treatment, infidelity, serial dating... .its a study of double standards.

I don't sense you are here for help, you seem to have contempt for those who are wounded from  these relationships, but rather to spread a message to others to be more like you -  that people with BPD or BPD traits deserve it and it is the only way to avoid being hurt by them.

Is that the crux of it?  Or is there something more?

[UKharry]

Sharing some thoughts with sincerity... .So being a jerk and hothead is how you protect yourself in relationships. It's an interesting life philosophy, especially considering that you are fully aware of it, and stand by it. It's also interesting how despicable you feel other people are (pwBPD), who do what you do... .anger, hothead, silent treatment, infidelity, serial dating... .its a study of double standards.

I don't sense you are here for help, you seem to have contempt for those who are wounded from  these relationships, but rather to spread a message to others to be more like you -  that people with BPD or BPD traits deserve it and it is the only way to avoid being hurt by them.

Is that the crux of it?  Or is there something more?

Skip, I do not treat ALL women like that only those with BPD/malicious people. Why would I have contempt for people that are hurt by those with BPD? I live my life by the golden rule. I treat people how they treat me.

It is a fact that people who suffer from borderline personality disorder are incapable of intimacy.It is also a fact that people are interchangeable to those with BPD and other cluster b personality disorders. Yet I would upset people on here if I said BPD's are incapable of love,people would be upset.

Good people deserve to be treated good,bad people not so much Skip. I don't think it does anyone any good to go into denial about cluster B personality disorder. Jodi Arias has BPD,Casey Anthony is another one. Skip these people are pathological, their brain patterns are not like yours or any other human. Narcissist,Borderlines,Anti Socials, live and breath hidden agenda.

Anyways skip,I am not posting in any other threads besides mine. I am looking for advice and I do appreciate your comment.

[Harley Quinn]

UKHarry,

The golden rule is to treat others as we would wish to be treated.

I live my life by the golden rule. I treat people how they treat me.

I apologise if I misinterpreted your post where you said the following:

We were not dating but had agreed to only have sex with each other. It was a difficult situation to say the least.

Could you help me to understand a little more about your relationship with this woman?  Maybe you could share some more of the back story so that we can see how best we can help with your current situation.

Love and light x

[Skip]

Good people deserve to be treated good,bad people not so much Skip. I don't think it does anyone any good to go into denial about cluster B personality disorder. Jodi Arias has BPD,Casey Anthony is another one. Skip these people are pathological, their brain patterns are not like yours or any other human. Narcissist,Borderlines,Anti Socials, live and breath hidden agenda.

So why are you giving her ultimatums that if she complies, you will "date" her again?

It's a serious question. Serious answer, OK. 

[IsThisThingOn]

It is a fact that people who suffer from borderline personality disorder are incapable of intimacy.It is also a fact that people are interchangeable to those with BPD and other cluster b personality disorders. Yet I would upset people on here if I said BPD's are incapable of love,people would be upset.

It is also a fact that many without BPD struggle with intimacy. There are many traits associated with BPD. Those traits can also be found in people who are not BPD but rather deeply affected by experiences they have been through.

So, in keeping with the facts you've expressed:

- pwBPD struggles with intimacy ---> withhold intimacy because their struggle makes them undeserving

- pwBPD fears abandonment ---> abandon in order to not condone the behaviors associated

- pwBPD reacts due to feeling invalidated ---> invalidate further again, in order to not condone the behaviors

So on so forth.  Am I understanding your reasoning correctly on this?

Good people deserve to be treated good,bad people not so much

Again, in keeping with your reality here... .BPD's are bad because of their behavior. Fears and insecurities being expressed in the form of rages/outbursts. You seem to have a pretty good understanding of the fact that a lot of these fears and insecurities stem from childhood. Be it abuse, abandonment, chronic rejection... .the list goes on.

Their learned behaviors now qualify them as bad according to your multiple posts I've seen along with this very telling statement quoted above. Playing devils advocate here... .are you not considered bad for treating individuals with BPD badly? Essentially you are meeting negative behaviors/treatment with equally as negative behavior/treatment.

According to your statement: Does that make you a bad person undeserving of being treated well?

As Skip said, I don't get the sense that you're here for help at all. There are multiple boards here for individuals in separate stages within their relationships with pwBPD's. Some are in crisis, some are committed to learning new coping skills and strategies to build healthier stable relationships with the partners they love (regardless of their unfortunate BPD traits), others are learning coping skills and strategies on how to rebuild their lives and themselves after their relationships have ended (whether it was their choice to end it or not is neither here nor there. the healing process is the same) -- I've found myself on each one of these boards at some point or another through my journey. I cannot say I have encountered your facts or advice on how to better manage my R/S and myself on any of those boards.

With that being said:  What are you trying to accomplish? As in, what is the goal you have in mind when you seek the information/advice/responses that you do from other members on here?

I suppose I am trying to better understand the "big picture" that exists for you.