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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: With each hour that goes by...  (Read 664 times)
confusedbloke
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 205


« on: September 12, 2017, 05:06:27 AM »


I feel myself becoming stronger.  I am going to focus on me (although she is on my mind a lot).  I know I was decent toward her.
I initially made a beeline toward her because she was stunning.  My ex wife had insecurity issues, so this time I wanted to find someone that seemed confident in herself.  Seems that looks arent everything.  Im just remembering all the bizarre behaviours, but the more it happened, the more "normal" it became... .
Even tiny little things like she would wear one of her rings on her wedding finger.  At the time I thought it was sweet, but in reality, its just not normal...

Ive just actually for the first time in 3 months had a laugh with the guys at work, because im not obsessing over her pushing me away and me being shell shocked and in limbo again... .Im simply starting to realise that nothing I could have done would have changed the way she was with me... .

My mind has been consumed with this woman... .and all just waiting for a small amount of attention... .

Ive compiled a list of things that I need to get off my chest... .and this list is nowhere near complete... . 


Pros   
===   
Liked sex – let me have it when I wanted   
Proud to have her on my arm   
Nice body, perfect body   
Can be very caring and loveable and sweet - which made me elated   


Cons
===
Never had much money - hardly worked... .Is very tight, and yet projected that on to me.  Has no prospects – no desire to work... .worked about 3 months in 2.5 years ive known her.
Didn’t take her anywhere (toward the end) in case I had to pay again – she made me feel guilty as I earn (more)…  She just took and took… she said it was my “traditional” role to look after her… she even asked a load of men in a pub... they said yes the man should pay…  But I have a mortgage, car loans, credit card payments, child maintenance payments, and I'm happy to pay, but not when they are taking the p***.

Got drunk a lot – drank on a morning... .this was a major problem... .I was forever checking bottles

Said stupid things in a conversation... .things that were just confused

Shouted at me when drunk

Shouted at me for going out on the odd occasion

Could not be civilised when going out with me

If I wanted to go out, I had to on my own (toward the end), and cause a fight sometimes in order to do it… which she just used as her focal for not wanting to be with her

Didnt wanna know my mates - tried to get me to hate them

Ruined EVERY event, holidays, birthdays, xmas, new years... .just everything

Cannot take her to mums after xmas day

Could not be in same room as my ex wife... .this is another major thing.  My ex wife is nice, and exBPDgf abs hated her... .and there was no reason to.

Is incredibly insecure

Made it look like im the bad one in front of people

Could not communicate in same way

Ignored me for days – screwed me up, then blamed me for not wanting to be with her, and excluding her.  I used to JADE with her like mad on this one, but no amount of explaining would get her past the "you never want to be with me speech" I got... .unbelievably frustrating.

Made me nasty on texts when she ignored me

Smashed my house up, throws my clothes out the window, smashed my gifts up.

Made me have the lowest of low moods

Is selfish – doesn’t care about what I feel

Acted like a 2 year old in a fight – utterly could not reason with her EVER

Used to hit me - Ear still partially deaf with Tinitus from last October

Turned me into her….

Never knew if shes asleep, ignoring me, in a mood, drunk, so my anxiety went through the roof and I become horrible again on text

Texts only when she wants something

Is secretive - and just lied.  My god!

Would never call first if we had a fight – always me

Cannot drive after crashing her car – used to drink drive everywhere

Used to promise to cook dinners... .ended up me doing them all. 

Told everyone im a cheat

Cried to people that I beat her – and then a load of men came looking for me… and I still went back to her…!

Ignored me when she goes out or has something better to do - this was just revenge for her warped view on what she thought of me.

Pretends not to receive texts, then "gets them all at once…"

Her ex bf looked into my eyes and told me they had sex behind my back... .  This is a whole other story.  He was not a nice man.  And yet she would tell me how great he was when devaluing me.

She use to tell my 6 year old boy off when he was arguing with his older sisters... .I didnt like the way she did that... .she never saw (or wanted to see) that they had would him up first... .  Serious Daddy issues she had.

The list honestly is endless and Im going to focus on these traits rather than the handful of nice things... .  I have literally been to hell and back with this woman... .

And its time I accepted that I tried, I loved and then lost a woman who is incapable of being in a functional relationship.

Sorry - just venting again!
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Mutt
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
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« Reply #1 on: September 14, 2017, 09:58:54 AM »

Hi confusedbloke,

Your lists just made think about something my BIL said about my ex, he's got some pretty good euphemisms. He said the following in context with my ex's boyfriend, the one she had an affair with and how he'll find out that... .

The juice isn't worth the squeeze

Good for you that you had a moment where you could laugh this off, how do you feel today?
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
LoveLostHeart
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single, 4 months
Posts: 69



« Reply #2 on: September 14, 2017, 01:50:50 PM »

I think I can copy like 90% of your list straight over. Especially the Pro's part. I tried to make one of these lists before decided to finally break up when not in the heat of a fight. I got exactly as far as you with the pro's... .
It is so weird we adore these woman like they ARE our happiness. That we feel we NEED them to be happy ourselves, while, if we take a good look at these relationships we know that it actually just sucked.
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confusedbloke
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 205


« Reply #3 on: September 15, 2017, 08:44:20 AM »

I couldn't agree more Roy... .  If she wasn't happy, then neither was I... .and she really wasn't happy a lot... .!

Do you know something Mutt?  I dont feel too bad today.  Going out last night did me the world of good.  I had my "spark" back.  Woke up jittery and nervous again, but that soon wore off.  Its wearing off quicker everyday now that I know the situation... .now that I know its over!
She made me feel panicked, anxious and all over the place whilst she was with me, I really dont need that feeling now that she isn't!

I want to take back control of my life and not waste it thinking about a woman that treated me badly... .Granted, she couldnt help it, but thats irrelevant. 
Its not about her anymore, its about me.  And today Im quite excited about the future.  I noticed last night that I was finding other women attractive again... .Its been a while since ive felt that way.  It was just like the old me was waking up again.

I had a lot of love to give, and still do, in time I will direct it at someone who deserves it... !

So thats me today... .hopefully I can keep this attitude up and not sink back into constant ruminating!

Hope you are well also Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Mutt
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Gender: Male
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
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« Reply #4 on: September 15, 2017, 09:10:29 AM »

Hi confusedbloke,

So thats me today... .hopefully I can keep this attitude up and not sink back into constant ruminating!

I'm good thanks for asking. I'm glad to hear that you were able to enjoy yourself and not think about the ex, Just a word of advice, healing has moments, sometimes it's one step forward and two steps back. I think that you know that not everyone is going to treat you like your ex did, you can have some fun, keep doing it  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
LoveLostHeart
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single, 4 months
Posts: 69



« Reply #5 on: September 15, 2017, 09:51:01 AM »

I couldn't agree more Roy... .  If she wasn't happy, then neither was I... .and she really wasn't happy a lot... .!

... .

I had a lot of love to give, and still do, in time I will direct it at someone who deserves it... !

So thats me today... .hopefully I can keep this attitude up and not sink back into constant ruminating!

Hope you are well also Smiling (click to insert in post)


That is the feeling an attitude we are all looking for I'd guess:) Good job! Hope this will last today as well. Although I really don't feel like it, I'm going out for a few drinks myself as well tonight. Although I did notice that alcohol can make things worse. Hope I will be able to enjoy the night at least a little bit.
About her feelings and ours. Yes it's terrible. I could come "home" and I would be perfectly happy. Just a mood swing from her side could ruin my entire night. And of course afterwards, I believed I was the one who was wrong. I try to keep repeating all the bad situations and fights in my head when I start missing her. I try to see the relationship for what it actually was, instead of idealizing it to the few happy moments there were. It's not really working yet and it's not making the situation any easier at this point, but I hope it will in time. I also feel a tiny tiny bit stronger today because of spending a lot of time on this board. I made a small step. She was already ignoring me anyway, so I decided to block her on Whatsapp and Facebook as well. Not because I don't want her to contact me but actually because I want her to contact me soo much. But if she does, then what? I won't go straight back into a relationship with her. I broke up with her to give each other space, so we could work on ourselves, because the way it was this relationship was making me very unhappy. So I think it was better to block her ways of getting in touch with me. She can still call me, but since she always hated calling I am not expecting her to go that way. Actually, I am not expecting her to contact me anytime soon. I don't know her reasons for changing her mind and starting to ignore me, probably because I was almost begging. Maybe she just did it because she knows she will make me unhappy. I don't know the reasons and they shouldn't matter.

Her mother and stepfather did want to have a conversation with me. I pointed the BPD thing out to them and after they started researching and got her in therapy. I actually hope they will get in touch with me for this. But knowing them, it is something they say and then forget about it. Also I am not sure why I am looking forward to this conversation so much. I guess deep down they will help her fix herself so we could be together again... ARG I don't know, i'm getting lost while typing this.
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