Wife with undocumented BPD

[WildernessMan]

Hi all. I've been married to my wife for 21 years. We've been together 23 years. I've always known something was up with my wife but couldnt define it. Three years ago my wife insisted that our 18 year old daughter (now 21) see a psychiotrist for her awful social issues, prior to her leaving home for college. She did so and was quickly diagnosed with severe BPD. The psychirotrist said most prison inmates didnt even suffer with it as awfully as she did. Anyway, after researching BPD to learn how to cope with our daughter, I realized my wife also has BPD, or something like it. She is yet to be evaluated but I'm confident, as all the symptoms point directly to it.   

I have suffered with verbal abuse, to various degrees, for the entire time I've been with my wife. We have 2 other children, 17 and 14, who've been turned against me by their mom since they were old enough to understand what she was telling them. My olderst daughter confirmed this back in November, 2016, when she vented to me about her mom.

I have chatted with other women online for about a year or so, which I know isn't right. However I have done it stricktly due to loneliness, but mostly due to deep anger toward her. Anyway she discovered my messages to others and quickly circled the wagons, our children and her family, and filed for divorce. I was served with the papers at work on August 17, 2017. She insisted I leave the house, which I pay for, but I obtained an attorney and he said I shouldn't leave unless there is physical abuse or another really good reason. There is none. I just stay clear of her and she does the same. I am never invited to eat dinner with my wife and kids, and she uses this as a wedge between me and my kids I think. She is big into drama, whenever she can cause it, especially if our children are nearby. She refuses to talk in private - Only in front of our children. I can't tell you how awful and hurtful this feels to me.

We have not had a sex life in 10 years or more. And she has slept on the couch, or with our children, for years. That has hurt me deeply. I've talked to her about it off/on for several years but she continues to sleep on the couch.   

What hurts most is that she has worked for years to turn my kids against me.

Can anyone here identify with this? I have not yet read a story like this on this site.

[Tarquin42]

WILDERNESSMAN, Welcome to this site from another who has had a many decade relationship with a BPD wife. My situation is not as complicated as yours as we never had children but I still can relate to the pain of rejection from someone who you thought there was a bond. There are certainly others here who have had / or going through almost identical situation as you... .so don't ever feel you're alone.

Currently I'm on one last vacation with my wife who I will be leaving soon. She has been the woman who I thought I had married the entire trip short of any real intimacy. I'm not sure if I am seeing denial or a calculated plan to keep me around longer... .in any case I have used the tools learned from this site and feel either way we will still be able to part ways with minimal drama. My point in bringing this up is that whatever pain your wife has inflicted in the past will probably reappear unless they are under treatment (and even then I am not convinced). Please try to read as much as possible on this site to ease your ordeal.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Wildernessman, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear about your situation.  Yes, many of us can identify with the dynamic you describe.  Why do you stay?  Presumably you get something out of your marriage.  What is it?  I know these are tough questions.  I was married for 16 years to my BPDxW, so I understand your frustration.  Hang in there,

LuckyJim