How many of Your ex partners with BPD, broke 'no contact' after breakup ?

[Depression = 72% of members]

So some of You are really helping me going through my nightmare that is/was my break up. As of right now my BPDex cut me out of Her life completly. I now that it might be for better since no contact is actually something that I should be doing.
But reading some of Your stories, learning about BPD and simply taking under consideration human nature I was wondering... .Do You have any stories about Your ex partner reaching out to You after 'no contact' phase? It seems rather common that people with Borderline are wanting to come back to their "safe place" that was previous relationships after their 'new life' turned out to be disapointment. Do You think that it's possible even after year/years?

My ex is not in new relationship. I don't know if it rebound or not. I'm just afraid that I'll never hear or see her again. Here is topic about what happend to me if any1 is interested: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=314479.0

[Nero.]

So some of You are really helping me going through my nightmare that is/was my break up. As of right now my BPDex cut me out of Her life completly. I now that it might be for better since no contact is actually something that I should be doing.
But reading some of Your stories, learning about BPD and simply taking under consideration human nature I was wondering... .Do You have any stories about Your ex partner reaching out to You after 'no contact' phase? It seems rather common that people with Borderline are wanting to come back to their "safe place" that was previous relationships after their 'new life' turned out to be disapointment. Do You think that it's possible even after year/years?

My ex is not in new relationship. I don't know if it rebound or not. I'm just afraid that I'll never hear or see her again. Here is topic about what happend to me if any1 is interested: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=314479.0

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi TonyA(PL),

I'd ask if members were either split black or white.

[happendtome]

Tony, its hard to answer. Yes, i have read stories too where they come back, but what does that "coming back" actually means if its after years?

I think its more likely going to be just "hello" and "how are you". Because, after years we are probably moved on already and so are they. And if they will contact you then they just remembered you. Its hardly this that lets try it again. I think chance for that is rather small and you know why - because YOU have moved on and you dont want to go through this again. Maybe you dont think this way right now, but after years of silence you will start to think.

Its funny, but actually i felt yesterday first time after break up relief that im free. It was just a couple of seconds, but moment was clearly there. I have been waiting this to happen. I have accepted already long time ago that she is gone, but now i felt first time happy. Yes, it was just a short moment, but its a step to another level.

[Rayban]

It's not uncommon for BPD's to contact an ex after months, sometimes years after a break-up.  No two people suffering with BPD will act the same way, so it's difficult to say with certainty that they will or won't.

It's likely to occur when you finally begin to move on and have accepted the relationship for what it was. Why do they do it? Could be a multitude of reasons.  Boredom, something might have made them think of you, their current relationship has gone sour, mostly because they want to know they still have a hold on you. They will try to illicit a reaction out of you just for a reaction that the ex still cares. Indifference or knowing the ex has a healthy relationship with someone else is their worst fate.

My advice is don't sit around waiting.  If and when she contacts you (shouldn't be able to, if you've gone NC, but that's a whole different issue) You are likely to wish that they never contacted you to begin with. These relationships leave scars. Contact even years later could reopen old wounds. Not to mention recycles where you will forever chasing that high from the honeymoon stage. It's just not worth it.

Do you still have hope Tony that she will come back? What would you do if she does?

[Nero.]

Tony, its hard to answer. Yes, i have read stories too where they come back, but what does that "coming back" actually means if its after years?

I think its more likely going to be just "hello" and "how are you". Because, after years we are probably moved on already and so are they. And if they will contact you then they just remembered you. Its hardly this that lets try it again. I think chance for that is rather small and you know why - because YOU have moved on and you dont want to go through this again. Maybe you dont think this way right now, but after years of silence you will start to think.

Its funny, but actually i felt yesterday first time after break up relief that im free. It was just a couple of seconds, but moment was clearly there. I have been waiting this to happen. I have accepted already long time ago that she is gone, but now i felt first time happy. Yes, it was just a short moment, but its a step to another level.

I'm really happy for You! I hope that I'll reach a point when I could even consider being happy without Her.

My advice is don't sit around waiting.  If and when she contacts you (shouldn't be able to, if you've gone NC, but that's a whole different issue) You are likely to wish that they never contacted you to begin with. These relationships leave scars. Contact even years later could reopen old wounds. Not to mention recycles where you will forever chasing that high from the honeymoon stage. It's just not worth it.

Do you still have hope Tony that she will come back? What would you do if she does?

I'm embarrassed to say but Yes... .I have hope. I know Her and she's not the type that goes back. So I'm almost 100% sure that I'll never hear from Her again. And even if I will it won't be about us being together. More like "hello, what's up?" as @happendtome mentioned in the post above. So I know it's over. I know that it's the end. But I'm stupid and stubborn... .
What I would do? I have no idea. One part of me knows that I'll never forget what She did to me. How She didn't even care enough to send me a simple reply. So on one hand I would like to just... .Yell out all this pain that is inside me. On the other hand... .I would like us to have one chance... .One damn chance to try again.

But... .It is not going to happen. If over. It's finished. She doesn't care about me. Not at all. She's with another man - happy, maybe in love.

[Mutt]

Hi TonyA(PL),

I can understand feeling embarrassed, you shared true feelings, that takes guts. I still wanted to get back with my ex after we broke up but she crossed a boundary that's a deal breaker for me - she cheated.

Is there a chance that she's on a rebound? I can understand giving it another chance, if you choose to go back how about doing things differently? The tools that you learn here can transfer to other r/s's in your life.

If you want to try again, that's your call. Anyways we're here to support you with whatever you choose.

[Nero.]

Hey Mutt,

I totally get what are You saying about cheating being unforgivable thing. It's of course not the same but I also feel... .betrayed, after my ex found another man when we promised each other to wait (or at least talk about our future)

About Her being on rebound... .I really, REALLY don't know. I don't know much about rebound relationships, especially when someone with Borderline is involved.
I know that they are together since middle of July. I know that he was hitting on Her for a while before. I know that they went on holidays together last week.
My friends and my mom - people that knew my ex, are all saying to me that eventually their relationship will collapse. That her borderline issues are going to be back and either this new guy will not make it or she'll realise that he's just... .yeah... .rebound. At the same time everyone is telling me to be prepared that then She might be back. Looking for the only person that was always there for Her. And if/when that happens... .I should kick Her out of my life.
As for me? I have darkest thoughts possible. I can't stop picturing them, together for years to come. Living together, planning future, having kids etc. And I'm almost 100% sure that She'll never reach out to me again... .

The tools that you learn here can transfer to other r/s's in your life.
If you want to try again, that's your call. Anyways we're here to support you with whatever you choose.

That's the thing Mutt... .Right now I'm not even thinking about anyone else. But let's imagine that I will give myself chance to be happy with someone else. This new, poor girl would suffer consequences of my previous r/s because of my BPDex destroyed me and crossed me over. I can't imagine trusting someone as much as I trusted my ex. Not to mention that I've been involved in this relationship for 12 years... .I know that she had no problem moving on and giving up but... .I don't know. I'm not as strong. I'm weak and in love.

Thank You for support. I know I complain a lot, asking questions... .I just don't know what and how to do it... .I had suicidal thoughts, I take antidepressants and even tho I'm in really good physical form and I actually achived a lot professionally my goal was always to be happy with Her. And now she's gone.

[Mutt]

As for me? I have darkest thoughts possible. I can't stop picturing them, together for years to come. Living together, planning future, having kids etc. And I'm almost 100% sure that She'll never reach out to me again... .

Depression is tough. We don't know with absolute certainty what will happen between those two they might be together for a short time or a longer time.

Some members pwBPD get in touch a week, several weeks, months and sometimes years after the breakup. You never know.

That's the thing Mutt... .Right now I'm not even thinking about anyone else. But let's imagine that I will give myself chance to be happy with someone else. This new, poor girl would suffer consequences of my previous r/s because of my BPDex destroyed me and crossed me over. I can't imagine trusting someone as much as I trusted my ex. Not to mention that I've been involved in this relationship for 12 years... .I know that she had no problem moving on and giving up but... .I don't know. I'm not as strong. I'm weak and in love.

You are stronger than you think. I can absolutely relate with you with how painful this feels right now. It's hard to imagine being with someone else when you're still thinking about your ex, you're not always going to feel like this and not everyone is going to treat you like your ex.

I suggest to not look too far down the road, suicidal thoughts is from depression, I take anti depressants too and I've Jade suicidal thoughts in the past too. I'll give you an article on depression and have you takes to your GP or P about SI?

Please don't feel like you're a burden on the boards. This place is designed so that we have somewhere we're we can talk about this stuff without being judged. It helps to talk.

[Mutt]

Here's the article that I was talking about, maybe you have already read it, it's a great article that puts depression in it's context.

Depression: Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts

[Nero.]

Depression is tough. We don't know with absolute certainty what will happen between those two they might be together for a short time or a longer time.
Some members pwBPD get in touch a week, several weeks, months and sometimes years after the breakup. You never know.

That's another problem on it's own. I don't know. I don't know anything. All I'm certain about is what She said. But since not so long ago she lied to my friend how can I be even certain that what she told me was true?

My relationship with Her is over. And I'm starting to be worried that the biggest problem is not that I don't know it. But I don't accept it. And yet... .There is NOTHING I can do. She moved on. She's done with me. And like I said before - I don't think she'll ever reach out.

So here I am. In this limbo. I can't move on, I can't fight for us. I can't do anything but lie to outside world because I don't want to look weak. But even that I do while thinking "maybe she'll notice I'm doing ok. That I can live without her and she'll realize that I was worth the wait".

I'm such an idiot... .

[once removed]

hi Nero(PL)

So here I am. In this limbo. I can't move on, I can't fight for us.

i felt conflicted too. as i shared before, my ex ended the relationship when i was in a place of wanting to reinvest and taking steps to do that. it was a weird place to be, because i had wanted to end the relationship for a while, done a 180, and now it was over, and i couldnt simply do another 180. i didnt want the relationship to be over.

my ex rebounded too. at the time i thought it would be very short lived if not because of her issues. i had no way of predicting how they would work or not work. thats why its not fruitful to ruminate on how great it might be going. we really have no idea. i learned a bit from a mutual friend later on. it sounded horrendous, but not in exactly the predictable way id imagined. it sounded very foreign to me, hard to imagine, and certainly not the kind of relationship i imagined myself in or had been in. i dont know how the two of them felt about it. i know that they remained together for about four years.

anyway, i was very conflicted, because part of me did want to move on, but i wasnt ready to do it yet, and yet the relationship was not available to me.

the next steps are universal really, whether you get another opportunity, or whether you eventually decide you want to move on.

for starters, you want to get a handle on the depression and ruminating. one thing about the depression article that Mutt shared that always stuck out to me was the "garbage truck" effect. when youre depressed, your mind will often work against you, bringing up feelings, thoughts, images, that are devastating. thats whats going on when you imagine them together. see a therapist and/or a doctor. if you dont want to go the medication route, there are lots of great supplements that did wonders for me, that i can recommend. sam-e in particular really helped with my ruminations.

start working on being the best version of you, living the best version of your life. build yourself into a powerhouse. surround yourself with people who reflect the best parts of you. return to old hobbies, and learn new skills (the former will remind you of who you are and the things you enjoyed, and bring normalcy, while the other will challenge you, and build your confidence and sense of accomplishment). rearrange and redecorate if it helps - i painted my room. work out. read. when the days are worst, pour yourself into distractions - a movie, a video game, whatever. start setting goals of all kinds and working toward them. take creative action - writing was my preferred method.

include, among all of that, your work here. learn and practice (with everyone in your life) the tools directly to the right of the board. learn about BPD. ask smart questions of us that will inform your recovery. vent some too.

practice mentoring and helping others here. youll be surprised at the insight you give, and get, into your own process. it feels good to help others, too, and it gives us some sense of purpose and greater good in all of this. youll feel more connected to others. 

at first, a lot of the steps i took revolved around her. thats okay, and its natural. eventually they became more about me and getting my life back to normal, whatever happened. but let some distance grow in your heart and mind. why?

because it is best to grieve the old iteration of the relationship. it is best to close that chapter. that doesnt preclude holding out hope for a new one, but should the opportunity arise, it is best to treat it as an entirely new relationship. if she appeared tomorrow, you would understandably be a nervous wreck, possibly full of resentment too, there would be no trust, and it would crash and burn quickly. you want to get to a stronger place whether you want her back or you decide to move on. the steps are the same.

so you can accept that the old relationship is over, and still hold out some hope. maybe that hope will shift, and maybe it wont. you dont have to worry about or change that now.

and heres the thing. if you invest in yourself and your recovery right now, and learn the tools and skills taught here, they will be with you for the rest of your life. you will be wiser, stronger, and better equipped to navigate a difficult world than most of your peers. you will be a better partner. a better friend. if you decide youre ready to grieve and move on, you will have a more balanced and healthy approach to grieving, and what transpired in your relationship, and what you can learn from it and take into the future. if she comes back you will be well prepared to lead this new relationship into a healthy direction, and youll know what that will take.

i know that urge to want to do something, anything. put your energy into what you can control.