Mother and sister have BPD

[alohaheart]

Hello,
 I recently discovered my mother and sister have BPD. It has explained so many things for me, and has started to help me understand more about gas lighting. My friend who also has a BPD mother recommended I get support through online  support groups. I'd love to know more specific information on the gas lighting people have experienced. I'm choosing to have little contact with my sister, but our brother also has brain cancer. And his diagnosis is a doozie, so limited family time with her is not always an option.
Also no one else recognizes that she is BPD, so if I have LC with her, I separate myself from my family. It's a tough and complicated situation.

Anyone can relate? have advice or support?

[Turkish]

Hi alohaheart,

I'm sorry about your brother.  It must be hard to deal with,  especially so given your sister and mother.  pwBPD (people with) tend to have core fears of abandonment, and I'd guess they may not be dealing with this well. Given the emotional dysregulation common for a pwBPD,  they may also be dealing with this by lashing out and exhibiting the dysfunctional behaviors which have "worked" for them their whole lives. 

You may get some insight by looking for discussions on this page:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=45.0

Look for the threads marked with an "I" primarily.

What are they doing which is causing trouble at this point?

T

[alohaheart]

Thanks for your response.

Here's a little back story... .
My brother was diagnosed 7 months ago. I was having trouble dealing with it, and through some NLP therapy discovered that my sister and mother have BPD.
  My mother is a waif (and was a queen and a mix of the other at times when I was a child)... .and less extreme now that she's almost 70. She's gotten some therapy overall and is doing better, although still undiagnosed. 
  My sister is most definitely a queen/witch combo. She's 10 years older than me, so has  a parental figure in my life.  Mostly I've felt very left out of things with my older bro and sister growing up. Now that he's sick, it's just been tougher.
Also my dad is an addict that has never dealt with any of his problems. I call him emotionally autistic... .maybe he's a bit of a sociopath, or just so damaged from his childhood and years of alcohol abuse.

Basically growing up all I had to depend on as a safe person was my older brother.

As I am healing and getting better, I realize I want very little to do with my sister... .and little contact with mom and dad. (I've made firm boundaries with my father and feel fairly secure about it all)
 But with what is happening with my brother, it's tough to avoid her completely. And I feel especially vulnerable and sad right now. And also want to clear some of my old beliefs about myself created by her and my mother's words growing up.

But, with what's happening with my brother, it's hard to avoid her.

Recently she and I both went to his MRI appointment (with my SIL) to see the results of his cancer treatment.
She decided to pull me aside and tell me that she thought I was a fraud in my profession because I don't have a MA or PHD. That 20 years of experience in my field was worth crap. Verbally and skillfully torn me down.

I think the saddest thing is that my brother may very well be dying in the next year or so. (prognosis for GBM is incredibly ___ty)  and I'm faced with the fact that without him... .I have no family really.

My family and extended family all live close by, but so many of them are messed up or don't know how messed up everyone is. And I come from a wealthy, prominent family in my area. They all have a ton of money and walk around as if everything is fine.   
So if walk away from people, I feel like I'm missing out on family. But if I continue to participate, I'm in the same spot feeling like I'm as big as a pea and worthy of so little.


And if wasn't a participatory with my family, they would all feel bad and be hurt... .and wouldn't understand.
I wish I my sister would know she had BPD or my family would know and understand. I feel like I would be looked at as the jerk if I wasn't around at other family functions as much.


Sorry this post is a bit of a ramble... .hoping other people can relate or have some ideas about how to cope better

thanks

[Turkish]

For your mother to pull you aside like that and tell you those things,  at her son's MRI of all places,  was unbelievably cruel... .

As an adult, my mother wasn't overtly cruel to me,  but every once and a while I'd get the vibe that I hadn't made anything of myself.  A few years ago,  she came into the office room to suggest I quit my job and go back to school.  I brought up a spreadsheet with my retirement account balance and said,  "I think I'm doing OK." Her jaw dropped and didn't say any more.  I was so tired of the periodic,  "quit your job and go back to school," mantra.  I realized her desires for me were really about her,  having struggled with poverty most of her life because of poor choices (I realize in retrospect) because of her depression,  BPD and PTSD.  

I think your mother's criticism is really about her,  not you.  It's easier to hit a target that isn't your own self.  You don't have to face the pain.  

Given so many people on play here,  this might help understand the dynamics:

Family systems--understanding the narcissistic family

T

[coola]

Alohaheart -- I can relate to some of what you are going through.  I just found out my mom probably has BPD (self-realization after digging and reading).  My mom puts me down exactly the same. I have a master's degree and she tells me I'm not educated in the field I work, so its worthless.  Unlike you, my brother married another BPD and has NC with us because of her. My mom has isolated herself and me from everyone over the years, so it's just me.

You have to forget what your family will think of you. Do what is right for YOU. 

You have several options.  Maybe limit contact with your mom only and tell your other family members you just need space from your parents if they inquire (hey, that's okay!) and hope they understand.  With your mom, work on setting up boundaries.

You don't have to say anything to anyone -- just change how you respond to situations.  Be light about it. You owe no one an explanation.  If people inquire, just say to people nothing is wrong, you need space--"you know how it goes with elderly parents".  People get that!

With your brother, you probably want to be there for him and HE may want your mom there too.  If you can just minimize your reactions to your mom and limit contact as necessary, and focus on your brother that would be best. Just make that your goal for now. You can reconsider everything else later. Don't overwhelm yourself.  One step at a time. I think your brother is your top priority now, yes?

I have to say I question if men married to a BPD could truly be a narcissist or a sociopath.  The two seem incongruent to me, like oil and water.  A narcissist and sociopath is all about him, being the center of their universe--they lack empathy to tolerate a BPD's drama! A BPD takes all the shine away from them.  They could careless about others. They most definitely would walk.  What I think happens is the men married to BPD get so battered, invalidated and berated, they become apathetic. They don't care. They stop caring about anyone but themselves, because if they care for anyone else--they are put into a FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). But to care for themselves is the safest, and that with apathy causes the appearance of narcissism or psychopathy, but its truly not. It's a survival mechanism.