I am getting the silent treatment

[LoveLostHeart]

For sure the lines got blurred. And this is also due to my doing an getting back in contact with her all the time. So I am to blame there.
Besides the dating sites and mixed signals no, no real reason go believe she actually saw someone. I think i’m killing myself over this. Her former friends did tell me they had suspicions about her seeying former seksual partners during me, but again, only suspicions.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

Her former friends did tell me they had suspicions about her seeying former seksual partners during me, but again, only suspicions.

there were a lot of make up/break up cycles. that erodes a relationship over time and blurs the lines. when i suggest that the two of you werent on the same page, i mean more than the rules and dictates, i also mean trust and expectations. if i were in a relationship that was on and off again id probably at least have eyes elsewhere, id be expecting things to crash and burn.

i think the question to sort out is whether the two of you can get on the same page and then progress from there. that will take a lot of time and effort and trust building. right now the two of you arent on speaking terms, so its a ways away, but its a long term question to explore.

[LoveLostHeart]

there were a lot of make up/break up cycles. that erodes a relationship over time and blurs the lines. when i suggest that the two of you werent on the same page, i mean more than the rules and dictates, i also mean trust and expectations. if i were in a relationship that was on and off again id probably at least have eyes elsewhere, id be expecting things to crash and burn.

i think the question to sort out is whether the two of you can get on the same page and then progress from there. that will take a lot of time and effort and trust building. right now the two of you arent on speaking terms, so its a ways away, but its a long term question to explore.

You are right, and I should stop beating myself up over it... It’s just so damn hard. I feel like a child that wants something now right away. Either closure or things moving forward.

[once removed]

youve got time. make the most of it. if i were you, id devour the lessons to the right of the board.

[LoveLostHeart]

youve got time. make the most of it. if i were you, id devour the lessons to the right of the board.

I was doing pretty okay from time to time but I keep sinking back into this huge hole that makes me feel I need her to be happy myself. I can resist the urge to contact het atm but I am driving myself crazy over all of this. Good thing J can vent here. My mind is racing...

[once removed]

theres a lot you can do with that energy that is within your control. to reiterate, id throw myself into the lessons and learning as much as possible to inform my decision and how im going to go forward. it will give you more of a sense of clarity and control which is needed right now.

failing that, ask questions of us (ideally, do both). venting helps blow off steam and pass time but its not going to make your path clearer.

[LoveLostHeart]

Okay. Taking your remark in consideration... I seem to be unable to get my mind of off her. What are in your experiences good ways to get myself together? I don’t want to feel like this any longer, but for now I seem overwelmed by all these feelings again. i tried to do the exercises my T told me, I just cant seem to get my mind straight. I want to talk to her so bad...

[once removed]

I seem to be unable to get my mind of off her.

thats understandable. i remember not being able to do some of the exercises i was recommended either. i bought a book about healing from abandonment that i couldnt even pick up, until i did.

the thing about the lessons is that you dont have to get your mind off of her... .youre just steering those thoughts in a productive direction. you want a clearer head and a sense of resolve and what to do. the lessons will really help with that, and they will motivate you, too. you just have to bite the bullet and do it. for what its worth, the tool at the top of our list is Wisemind - literally a great way to get yourself together. instead of being overwhelmed by these feelings, you detach from and observe them, and pay a different kind of attention to what theyre telling you.

having said that, like i said, ive been in a place where my anxiety was so overwhelming i simply felt incapable of doing anything. it might be a good idea to see your doctor about depression or anxiety medication. if you dont want to go the medication route, two supplements, sam-e and passion flower were life savers for me. sam-e really helped limit my ruminating, and passion flower stopped my anxiety attacks cold. there are many alternatives and options.

think in terms of both incentives and not making things worse. youre in a place and situation where talking to her, at least right now, will make things worse. remind yourself of this. resolve yourself to it. and remember that its not permanent. you can talk to her, but it would be best to get to a strong and confident place, and when things have cooled off. thats all within your power.

and when all else fails, using distractions can help get your mind off of things. what are the things you like to do... .not things that necessarily require a ton of concentration or motivation. for example, i played a lot of video games where i could just aimlessly point and click, not do a lot of thinking.

[Meili]

instead of being overwhelmed by these feelings, you detach from and observe them, and pay a different kind of attention to what theyre telling you.

This^^

As once removed said, it's hard to do things until you do them.

For me, the key was utiilizing the thoughts and ruminations to my best advantage. I stopped fighting them and radically accepted them. I refused to stay miserable and feel like a victim, accepted that things were what they were, decided to change my view and belief and that the thoughts and ruminations were not a problem to be solved, but rather a tool.

[LoveLostHeart]

its not permanent. you can talk to her, but it would be best to get to a strong and confident place, and when things have cooled off. thats all within your power.

Think this a good one to remind me off. It doesn't have to be permanent. Just for now things aren't working out as I would like to see them.

[once removed]

Think this a good one to remind me off. It doesn't have to be permanent. Just for now things aren't working out as I would like to see them.

sure. use that like a mantra and it will sink in.

when my relationship ended i was in a very similar place. i felt the overwhelming urge to act, to do anything. i was repeatedly talked out of doing stuff that i suspect even years later i might kick myself for.

my mom gave me the same advice. its not like i couldnt talk to my ex. i could talk to her any time. now wasnt the time - it wasnt in my interest, but against my interests. when i accepted that i felt a lot more in control.

[LoveLostHeart]

So today I tried living by that thought that it doesn't have to be permanent, but that there is nothing more I can do at this moment than to work on my own recovery. That this is the best way to go forward for myself and that time will tell if there are chances of getting back together ever again. I must say, I helped me to get myself out of bed today and to do stuff. Also, the moments I felt deeply depressed and longing for her, I kept indeed reminding myself of the thought there is nothing I can do right now but to fix myself.
It kinda helps me through the day pretty well. Had a really down moment an hour before, but basically going through 1 day without being totally miserable is giving me hope for the future.
I hope I can keep this up tomorrow.