How to cope with an inlaw sibling who doesn't realize or won't admit symptoms

[Octopuds]

Hi,

This is my first post here. My SO and I first became aware of this site after starting reading the book Stop Walking On Eggshells. Although we haven't finished the book yet, I decided to check out the site for additional help.

We have an inlaw/sibling who appears to have symptoms of BPD. They frequently get angry and aggressive towards us and family and also appear to be very narcissistic. While we haven't yet read as far as coping strategies in the book (so far we've only read the introduction), we were wondering if the book would cover our particular situation or not.

Our family member with BPD will likely never admit that they have signs of BPD. It's as if they believe that they are always right and everyone else is always wrong, and they should always be apologized to because if something does go wrong it's never their fault. We have, in past situations/arguments, tried to talk about anger and communication due to potential misunderstandings, and while we admit that we can sometimes see it from their point of view and that we're sorry they saw it in that way, we never actually meant it like that. This is where (in our case) we're typically shouted at, called names and insulted, how could we be so stupid as to not think a conversation or message through before delivering it etc... .Except that we do think everything through extensively, and we've even tried saying that we do this for fear of another argument beginning and escalating out of control (usually starting over something relatively minor).

However on the flip side of this, when something has been communicated from said BPD family member to us and we've had a misunderstanding, we try to explain in the same way that "perhaps it could have been said differently" or "we needed a little more context" or something like that, but it results in the same outcome of my SO and I being in the wrong and that we should have been smart enough to know what was meant the first time.

We feel as though we are constantly walking on eggshells around them, and that even whilst living far enough away to be in different timezones we can still have nights, days or even weeks ruined by events and arguments from even minimal communication. We have also tried to communicate less to not at all, but this also results in them getting angry at us for not communicating and not wanting a relationship with them.

It seems that nothing we do is ever right and at the same time they appear blind to the realization of any symptoms of BPD. I'm sure there must be someone out there who has gone through something similar? It would be nice to talk about it with someone.

[Turkish]

It sounds like you are trapped in a no-win situation 

Finish the book,  many of the strategies are incorporated here at the top of the board on the Lessons and Suggested Reading.

What's going on doesn't sound like it's working.  You can try something new. 

Given the in-law's behavior, it's a good first step to realize that they won't change. However,  you can change the way in which you interact, with communication strategies based upon validation and also by asserting boundaries smartly.  Both of these take work and time.  We've all been there,  or are there 

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

Boundaries are definitively an issue here,  especially with a person with BPD traits who is focused on their own needs,  often at the expense of others.  One would think that distance would help,  but it doesn't seem the case here 

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Be sure to take a look at the Read More link to a discussion among members. 

This is just the beginning.  Plenty of time and support here to dig deeper.  Let us know what you think of the material and if it makes sense. 

Turkish

[sarahhealing]

Hi,

Thank you so much for sharing. I can identify with almost everything that you wrote. As I was reading, I feel like you're describing the same situation that I'm in as well. I've also tried to avoid my SO entirely, but she's done the same thing and criticized me and my husband for not talking to her or asking her about things she thinks we should have asked her about. I know that even if I try to meet all of her demands, she would still find something to be critical about. She's repeatedly told my husband and I that we don't have any sense, don't catch on to situations fast enough, don't think about parents first, etc. even though we have. In the case of her parents, we have tried to do things for them, and she's blocked us, saying that they weren't good ideas. Although later, she's accused us of not thinking about these things. I'm struggling, but I know my husband is also struggling. He doesn't speak up for himself in conversations with her, but we're not sure how to do that without escalating the situation. I'm also really interested in tips about this!

Thanks again for sharing!

[spine]

similar sitch for me as well.  so far i'm trying to rally more support of others in my fam, as we all realize that logic doesn't work and it's a hit or miss/ 50-50 chance of things blowing up, we just kinda tread as carefully as possible.

i'm curious how parents or other sibs, relatives relate to the uBPD people in your scenario.  

a therapist referred the book to me when i was describing family dynamics and i finally read it as my anxieties about holidays approaching increases, but i'm honestly just at the beginning stages of seeing if others agree that this is the issue and how to approach my brother, because if he doesn't think it's an issue then that might affect the ways in which we approach it with his wife who i suspect is BPD.

[Octopuds]

Sorry about not getting back sooner.

This has made my SO and myself really happy to see. Obviously it's sad that as a group we have to go through this, but it's so great to see that we're not the only ones! We haven't ever met anyone who is going through the same situation we're going through. We know people whose families fight from time to time, sure, but never anything like this.

We've tried avoiding, and we are told that we make no effort in the relationship, we try only talking about their interests and life but it inevitably gets to the point where we will either slip up and accidentally talk about ourselves or feel the need to talk about ourselves (just because we need to vent after a bad day) and we are told that we only ever talk about ourselves and that it's boring and annoying and they just don't want to hear it/don't have time for it (despite us listening to their stories 90% of the time).

In our situation, all close family relates to the BP in the same way. Extended family might see a bit of it, as with friends, but the mood swings and aggression are mainly reserved for those close to the BP.

[Turkish]

I've found that the empathetic listening is a hit or a miss with my uBPDx. I was accused of being the bad communicator,  yet communication should be reciprocal. "Bumping the gums" isn't it.  At some point,  radical acceptance of who they are comes into play.  Otherwise,  we'll just keep getting stressed and frustrated.