Need Help with 79 Year Old Recently Diagnosed BPD/NPD Mom

[BvsMom]

Hello all - So, so glad I found this site!  Hooray!  Briefly, I have known something was wrong with my mother since I was very young.  I have gone through many stages of separating from her (N/C for about 8 months before my father passed away), and then drawing boundaries in order to have her around.  I realized she was NPD about 10 years ago, but after a recent incident, I realize she is both BPD and NPD.  The last incident involved her being invited to my home for 8 days over Thanksgiving and to attend my husband and I renewing our vows for our 20th anniversary.  We have lived out of state from her for about 16 years and only see her 2 or 3 times per year.  She also lived with us for 9 months after my father passed away.  Since I drew boundaries, her new tactic is to go after my friends, and insult them.  I have drawn the boundary with her in these situations, and have told her she needs to leave the room (or the house for good) if she is going to act that way.  She lashes out, but forgets quickly, as is her usual modus operandi.  This last visit, she did go after a friend, who defended herself well because she was married to a BPD and also had a mother who is BPD.  Since my mother couldn't get to her, and thus get to me, she decided this time she was going after one of my kids.  That was it.  Game over.  I found out she picked a fight with my 29 year old as I was going in to the reception after our vow renewal. Later in the evening, she approached me and said "WE NEED TO TALK!"  And that was truly it.  I told her I drew the line at my family and I chose them - she threw everything nasty and icky she could throw at me - and threatened to run away, die, etc.  The usual threats.  So, my issue now is I have a BPD/NPD 79 year old mother who lives in another state, and I have very little to no desire to have her in my life again.  But, she is elderly.  What do I do?  I just want someone to watch her and be sure she is ok.  I will not have her around even with boundaries - she is like a velociraptor and tests the fence until she finds a weakness and exploits it.  I don't feel comfortable going completely NC with an elderly person.  Help!  I haven't spoken to her, other than text occasionally, in three weeks.  Thank you all so much for the guidance!

[zachira]

I have a 97 year old mother and two surviving siblings with BPD. For my mom, I try to limit it to phone calls, sending her mail or gifts, and visiting her at her house while staying elsewhere local. All of these options give me the option to limit contact. If your mom comes to your house than it is hard to walk away from her behavior. I realize that my mom loves me, it is just she can't control her behavior, and I never know when she is going to get angry or start hating on me. My heart goes out to you, as is is so painful to have to deal with a BPD parent. I know I will feel sad when my mom dies, because the hope will be gone that I will ever receive the love from her that I so long for.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi BvsMom,   

Welcome to our online family! I am really glad you found us as well. Please take time to read other posts and jump in and respond with your thoughts, observations, and your own experiences.  We are all coming from a similar situation to yours, and we will understand.

I've been in similar experiences to yours, and when my uBPDm stayed at my home, it was always a 'walking on eggshells' time. It's really sad that you had this recent experience with her, and for your children to see who she is in black and white clarity.  When something similar happened with our D2 after she graduated from college and was visiting her aunt and grandma, I was so sad that she witnessed a splitting episode with my mom. I had hoped for them to never see or experience what I did growing up. It's so hurtful. The momma bear came out in me then, as it has in you too!

Do you have siblings or other relatives near your mom who can help watch out for her? What about the community in which she lives? Are there resources there for her to reach out to or for you to speak with? Sometimes it may be possible for you to leave your phone # with a source for an emergency situation.

 
Wools

[madeline7]

A suggestion is to hire a Geriatric Case Manager where she lives to provide over sight and support since you don't live locally. You could call a major hospital in her city and speak with the Social Work dept. to locate a case manager. I also have an elderly uBPDm, who moved from out of state to my city to be closer to me and my siblings, and it is a nightmare. We are expected to be her sounding board, emotional caretakers, physical caretaker, and no matter how much we do , it is never enough. Totally exhausting.

[Notwendy]

Fortunately, my BPD mother is able to hire people to help. I also don't feel comfortable going NC with her as she is elderly, but I also have to have boundaries and some distance for my own sanity.

It is easier to visit her- and also I have stayed at hotels. This allows me to have some time to myself when the contact is too much for me. I find that a structured visit works well- we go to lunch, or the mall together. It is also better if I have some family members around- my H or kids. Being one on one with her alone is a more possible situation for dysregulation.

Once she did travel closer to me for a family event. She does require assistance but it is better if that person is not a family member. BPD tends to affect the most intimate relationships and she is able to behave better with non family members. It is also better for her - as I think it is rough on her to dysregulate. I hired a caretaker for her. This way, we could really visit and she had someone to help her. It was money well spent.  

My mother reacts to boundaries in a similar way to yours. However, over time and consistency it has gotten better- but I have to stay firm with them and realize she will get angry and react. 

[BvsMom]

Thank you all so much for the support and information - I am going to keep researching with this fantastic new site and the message boards.  It looks like there is a lot of helpful information out there.  Christmas is really hard this year with a new relationship forming which really requires me to leave my mother further behind.  I thought I was doing fine with boundaries - but that isn't going to work in it's current form any more.  Kinda sad.

[beads]

I too recently discovered that my 93 year old mother was an UBPD. What a revelation that was, to discover it was not me, it was her.  Since I know now what is going on, I know to try to separate emotionally from her. It is a struggle because I often feel guilty, a strategy she has often employed to get what she wants--the guilt trip.  I keep working on it. I still dread going to visit; she lives an hour from me, but I try to suck it up, try to not say something confrontative or lash back.  She has currently burnt all her bridges because she has amped up her neediness and her vitriol.  I talk to her on the phone every day, thankfully it is short because she always ends of mad and gets off the phone.  I know that I have done all I can do. I have to protect myself first and foremost

[Panda39]

Hi BvsMom,

Does your mom use email?  That might be a way to stay in frequent touch but also create a boundary. 

You can send her a little note, an article on a topic she's interested in, photos of the kids every so often so you are in touch, but you can take time with your responses or decide not to respond if she crosses boundaries.

So for example you send a photo of the kids and she is interested in more about the picture pursuing the conversation is fine.  But if she responds with an email bashing you because she wasn't invited to the event in the photo... .simply do not respond to that. (Don't JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) Keep everything light and don't take the bait to engage in drama... .don't feed the drama.

More on JADE... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

It is a struggle because I often feel guilty, a strategy she has often employed to get what she wants--the guilt trip.

beads, you are mentioning one of the tools/weapons   frequently used by people with BPD (pwBPD) and that is FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail.  An awareness of when this is going on can be really helpful in not taking things as personally.  Recognizing it as a form of manipulation vs something you have done, not done... .etc.

More on FOG... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

I hope everyone is having a very Merry Christmas!    

Panda39  

[OhGeeeez!]

"she is like a velociraptor and tests the fence until she finds a weakness and exploits it."

Yep. 

My MIL is 74 and so many people see her as a sweet generous little old lady.  But my sis-in-law and i have been her targets too long to view her in a positive light.  We wonder who she thinks is going to change her diapers 'cause her sons won't!  Common sense should make her mind her manners knowing we'll be administering medication and wiping her fanny someday soon.

[BvsMom]

Thanks so much again, everyone - just hearing that others deal with the same thing I am makes me feel so much better.  Let's keep chatting!  It's been over two months now since I have directly spoken to my BPMom - but she reaches out, in a very weird way, to my sons and my husband via social media, etc.  She can do that just fine in my world - it is genuinely a case of "she hates you when you are around, but loves you when you are not."  So, I'm going to leave it that way for a while.