Recycled for a day

[Fishmedic]

So, it happened. Coming clean. Today, we recycled. I'm still processing things. Just wanted to come clean, as everyone on this site has been so helpful during the last couple of months. I feel fine, a little ashamed I suppose. She called me Friday night from a different number, i answered. We spoke for about 5mins, then i saw her on Tinder yesterday morning.  

This is how today went down.  
 
I went to the gym, as i was leaving, i drove past her apartment, mistake, i know. I was curious to see if the BF's truck was there, as she's clearly been making it seem like they aren't together anymore. What did i see? Well, they were standing out front of her apartment arguing. She had her arms crossed, he had his head down, hands in his pockets, looked like he was crying. My ex saw me drive by. Looked right at me, i just kept going. After lunch, i looked and had a text message from her. I unblocked her friday night to see if she was trying to text me as well, didnt reblock her. She said something along the lines of "that was a weird stare you gave me. Great to see you, hope all is well!". I waited to reply, debated whether or not i should, then ultimately said ", trouble in paradise"? She proceeded to tell me she broke up with him a couple of weeks ago, and he was over getting some stuff. She said she rushed into a relationship, it was a mistake, and she ended things. Who knows how much truth there was to that. Long story short, she came over, we slept together and made dinner. She gaslighted me a few times, telling me i made it awkward, meanwhile she kept trying to kiss me, and called me babe? She then told me why she called me at 130am on the long weekend. She said he punched her in the face, and she had to call the cops. She said thats when they broke up. Again, i take it all with a grain of salt. Who knows what's really going on. Either way, she kept making it seem like this is the last time we'd see each other, and she just wanted closure. All though i know that isnt the truth. She was all over me, telling me how much she missed me etc etc.  
I'm just sitting here processing things. What a day. As i do so, i see another fake facebook account, this one her exact name, first and last name, on my suggested friends list... .. Real stealth.  

[Skip]

I want to suggest that you post on a tools board - like Saving and Improving while you are seeing her. If you just go back the way you came out, it will just end up in the same place.

She really hasn't had time to process the last relationship... .is it FWB right now?

[Fishmedic]

Ok, thanks for the heads up Skip! 
No, i dont see it was a FWB thing, not yet at least. Honestly i have no idea whats going on. Happened so fast. I have no idea what the real situation with her and the rebound is. She's been making increasingly more contact attempts over the last 3 weeks or so, and has told me it's over between them, and that she just wants to focus on her self right now. Which i agree is a smart move. It's what i've been saying to her for years, but of course now its her idea. Regardless, we slept together today, then made dinner together. I will continue to not be contacting her in any way shape or form, but i know she'll be contacting me again. Even though when she hugged me before i drove her home, she said "this is the last time we'll hug". Its confusing, but i feel i'm in a good place. I could hande FWB right now, but have no desire to be back in a real reltionship with her unless she's in serious therapy. I know how it turns out. And i refuse to put myself through that stress again.

[Freeatlast_1]

Ok, thanks for the heads up Skip! 
No, i dont see it was a FWB thing, not yet at least. Honestly i have no idea whats going on. Happened so fast. I have no idea what the real situation with her and the rebound is. She's been making increasingly more contact attempts over the last 3 weeks or so, and has told me it's over between them, and that she just wants to focus on her self right now. Which i agree is a smart move. It's what i've been saying to her for years, but of course now its her idea. Regardless, we slept together today, then made dinner together. I will continue to not be contacting her in any way shape or form, but i know she'll be contacting me again. Even though when she hugged me before i drove her home, she said "this is the last time we'll hug". Its confusing, but i feel i'm in a good place. I could hande FWB right now, but have no desire to be back in a real reltionship with her unless she's in serious therapy. I know how it turns out. And i refuse to put myself through that stress again.

Fish - make sure this in recycle something changes. If you are going to take her back, have her chase you a lot and keep your power. Because she will try to crash you again and this time you should fall on your feet. It will come but maybe this is the time you can take to strengthen yourself and leave when strong and ready for complete NC willingly and not caring who she will be with. I was in this state 4 weeks ago when my ex returned from a trip running after me, crying, pleading, begging, promising, wants to write vows, wants to move in etc etc... .everything you can imagine was said. I of course missed her so she caught me back in her web when I was free and not caring what she does with her life. I was so strong and powerful, even my diary is crying for me now when I read it because the pages from 4 weeks ago displayed such a confident, strong, carefree me... .and 4 weeks later, look at me... .I'm the opposite. So in essence, you know that without YEARS OF GOAL DIRECTED THERAPY which will target BPD and PTSD cause most have both... .these people will be the same. So enjoy the love rush, just keep your helmet on and prepare for the next crash. If I take mine back... .thats the plan. But let's hope I won't... .cuz I am tired of the stress I'm in.

[Fishmedic]

Free,

Thanks for the words of wisdom. I honestly have no idea what’s going on. She kept trying to make it seem like I was the one who initiated and wanted it? It was weird. Either way, I have no intention of pursuing her or trying to make it a relationship again. I even told her yesterday, that she needs to figure her stuff out, and unless she’s committed to regular therapy, I don’t want any part of that life again. She tried to make it seem like it was a one time thing when she left, and that we won’t see each other again. Then last night, I noticed a fake Facebook account, this time her real name, just no picture or friends, right at the top of my list of who I should had. It is no longer there, so I didn’t get a chance to block this one. Then this morning while at the gym, she texted me asking me if I was there, because she was going, and didn’t want me to think she’s stalking me. I just said I was, and she replied she’ll go to the women only section, and wished me a good workout and day. I simply replied you too. I have a feeling this daily sort of chit chat will begin to escalate now. But I’m prepared, I’m pretty detached now, and it is what it is. Just playing it by ear for the time being.

[SuperJew82]

I feel your pain. I know it's hard keeping NC and recycling just happens before you know it.
I wish I could give you advice.

I just know the pain of having my exDBPDgf away at NC is so much more manageable than the recycling roller coaster.

I get a little sad, introspective, and reach out to this great resource for help sometimes - but I would not describe my life as hell like I did in the alternative. I've recycled at least 10 times - about 3 major times with at least month plus NC.


I tried everything in the book. All I can do is hope that I don't fall back into this again. Never have I been through this with any other girl in my life.

I hope you can figure this out man.

-sj

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Fishmedic, If you decide to pursue a recycle, what makes you think things will play out differently?  Many of us on this Board, including me, have recycled only to end up in the same place, except with more pain.  What can you point to that indicates change on your or your Ex's part?  I don't mean talk of getting help, I mean have you actually done the work?

LuckyJim

[blueblue12]

Hey Fishmedic,
Wish you all the best, look after yourself and like Freeatlast wrote if you can manage to be the strong one and take your power back with her, try not to fall into chasing her. Before I was recycled, she begged me and begged me, pleading to see me, for a hug, just to "see my face" when I finally did she seduced me in a few minutes and we were back! But a few days later she started to act a little different and things turned around, suddenly I had to chase her, soon after I got tired of it and went NC, she did reach out after that a few times, I was polite but did not take the bait, currently still in that scenario... .they have a cunning way of switching things around once they got you! Be strong and try not to chase if you can.

[Fishmedic]

I appreciate the support and non judgement from everyone. Like i said, i honestly have no idea whats going on, but i have zero intention of giving her my power or chasing her. I've learned enough over the last little while, not only of disordered people, but my own co dependancy issues, as well as just general "men and women" relationship dynamics. Obviously i still love and care for this girl, and i'm sure i always will to some extent. But i know how broken she is, i know theres no future with this person unless she was fully committed to therapy, and i dont see that happening, ever. She refuses to acknowledge her issues, and always will.  I've done a pretty good job of detaching, and the ptsd and feelings i get thinking back to situations she's put me through, i dont want that pain again. At this point, i'm committed to continuing to work on myself, and i have zero tolerance for the games and drama. It's clear she wants me to chase, she wants me to want her, but i'm good where i'm at. If she is pursuing me, i'm up for a night out, or some intimacy, but i'm also so used to not having those things, that its more or less take or leave it right now on my end. I understand i'm playing with fire, no doubt about it, but i'm unwilling to budge and to chase after her. So i don't know if she'll bounce back to the rebound, or if she'll pursue more. Honestly trying not to think about it much, just focusing on myself.

[Skip]

I'd really encourage anyone going back to get on to the Improving Board and work it.

Going back in to pick up where you left off, virtually always fails. Both you guys know that you are part of  the conflict.

[LastSamurai]

"Recycled... .Officially" Only trash gets recycled. You're not trash. I get it though. It's a term used in the community. DO NOT go back to her. Man up and move on... .forever. You're showing nothing but signs of a Beta. Driving past her apartment was a Beta trait. That's borderline stalking. You're better than that. You also should've kept her blocked too. You've given her all the power... .again. I just posted a thread on this type of behavior. What are these women doing to men? Sheesh.

I know everyone is giving you "non-judgmental" support, but I just had to be blunt. I don't want you to make the same mistakes that I did. She messed up. That's her loss. Move on. Go back to NC and DO NOT go back to her... .EVER.

[Fishmedic]

Tough Love from Lastsamurai,

I like it. Thanks for your response. You’re right, she’s definitely gotten in my head again. You’re right about the beta signs, something I’m working on. I know I need to move on, I guess it’s just so much easier to go back to a sure thing. She just messaged me again to ask if I’m at the gym, as she’s going. Clearly this is going to become a daily thing, trying to infringe on my territory. I did not reply to her message, and I’m going to switch back to another gym for a little while. I don’t want to end up back in the situation that was ruining my life for the last 6yrs. She’s a sick girl, but she knows I care about her, and she’s trying to take advantage of that, temporarily, until she finds another replacement because the first one was a chump that didn’t work out. That or she’s still talking to him, and lying to me. There’s no trust, hasn’t been any for a long time, and you can’t have someone in your life if theres no trust. That’s what destroys those of us with codependent traits.

[Skip]

I care about her, and she’s trying to take advantage of that... .

Over the years we have a lot on members get in this position, talk like this, and then disappear, got back into the relationship, things go bad, and then show back up here saying "look what she did to me".

We have a number of members who's aircraft is circling over this impending disaster.

One reason these recycles fail is because we sometimes immerse ourselves in victimhood, distort the relationship issues that broke the relationship to begin with (e.g., we move further away from emotional intelligence and understanding human nature), we indulge our woundedness.

What is the alternative?

There are lots of them, ranging from permanently walking away, to being friends, to successfully reconnecting. The one thing needed in each of these alternatives in self-awareness, an realistic understanding of what happened and human nature in general, and a mature approach going forward (more mature than we were in the relationship and often the break up).

As part of that self awareness, know that she is contacting you because you are sending all the signals of a wounded ex-lover who wants his partner to fix things. You protest, but its in the style of someone saying "try harder".

The battle you are fighting is in your own head.  And I'm not saying engage or don't engage - I'm saying, up your game.

[Lucky Jim]

Nicely said, Skip.  I would add: Fishmedic, you're the one calling the shots in your life, not her.  If you want to recycle, then go for it with the self-awareness that Skip describes.  If not, cut your losses and move on.  Waiting for her to chase you so you can dip your toe back in the BPD swamp is a passive approach, to me, and one which I suggest you avoid.

LJ

[Fishmedic]

Well said, I’m definitely letting her do the work right now, as part of me still wants it, but I know I don’t want to be seen as the one initiating after what she’s done to me. Now, she’s been sort of “chasing me” since July, while she was still with the rebound. But nothing flat out or blatant until the other day, telling me she ended things with him, wants to focus on herself and doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now. So I’m respecting that, and not initiating contact, and I guess I need to make a decision now whether I reply when she reaches out, which I know she will be, and has been the last 2 days, even though it’s subtle and manipulative (asking if I’m at the gym, when she knows I go at that time, because it’s the only time she can go, yet she hasn’t been in 2 months... .). It’s tough, I’m definitely conflicted. I miss her, tremendously, and I know on some level, I was hoping for this to happen, but theres a big part of me thats so scared of what she’s capable of, and I don’t want to ever be in the same broken relationship situation we’ve been in for 6 years. In my mind, that relationship is over, and if there is talk of starting a new, then she needs to be willing to seek therapy and stick to it, and acknowledge why she’s doing it. I guess I know the answer, I need to go back to NC completely, and if she does approach again bringing up the relationship, I can choose to either ignore, or let her know my boundaries, and she isn’t on board, then I need to walk away for good, and never look back.

[Skip]

It’s tough, I’m definitely conflicted. I miss her, tremendously, and I know on some level, I was hoping for this to happen, but theres a big part of me thats so scared of what she’s capable of, and I don’t want to ever be in the same broken relationship situation we’ve been in for 6 years. In my mind, that relationship is over, and if there is talk of starting a new, then she needs to be willing to seek therapy and stick to it, and acknowledge why she’s doing it. I guess I know the answer, I need to go back to NC completely... .

Fishmedic, this is child's play, man. Your here on a site with incredible resources to apply ti building relationships. Reach up. 

Wanting her. Pushing her way. Talking trash about her. Conditional reunion based on confessing to mental illness and agree to take therapy... .or going no contact/silent treatment. This thinking did not help your relationship life before, its not going to help it going forward 

If you don't want her... .be a good guy and let her go.  If you do want to try and build something with her, then get on the Saving board and work it through. To make this, or any relationship work, you both need to make changes.

And the smart bet is to court her, but not jump in head first with sex in the lead.

You guys had issues. She was then in another relationship. Now you are both entertaining a rebound.

Give yourself a chance. Do the work or walk away.

[AnuDay]

I'm with LastSamurai here.  There's not a lot of men like me and Samurai on this board.  I just get disgusted when I think about what I've been through and what you're going through.  To think that a woman would treat a man like that and that a man would go back to a woman after getting treated like this is sickening.  NO woman is that special... .not even our mothers.  I just won't put up with trash from a woman anymore.  I see it happening too much.  I RARELY drive past the exes apartment.  When I do it's just to make sure kids are ok, in the bed, at home, etc.  I'll admit I did make the mistake of "dropping by" once while I was waiting for a recycle and her bf was there... .maddening. I'll never make that mistake again and I'll advice everyone else on this board NOT to make that mistake.  A recycle can go bad so fast and leave you worse than when you ended the first time.   You MUST move on.  You must find strength and hobbies, friends, and extracurricular activities outside of the pwBPD... .I'd advise LOTS of activities so that you have the opportunity to meet sane people... .and have fun.  I will never make the same mistake twice... .fool me once... . Sure my ex wants to recycle me and I love looking at the sadness and fake happiness in her face everytime I see her.  Whenever she gets a bad attitude over something trivial it just reconfirms why I don't want a romantic relationship with her. Never make the mistake of sleeping with these women without a rock solid Old Testament style oath of commitment and faith after the break... .avoid at all costs... .you've been warned.

[Skip]

I'm with LastSamurai here.  There's not a lot of men like me and Samurai on this board.

I think my point is simply this the "they're garbage, kick em to the curb" is advice that does more harm than good. That said, the it's OK to say this on Relationship Ended - Breakup Crises board. There is a lot of emotion here. It's fine.

Here is the deal. If these women were this bad, we'd see it early and walk away and never look back. We might get a "stinger", but we would shake it of is a relatively short time. Everyone reading this has met that girl and walked away without all the complex emotions we have here.

This advice doesn't help because, ultimately, because it doesn't explain what the OP is going through and start tying them to some meaningful resolution. It's more like locker room ear candy. Man! the ___ messed with my head. No problem bro. She's pyscho. Damn straight

So lets look at an example. LastSamurai got this advice many times. He agreed with who heartedly. Then he married "the psycho". In the middle of all that ear candy talk, no one paid attention to this really helpful nugget: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=307629.msg12855350#msg12855350

Look around. We have a lot of guys eating the ear candy - getting validated on some of the thinking that landed them heare to begin with - and not getting any closer to understanding what is going on.

So that is my only point. Something to think about as we all do our best to help each other.

[Freeatlast_1]

"Recycled... .Officially" Only trash gets recycled. You're not trash. I get it though. It's a term used in the community. DO NOT go back to her. Man up and move on... .forever. You're showing nothing but signs of a Beta. Driving past her apartment was a Beta trait. That's borderline stalking. You're better than that. You also should've kept her blocked too. You've given her all the power... .again. I just posted a thread on this type of behavior. What are these women doing to men? Sheesh.

I know everyone is giving you "non-judgmental" support, but I just had to be blunt. I don't want you to make the same mistakes that I did. She messed up. That's her loss. Move on. Go back to NC and DO NOT go back to her... .EVER.

Last Samurai, I think similar to you but I don't know how to feel the same way I think! I am constantly missing her and hurting. I am not calling her texting her or driving by her place, non of that. But I am suffering a lot. Were you not that close to your ex? how long did you date for? I was extremely connected with that woman and she got to my very core in a good and bad way. That's why it has been hard for me to cope, regardless of who left who, because we both kind of gave up and dropped the towel in the end. Granted I feel like ___ when I am with her, I miss her and want her back. She fills a space in me that so far no one has been able to fill. It's really hard, I want to know how you handle these feelings if you do have them.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Fishmedic,

I have a slant for you that ties in with Skip's advice.  When we recycle something it becomes something new.  So, if you do decide to go for it with this woman, it MUST be by becoming something new.  Yourself and the relationship.  Take Skip's advice and look at the tools, post on Saving and see what you think then.  If you can commit to being new in yourself, as well as wanting her to be working on herself, then you may have a chance of creating something new in the relationship and making things work.  If you fail, at least you went in eyes open and tried your best. 

I agree that sex from the outset is not the way.  All this does is flood you with chemicals and bypasses the important communication and real connection part - the part where you discuss and align your values and see if you can meet on a level that is going to work.  The trick is to go SLOWLY, not at lightning speed, so dial it back if you're serious when you've considered everything.

Love and light x

[Fishmedic]

Thanks for the advice, everyone who has posted. I can feel the hurt that some of you guys have felt, and trust me, I can totally understand. I’ve been there, it’s the worst. My ex and I have recycled so many times, I have no idea how many, but enough. I only became aware of BPD, or BPD traits about 3 months ago, and so now, I guess I feel the only way it could ever work, is if she was in therapy and acknowledging her issues. But, ultimately that is her decision, not mine. And I’m only in control of my own actions and emotions, not hers or anyone elses. It’s a very tough situation, and I know everyone posting has been through it at some point, so I’m just trying to process all of the advice right now.

Skip

I just want to clarify. I don’t think I’ve been trash talking her, I mean, I love her, and I am aware of her issues, and I’m acknowledging them, and finally letting other people know what I’ve been through. But I don’t think I’ve been trash talking her. I love the girl, all I’ve ever wanted is for her to find happiness, and have a good life. But the rest of what you said rings true. The push/pull, NC, conditional love based on her getting treatment. This has gone on for years, but I lacked boundaries, and ultimately nothing changed. I’m continuing to work on myself, and trying to keep my focus solely on my own needs, wants and emotions, the best I can. That being said, even if I did want a relationship with her again, which is where I’m stuck, part of me does, but not to go back to the way things were. There has to be change. But she told me Monday she thought she made a mistake coming over, and when she left, she wanted a hug, as it “will be the last time she hugs me”. Now, I know to always trust a women’s actions, and less her words, but I don’t see how me trying to court her right now is of any benefit to either of us? In my opinion, she needs to figure things out with the rebound before we start anything between us. So I guess thats where I’m at. In my opinion, she left, started something with someone else, and she hasn’t said she wants anything with me, or done anything to show me that, so my plan is just to let her be, and sort it out herself. If she comes back and shows me she wants something with me, then we could potentially talk, courting etc. I just don’t want to get tangled back in her web, especially if she’s still talking to this other guy, and have things go back to the way they were. I want to protect myself first and foremost.

Harley Quinn

Thank you for your always helpful input. I agree, if I do decide to see where things go, then I have to conduct myself very differently, and stick to my boundaries. I guess I’m just assuming at this point it was a “one time” thing, based on what she said, and unless she says something differently, I’m just continuing on as if it didn’t happen. I’m in no way trying to play games, or do the push pull, but seeing as she left and dated someone else, I believe this ball is in her court, and I’ll just continue my own healing process and focusing on myself unless she shows me she’s interested in more. I’m anticipating that she will, but then again, who knows. I can only think for myself, and continue to do whats best for me.

[Skip]

I just want to clarify. I don’t think I’ve been trash talking her, I mean, I love her, and I am aware of her issues, and I’m acknowledging them, and finally letting other people know what I’ve been through.

I know. It's really hard stuff.

This is really the center of what I was saying in that post:

This [type of] advice doesn't help because, ultimately, because it doesn't explain what the OP is going through and start tying them to some meaningful resolution. It's more like locker room ear candy.

I think you are in tune with this.

[blueblue12]

Hey Fishmedic,
I understand you because I believe I am the same place. And no you have not been trashing her here, that is wrong, you have just been explaining the trajectory of your experiences. Like many here I was with my ex for a long time and had no idea about BPD. We had 'the red flag moments' but I was not able to work them out or tied them to a personality disorder. I had no idea. My T discussed this with me when we broke up and then I found this site. Breaking up was hard, she left me and it was tough. Then she came back! It was a surreal switch, after destroying it all, then back with "you are the love of my life!"

I still miss her and at times deep down I do want her to contact me hoping she has come to realise what her actions caused. But it is hard. Like you I feel I could go back but things would need to change drastically. Deep down I fear her, as the way she ended, the way she destroyed our relationship was cruel. So that comes up in my head a lot and I fear the same scenario over and over, after all she has managed to do it once, she can do it again. So even a friendship is kind of a scary thought.

Someone wrote on this forum the following which I keep pondering about:

"Want to still be friends? Take a moment here, and ask yourself what friendship means to you, and if you've ever been treated with such disrespect, lack of concern and dishonesty in any relationship you've come to regard as one you could trust."

It's a sad situation, especially for those of us that had no idea about our partners major personally disorder issues.

[Fishmedic]

Thanks for the clarification Skip. Yes, i'm more in tune with the 2nd bit. 
 
Raul
 
I hear ya. Deep down, i'm scared of her. I'm scared of getting hurt by her again, especially now that i have had some time away for introspection and breathing room. But not a day has gone by where i didnt think about her, or hope she'd come back and acknowledge some of her mistakes. And then the stalking started, which did validate me, but also left me with a lot of questions, and scared me, because i knew she was still with the rebound, so i didnt know what she was trying to accomplish. Now she's dumped the rebound, but back on Tinder. I think she was looking to see if i was on there, but maybe she's looking for something else. I dont know. She's been reaching out to me for 2 months, most recently Friday night, when she called me from work, so i answered because i didnt recognize the number. I just find it confusing, because monday, even though she kept calling me "babe", and trying to kiss me, she told me it was a mistake, and wont do it again, then asked if we could be friends. I made it clear i'm not ok with a friendship with her anytime soon or in the near future. And i dont want to be courting her and investing time, if she's still talking the rebound, or anyone else. Not after what we've been through. I'm no ones backup plan. So i dont know. Part me wants to move on, but part of me still loves her to death, and i know i need to do things differently if this was ever to work, but so does she. But i can only control my own behaviour and emotions, so i guess thats where i'm at. I dont plan to pursue or chase her at all. If she wants to come back and make things work, then i'm entertaining the idea of going into it, but in a very different way than i have before. But it does scare me to think about. So hear i am. As of right now, i'm single and owe her nothing and will continue to work on myself and be the best version of myself. If she comes back, then i'll deal with it then. If things arent different and i see the same patterns, i know it wont work, so i wont let it get far. I've never been this detached before, and i wont settle for the same old sh*t. So if there are any developments, i'll post on the saving board. But for now, i'm still detaching.

[SuperJew82]

Keep in mind that if someone does go into therapy... .it usually takes years for them to learn and apply the skills needed to be compatible with a healthy relationship. People do change, but it takes hard work and a good amount of time.

I wouldn't expect her behaviour to change overnight - that's all I'm saying.

[Fishmedic]

Absolutely, there are no quick fixes in this life time. And I don’t think it’s something that she’d even be open to, but who knows. I started therapy, and she was interested in that, and maybe she’d be willing to follow my lead. I’ve been thinking a lot about it, still not sure what I will do. She hasn’t said or done anything that leads me to believe she even wants a relationship with me, so until she does, I’ll just go with that, and continue to heal and work on my self like I have been the last 4 months. That being said, my buddy who works at the gym texted me yesterday and today at roughly the same time, saying she was at the gym. So it’s clear she’s trying to get me to notice her. But that’s what she’s been doing since July on and off, so I’ll carry on and be civil if she does approach, but I’m not chasing or giving away my power.

[problemsolver]

Absolutely, there are no quick fixes in this life time. And I don’t think it’s something that she’d even be open to, but who knows. I started therapy, and she was interested in that, and maybe she’d be willing to follow my lead. I’ve been thinking a lot about it, still not sure what I will do. She hasn’t said or done anything that leads me to believe she even wants a relationship with me, so until she does, I’ll just go with that, and continue to heal and work on my self like I have been the last 4 months. That being said, my buddy who works at the gym texted me yesterday and today at roughly the same time, saying she was at the gym. So it’s clear she’s trying to get me to notice her. But that’s what she’s been doing since July on and off, so I’ll carry on and be civil if she does approach, but I’m not chasing or giving away my power.

Sounds like your on the right path , at the end of the day you got what many on the board are secretly  hoping for , some 'validation' that you actually mattered to her... the main problem obviously being you can't be 100 percent sure why she started reaching out? Was her rebound on the way out? Etc etc ... like you've mentioned you can't even be sure that she's no longer " talking " to that guy or who she may be lining up to possibly pounce on after you?... same thing I went through its soo hard to trust these people after some of the things they've done/said ... Hard to think about those ' negative ' things that you've experienced , just like many of us have... short recycle with fun ant sex only to disappear or start ' crazy making ' like the old days out of no where but you can't fully let your guard down ... so hopefully this time around you'll get your desired results . You seem to be playing it well though. Keep us posted.

[AnuDay]

Nons... .we must try to stay focused. Whenever I think about relapsing I remember the sting I felt when I got burned the first time.  I will never forget. Even if we did get back together it's virtually impossible to return things to "normal". I ditto the statement above about trust. How could you trust a person like this? The pwBPD don't even trust themselves. They fold in the wind like blades of grass.

"One thing I learned about people is, if they do it once, they'll do it again"

[Lucky Jim]

Agree, AnuDay, though that hasn't stopped many of us from recycling!  We conveniently "forget' about the sting and think it won't happen again, though in virtually every case it does happen again, only it hurts more the second (and third, etc.) time around.

LuckyJim