It would be nice to talk to someone who understands.

[Pepka]

I'm 40 and have always had a difficult relationship with my mother. Things started to escalate after our 2 kids were born. Since a couple of years contact is minimal. Once a month the kids go see their grandparents. It's always uncertain how my mother will be like.

I have tried talking things out many times, but have grown soo tired of it all. I find I have very little trust left in her. I used to be patient and understanding, but now that she gets the kids involved, I find that my patience has disappeared.

Yesterday I picked up the kids and felt how she was pushing my buttons way too much, so I just left before a real fight started again. Today my voicemail is overflowing with blaming, shaming and poisonous remarks about me, my parenting skills, my wife... .you name it.

It's so terribly energy-draining.

I have tried many things, but she seems like a bottomless pit. I have finally given up. If it were just for me I'd stop seeing my mother altogether, but the kids wouldn't understand and probably just miss grandma and see me as the bad guy.

Actually, I've tried to find live "listeners" at 7cups who are or have been in a similar situation with a parent who has BPD-traits but so far no luck. Maybe there are some people here?

PS: This sounds like my childhood: https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest It was not extreme, but it certainly wasn't good either.

[Kwamina]

Hi Pepka and welcome to our online community

I am sorry that your mother's behavior has affected you so much. Dealing with a BPD mother can really takes its toll on you, many of our members have experienced this too. I also have a BPD mother and it definitely was not and actually still is not easy, but I have found posting on this forum helpful.

Things started to escalate after our 2 kids were born.

In what ways did things start to escalate after your 2 kids were born? What did your mother do?

I used to be patient and understanding, but now that she gets the kids involved, I find that my patience has disappeared.

I can understand why her involving your kids would be quite frustrating indeed. How exactly does she involve the kids in all of this?

PS: This sounds like my childhood: https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest It was not extreme, but it certainly wasn't good either.

Emotional incest isn't easy to deal with and can really affect the development of children. Could you perhaps give some examples of your mother's behaviors during your childhood that you now consider to be emotionally incestuous?

Take care and again, welcome to our online community

The Board Parrot

[momisborderline]

Hi Pepka,
I can really relate to your post. I'm in my 40's with a uBPD Mom. In fact just this week I've gone no contact with her. Like you I am so tired of trying to talk it out with her. Nothing changes, and somehow it just all becomes my fault and I get lots of blaming, shaming messages as well. So, 3 days ago I blocked her from my phone/email and while it's been difficult, I'm starting to feel better. Like you, I thought the emotional incest article really summed up my relationship with my mother. Too much to write here but my mother turned to me time and time again to provide the emotional support for her that a significant other, not a child, should provide. She has no sense of boundaries at all.

My sister, who is in her early 40's with 3 kids, definitely noticed things get worse when she had her kids. For the sake of her children, she tried to maintain a relationship with our mother so that her kids would have a grandmother. While my mom was always great to the grandkids, it just became too much for my sister, the relationship with our mom was just too toxic. And while  as far as she knew my mom was fine with the kids, my sister eventually went no contact at all with my mom and now she and her 3 kids have zero relationship with my mom. My sister basically felt that it was harmful to her, and ultimately to her kids to have any relationship with a woman who is so mentally ill. Because we really don't know how that relationship will evolve. For example, since my mom was so emotionally inappropriate with us, my sister worried that over time, she would become that way with the grandkids. My sister also felt that severing contact while the kids were younger rather than older was the right thing to do. (I don't know what she told her kids as to why there was no more relationship with grandma.)

Please know I'm not trying to advise you one way or the other about severing contact with your mom for you and your kids. I really don't know the right answer. I just thought that since my sister went through something similar, it may comfort you to know her story. And to let you know that there is so much in your story that i can relate to.

You are not alone. I'm glad you found this site and hope you will continue posting. I hope things start to get better for you and for all of us.