Sister doesn't want contact with me

[Depression = 72% of members]

My 23 year old sister has been displaying signs of BPD for about 3-5 years now.
In the past year her symptoms have escalated. As many of you might understand, it was kind of hard to differentiate between her actual personality and her extreme BPD symptoms.

For example: she's a bright person with a very snarky sense of humour and a sharp - one might say cynical - outlook on life.
She's always kind of been like that. Very funny, full of comments about everyone. When her mood turns sour and low, these 'little' comments would become very hurtful, very cruel.

After 4 years at College she's moved back home with my parents. About a year ago she began to develop extreme hatred towards my eldest sister who is an alcoholic and who did bad things but after 1.5 years went to rehab. My eldest sister is now clean and lives at home with my parents. My younger BPD sister has never gotten over the fact that the eldest is messed up. To be honest, it's been hard for my entire family to move forward but we are trying our best. My younger sister moved back home and began an extreme campaign of hatred against older sister and parents.

She's blamed them for literally everything in her life. She subjects them to extreme verbal abuse.
In January after sending me a series of hateful detailed text messages I started to not respond.
She basically wanted to get me on her side against my parents and older sister.
I can agree with her to a point about some issues with my family - I will not join a toxic 'hate-on' towards people.

Shortly after the angry texts were sent my husband and I ran into her on the street.
She looked agitated and thin and I know she'd been through relationship and other life troubles (heard this from my parents).
She spoke with us briefly but was angry and then said 'I'm leaving now!'.

I was kind to her but was floored. I'd actually never seen this side of her.

Then I got massive long text messages that basically said 'stay away from me' 'never contact me' 'you are evil and a traitor' 'I hate you'

So I wrote back a simple 'K' acknowledging that I'd seen the messages. My husband and I were concerned  for our safety so we blocked her from our phones.

Now she lives with my parents and trolls me on Facebook - writing horrible comments and messages then deactivating her account.

I realize she's in a terrible angry state and isn't thinking correctly.
I'm worried about her but I've vowed to respect her boundaries (no contact) even though she doesn't respect mine.
I realize she must derive some sort of release or feeling of control from lashing out and abusing people.
I've heard that people with BPD mellow out after 40.
I honestly wish my parents were in heaven and didn't have to deal with her (I'm deeply sorry if this sounds morbid).

Thing is, where do you go from here as a sibling? I guess just ignore the person? I realize after having an alcoholic in the family there is literally NOTHING I can do except see my own shrink and take care of myself.
Every single thing I do triggers my sister with BPD (since she watches me online).

What a horrible disease. I hope genetic testing and stigma around mental illness improves so it can be spotted in families.
I believe my grandfather and uncle also had BPD.

[BPDinmyfamily]

My 23 year old sister has been displaying signs of BPD for about 3-5 years now.
In the past year her symptoms have escalated. As many of you might understand, it was kind of hard to differentiate between her actual personality and her extreme BPD symptoms.

For example: she's a bright person with a very snarky sense of humour and a sharp - one might say cynical - outlook on life.
She's always kind of been like that. Very funny, full of comments about everyone. When her mood turns sour and low, these 'little' comments would become very hurtful, very cruel.

After 4 years at College she's moved back home with my parents. About a year ago she began to develop extreme hatred towards my eldest sister who is an alcoholic and who did bad things but after 1.5 years went to rehab. My eldest sister is now clean and lives at home with my parents. My younger BPD sister has never gotten over the fact that the eldest is messed up. To be honest, it's been hard for my entire family to move forward but we are trying our best. My younger sister moved back home and began an extreme campaign of hatred against older sister and parents.

She's blamed them for literally everything in her life. She subjects them to extreme verbal abuse.
In January after sending me a series of hateful detailed text messages I started to not respond.
She basically wanted to get me on her side against my parents and older sister.
I can agree with her to a point about some issues with my family - I will not join a toxic 'hate-on' towards people.

Shortly after the angry texts were sent my husband and I ran into her on the street.
She looked agitated and thin and I know she'd been through relationship and other life troubles (heard this from my parents).
She spoke with us briefly but was angry and then said 'I'm leaving now!'.

I was kind to her but was floored. I'd actually never seen this side of her.

Then I got massive long text messages that basically said 'stay away from me' 'never contact me' 'you are evil and a traitor' 'I hate you'

So I wrote back a simple 'K' acknowledging that I'd seen the messages. My husband and I were concerned  for our safety so we blocked her from our phones.

Now she lives with my parents and trolls me on Facebook - writing horrible comments and messages then deactivating her account.

I realize she's in a terrible angry state and isn't thinking correctly.
I'm worried about her but I've vowed to respect her boundaries (no contact) even though she doesn't respect mine.
I realize she must derive some sort of release or feeling of control from lashing out and abusing people.
I've heard that people with BPD mellow out after 40.
I honestly wish my parents were in heaven and didn't have to deal with her (I'm deeply sorry if this sounds morbid).

Thing is, where do you go from here as a sibling? I guess just ignore the person? I realize after having an alcoholic in the family there is literally NOTHING I can do except see my own shrink and take care of myself.
Every single thing I do triggers my sister with BPD (since she watches me online).

What a horrible disease. I hope genetic testing and stigma around mental illness improves so it can be spotted in families.
I believe my grandfather and uncle also had BPD.

[Sunfl0wer]

Sorry that your relationship with your sister is so strained.

I was recently confronted by my sister's adult child who asked me why I do not talk to mom?  I suspected mom put her up to it.  She explained that mom tried reaching out and that I did not respond, ... .says mom.  I explained, that is not how I remember it.  I am sure I did not ignore her, yet I am also sure she likely did not like what I had to say.  I ended up telling her that the reason I do not talk to her mom is she approaches things with a high emotional intensity and I do not do well with that.  My relationships are rather stable, and calm in comparison... .I simply do not do well with her relational style.

Longer version is that my sis cycled through her push/pulls with me, yet over the years, her outragous reactions to things escalated.  When it escalated to the point that I was unable to feel emotionally safe in holding onto my own boundaries, I stayed away.  Meaning, when I was no longer able to simply get space from her during her dysregulatiins, and she persisted to bring her drama to me/my home, unwanted/uninvited, presistently after attempts by me to descalate... .I felt it best to care for myself first... .and simply distance enough that she would no longer impose her dysregulatiins on me.  So that means NC.  I know that reengaging in our relationship would mean me opening up the door for her verbal abuse again... .which I am not open to.

Just sharing my own situation fwiw.

I realize how to handle family is a personal decision, so I am not suggesting I know what path you should take.  Just sharing one perspective and where my "breaking point" was, in case helpful.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi BPDinmyfamily! 

Welcome! I'm so glad that you have joined us. Thank you for sharing your first post. Maybe you need an extra hug to start off with. 

First, I'd like to encourage you to take a look at the top of the list to the right hand side of this board, "What is Borderline Personality Disorder?" If you click on that, you'll find more info that opens up. Then if you have time, continue to read about safety, and also about the lessons.

I'm so sorry for the sadness and the pain that you and your parents and sister are going through. It truly is sad and doesn't seem fair at all that any of you would have to go through this. 

She basically wanted to get me on her side against my parents and older sister.
I can agree with her to a point about some issues with my family - I will not join a toxic 'hate-on' towards people.

This is something that is called triangulation, and I'm glad that you are not joining in with her. Here is a link that explains it in more detail:

Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

It sounds as if your sister is doing a lot of projecting of the pain that is going on inside of her towards you. Does it seem that way to you?

I realize she's in a terrible angry state and isn't thinking correctly.
I'm worried about her but I've vowed to respect her boundaries (no contact) even though she doesn't respect mine.
I realize she must derive some sort of release or feeling of control from lashing out and abusing people.

Here is another link for you that contains lots of information so please read as you have time. You may want to start with the ones that catch your attention first that you think might be helpful.

50 Common Questions

Thing is, where do you go from here as a sibling? I guess just ignore the person? I realize after having an alcoholic in the family there is literally NOTHING I can do except see my own shrink and take care of myself.
Every single thing I do triggers my sister with BPD (since she watches me online).

The sad thing is that we cannot change the person who has BPD. You are not responsible for her reactions to you either. Those are her choice. It hurts us to watch them, and it hurts to bear the brunt of their lashing out. My mom was an uBPD so I really do understand. Ignoring doesn't exactly work either, but learning how and why they operate the way they do will help you when you need to interact with her. Validate her as you can. As your understanding deepens, you can also help your other family members. They're going to need encouragement as well. You mentioned seeing a T; do you have one that you go to who is familiar with BPD? This would also be helpful to your parents if they would go. Strategies of how to deal with a BPD are definitely much needed when you have to interact with them regularly. Have you read any books about BPD that have been helpful to you?

 
Wools