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Author Topic: 30 year saga  (Read 362 times)
Latrodge

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 17


« on: September 21, 2017, 09:04:40 PM »

Hi - I have to admit I've been lurking on here for awhile but I feel it is time to post, to share my story for cathartic reasons, to gain some insight from all of you, and also to possibly help someone early in their marriage with 'high hopes', with the honest truth that it doesn't necessarily get any easier as time goes on. My BPDw and I met and married in church about 30 years ago, were actively involved there, and both our families were likewise involved. Even prior to marriage, we would sometimes get into these random, extreme arguments late into the night, about really nothing. Rages, as I've come to realize. I would try to JADE for often hours on end and we would go round-and-round. Early warning sign I did not heed.  At that time, the mix was probably 90% jekyl/10% hyde.  I just viewed her as high strung but generally with a good heart, her parents said she was 'sensitive' and had always been so.  And her family had some odd traits that I thought she would outgrow once we were married. We largely had a good time together and shared most values.  We worked hard, saved $, traveled together, went to church, etc. However, over time it really began to confuse me how someone who was so involved in church could launch into profanity laced tirades about people at church, co-workers, her family, my family, etc.  And then wake up the next morning and say 'hi hon, do you want breakfast?' as if nothing odd had occurred.  No remorse, shame, or anything. And then do it again, and again, and again... .I questioned her on this many times, but never an introspective answer. My Dad was an alcoholic, sometimes mean but sometimes great. He quit when I was in high school, but the effects still were felt in my family.  This experience from my youth, I believe, gave me an ability to 'compartmentalize' and make the marriage work, through lots of good times but lots of bad/weird verbal attacks and incidents. One of my most memorable is that we were living back East after about 15 years of marriage, and I took her to Carnegie Hall. Great date, right?  I had worked a long day and dozed off for just a few minutes during the performance. This resulted in a screaming match on 7th Avenue afterward. It was all about her wounded pride that I didn't 'care enough', of course no empathy for my being tired.  This type of disproportionate response to perceived slights was fairly common, although not predictable, and any little thing could throw a positive event into chaos or worse. I would often find myself walking on eggshells, although I did not know it at the time. Anyway, after this pattern had continued for about 20 years, through the birth of four kids, two trans-coastal job relocations, and inevitable conflict wherever she went, I wrote several letters to her in the 2009-2010 timeframe, outlining my thoughts on her rampages, her deteriorating relationships, and her inconsistencies. She never really addressed them though, just a cursory attempt to get more into church, our make amends (temporarily) for any hurt she had done to me, her sister, her parents, etc.  When I was made aware of BPD a few years later, I re-read these letters and it was like reading a novel in reverse. All her actions were so clear, a mixture of BPD with NPD traits (she is attractive and seeks attention through drama, inappropriate flirting, health crises, and ultimately substance abuse - more on that in a minute).  I would encourage ANYONE to try and record/video any of your convos with your pwBPD, and to also document incidences and dates, your feelings, the things said, etc.  Looking back merely from memory, I could not possibly recapture the bizarre-ness of some of our conversations or circumstances had I not kept a written record.  I would not have believed any of it, had I not written it down. Nor would I have been able to recognize the BPD. I had described it to a 'T' in these letters, three years before knowing what it was.

Anyway, she had always been able to keep all the family from 'comparing notes' on what was said, why conflict and misunderstandings kept emerging, why nothing was ever resolved, and the common thread.  I always assumed that the hateful things she said about my Mom or her sister (two very 'Black' people in her mind, and recurring targets of rages), were for my ears only and that she was nice to them to their face (which she was when I was around) to maintain the persona of the 'nice girl'. Around 2013, this all began to break down.  A series of situations arose which caused the family on both sides to realize we had all experienced the same verbal abuse and had hidden it over the years, either to protect ourselves, or each other, or our her parents, or the kids, or my BPDw - not sure which. We all realized that BPD existed (never heard of it before then) and that it fit my BPDw's behavior pattern. Also during this time, our boys reached the teenage years, and began to also realize as their world broadened that 'mom is not normal'.  When they were younger she could easily fool/control them with lies or threats, but her outlandish comments and rages about random or insignificant situations were eventually seen by the kids for what they were.  They began to push back against her childish and illogical behavior, which of course became a real threat to her. I told her several times it was lie having five kids, as she was just more childish than they were when conflict arose.  I did my best to cover over the issues so our family was not exposed to ridicule or embarrassment. Since about the first 10 years of marriage, I have always had a job with travel or significant time away from home.  I believe this has helped me to maintain the marriage through all this time, as it has provided a boundary or buffer against the unpredictable.  If we were talking on the phone when I was out of town, she started in, I could simply hang up.  Very freeing. 

When I first read about BPD almost 5 years ago, I would have classified her as 'high functioning'. Lots of rages, but largely hidden outside the family - socially she was ok.  We saved money, had a good middle-class lifestyle, she was a (retired) RN and basically got along most of the time.  She was just seen as a little odd, and a bit difficult by some people, but within the bounds of normalcy. No self-harm, no substance abuse, etc.  I thought with a little tweaking after she got 'fixed' by a shrink, we could move forward and build on what common ground we had. All the family began to apply pressure on her to get help, with hopes for improved relations.  We were all very naïve and assumed that simply pointing out BPD, and how well it fit her behavior, would be a welcome revelation to her, that she would embrace it and seek help. Especially with all the pain and turmoil it caused in her life.  But, No.  She saw it as a threat, and her behavior became really erratic.   She had run-ins all over town (she was banned from Costco and the local Hospital for verbal abuse of staff and other customers, to name just two situations).  She developed a serious drinking problem which left her lying in bed for days at a time, resulted in embarrassing and sometimes profane drunk-dialing episodes to random people and distant friends and relatives, and ultimately culminated in her taking a baseball bat to the car windows of two 'black-painted' neighbors that she had regularly railed against; then rehab, a DUI (after rehab, with a BAC over .30), a restraining order by the neighbors, and prosecution for vandalism/DUI. She has been under house arrest with GPS tracker and had a device in her leg to keep her from drinking. This last three year period of drinking and craziness has largely destroyed the relationship with her kids, and parents (tea-totallers), and siblings. As for me, I'm not sure - I guess that's why I'm here.

It has been a year since rehab, and she has fallen off the wagon more that once, most recently a few weeks ago.  When drinking, her rages are more intense, but her brother and I are still trying to convince her that the drinking is a symptom, not her main problem.  I have told her recently that she had her chance for a re-set after rehab and she blew it. She has made half-hearted attempts at finding a psychiatrist for BPD over the last few years, but with the heavy drinking it was clearly a waste. She still will alternate between defiance ("I don't have BPD - you are the one with the problem!" or complete self loathing.  Anyway, our youngest son is now 15 and the older ones are off to college.  I told her recently that it was over for me, because she has embarrassed our family, betrayed me with drinking, and continues to rage, and has not aggressively addressed the BPD she has known about for years now.  This has resulted in a cycle of "I hate you don't leave me", verbal abuse followed by clinginess. She is estranged from my mom and sisters, her sister and brother, and most of our old friends. Those relationships may never be repaired now that everything is out in the open. I sincerely hoped that rehab would clear her head so she could really deal with the BPD - but nothing.  It's hard to think about starting over at 50+, however I also realize the longer I wait the harder it will be to build a life after this. Then there is the $, attorneys, custody, and what I expect to be harsh accusations from her from all kinds of fabricated abuses. And strangely enough, I do still love her and think about the good times we had and the hopes for the future we used to share.  With all the problems I never thought she would end up like this. I hope this is not too long, but this is only part of it! I welcome any input.  Thanks!                   
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sarahhealing

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
Posts: 8


« Reply #1 on: September 23, 2017, 12:31:21 AM »

Hi Latrodge,

I'm a newcomer to the board, but I just wanted to say thanks for sharing. I'm interested in following this thread and seeing if any words of wisdom pop up. I'll say that in my talks with my therapist about my BPD mom and new BPD sister-in-law, I often struggle with trying to 'fix' the other person or 'teach' the other person a lesson. (I'm also a codependent). I have also been confused a lot of the time because in my relationship with my mom, I usually end up feeling guilty for being angry at her. I know that I love my mom, and I don't doubt that she loves me, but I'm often really confused when I can acknowledge these feelings but also feel such anger and resentment about so many of her behaviors. My husband also does this with his sister. When I point out something she's said or done that makes me feel wronged, he tries to remind me that she's not a bad person and doesn't have mean intentions.

Anyways, I'm finding that in my therapy, I've recently uncovered intense anger about things my mom had said in the past but had long ago forgotten. My therapist recently reminded me to try and keep the focus on healing and protecting myself. I'll definitely post more as I continue my journey.
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Mutt
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
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« Reply #2 on: September 25, 2017, 09:37:03 PM »

Hi Latrice,

Welcome

I’m glad that you decided to join us after lurking the site for awhile. You’ve been through a lot. I’m sorry to hear about the difficulties with your wife’s drinking.

Excerpt
She still will alternate between defiance ("I don't have BPD - you are the one with the problem!"

Is she diagnosed with BPD?
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Latrodge

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Posts: 17


« Reply #3 on: September 26, 2017, 07:05:37 PM »

No she is not.  She has seen several psychiatrists, and I have given her the books "Eggshells", "I hate you don't leave me" and "the Borderline Mother" which she read. She can be very charming in a NPD way, and I believe she does not really tell the Dr. what has gone on when she rages. She will reluctantly admit she has BPD, but has not been 'officially' diagnosed.     
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Mutt
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« Reply #4 on: September 26, 2017, 09:21:06 PM »

30% of people diagnosed with a mental illness reject it. That encompasses all mental illness not just BPD. It sounds like you’re trying to get her to see that she needs help, you want to help her but she rejects it. It’s heartbreaking, some people have to have their backs to wall in order to accept that there’s something wrong and they need fix it.
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