She’s Back...

[Fishmedic]

Hey all,

I’ve been posting mostly on the Break-up Crisis’ board since I joined in July. Long story short, on and off with my exgf who is undiagnosed, but exhibits almost every BPD trait, for the last 6yrs. We’ve broken up plenty, in fact I used to initiate for the most part, and she’d rope me back in. Last year she started a relationship with a “friend”, but I was still in the picture “fighting” for her, and eventually she came back, but mostly because this other guy had his own issues and was a bit of a dud. I kept her at a safe distance, as I couldn’t trust her, but we saw each other on and off during the spring. After spending her Birthday with me at the end of April, having a great time, telling me she loves me, and then taking her to donate her mothers belongings off at the Women’s shelter the week before Mothers Day, she started a fight with me, and then jumped into a new relationship with someone she had just met. I saw them together at the park the day after Mothers Day as I was out for a rollerblade. I contacted her once a week after, just to find out what was going on, and attempt to get some clothing back she had worn home the week before, but she started a fight, and ultimately had her new knight in shining armour threatening me by text. I went complete no contact. In July, she started showing up at the gym while I was there, but wouldn’t look my way. Then she reached out via text in the middle of july, kind of apologizing, but also blaming me, telling me how well she’s doing, wishes me the best, that her BF knows she’s contacting me etc etc. I replied unemotionally that I wished her the best, and left it at that. She then started showing up at the gym while I was there more regularly, which eventually lead to me confronting her about it. In typical BPD fashion, she called her BF and threatened a restraining order on me, and accused me of stalking. I heard nothing for 3 weeks, then started getting voicemails from her in August. First saying she didn’t know what to do, but she had spoken to police, and was scared for her safety. Then a week later, telling me she didn’t want to press charges, crying, just rambling etc etc. She then started calling me from blocked numbers and random numbers I didn’t recognize. I didn’t respond to anything. She then called me last Friday from work, I answered as I thought I recognized the number. We spoke for about 5 minutes, told me she broke up with the BF, wished me well, etc etc. Monday, she texted me, and we ended up sleeping together. She messaged me the last couple of days, asking if I was going to the gym, because she wanted to go, but didn’t want me to think she was stalking me. I just replied “No” both times. Last night, she started texting me, and proposed we should sleep together, as we’re both single, and she’s comfortable with me. Last night we slept together again, and then obviously ended up having a pretty intense chat, her telling me she loves me and so on and so forth.

So, at this point, its been 4 months. I’m pretty detached, but love this girl to death. I made it clear that she needs treatment, and I can’t put myself back in a relationship situation like before, and that we both need to keep working on ourselves in therapy before we even discuss a relationship again. It’s clear to me she’s trying to manipulate me and seduce me back, but now that I have a better understanding of personality disorders, I can see things for what they are as they play out. Obviously I’m a bit confused, and would love to eventually try again if she takes the steps to acknowledge and improve on her disorder, but I’m not rushing into anything, and I plan to enforce my boundaries. I’ve started looking over the lessons, but find it all a bit overwhelming, and could use some guidance in that area.

Thanks for reading.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[blueblue12]

Hey Fishmedic,
How are things developing? Just take care of yourself as the interest may change and then you will find yourself chasing... .just my take as it happened to me after the one recycle... .it wasn't much fun to be love bombed again and then given a few arguments to ponder and a little silent treatment along the way. I found myself wanting her again and trying to keep in touch, then I decided to give up and now feel at peace a lot more. It wasn't healthy.

[once removed]

it sounds like the way things are, they could go one of a number of ways.

I’ve started looking over the lessons, but find it all a bit overwhelming, and could use some guidance in that area.

we can help with this. which part of the lessons are you struggling with or curious about?

[Fishmedic]

So I think we’re both on the same page, in that we both aren’t ready for a real relationship, but obviously we still love and care for one another, but both want to work on ourselves, and just see how things go. I told her I have zero tolerance for any drama or fights, and I won’t partake, and that all I want is honesty. If she meets someone else, or starts talking to someone else, to please just inform me and that will be that. I still feel pretty detached, but I’m open to spending time with her if thats what she wants. I will not be chasing or pursuing, as I’m just not looking for a relationship of that level right now, so it is what it is at this point for me. She has been very open with me, and told me more about what happened with the rebound. Currently he has been charged by the police for domestic abuse/assault, as he attacked her and punched her in the face. She said things weren’t going well prior to that, as she felt he was controlling and manipulating her, and she wanted space, then that happened. She said he is now denying that he did that to her, and was acting very bizarre, so she has blocked him on all platforms and hasn’t spoken to him since last week, when he came to get some stuff from her apartment. Again, I take everything with a grain of salt, and that I’m not getting involved in their situation, as that was her choice to be with him. So I will not be her white knight or come to her rescue if she decides to put herself back in that situation. She said she’s been having some PTSD from that ordeal, and doesn’t know whats going on, or if she has to go to court etc. and was just looking for my advice, which I was open to talking to her about. She said she wants nothing to do with him, and is focused on healing herself from her past, especially losing her mother 3 years ago. She keeps telling me she’s finally letting it go, but still finds it difficult.

As for the lessons, I’m just finding the selection process a bit overwhelming. I’m not really sure where I should be focusing my attention, or where I should begin. But for what it’s worth, I’m focusing on validating her feelings and asking her questions, but withholding my advice, which is what I always used to do. I used to try to solve her issues for her, but I understand now that was me being very codependent and controlling, so I’m withholding giving advice unless she specifically asks for it on a given topic.

[once removed]

okay. it sounds like youve thought this through, and arent too attached to the outcome. that will help, a lot.

it also sounds like youre walking a good line between supporting her and getting involved.

a lot of the Saving tools and lessons are about stopping the bleeding and not making things worse. this relationship is in a relatively stable period where, at least as far as you both are communicating, youre mostly on the same page. if i were you, id look into the Improving lessons as well, but the tools like listening with empathy, and not being invalidating, reinforcement of good behavior, can really help you in terms of supporting her.

so, boiled down from about 30000 feet up, i hear emotional support and sex. any good old fashioned fun hanging out, doing fun things, activities? would that be moving in the wrong direction for you?

[Fishmedic]

Once removed, 
 
I appreciate you taking the time. I'll be definitely reading and rereading those lessons. It makes a lot of sense now looking back. I'm not justifying her behaviour, but i'm such a logical/rational minded human, i tend to "have an answer for everything". So i was always trying to solve her problems and control aspects of her life, which i see now was a big issues and played a part in many of our issues/disagreements. Reinforcing good behaviour sticks out to me as one i really need to read. I find that, i tend to assume everyone should be doing the "right" thing all the time, so i know i never really did much in the way of that for her. I'll be checking them all out, thank you.
 
Well, to be honest, we've only really been talking since last Monday. So no, we havent done anything together really. She stayed at my house last night, and i gave her a ride to work on Saturday, but thats about it. But i'm sure we'll end up going for dinner now and then, or going to see a movie etc. I'm not opposed to any of that, as it's nice to do. But again, as of right now i'm letting her dictate how things go, and fitting her in as i can, but i'm not afraid to say No if i need to. My focus is still solely upon myself, and resolving my own codependant issues, and i've been very open and clear about that to her.