IndyPhoenix
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 1
|
 |
« on: September 25, 2017, 08:33:52 PM » |
|
Hi,
This is my first time writing in a support group so I am a bit nervous. I feel as if I get my story out there perhaps I can find some healing and be free of the baggage.
My mom is a highly functional BPD. I have spent the last 15 years in counseling and nearly all of my therapists have concluded that my mother has BPD. The irony is that I started going to counseling at 17 because I have OCD. As I have grown, I have realized that most of my ocd and anxiety manifested itself as a result of the trauma growing up. It would be so much easier if she had been physically abusive with me. Emotional abuse doesn't leave physical scars for others to see. While one big punch can hurt and be the obvious line that is crossed, with emotional abuse it is like I am being pinched by my mother. Each pinch hurts, but one is not enough to say I am walking away. Collectively though, the pinches are causing me agony.
My mom is the type who suffers from extreme low self-esteem. She is in constant need of affirmation and being made to feel special - at expense of all others. While I was neglected as a child and suffered her sharp tongue, I really want to focus on what has happened the last few years because it is now that I see the abuse so clearly. Two years ago, I got married. A wedding is supposed to be a blissful occasion, but sadly not in my family. My mother began by making demands for what she wanted to see in the wedding. I had to have a shower, even though I did not want one. I had to have a sit-down dinner because that is what she wanted. When she felt that she wasn't being involved enough in the wedding or she did not like how my husband's family was acting, she would call and start screaming at me, as if I was not protecting her interest. She even actually said once, "I am the mother of the bride. This is my day. I am supposed to feel special - not your husband's mom" After I got married, things only spiraled as my husband became public enemy number 1. Our first married xmas, my husband and I decided to invite my family over. During this xmas, my parents and husband had a misunderstanding that escalated. My parents felt uncomfortable and left of their own choosing. Though, as my mom tells the story now, my husband threw them out. As an outsider looking in, it was a high pressure situation where each of them just miscommunicated, and even though my husband has apologized numerous times, two years later, and every time he even looks at my mom funny she throws it in his face about how disrespectful he is. She has on numerous ocassions said terrible things to me about my husband. I beg her to stop and have even hung up the phone on her because my allegiance is clear - my husband.
My whole life any time I disagreed with my mother, I was being disrespectful. I wasn't showing her enough love or attention. I actually call mother's day ":)isappoint Daughter Day" because no matter what present I get her or what card I sent, it is not enough, and I am told such.
This past year, I became a mom to a wonderful sweet little boy. Everyone was over the moon as he is the first grandchild on all sides. My husband and I both have last names in our family that are dying. So, we decided to give our son my maiden name as his middle name. We were then stuck on who the godmother should be as my husband and I both have sisters. We agreed on my sister being the godmother but so as to honor his side of the family as well, we gave our son a second middle name. The second middle name is my mother-in-law's last name. (she and my father in-law are divorced). She too has a last name that will die with this generation. Well, my mom was furious. She told me that adding my mother-in-law's last name disrespected my family and made his middle name less special. To this day, she is furious with me over it and brings it up each time I anger her.
There has also started to be a tug-o-war over my child. My mom believes that we have spent more time with my mother-in-law then her which is not true, and is particularly upset because I spent mother's day driving to see his mom. We chose that weekend to see her because she runs a charity event that my husband agreed to go to that happened to be that weekend out of coincidence. My mother doesn't see it that way. She believes we conspired with my husband's family to spend mother's day with her and use the charity event as an excuse. She told me as the mother of a new mother, I should have known that I am supposed to spend my first mother's day with her - to make her feel special.
The events of the past go on and on and on. My mother is upset that my son's first xmas will be spent with my in-laws and not her. It doesn't matter that I have spent the last two xmases with her, her grandchild's first is the only one that counts.
The verbal abuse has gotten to the appoint that I am now afraid of it affecting my child. What causes me to write this message are the events of this weekend. My husband was out of town for a wedding, and my mom decided to come to town to visit her grandson. (She doesn't come when my husband is here because she is still mad about the misunderstanding at xmas two years ago... .see above) The entire time she is in my house she is judging me and my space. Commenting about how she doesn't like the art on the wall, hates that we have a picture up of my husband's sister, hates that i let the dog on the couch, thinks i should give the baby meat already instead of just vegetables, thinks i should give the baby tylenol when he is teething, I can't let him do ballet because he will be bullied etc. Every moment is a judgment. But I do my best for my son to put up with her so she can visit him. Finally, it comes to dinner time, and I am asking her what she wants to eat. (I always let my mom choose the food, because if I choose wrongly, I will hear about how unhappy she is). She tells me she wants chicken. I ask her what type of chicken. She says rotisserie chicken. I tell her that no restaurants around me have that, what else would she like. She refuses to choose and says give me the name of some restaurants so I can look them up. At this point I am juggling my cranky 7 mo old. and tell her maybe its best for her to google restaurants and look at their menus. I will own that this conversation had been going for a while and I sounded a bit frustrated. At this point, she starts yelling that she wants to go home, storms to the guest bedroom to pack her things, starts slamming doors and huffing about how she never feels welcome here. I only use her to get things. I don't love her. She could die tomorrow and I would not care. At first I do start engaging her, but then I wake up and realize this is all happening in front of my child. I quickly calm down and tell her to stop yelling in front of my baby. She flat out refuses continues yelling and then leaves the house in a huff. So angry she was at me, then she peeled out of my drive way and hit my mailbox. Thirty minutes later she calls me to assure me she is driving safely and that she loves me. She didn't deserve for me to snap at her but she loves me... .no apology, no recognition, this whole thing is my fault.
I spent the next day crying. I then sent her an email apologizing for making her angry but letting her know she hurt me deeply with the things she said. I tell her, Our relationship is toxic and I would like to go to counseling with her that I will pay for so we can learn to communicate. When is she available?
She replied by telling me she was too stressed to go right now (using a family member's health as a scapegoat). She said " Yes I did say unfortunate things to you but I reacted to your snappiness with stress already on my shoulders." She never apologized, not even for the mailbox.
so I send her this response:
"I respect your wishes. When you are ready, please let me know, and I will make an appointment .
Please know that in keeping with my trying to be a better mom to my son, I am choosing to not yell in front of him and won't let others yell in front of him either. I must be better and demand better for him."
She replied with
"I didn’t yell! You did which upset me because you wouldn’t even let me talk . You started it for no reason especially when I was being a great mom and grandmother! I didn’t sleep, you did and I bent over backwards trying to please you and my beautiful grandson . I won’t be FaceTiming and please enjoy motherhood and like I stated the whole 2 days I was there you are a great mother."
I really feel like I am at a crossroads. I cannot let this person hurt me anymore, nor can I let my son be affected by her bad behavior. What I have described here is really just the tip of the iceberg in terms of her behavior. While my sister suffers like me and has been a great support, our father has started drinking my mom's koolaid and stands with her. I know that to cut her out of my life is to cut him out as well. It's just so hard. I have cried and cried. I don't want to be abused anymore. I have been her verbal punching bag for too long. But they are my parents. She's my mom. She's my son's grandmother. Walking away is so hard, but she won't go to therapy, and the abuse is escalating.
Help
|
