Introverted (non diagnosed BPD?) Ex just dropped a bomb and left...

[Cg20]

Long story, here goes. So I met this young lady (27, me 46) just by chance. We both coach and well we became friends. I was ending a divorce and so it stayed that way. After a year we just started dating, in secret. My ex wife scared her a bit, her family would never accept me (she thought) and we both work in the same line job, fairly close to one another with several acquaintances in common.

Now she warned me from the start she would push me away and I thought ok, we will see. She told me of her need to make her family proud (dad) and that she had been sexually abused in college (more than once). But we proceeded. Like many have said it was like nothing ever before. I could see past her little nuances, like when she would send me a picture and say tell me I'm pretty. Absolutely gorgeous btw. Her whole presence was beautiful. I thought for a tortured soul she has so much love in her. When she did tell me she loved me it was one of those I've never felt this way kind of things and I completely agreed. We had so many amazing nights and days together. Her introversion did pop up from time to time and I would give her her space. She would go out with her friends and I never had a jealous moment. She was so sure she loved me that on 2 occasions she said if circumstances were different I would marry you right now. We took weekends off together because we couldn't really date because nobody could know. Little did I know how much of a strain and burden this would be on her. I'm not blaming myself because she set those parameters, but just the same, I should've seen that.

I need to say that she was always on meds for depression and anxiety.

So, in May her grandmother died, she warned me she might become distant. She really didn't but there was a little difference. In June her mother got breast cancer. She came to me after finding out while she was out of town for the weekend. It was the last time I saw her the same. After that late weekend in June the 4th of July was rolling in. We talked everyday on the phone and she sent me snapchat pictures everyday for the entire relationship. Right after the 4th that almost abruptly ended. Texts got fewer, less pictures and she looked unkempt. Her dad had threatened divorce (attention tactic, narcisisst) and he told her that When she left for college the light had gone out in their house. That's a terrible burden for someone with a anxiety and depression.

Around the 10th we start talking more as we have a vacation planned. We spent 7 days in the mountain's. I knew something was wrong, but I never said anything because I kind of looked at this as her escape. It was very subdued in the mountain's but there was still affection. When we get back I drop her off, kiss her good night. Her mother's chemo treatments had started and she wanted to be there so I knew I wouldn't see her much. Hardly any texts, no phone calls, and then she says we're going to the lake cabin no service for 2 days. This is now August 1st. I hadn't seen her since July 19th. On August 3rd she sent me a text saying I need 45 minutes to an hour of your time. I say ok. The next hour was spent telling me she had gone to a clinic for cutting, and that her whole life was upside down. She assured me it wasn't me but life. Then she said I don't need a boyfriend or lover, I just need a friend and she would understand if I couldn't do that. I said I will be here for you. She said thanks and that was kind of it.

Now almost 2 months later, she has sent texts everyday except 2, I never initiate texts, I let her do that. She is going out with friends and says she in a good place. I have talked to her several times on the phone and each time it sounds like she is crying when she hangs up. She has started sending me pictures and telling about things that I know she wants me to say something uplifting, tell her how pretty she is or how great she is and I do not. I have missed texts and not replied for hours and she gets upset and says things like well I guess I know how you feel, thanks. I'll reply with I was working or I was busy, no sorrys, hours later she will text like nothing happened.

Now I want her to get better, but she is not getting help, I am. I am pretty sure she is seeing someone, which I think was in the wings as it was. I have become very professional in our discussions so she can see there is no feelings (there is, but she doesn't need to know). She now tweets and Snapchats things and if do not like them or look at them within 5-30 minutes she is texting me.

I'll be honest, I have no idea what is going on. I have done a lot of research and I started with narcissist/codependent. But she isn't always narsissitic. Then I saw borderline... .it kind of fits except she is an introvert and is avoidant. She does not want conflict so she will run and hide. But she still shows borderline tendencies.

I guess what I am looking for is how can I help without being sucked in. I'm getting help for codependent. I'd like for her to give me another chance, but only if she decides to get help. I just want to sleep well again and I want her to know I'm not leaving like everyone else does (That's what she says). That's my story. I'm kind of lost, but doing what I need for me, just want this poor soul of hers to be happy.

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[Cg20]

Does anyone see this being borderline?  Possibly quiet borderline?  I am Seeing a counselor, they want to say Narcissistic, I see that, but she doesn't get abusive just angry when I do not respond within the parameters of her expectations. Even today, She sent me a text congratulating me  on a win. I said thanks, hope you feel better. She replied with, Did I do something or say something wrong?  I honestly have no idea if she is manipulating or just very insecure. I never tell her she looks good anymore, I say nothing that has feelings, it is all non personal and yet she finds ways to act like I wronged her. For all I know, its all in my head. This is very frustrating and completely draining.

[Harley Quinn]

Does anyone see this being borderline?  Possibly quiet borderline?  I am Seeing a counselor, they want to say Narcissistic, I see that, but she doesn't get abusive just angry when I do not respond within the parameters of her expectations. Even today, She sent me a text congratulating me  on a win. I said thanks, hope you feel better. She replied with, Did I do something or say something wrong?  I honestly have no idea if she is manipulating or just very insecure. I never tell her she looks good anymore, I say nothing that has feelings, it is all non personal and yet she finds ways to act like I wronged her. For all I know, its all in my head. This is very frustrating and completely draining.

Hi Cg20 and Welcome!

I think you are very brave to be doing what you are in taking a step back and putting your feelings for her on hold to satisfy her need for just a friend.  I can imagine it is frustrating and draining, yes.  Is this alright with you?  What would you like to see happen ideally? 

We cannot diagnose here, however in answer to your question, I do think there may be some identifiable traits in what you've described.  When you looked up BPD, which specific traits did you see fit with your ex's behaviour?

It's good that you came to this site, as it is packed with really informative resources that are fact based and do not contain urban myths (and there are many of these) so you can be sure that the articles, tools and lessons are reliable.  I'd encourage you to have a good look around.  Also, you will find that there are many members asking similar questions who can relate to your situation during the r/s.  Do keep reading and posting as it helps to talk about this stuff and work through it.  We're here to help you find a way forwards that works for you.

Love and light x

[Cg20]

  Harley Quinn 

Ideally I'd like for her to get help. I told her I would stand by her because she has said everyone leaves. I want her to be better, I'd like another chance knowing what I know now, but I can see this more than likely will never happen. I don't mind being her friend but it is like a scab, you pick at it and it bleeds again.

I looked at every PD. My counselor suggested Narcisisst/codependent. I agree I am a fixer, but I had no idea to what degree. I do realize I cannot fix her. As far as traits
1. She told me early on she would push me away. She even went so far as to send me a letter that was published on Pinterest depicting how it would play out and how Mich she loved everything about me, but inevitably I would leave.
2. She would always send pictures every morning, I always told her how beautiful she was. She most times responded with really. But there were times I felt like she was fishing for an ego boost.
3. There were no outbursts. She did everything internally. When all of her turmoil started in June she changed the way she said I love you to, luv u or love u 2. I know its just text, but it was different. She looked like she had let herself go. I got less phone calls and they were a little aggressive. The pictures stopped, I asked her about it and she said this is the important question you had? All of this was being done via text. I saw her 7 day out of 34 be fore she dropped the bomb. She literally one day changed
4. During that time, the 7 days, we went on vacation. She was very drawn back and I just tried to let her enjoy being away. She started self harming while on vacation. I didn't notice it of course. Honestly I'm not even sure she did. Really I'm not sure any of this is true or if she just met someone else (it's a possibility, but she did tell me she had anxiety and depression with being sexually assaulted in college and her parents marriage was narcissistic.
5. After the break. She has gotten upset if I don't not respond correctly or don't text her back. She puts things on social media and I try to stay away, then she texts me. Not necessarily for that reason, but I feel like she is trying to let me know. It is more like she wants to use me on her terms.

I have read a lot on here. I don't know if I'm over thinking it. I do know she has anxiety and depression. But she just stopped loving me in one day. She spread it out over a month, but there was a definite switch one day. Could just be that she didn't see a future... .But that's now what she told me. As far as being her friend, I'm not. I'm there for her when she needs it. She is not there for me, but I don't need it. She hangs out with her friends. She denies me the opportunity to talk about things I'd like to know. She avoids certain things. I 've seen her 3 times because I've had to coach against her. She even went so far as to say she might get fired if they lost to my little school. To me for every day that she doesn't seem to be fishing for sympathy there are 2 that she does.

I see this as feeding her insecurity. So I don't. I'll talk to her, but I do no reassuring, no validating, no normalizing. Not anymore. If she says something out of the ordinary, I will gently turn the conversation to where she has to own up to it.

I am not sure it can ever go back. But for her sake, I just need to find away to get her to seek counseling. I am afraid on no contact. Hello codependent. At this point, just want her to be the best her she can be.

I'm off on a tangent. I'm getting help, I can survive this, but when she gets those hooks out... .I need the strength to give her options or no go.

Thanks for any advice or thought!

[Harley Quinn]

So from what you describe, you're not her partner, you're not her friend, or at least in the traditional sense and don't get treated the same way as her other friends.  But she leans on you almost daily and seeks validation and sympathy from you.  Do I have that right?  It sounds very tiring and frustrating.  In what ways does this affect you in the rest of your life?  Are there impacts that you can see from this?

I told her I would stand by her because she has said everyone leaves.

Fear of abandonment is a huge driver for a pwBPD and can influence so much of their behaviour.  To the point that a BPD partner can interpret many innocent things as abandonment and can create situations where people are left little choice but to leave, effectively causing the realisation of their own deep fear.  It is very sad however will be a recurring theme throughout their lives.  A great deal of commitment and ongoing motivation is required to step into therapy and do the work to make lasting changes in existing coping mechanisms. 

I can totally understand your wanting her to be better.  The vast majority of the membership if not 100% feel that way about the pwBPD in or out of their lives.  You're a caring compassionate person and that's natural for you.  What I would advise you do is ask yourself the following questions.

What role do you see yourself in and what do YOU get out of this arrangement? 
Are you sure she sees things the way you do regards the dynamic in this relationship?
How do you feel about this woman and are you denying this to her and yourself at the moment in order to meet her needs above your own?

I'm getting help, I can survive this, but when she gets those hooks out... .I need the strength to give her options or no go.

Tell me a little bit about the options you'd want to give her.  Have you thought about presenting these ahead of time?  Just throwing that out there.  I may be way off base, so set me right if so.  It must be painful to have her backtrack on you and have the expectations of you that she does without a two way reciprocal relationship.  What are you doing to look after yourself and manage the effects this has on you?  I'm glad you're getting the support of a therapist, as this will make a big difference.  It also falls to you to make positive choices for yourself to allow for growth and healing.

There's an article that I think you may find interesting.  Apologies if you've already come across this in your reading already.  I thought of this when reading your post.  This is something I read during my r/s and it was enlightening.  Let me know your thoughts.

What Does It Take To Be In A BPD Relationship?

Love and light x

 

[Cg20]

It is my perception that she is seeking validation and sympathy only because there are times she gets upset if her texts are not answered in a timely fashion or I do jot try and extend the conversation. Today for example I told her I hope she feels better and to get some rest. Her reply was did a say something wrong? No, but her previous text seemed like an ending so I just wanted to wish her well for the day. Lots of times I will text her and then she's just gone. I can see that it will depress me for a little while, but I get back to work and stay busy.

Reality is I don't know what caused the end of out relationship because she told me she was going camping and actually went to a clinic for self harm. When she came back, she sent a text explaining it all then said "I don't need a boyfriend or a lover I just need a friend. If you can't do this I will understand". Quite honestly it could be an excuse because for some reason or another she didn't see a future with me. But her getting upset when I don't text "properly" makes me feel like there was/is some actual personality trait coming out.
The role I see myself in is the crutch to hold her up. I get nothing.
I have no idea how she sees the relationship. I really think she believes she has avoided the whole breakup trial. Without giving me closure.
I think she is an amazing person with a possible serious personality disorder that will never allow her to be in a real relationship. I deny her any of my feelings because when I did say anything she said that is a burden on her.

Options I'd like to give her.
Right now none because there is no real relationship. She has control and it is what she wants.
If she truly wants a friendship, which is going to be a struggle, then she can't get upset if I don't answer in a timely fashion or am busy with my life.
If there is to be a romantic relationship... .as I'm typing this the more I can see she has used avoidance to slowly push me away and not be the bad guy. In a relationship, I would want better communication on how she is feeling, space no problem, but at the same time I would like to see her get counseling. In the end I know she won't.

I guess for me the real deal is, I don't know if it a PD or if she is just trying to get out of this using PD as an excuse. Knowing her history it is hard to say she is using it as an excuse, along with the texting and her perception that I am mad or upset with her because I don't text back right away.

It's maddening because if it's PD, I'm 100% in. If it the other, she might very well be evil incarnate.