I survived the Mexico earthquake and my gf is mad at me

[urbabyunicorn]

Hi Everyone,

Thank you for creating this safe space. I've been in a relationship with my partner for 2 years now and she has BPD. It's been a very rough ride but I have tried to be hopeful and sought support to help her and help myself. The reality is that she isn't putting the same amount of importance on her own path of recovery and I can no longer carry the weight for two people. I have tried it all. I have a history of codependency and I'm a full blown caretaker with my job, family friends and to add my BPD partner. I have worked really hard to create boundaries, have conversations establish clear limits and healthy communication but there's not much more I can do. When she believes I am no longer who I am it's all over. She's broken up with me 3 times during her fits of rage. I have fallen into a deep hole on various occasions as my trauma has been triggered with the imbalance and instability.  I need support. I go to therapy , I've been in CODA groups, I read read read but I need specific support in the area of BPD with others who understand this crisis I live in.

My most current situation is this:

I was in the Mexico City Earthquake last week. It was a horrific experience and I was suppose to fly home that day. All flights got cancelled and I had no cell phone service for hours. I eventually was able to get in contact with may partner and I asked her for assistance with getting me to a secure hotel and finding me a flight. My partner suffers from BPD. The 10 hours after the quake were the worst. I didnt get to settle or sleep until the time I got home the following day. I was running off of about 1.5 hrs of sleep in almost 2 entire days. The day I returned my partners back went out and the most I was able to offer was support via text as my mind and body were in a state of trauma.

The following day I went to work and barely functioned. She asked that I pick up her meds and that was a task I could handle. So  I then went to pick up her pain meds and ordered her dinner.  When I dropped it off I could see she was upset with me. That night I checked in and she started to be distant, giving me one word answers. So the following day I continued to check in. I could tell she was acting differntly towards me. She wouldn't answer my texts or calls. Well I was still worn out and was resting from the natural disaster event I lived through.

I had to walk miles and miles with my suitcase and no water or food to the airport to seek shelter. It was brutal on my mind and body and I saw horrific things that I just cry about. All I could manage was trying to cope with my survival guilt.  Even as I was going through that I continued to reach out and she started to be more angry in her text messages. So I decided to just leave her alone.

The followng day I had a fever and had been sick a few days. Well I start to get a  bunch of angry text messages that said that I did "Nothing" for her while she was in pain. That even though I'm alive she sees no room or reason for me to be in her life. She coninued to say hurtful things. That she regretted asking me for help to get her meds etc... .It felt like a big kick in the stomach. So now I've been trying to cope with the guilt I feel around the Quake and the treatment and Guilt I feel about her. I know that my guilt in my relationship stems from relationship PTSD. As this isn't the first time she has a flare up and comes at me with piercing words and actions. But I feel frail with all these other things happening and I could use words or experiences others have had to help me get through this.  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Tattered Heart]

Hi urbabyunicorn,

I am so sorry to hear about everything you have been through recently. I cannot imagine the horrors and trauma that you've seen and experienced. The town where I work was destroyed by a tornado several years ago and I remember how devastating it was to see the damage. The stories I heard from others were terrifying and painful.

Having the stress of someone with BPD attacking you because of your lack of response to them only adds to the pressure of everything. Usually I would give advice about how to communicate better with your pwBPD, but in your particular scenario, I think focusing completely on yourself so that you can heal is of utmost importance. Her needs may have to take a back burner for a little while because what you went through needs to be dealt with first. This doesn't just go away overnight. People where I live are still experiencing intense trauma 6 years later.

I would suggest that you have a conversation with her that includes validating her and using what we call SET

The conversation might go something like this:

I'm sorry that you are upset about me not being able to get your meds. I should not have offered to do so. I am going through a lot right now and I could really use your support. You are very important to me, but I almost died. I saw horrible things that I cannot wrap my mind around. Your needs are valued to me, but I really need you to help me work through all this right now. Here is how you can help me: (lay out what needs are most important). Continue to stress to her that she is still special to you, but keep going back to the seriousness of your mental condition at the moment.

As for what you are going through. Cry. Yell. Get it all out. Grieve. Get into a counselor as soon as possible to help you work through this.

Survivor Guilt

[isilme]

I want to throw this out there.  She was scared for you, and about you.  She was worried she'd lost you/was going to lose you.  But, she can't react in a way we'd understand.  So, she's mad at you for "making" her feel all those negative feelings of potential abandonment.  So "letting her down".  No, it's not your fault you got stuck in an earthquake zone, without the means to get rest, get out, or even use your phone.  But this is all inconsequential to a pwBPD.  She got sacred about you, therefore according to BPD it's your fault.  Asking you to do things for her, in spite of your need for rest and recovery yourself is asking for actions to validate that you are still there, by actions. 

I have been in situations where I was unable to respond to H, most often by lack of cell service.  H tends to freak if he can't reach me, and it all goes downhill from anger at my not answering being seen as ignoring him, to worry I am dead, back to anger for making him worry I am dead (all because my office or some places I have to be, have dead-cell-service-zones).  Even a trip to Walmart can result in this, if the funky construction of the building puts me out of contact.  The incident on which the anger is focused is rarely the REAL cause of the anger, and anger, like Jedi master Yoda has stated, is often tied to fear.

She can't process her fears caused by your being in an earthquake that cost many lives.  She can't come out and communicate this is part of the cause of her anger.  She probably is not even consciously aware this is a cause, and instead, finds it easier to focus on coming up with easier reasons for being upset.  This makes it easy and acceptable to express her anger at you for her feelings scared she was going to lose you/you'd abandon her by dying. 

H has told me he has trouble processing anger or being upset unless he yells AT a person.  It does not have to be the person who caused him anger.  It does not even have to BE a person who caused him anger.  Rain on a day he wanted to be outside can result in him feeling a need to yell at someone. 

She needs to have a fight to get her feeling out.  She needs to project the cause for those feelings onto you to be able to express them.  If only you could be considerate and not make her worry you're going to die on her, that'd be greeeeeeaaaaaat.  Even though you did nothing wrong, and need comfort and solace yourself, she can't move past her own turmoil to give you that.  She wants to push you away so she won't have to face how bad it feels to think of you being killed or hurt. 

[steev]

I’m thinking the cell phone/availability is common trigger for those afflicted with BPD. If you don’t call or respond, for ANY reason, it a confirmation that you are abandoning them. It is irrational, but it is their reality and you have to take the abuse because you-are-abandoning-them!
I have to be available instantly when the wife calls/txt. If I am committed to a task, client, driving my car…a quick call back gets a “why don’t you have your phone with you?”

[urbabyunicorn]

Thank you both tattered heart , Isilme  and steev for taking the time to read this and giving me great feedback. One of the things I'm struggling with along with what I've mentioned is being the fixer. My role in this relationship is that of care taking. I'm trying to practice healthy boundaries and not repair constantly. How do you find your balance in that? The day she sent me messages. I replied by validating, I validated her anger and frustration. I then offered to help with any basic needs, I let her know I am here and when she feels safe to come to me I will be here. I reminded her that I care, that she's important and that she deserves kindness. All her responses were no thanks, you don't understand, I've had enough, you know what the next texts are gonna be! (which means leaving me)

[isilme]

To be honest, when the "crazy" texts start, I try to disengage as quickly as possible.  We all have some clue, usually, of when our pwBPD is in a more receptive mood, versus angry/upset/raging/silent treatment.  You can try to talk things out when the mood is receptive.  Any other time, it just agitates them even more, and wastes your time and energy.

Validation is a good tool BEFORE the rage, as an attempt to head off the rage, or after the rage and silent treatment are over and she's "reset".  During - it's just seen as JADE-ing. 

As a "fixer" we are usually on the co-dependent side.  We need them to feel good and happy to allow ourselves permission to feel good and happy.  If they are distressed, we want to step in and "fix" it.  Sadly, you can't.  Yeah, you can run an errand for them.  Yeah, you can make them dinner, take them on trips, plan nice birthdays.  But you can't MAKE them happy.  You can't fix the turmoil inside them.  You can coax them into letting you in past the first mask of being super charming and fun, then past the hurt child mask over time as you learn more about handling it all, and then, you may be able to find an honest place to address the REAL causes for their pain, not the minutiae they choose to focus on day to day. 

It's very hard for me to let go when H is in a bad mood.  I have to tell myself he has a right to his feelings (I literally think this as a mantra), he is allowed to be angry, I do not have to have those feelings, or own them.  They are his feelings, I can have mine, I can choose to try to help, and I can choose to let him work through it.  I can listen, and I can move on if needed to let him figure out how to deal with things, because I can't do it all for him.  THIS is one of the biggest lessons after being on this site for 10 years that seems to have helped.  I don;t need to JADE if I accept these are his feelings, he's allowed to have them and I am allowed to disagree.  I don't need to JADE if he is angry and I know it's unbridled emotion speaking, not any real part of his rational mind.  I ride it out as best as possible, then come back and speak to the rational him when I can.  I tell myself I can let those insults fall away, instead of accepting them, instead of internalizing them.  If I don't LET them hurt me, they lose some of their power, and I can remain a bit calmer in the face of the rage, and try to shorten it, mostly by stepping back, finding a moment to leave, to be quiet, I can usually now let him spew it all out, and not feel too terrible about it much of the time. 

When they push - you want to grab and hold on.  This just makes them push harder.  So. Stop grabbing.  It's not about playing hard to get or a game.  It's about breaking the cycle that is not working.

She texts you to vent her rage, her unhappy feelings.  You don't need to accept them, own them, or even really respond.  Validation is for BEFORE this point.  It can head off the rage, but usually, won't stop it.  So, disengage.  Set a time you really can talk, hopefully, face to face.  "This is too important to discuss over texting." Texting/messaging is way too easy to misinterpreted, misread, and even saved to use out of context to use against you later. 

[urbabyunicorn]

Thank you isilme

Since I myself am in a traumatized state from the event and the BPD outbursts I definitely only had access to certain tools on that day. I had to turn my phone off because the texts and emails continued from her. I'm still very nervous to check my phone. I'd like to be able to not be effected but I feel my psyche is frail right now. The Silent , cut of period is so awful that I fall into deep feelings of guilt and all the what if's I could have done better. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I'm definitely learning.

[Tattered Heart]

islilme's advice is spot on. Separating your emotions from her emotions will help you get a little better perspective. We have a workshop on this. It's called Dealing with Enmeshment and Co-Dependence .

Considering your emotional state right now, what do you think you could have done better? Would it really fix things or would it give you the feeling that it fixed things?