18 years of chaos

[Indiagirl]

I am not sure where to begin. I have been with my husband for a total of 18 years. I just recently discovered the truth- that he has BPD. I have been to multiple therapists over the years myself, struggling to find support and someone to listen to all of the craziness that happens in my relationship. They all tell me to leave. I don't know why I haven't yet. I know my own mental health is suffering. Some days, like yesterday, I just lay in bed and cry all day. The night before had been one with my husband ranting and raving at me alllll night, following me around the house and in the bedroom, refusing to leave me alone, refusing to stop following me and to stop talking at me. All because I had asked him to please stop holding onto me while I was cooking because it was difficult for me to cook and move around the kitchen with his arms around me. Of course I had initially hugged him back for a while. But I'm guessing others of you who have a spouse with BPD know what I am talking about.  Nothing I do is ever right. Even if I try and try, "something" always upsets him, and it's always something I've done, or haven't done, or said, or haven't said... .I'm coming to the realization that I am so so much happier when he's gone (he has a job that takes him out of town constantly.) when he's gone I'm so much more relaxed and happy. Despite the constant calls and texts. I feel like I know in my head that I should leave. Sometimes I'm so so mad at myself when I think about all the years I've stayed, how hard I've tried, how lost I've become. And then. Then there are the good times, and the great times. The times of peace, when we are best friends and enjoy each other so much. The times that give me false hope.
Does anyone know what I'm going through?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[whatsspots]

Hi there,
Just wanted to say my relationship with my partner feels much the same.
The bad times are so painful, but the good times are so very very good. It is so tiring being on an emotional rollercoaster.
I too am regularly accused of doing 'something' to upset him and there are occasions where nothing I do is right.
Only you will know if and when the time is right to leave. Enjoy your peaceful times and stay strong whatever you decide.

[toomanydogs]

 
Hi India Girl,
  I know exactly what you're going through. Difference is, I'm heading into divorce, and I was with my H for 10 years.
  Early in our r'ship, we were sharing a hotel room. It was past midnight, and he wanted to "talk" and I needed to go to sleep. I finally just got my own room.
  When he was living in the house, he would come into my room and video tape in the middle of the night. Wow. I write that and wonder why in the hell I stayed.
  I totally get what you're going through. You have my thoughts and prayers,

TMD

[pearlsw]

Hi, I can definitely relate. Dealing with another person's extreme emotional sensitivities is very draining. I am wondering, since you posted on Improving if you are looking for ways to try to improve the situation or if you meant to post on another board like Conflicted?

I can picture myself in similar situations. I think one thing I would try is if he approached me when I was cooking and I was not able to deal with this kind of interruption because of being busy I would try to "book" another time with him for some affection. It is hard. I get it. He can't read my emotions very well/puts his emotions first/doesn't take what he perceives as "rejection" very well. Sigh. It is not easy. If I joke too much, meaning to be sweet, he thinks it is total joke and wants to play more. It can be hard to ever "do the right thing" to get the needed result - he gives me space to finish cooking/juggling stuff in the kitchen and doesn't get overly hurt.

Another idea I have is that if you talk with a therapist that you set out a (wonderful/important) principle that this site is built on - no run messages. I recently told that to a counselor up front because, I hear ya, once a therapist hears these kinds of stories they hint or outright say "run!"... .always! I think you need to set that with them up front - that you are looking for ways to improve and that leaving is not the discussion you want to be having. Improving and leaving really are two totally different discussions and not healthy for us (I think) to be juggling simultaneously. It is better to have one discussion going about one topic - leaving or staying. Or at least hold those discussions separately to give yourself a chance to explore them if you so choose. 

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Indiagirl,

Welcome ,

Sorry that you are feeling so hurt by your relationship. Stick around the site and you'll start to learn lots of new communication skills that can really help make things better.

I like pearlsw's thoughts on setting aside a time for him that he will have your undivided physical affection. But before that, it's important to begin to validate him before asking him to not hug you. (I get this. My H used to grope me all the time and I hated it!)

Validating might look something like this:

"I love it when you hug and touch me. It feels good to be in your arms. I'm trying to cook though and it's hard for me to move around when you're hugging me. After dinner can we spend some time snuggling on the couch?'

The first part of this statement, let's him know that you do care about him and that you are not rejecting him. The second part lets him know what you're struggling with and the lastly, you let him know it's important to be physically close and that you will make time with him a priority, just not at the moment. 

You're new to the site and learning some new ways of communicating might help make things better. I always think it's easier to begin working on improving first.  When I first came to this board, I was done with my relationship too, but then I started working on myself and practicing the tools, and I can honestly say I think things are going to be ok in my relationship now. If after time, you are still unsure, you can always switch boards.