Hello all,

Some of you have been kindly following my story. I've reached a point where I have liberated myself from the guilt and shame taken on-board over a 20yr relationship where uBPDw would accuse me of being abusive. I am comfortable with who I really am and what I'm about but somewhat floating in the wind still determined by the choices being made by uBPDw. uBPDw has called for a divorce and she has numerous flying monkeys advising her and believing her abuse rhetoric. I've made the conscious choice  that a 3 outcomes are managable... .fix (which would involve a bit of a miracle and I believe at this point a eureka moment on her behalf), remain (protecting my children from her erratic emotional behavior, living in a home I love, working on skills to improve my situation), split (seems most likely).

So, she has made contact with a legal mediation service which she found in a local magazine (felt a bit half-hearted but I have to accept it regardless as a move on her behalf), I reiterated that I didn't want this but would not stand in her way. I was informed of this on Saturday night. Last night (Sunday) she gets suspicious that my mother had set up some savings accounts for the kids, something that I made her aware of several months ago. She suggested that "what does your mum think I'm going to do, run off with all the money? As long as it's not a way of you siphoning off money!". I wasn't prepared and let myself down and JADE'd. I pointed out that she had done this for all the grandchildren, then pointed out that as part of the divorce process we have to do full financial disclosure with bank statements, pay slips and everything. I then intimated to her that it would be perfectly reasonable for my Mum not to trust her and that her behaviour hadn't induced trust in the last year or so. She was absolutely mortified and genuinely couldn't tally together how her behaviour such as having an emotional affair, constantly lying to me, withholding information, twisting the truth, gaslighting and warping historical facts is not trust inducing. NOW... .before you all go thinking, "hey, this guy needs to go and read up on BPD as this is a bit of a no-brainer that she wouldn't be able to realise this", I know, I know. I suppose I went fishing to see whether or not I could stimulate any sort of self reflection by her... .to tie up cause and effect in her head.

So the conversation progresses along the same lines of trust when she quizzes me about the suggestion that I now know everything about divorce all of a sudden when on Saturday she believed that I told her that I knew nothing about the divorce process. What I actually said to her was that I didn't know what the standard asset split was (which I don't as this isn't set in stone and is dependent on circumstances). I then JADE'd explaining what I did know and that any sensible person who was facing the threat of divorce would do their homework to prepare for the worst... .which leads us on to children. Again, she couldn't understand why a "flexible arrangement" would not work for me with the kids. She couldn't understand why I didn't trust her to adhere to any verbal framework and it would just be something she would take advantage of going forward. Although I wouldn't object to having the kids every weekend and would embrace the higher level of contact, it cannot be a situation where the arrangements for them are determined by her emotional state that week. It cannot be that the children are weaponised as and when her next relationship fails and she is looking for someone to blame for her emotional pain. Parental alienation is something I am acutely aware of since I have already experienced her trauma reenactment via the kids. I'm also aware that something legal in theory avoids the need for negotiation (impossible with uBPDw), or the need for being reliant on her carrying out anything she verbalises.

I know why from a traits perspective... .but it's so frustrating when someone has no ability to self reflect and even see why someone might want to protect themselves. I'm sure it's uncomfortable for her to hear, and I'm sure she can internally legitimize all of her deceit meaning these comments are just astounding to her. I'm torn since I want to sort things out butI know that these kind of interactions make that even less likely... .but I need to protect myself from our marriage disintegrating. I can't really play good cop and bad cop using the tools, I guess I could have just validated her and then allowed the mediation to do the rest. I've always been honest with her, never hidden my thoughts from her and always told her how it is... .which is probably how I've arrived at this juncture.

Rant over

Oh, no! I certainly hope that the letter is related to something else.

I've never been convinced that pwBPD traits don't understand cause and effect. I think that they are just unable to handle the intense emotions and utilize maladaptive coping mechanisms to avoid feeling the consequences of their actions.

The thing is, that when anyone is emotionally aroused, the ability to reason with them is greatly reduced. It is really helpful if we calm the situation and then use one of the communication techniques to give us the best chance at conveying what we want to say so as to be heard.

It may be very difficult for her to end the divorce process or look at her own emotional reactions. Remember, pwBPD traits tend to experience emotions far more intensely than others. Dealing with the shame of being wrong about the divorce, facing her friends, and looking at her emotional reactions may be overwhelming to her. I experienced this very thing when with my x when we first started to talk about reconciling.

Showing her consistently that you are strong and safe is a way to combat the situation. It has worked for others, and it worked for me until I decided that it was time to end things.

pwBPD find strength and safety attractive. They need that in their lives.

I agree with you that you have to stop rescuing her. One of the things that we tend to do is rescue them out of fear. We are afraid that they will rage, go silent, they will think that we've stopped loving them, or any number of other reasons. That fear holds us hostage and subject to their whims. It is a bad place to be; and you're right, it's draining.

As I'm sure that you're aware, monumental does not mean impossible. I can't remember, have you looked at understanding your role in the relationship?