We've been replaced of course and the financial bullying continues...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My story is like everyone else's... .I got into a relationship with someone who completely fabricated their entire being, personality, belief system, etc... .because he had none of that on his own. And I believed him. I wanted to. I had known him for a decade as friends but it was pretty superficial and I didn't know who he really was until we moved in together... .quickly of course, and he was the Knight in Shining Armour. I moved in with him and his two sons, and my two kids. The chemistry was off the charts, I was the best thing he'd ever had, he clicked with my kids and they hugged him, loved him, and we were all in this fantasy world of amazingness... .which lasted about a month... .when his demons started coming out.
He blamed stress of his divorce (we were both going through one, more or less to be together, though my marriage had been over for a long time already), and I gave him every excuse.
I had never encountered someone who acted like him... .and this is coming from someone whose first husband was bipolar... .this next guy was out of bounds moody, could turn like a rabid dog, said he "knew I would do this to him" and was completely obsessed with sex. If I "rejected" him... .after numerous times in one day... .he said there was something wrong with me, I hated sex, etc.
But I was stuck and I really felt like this guy was THE one... .he just needed time, less stress... .afterall, his ex was crazy and causing us total chaos, yaddayaddayadda, right? That damn chemistry, it was a mindf**k and a half, I tell ya. But you all know this, no doubt.

Fast forward through the years of hell... .porn addictions, food addictions, internet addictions, physically, emotional and financial abuse... .because at this point, I just can't rehash the stories I'm sure you have all lived... .I finally got the nerve to file for divorce.

We were together for 8 years... .and as of the date of separation, married for 6 years, 10 months. But I finally did it. I made him move out in June, and he went back and forth with the even wilder mood swings and crazy making for two months, begging for another chance... .and we went to therapy one last time... .with the 10th therapist. He went on another med (he had tried Prozac, Lexapro, then Lamictal) and he was no better. He again lied to the therapist and psychiatrist and couldn't keep his sh*t together... .so I knew this was it. And, within... .no joke... .12 hours of me telling him that yes, I am truly filing... .I got an email from our credit card asking "is this purchase yours?" It was a Match.com charge... .for like $160. So he immediately started the game all over again... .

Our kids... .we have none together but his oldest is now 19 and has cut his dad off and is staying with me indefinitely (I've been Mom since he was 11, his Dad's ex is out of the picture and his bio Mom is long gone... .yes, this kid has been put through Mommy-replacement hell but IIIIII am not going anywhere).
My two bio-kids are 15 and 18 and obviously staying with me.
The youngest, who is 9... .whom I have been MOM to since he was barely 2 and we had custody of him... .has been taken from us... .no remorse from his dad at all.
I tried to bargain with him about letting the 9 year old come stay with us while he was at work, which we did during the initial separation... .but he was using my 9 year old against me, refusing to pick him up until I talked to him, texted him back, the usual games.
The older kids and I had a serious talk and we came to the conclusion that we had to let the 9 year old go (hoping to find some way to keep in touch) in order to get away from the craziness and abuse.

He had abused us all... .I had no idea when I moved in that his oldest had been abused badly his whole life. I was able to stop that but then he turned on me and would periodically lash out all us all physically, emotionally, and we were completely controlled financially.
I had been a stay at home Mom when we got together, so I was his perfect victim... .dependent. He "wanted to take care of us."
After years of being in hell, I went back to school and I got my BA in Psychology despite him routinely keeping me up all night before tests, slamming computers, throwing my books, and reminding me "who's paying for this sh*t."

I started my first job SINCE 1998 in February of this year. Things escalated from there beyond anything in years passed. He told my daughter "I hope you go ing die, you ing little ___" after she told him to stop yelling at me... .stuff like that just escalated more and more as he felt his control of us slipping... .
Since I filed, he has systematically attempted to put all debt in my name, stopped paying for EVERYTHING... .the mortgage, solar city loan, car loans, and even removed us from his retirement beneficiaries. I have an attorney now but he is refusing to comply or do anything his atty (or court) is telling him to do.

I had gotten a restraining order but agreed to a "stay away" order instead, so he wouldn't lose his job... .so I would still get spousal support... .but it was like that kicked him into overdrive, like it fueled him even more... .and he went on a spree of spending, hiding money, and has defaulted on every debt we have or has tried to put them in my name.

I went out and got myself a car before he ruined my credit further... .and good thing because I tried getting a credit card and was declined.

He is a big, bad "Hero" Firefighter who thinks he is above the law and flat out told me he would ruin me if I ever left and that I "just ed myself and my kids" when he knew I was really, for real, filing this time.

I only make about $2000 a month... .he makes $14,000 a month.
And he just stopped paying for everything.
The mortgage and everything is about two months behind. I have been paying for all the food, utilities, Comcast after he canceled our account, the kids orthodontics, car insurance for 3 cars after he canceled that too... .and no one can seem to reign him in.

I want to stay in the house... .with negotiations for his retirement, and "when" I get spousal support, I could keep it... .BUT he has made sure it's too far behind for me to make up payments AND is ruining my credit so if we had to move, I can't rent anywhere. We also have 3 dogs and a two cats... .and who is going to rent to me IF I even qualified?

I'm ready to go to his Chief. My atty says NO don't do anything that will get him fired but my GAWD... .how do I let him keep doing this AND keep on his facade of public servant/hero when I know what a monster he is? The kids keep urging me to make a GoFundMe account. Yes, we are struggling that much... .and then... .

Earlier today while changing more of my passwords I happened across an account that accesses his backup storage for his UNION laptop... .
The password was the same and I was able to see all kinds of disgusting crap of other women, documents he never submitted to the court filled with absolutely crazy lies about me, my kids, my sister... .online searches for MY EX, and porn, porn, porn... .on his Union laptop.

There are pics of him traveling to another STATE to meet up with some stripper looking chick who has a BABY... .I was horrified. Pictures of them like they are a family! I JUST barely filed and BOOM, he can't be alone.
So, we have been replaced, which actually, isn't affecting me in a "hurt" kind of way... .just terrified that he lined up his next victims already. A little baby now too.
The videos this woman had sent him, that he's got on his union laptop though... .wow... .and she's interacting with him via text, and he's saying word-for-word crap he said to me. It's just all so GROSS and he is just so sick.

Does anyone have any suggestions?
Anyone dealt with a "public hero" type... .?
Do I go public with his abuse? God knows he would be in prison if I ever called the cops during one of his tirades but yeah, if he loses his job, I lose spousal support (not that he's complied with giving me any yet but it's court ordered... .). But he is following through with his threats of "ruining me"... .and how do I allow this to continue? How do we get by and deal with this stress? I've got us all in therapy but my gawd, this is just crazy. And he is off on match.com thinking he's all IN LOVE all over again... .(rolling eyes)... .

Any input is appreciated!

[findingpeace17]

My story is like everyone else's... .I got into a relationship with someone who completely fabricated their entire being, personality, belief system, etc... .because he had none of that on his own. And I believed him. I wanted to. I had known him for a decade as friends but it was pretty superficial and I didn't know who he really was until we moved in together... .quickly of course, and he was the Knight in Shining Armour. I moved in with him and his two sons, and my two kids. The chemistry was off the charts, I was the best thing he'd ever had, he clicked with my kids and they hugged him, loved him, and we were all in this fantasy world of amazingness... .which lasted about a month... .when his demons started coming out.
He blamed stress of his divorce (we were both going through one, more or less to be together, though my marriage had been over for a long time already), and I gave him every excuse.
I had never encountered someone who acted like him... .and this is coming from someone whose first husband was bipolar... .this next guy was out of bounds moody, could turn like a rabid dog, said he "knew I would do this to him" and was completely obsessed with sex. If I "rejected" him... .after numerous times in one day... .he said there was something wrong with me, I hated sex, etc.
But I was stuck and I really felt like this guy was THE one... .he just needed time, less stress... .afterall, his ex was crazy and causing us total chaos, yaddayaddayadda, right? That damn chemistry, it was a mindf**k and a half, I tell ya. But you all know this, no doubt.

Fast forward through the years of hell... .porn addictions, food addictions, internet addictions, physically, emotional and financial abuse... .because at this point, I just can't rehash the stories I'm sure you have all lived... .I finally got the nerve to file for divorce.

We were together for 8 years... .and as of the date of separation, married for 6 years, 10 months. But I finally did it. I made him move out in June, and he went back and forth with the even wilder mood swings and crazy making for two months, begging for another chance... .and we went to therapy one last time... .with the 10th therapist. He went on another med (he had tried Prozac, Lexapro, then Lamictal) and he was no better. He again lied to the therapist and psychiatrist and couldn't keep his sh*t together... .so I knew this was it. And, within... .no joke... .12 hours of me telling him that yes, I am truly filing... .I got an email from our credit card asking "is this purchase yours?" It was a Match.com charge... .for like $160. So he immediately started the game all over again... .

Our kids... .we have none together but his oldest is now 19 and has cut his dad off and is staying with me indefinitely (I've been Mom since he was 11, his Dad's ex is out of the picture and his bio Mom is long gone... .yes, this kid has been put through Mommy-replacement hell but IIIIII am not going anywhere).
My two bio-kids are 15 and 18 and obviously staying with me.
The youngest, who is 9... .whom I have been MOM to since he was barely 2 and we had custody of him... .has been taken from us... .no remorse from his dad at all.
I tried to bargain with him about letting the 9 year old come stay with us while he was at work, which we did during the initial separation... .but he was using my 9 year old against me, refusing to pick him up until I talked to him, texted him back, the usual games.
The older kids and I had a serious talk and we came to the conclusion that we had to let the 9 year old go (hoping to find some way to keep in touch) in order to get away from the craziness and abuse.

He had abused us all... .I had no idea when I moved in that his oldest had been abused badly his whole life. I was able to stop that but then he turned on me and would periodically lash out all us all physically, emotionally, and we were completely controlled financially.
I had been a stay at home Mom when we got together, so I was his perfect victim... .dependent. He "wanted to take care of us."
After years of being in hell, I went back to school and I got my BA in Psychology despite him routinely keeping me up all night before tests, slamming computers, throwing my books, and reminding me "who's paying for this sh*t."

I started my first job SINCE 1998 in February of this year. Things escalated from there beyond anything in years passed. He told my daughter "I hope you go ing die, you ing little ___" after she told him to stop yelling at me... .stuff like that just escalated more and more as he felt his control of us slipping... .
Since I filed, he has systematically attempted to put all debt in my name, stopped paying for EVERYTHING... .the mortgage, solar city loan, car loans, and even removed us from his retirement beneficiaries. I have an attorney now but he is refusing to comply or do anything his atty (or court) is telling him to do.

I had gotten a restraining order but agreed to a "stay away" order instead, so he wouldn't lose his job... .so I would still get spousal support... .but it was like that kicked him into overdrive, like it fueled him even more... .and he went on a spree of spending, hiding money, and has defaulted on every debt we have or has tried to put them in my name.

I went out and got myself a car before he ruined my credit further... .and good thing because I tried getting a credit card and was declined.

He is a big, bad "Hero" Firefighter who thinks he is above the law and flat out told me he would ruin me if I ever left and that I "just ed myself and my kids" when he knew I was really, for real, filing this time.

I only make about $2000 a month... .he makes $14,000 a month.
And he just stopped paying for everything.
The mortgage and everything is about two months behind. I have been paying for all the food, utilities, Comcast after he canceled our account, the kids orthodontics, car insurance for 3 cars after he canceled that too... .and no one can seem to reign him in.

I want to stay in the house... .with negotiations for his retirement, and "when" I get spousal support, I could keep it... .BUT he has made sure it's too far behind for me to make up payments AND is ruining my credit so if we had to move, I can't rent anywhere. We also have 3 dogs and a two cats... .and who is going to rent to me IF I even qualified?

I'm ready to go to his Chief. My atty says NO don't do anything that will get him fired but my GAWD... .how do I let him keep doing this AND keep on his facade of public servant/hero when I know what a monster he is? The kids keep urging me to make a GoFundMe account. Yes, we are struggling that much... .and then... .

Earlier today while changing more of my passwords I happened across an account that accesses his backup storage for his UNION laptop... .
The password was the same and I was able to see all kinds of disgusting crap of other women, documents he never submitted to the court filled with absolutely crazy lies about me, my kids, my sister... .online searches for MY EX, and porn, porn, porn... .on his Union laptop.

There are pics of him traveling to another STATE to meet up with some stripper looking chick who has a BABY... .I was horrified. Pictures of them like they are a family! I JUST barely filed and BOOM, he can't be alone.
So, we have been replaced, which actually, isn't affecting me in a "hurt" kind of way... .just terrified that he lined up his next victims already. A little baby now too.
The videos this woman had sent him, that he's got on his union laptop though... .wow... .and she's interacting with him via text, and he's saying word-for-word crap he said to me. It's just all so GROSS and he is just so sick.

Does anyone have any suggestions?
Anyone dealt with a "public hero" type... .?
Do I go public with his abuse? God knows he would be in prison if I ever called the cops during one of his tirades but yeah, if he loses his job, I lose spousal support (not that he's complied with giving me any yet but it's court ordered... .). But he is following through with his threats of "ruining me"... .and how do I allow this to continue? How do we get by and deal with this stress? I've got us all in therapy but my gawd, this is just crazy. And he is off on match.com thinking he's all IN LOVE all over again... .(rolling eyes)... .

Any input is appreciated!

[ForeverDad]

If he's not paying his court ordered spousal support then you and your lawyer will have to go back to court to get the order enforced.  Since he makes good money you can ask that he pay the back amounts while he's still before the judge.  None of this "give me more time."  (The court may allow his adult son to make a statement?)  Garnishment should work since he's unlikely to leave his job, it just takes time to get it started.

It's clear he is doing as much obstruction as possible.  Be careful not to appease him by Gifting Away any rights you have.  As bad as it is for him not paying the mortgage, you're not likely to be foreclosed on quickly.

You want to stay in the house, but can you afford the mortgage and other associated expenses once the divorce is completed?  If you can't then probably best to adjust your mindset (perspective) to that reality.  During the divorce I believe he will be required by the court to continue payments as he did before but since the marriage wasn't a long one, you will probably only get limited alimony, probably no more than 3-4 years.  (I'm not sure but I think alimony calcs included the time spent in the divorce process, not just the pre-separation time.  I separated after 16 years but ex draged things out for two years and so the lawyers calculated my alimony based on the full 18 years.)

An important warning... .Likely part of his extinction bursts (obstructions and verbal/emotional attacks) are intended to make you retreat, give up or let go of some of your rights and normal outcomes.  Depend on your lawyer, and us here too in peer support, to help you stand firm for what is important.  Sadly, Gifting Away your rights or what the court may see as your portion of marital equity, etc, won't make him behave any better.  In fact, it may even enable him to feel entitled to demand even more.

[findingpeace17]

ForeverDad, thank you for your reply.

We just got the wage garnishment filed so it will hopefully attach to his last check of this month or next (ugh). I've asked my atty if we can schedule a hearing so the judge can see this for himself... .that my ex is doing exactly what I said he would, and what he promised to do... ."ruin me." No word back about that yet. Jeeez.
I have two letters, one from "his" adult son and one from mine stating all the abuse, threats, etc. which was already filed with the court... .didn't seem to do much. His (my) son is SO disgusted by everything. I've assured him that he is my son, he is always welcome with me, and we've discussed me adopting him after all this nonsense is over. Long story short... .his bio mom left him with his dad when he was less than a year old (no one knows why but um, maybe because his dad is CRAZY?), then his dad married a woman who is just awful (who abused him and lost custody of him years ago during his dad's last divorce... .) and she had adopted him... .now he has me. Three moms in 10 years. But I'm it, I'm Mom, and nothing will change that.

You are totally right about the gifting away... .he pretty much did that after he got the stay away order instead of the restraining order... .like it fueled more madness and like you said, made him feel entitled to demand even more. He submitted all this crazy paperwork about our assets demanding me to pay them and listed furniture valued at seriously 3-10 times more than we bought them for 6 years ago. It's all just so bizarre.

I could afford the house and most of our bills, with spousal support... .which I "should" get for about 3 years 5 months. By then I should for sure be hired on fulltime (I work for county mental health P/T... .ironic, right?) and have benefits to support the kids. The two older boys know they are going to have to pitch in... .the 19 year old already is and my 18 year old is trying to find a job. We're in CA and it's so weird... .no one will hire kids in high school, but once they're out of high school, they can't get hired because they have no experience... .what a disservice to society!

But I digress... .

I have been reading through posts... .yeah, wow, lots of cookie cutter stories here... .we were all with the same person and it's really scary.

[ForeverDad]

Long story short... .his bio mom left him with his dad when he was less than a year old (no one knows why but um, maybe because his dad is CRAZY?), then his dad married a woman who is just awful (who abused him and lost custody of him years ago during his dad's last divorce... .) and she had adopted him... .now he has me. Three moms in 10 years. But I'm it, I'm Mom, and nothing will change that.

Understand that when pwBPD recount their prior relationships they will almost always claim their ex's were abusive and horrible.  That's part of the Blaming and Blame Shifting perceptions, they can't or won't accept any of the blame for the end of those relationships.  That's also why you're likely to be cast as an abusive person too.

He submitted all this crazy paperwork about our assets demanding me to pay them and listed furniture valued at seriously 3-10 times more than we bought them for 6 years ago.

Oh goody.  You tell him he gets the overvalued furniture and that you want your half of the marital assets with his claimed value.

David, one of our members here, recounts how his ex overvalued everything — and took it all with her when she stripped the house bare — so all he had to do was prove she still had them and ask for his half of her claimed valuations.  Their backpedaling was immediate.

[toomanydogs]

Aarrgghh. I haven't been on here in a while. I'm still reeling emotionally from my divorce situation.

I read through these posts and wonder how in the world we all ended up with the same person. My soon to be ex is not a "hero." He can't hold it together long enough.

But boy the porn, the rages, the blaming--all the same. I've had 10 years of this. The hope that he's getting better, buckling down, doing the work so he can have a better life, then blam. It's gone. Ten years. And, why, someone tell me why I'm not jumping up and down with joy.

This man was and is MEAN. He video taped himself going after my elderly dog. A dog who may have a year left. What kind of person does that?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to take over this thread. I just can't get over the fact that people with BPD (and I suspect other PD with my H) are so much alike.

Bad enough that there's one of my H. Good night,
TMD