Loving Husband Going Insane

[A&W31989]

Good Evening, I'm Andrew, I'm a loving husband who's wife has BPD. I always knew she was "Fiery" which was why I fell for her HARD! She is my dream girl. But recently we finally got the diagnosis of BPD. She has no insurance, and my job doesn't provide it... .so... .its ALL OUT OF POCKET.

I have a therapist for myself, and she said that a group therapy would be helpful. I was reading many blogs, and websites, and watching EVERY video on the subject, trying to get a better grasp on the whole situation. Unfortunately it doesn't mean anything. It doesnt change, my pain, my frustration and thus my anger. It feels like NO ONE HAS A CLUE how hard it is. But I have read stories of Guys staying with their wives 15+, 30+ years. I have no idea how they do it. I'm amazed. I just don't get it "ya know". Like you look at them and scream "WHAT THE F#$% IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHY CANT YOU BE NORMAL?". And as I have learned, that and this experience is F-O-R-E-V-E-R.

The bright side is the new doctor has a 3 prong approach. Medicine (HEAVY DOSES), Therapy , and Group interaction. She doesnt work because of green card issues, and it ALL FALLS TO MY SHOULDERS. I try to pretend that its ok, but reality is, $3,000 monthly just to her living and doctors before I use a single cent, and the pressure of trying NOT to upset her, and just my life; I need a vacation. I wish someone got it "ya know". I wish someone would say, ya I've been there, it will be hard but it does get better. The people around me have no idea what Hell I live in. I've lost "the appetite" for almost everything, and I'm in my late 20's, SERIOUSLY What the heck!

The other day, I was picking up groceries and someone just rubbed me the wrong way. I'm always on edge. I don't want to ramble on, I just wanted to get this off my chest. I want to see the girl I fell for again. The beautiful, strong, confident woman that made my jaw drop the night I met her. That girl; who's kiss made my head spin the first time. I miss her so so much. So if anybody out there is in my chair too, just want to let you know, I'm pouring you a drink too. I feel your pain, and this triple of scotch is for you.


Oh btw : F#$% Psychs, and F#$% Pharma - $600 per hour, and $1,200 Vraylar! And you wonder why WE THE PEOPLE are rioting?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[AskingWhy]

Andrew, welcome to BPD Family.  I am glad you are here and starting to put the pieces together.  At least you have a firm professional diagnosis to begin your journey.

Being on edge ("walking on eggshells" is a common feeling for partners of pwBPD.  Your financial burdens also put you on edge as you are resentful of these expenses.

pwBPD are often like two people, hence the "Jekyll and Hyde" aspect of them.  You love the kind "Jekyll" side of your wife while upset, hurt and confused by the "Hyde" part of her.

It's also good you are in therapy for yourself as coping with the pwBPD can be uncertain and you need a reality check.

I am again glad you came here because many of us have been in your shoes with a BPD spouse.   You need to take a break, if only in your own mind to back off from the drama that is around you.

Here are some videos and articles that might be of help for you to start here:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/Dr-Jekyll-and-Mr-Hyde

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0

[polaris9]

Andrew - you do have one thing going for you - your wife is accepting treatment so hopefully she will start to improve soon and you can work your way through this, although it can be very expensive.

For many of us, including me, our pwBPD do not have the self-awareness to realize that something is wrong with them.  We just wish we were at the stage where we were worrying about the cost of therapy, medication, etc.

[A&W31989]

Thank you for the warm welcome. "Asking", you are right in the fact she doesn't realize whats going on. It honestly is the weirdest thing, its like 2 people living with me.  I do truly love the Jekyll, and want to scream at Hyde. I have to say it is comforting knowing that there others out there who are dealing with what I am experiencing. And Polaris, maybe use a recording, so she can see what they are doing. I did when I tried to explain to my therapist.

The hardest thing is the "literal" aspect of the mental condition. The (Black / White) case. When I try to explain, or turn the argument its an "all or nothing" mentality. "So you never want to talk, or do that or this". Or when I know my anger limit and walk away, she follows because she can't ration that this is not a life or death situation that "NEEDS" to be addressed.  It bubbles and boils till the point where foaming at the mouth and screaming my head off.

I know its not her fault, I know she can't control it. I'd GLADLY take it for her, gladly take on her pain. I got her a puppy after the therapist suggested it. Apollo is 8 weeks on Tues the 10th. The Doc. said that a puppy forces her to take responsibility, and also allows her the chance to nurture for something. Besides the distracting aspect, it also gets her out of bed EVERY morning to walk him, and feed him. So that has been a big step forward. She is so much calmer while this little monster (tears and chews on everything and everything) sleeps and naps. So that may be an idea for some of you guys. I'll keep you all posted on the the "Vraylar 3mg", maybe it will be something for you to look at. Or if you already have experience with it, I'd love to know more.

[AskingWhy]

Animals have a wonder way of healing, as they can be almost empathic.  Dogs are wonderful therapy in place of drugs!

Adopting a puppy, though, may not have been the best advice from a therapist.  Adopting a puppy is not like taking a sedative.  A puppy is a living creature and a lifelong commitment.  Are you willing to accept this innocent creature for his entire life--which might be more than 13 years?  He will need medical care, other expenses, and he will need compassion and care as he ages?  Are you willing to make this commitment to him?

I thoroughly disagree with the therapist on this, but if the puppy gives your wife a focus and helps her come out of herself in a positive way, it's a good thing.

Do not, however, discard/dump the puppy once the "cure" has taken affect or the novelty wears off.  It's not fair to him.  When you adopted him you were promising him a home for life.  There are numerous dog rescues who have taken in dogs bought for a purpose (daughter/son/wife got tired or him, daughter wanted a little toy dog and is now in college, no one was caring for him and he was thrown into the backyard so we decided to give him up, etc.) 

Please don't be one of those people who dump a dog at the pound after the novelty wears off.  (If you must relinquish him, please do so with a reputable dog rescue and NOT on Craig's List where psychopaths look for "free to good home" dogs.)

I know that was OT but I had to say it.

On the BPD side of things, please let us know if communications skills are working.  You might also consider counseling for yourself.

[Skip]

Oh btw : F#$% Psychs, and F#$% Pharma - $600 per hour, and $1,200 Vraylar! And you wonder why WE THE PEOPLE are rioting?

I'm so glad I didn't make your list.

Apollo should be good for both of you. You know the difference between a bad dog and a good one?  The owner.   

Dogs respond very well to love, empathy, validation, positive reinforcement, strength (not power and intimidation, rather admiration and leadership), structure, and cookies.

Just like people.

Seriously, dog are a good laboratory for developing people skills.

[A&W31989]

Thanks for the advise "Asking". Apollo and my wife, are doing great actually. 9 weeks and 12 pounds, this boy can EAT. Actually things are somewhat improving and yes I do actually see my therapist for my own stuff.

Apollo is actually good for me too. I lost Kody my Sheppard a couple years ago, and I knew it was time for me too.

[GaGrl]

The discipline of a puppy training course could be wonderful! Highly recommended.

[pearlsw]

More puppies around here, eh? As someone who has had a lot of dogs over the years I would recommend crate training. It gives the dogs a sense of security that can help cut down on chewing up all your stuff. When you are with them you can keep an eye out and give 'em chew toys, etc. and lots of love & attention but if they are alone and anxious... .well, you don't wanna come home to no more shoes! (That is where the crate comes in.) I also did puppy training and then later tried special training - just me and my black lab/blue heeler little lovey! I figured if was gonna be overeducated so would he.  Things are hard, I know! But it sounds like you are doing a lot here to make things better. I am hoping things will improve - I know from experience just working on my side of things made a big difference.

Wishing you peace!

[waverider]

Going back to a point you raised. The old wife, full of live who meshed with you completely. You have to let this go. This was a false persona. Not so much fake/scamming you, but simply she was reflecting you, what you wanted, and playing the personality she wanted to be. Unfortunately as it didn't come from her core self but rather based on you (thats why you bond quick with pwBPD) it doesn't have real substance and so can't be maintained, developed or even authentically revisited.

As partners we waste much time an energy trying to drag this persona back onto the stage. We need to learn more about what we are really dealing with and change ourselves so that we can work with it, as we are the only ones we can control changes in.

Putting your life on hold waiting for someone else to change simply wastes away your own life. Ask yourself "How can i work with this and maintain a quality of life?". The goal is to thrive, not just survive.

[A&W31989]

Ok... .not going to lie "Wave" that umm... .kinda hit little low. Not saying you did it intentionally but... .still knocked the wind out of the sails.

Ok, going off what your saying " This was a false persona. Not so much fake/scamming you, but simply she was reflecting you, what you wanted, and playing the personality she wanted to be" Then what would be your analysis on what her "Real" personality is. And as you also said "As partners we waste much time an energy trying to drag this persona back onto the stage. We need to learn more about what we are really dealing with and change ourselves so that we can work with it, as we are the only ones we can control changes in. So wouldn't that mean she has the possibility of changing? From what I can read, watch on lectures and gather from other groups, is pwBPD really have a metamorphic persona, not solidified with rational, cognitive view points of area damage of their actions and intentions. In layman terms... .its almost malleable.

Look, I'm not looking to get hot and bothered, I do that well enough siting still, I'm just a guy, who loves his wife who is trying to figure out how not to go bat$%&$ crazy with the ups, and the downs, the paranoia, the bouts of depression, and somehow make it out of all of this one day somewhat sane.

As far as I'm concerned in life; there are a rare select few who find TRUE contentment and True Happiness. For the rest of us, we put up with idiots and stuck up bosses who have us do Their bidding for measly salaries and then expect us to have a smile on our faces and say "Thank you kindly Ma'am or Sir". We put up with it, because in reality there may not be a lot of choices and opportunities for a change in fate let alone direction. And how you may ask do these people do it? "FAKE IT", I do; E-V-E-R-Y DAY! I fake being happy, I fake contentment in my job, I fake satisfaction in the things around me. I fake hope that my best friend, my love, the woman I married will get better. Truth (maybe yes, maybe no). But I STILL FAKE IT. I come from 4 generations of marines, who taught me pain tolerance, determination. That has gotten me through 2 Ivy League degrees, and landed me under idiot who couldn't find his way out of a paper bag if the top was cut open! But I grit, and smile and hum the marine hymm and CARRY ON!

So... .if she was faking fine. Whatever, it was an impressive, and wonderful lie. And if need be we both live it. I love this woman, I love her with all that I am. And I will NEVER give up on her. She never stopped believing I could pass my struggles, and I'm not let her down. I understand the goal is to thrive, but step 1.) behind enemy lines, is to fortify your position, establish communications, and then devise an offensive strategy.

To the notes about Apollo, yes the chomp monster starts puppy school this week, and my wife is excited. This will be a nice opportunity to go out and socialize and be around other dog owners. She seems to be in better spirits. Although she is very nauseous with Vraylar. She gets the feeling about 20 minutes after taking it, regardless of empty stomach or not, and then it lasts about an hour and then headaches. Dr. says she should have the sensations diminish with the week. Lets see

[waverider]

So... .if she was faking fine. Whatever, it was an impressive, and wonderful lie. And if need be we both live it. I love this woman, I love her with all that I am. And I will NEVER give up on her. She never stopped believing I could pass my struggles, and I'm not let her down. I understand the goal is to thrive, but step 1.) behind enemy lines, is to fortify your position, establish communications, and then devise an offensive strategy.

This is the uniqueness of BPD, they are not "faking it" they believe it, it is who they want to be and are trying to be. The driving triggers are simply not coming from within, so it cant be maintained. This is why they often feel like failures.

Are they malleable? yes, just like a rock can move when pushed, but it is not self driven, and so stops when not being driven.  This is why it is important to help them find themselves rather than trying recreate what once was. 

You are correct there are steps and consolidating where you are at is the first step. It is what we call stop making things worse before you can start making them better. In effect you have to retrain and develop new skills to better handle an environment which you were not prepared for. The terrain has changed.

Its not about giving up its about modifying your end goals and tactics, rather than stubbornly shooting for plan A.

One thing to keep in mind is that you will hear a lot of generalised statements which sound famiiar but dont loose touch with the fact that everyone is an individual so you have to asses these opinions in that light.

[A&W31989]

Its so d@nm hard. It really is. I wake up hoping today not for a "good" day, but a day where I don't step on a land mine. I guess it has improved a little, but you always are on edge. And I KNOW I need to learn to relax, and let it roll of me; because if I'm always on edge, I snap and that is a MAJOR trigger, and then we are right back at it again. l sometimes feel like the inmates are running the asylum.

On positive fronts, she is signed up for Yoga / meditation in the mornings, she's started mauy thai and THANKFULLY that has taken some excess energy out. She is sleeping a lot better NATURALLY, with out the help of medication. So to me that's going up on the score board. She has mentioned going back for an MBA with the time she is taken off. I'm not 100% sure she is ready. I'm not saying she isn't capable... .I just don't she is ready to be thrown into a stress / competitive arena where "judging" or grades are involved. I think she still needs a safe harbor right now. I don't know I'm no MD. If anyone has a thought on this please I'm ALL EARS.

Oh, and maybe I'll leave this one on a good personal note*. Last night she looked at me like the way she did on our third date. There was almost a sparkle there, that cute mischievous smirk. Its been a while since I have seen that look. So, somewhere buried is my girl, I'll just have to keep digging to find her. Its made me feel a little lighter, and happier this morning. So, "wave" just for today, don't take that from me; I don't give #$%^ if its real or fake. Let me just enjoy this one.   

[Tattered Heart]

Oh, and maybe I'll leave this one on a good personal note*. Last night she looked at me like the way she did on our third date. There was almost a sparkle there, that cute mischievous smirk. Its been a while since I have seen that look. So, somewhere buried is my girl, I'll just have to keep digging to find her. Its made me feel a little lighter, and happier this morning. So, "wave" just for today, don't take that from me; I don't give #$%^ if its real or fake. Let me just enjoy this one.   

I would say by all means enjoy those moments.

Just understand that it's not healthy for your emotions to be swayed so quickly one way or the other by her emotions. And that's where this board can help you. Are you ready to start making small changes in you so that whether she gives you a cute smirk or an angry face you can continue content in your own life, not being a victim who is thrown about by the winds of her emotions?

[isilme]

The puppy can be good - I've noticed that H does MUCH better with a daily regimen.  When he has lots of time off from work, his sleep gets messed up, his eating schedule is off - and his emotions do a nose dive.  When he follows a schedule (he hates that word), he does much better, and a puppy can help remind your wife to stay on schedule.  Sadly, he may become an issue of contention once the "new" wears off and he is more work than a novelty - so be on the watch for that.  He IS a responsibility, and BPD often goes hand in hand with poor management of responsibility, and you don't want the puppy care to all land on you - she needs to continue to take care of him, even once he's grown, but this rests with YOU to be sure to not pick up the slack (unless the dog faces injury or harm from neglect) so she has no way to offload the task, negating all of the intended benefit.

H loves our cats - he is just as attached to our surrogate "children" as I am.  He will give them treats, try to make sure they are safe and comfy, and mourn them as badly as I do when one passes over the rainbow bridge  , but has an expectation they will snuggle when HE wants and forgets they are living beings with needs and wants of their own.  Vet care, litter changes, checking daily on the auto feeder and water levels is my job - he would forget if I was not there. 

I also have to second that any acknowledgment by the pwBPD that they contribute to the issues in their lives is HUGE.  Many never reach that epiphany, others like my H may realize they are part of the problem, and others never hit that at all.

[A&W31989]

Thanks "Tattered, isilme"; I always appreciate the feed back. To your point "tattered", I am, I am ready and willing to make the changes in myself. Its a raw deal to tailor myself to this new situation. I know it won't be easy, but if yields more of those looks from her... .definitely!

"islime" don't worry, we already had the first round or arguments about responsibility. She is actually towing the line. I keep an eye out; making sure there is plenty of fresh water, and food. I know I may be little "TOO" drill sgt. but... .the puppy deserves a good home. The "honey moon" phases is totally d-o-n-e. 1 pair of red heels, 1 sweater hanging off a chair, I forget how many nights crying, and oh a biting habit that bitter apple, and "NO" is not affective too. We are bringing him to pup school over the weekend. And not a moment too soon.

But "islime" I'm sure its an "experience" for you too. I too find when V' has free time, its like the old saying "idle hands are the Devil's workshop". She has nothing to hold on to, and I guess determine what is real and what is not, what is necessary and what isn't, and just... .anything.

I would like to Pose a question : "For those of you who have made it, and worked through the 5 years, 10 years, 15, 20, even maybe 30 years; HOW DID YOU DO IT"? I'm not saying I couldn't, I would just like to hear some inspiration if you'd be willing to share.

Oh and 1 last thing. THANK YOU everyone for reading my story, and being here while I go through this. IT REALLY MEANS ALOT to me that you all are willing to take some time, read and maybe reply. It really means a lot to me. So Thank you.

[waverider]

Always enjoy the moment when you can. It is all real, even a false persona is the product of someone really trying, it is just not consistent. So take the now for being the now rather than over projecting it as a new restart.

I think you are in a good place to get somewhere together with this, its just a matter of discovering what that looks like going forward. BPD always comes with dysfunction, but not all dysfunction is untenable. Learning to work around it and not getting trapped within it is the challenge.

Competitive activities can give a focus but they are always skirting close to severe invalidation and stress when things dont match hopes.

Good luck, we know what you are dealing with,

[A&W31989]

GREAT NEWS. There is a voucher for Vraylar ! it cuts the price by 99.8785 % down to $15. So thats  a big relief. Also, she feels great! Her paranoia is down I'd say by half, aggression is down, and her panic attacks are diminished as well. More importantly on day 8 this morning she is no longer suffering from Nausea and headaches. She says "her head isn't screaming at her". So... .thats a huge step for us.