In need of some support for an anxiety suffer dealing with a S.O's uBPDex

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all,

I previously posted a super lengthy email that is more like a novel than a post. But I wanted to post again to say I'm new and what I really really need is some words of support and possibly some pearls of wisdom from a community that understands. I'm a grad student from a working class Midwestern family and all my favorite people around me just seem to "not want to hear it." Which I get. I mean I don't want to hear it as well, but I have to live it.

Background: My partner has an awesome son from a "one night stand". She has been diagnosed but not treated in the past for bi-polar disorder and recently with BPD but she refuses to acknowledge she is ill or seek help. We get almost daily ranty emails and she is unpredictable with her mood and the decisions she makes regarding parenting time (she has primary physical custody and moved out of town last summer. She now refuses any extra parenting time other than every other weekend which is mandated from the court order. And is not allowing us to have him on our scheduled holidays unless it is convenient for her. She claims the distance is too great for her to travel for holidays and the court order does not spell out holidays.) My friends and other family members often tell me "It is not that bad. At least she is not doing drugs in front of the kid." It just warps my sense of reality and I end up feeling crazy from lack of validation that her behavior is not normal.

Right  now I'm in the final stages of getting my PhD and needless to say I'm stressed with exams and deadlines and the endless need to publish. The problem is I have anxiety that I have been treating with counseling and EMDR (as well as with exercise and meditation.) The problem is when I get really stressed, it seems almost impossible to stop thinking or trying to predict what next crazy thing is going to happen. I worry. So so much worry. The usual tricks of yoga and therapy are not working. I know cognitively that I cannot predict the next crazy thing to happen. I know that I need to focus on being productive. But honestly it just takes over. I should also mention I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, which I think heightens the anxiety I feel for my step son and his safety.

So any advice from other anxiety suffers on how to quiet the mind so you can live your life? I just want to feel centered again.

[MidwestNative]

Hi all,

I previously posted a super lengthy email that is more like a novel than a post. But I wanted to post again to say I'm new and what I really really need is some words of support and possibly some pearls of wisdom from a community that understands. I'm a grad student from a working class Midwestern family and all my favorite people around me just seem to "not want to hear it." Which I get. I mean I don't want to hear it as well, but I have to live it.

Background: My partner has an awesome son from a "one night stand". She has been diagnosed but not treated in the past for bi-polar disorder and recently with BPD but she refuses to acknowledge she is ill or seek help. We get almost daily ranty emails and she is unpredictable with her mood and the decisions she makes regarding parenting time (she has primary physical custody and moved out of town last summer. She now refuses any extra parenting time other than every other weekend which is mandated from the court order. And is not allowing us to have him on our scheduled holidays unless it is convenient for her. She claims the distance is too great for her to travel for holidays and the court order does not spell out holidays.) My friends and other family members often tell me "It is not that bad. At least she is not doing drugs in front of the kid." It just warps my sense of reality and I end up feeling crazy from lack of validation that her behavior is not normal.

Right  now I'm in the final stages of getting my PhD and needless to say I'm stressed with exams and deadlines and the endless need to publish. The problem is I have anxiety that I have been treating with counseling and EMDR (as well as with exercise and meditation.) The problem is when I get really stressed, it seems almost impossible to stop thinking or trying to predict what next crazy thing is going to happen. I worry. So so much worry. The usual tricks of yoga and therapy are not working. I know cognitively that I cannot predict the next crazy thing to happen. I know that I need to focus on being productive. But honestly it just takes over. I should also mention I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, which I think heightens the anxiety I feel for my step son and his safety.

So any advice from other anxiety suffers on how to quiet the mind so you can live your life? I just want to feel centered again.

[livednlearned]

Hi MidwestNative,

I feel your pain

Finishing a Phd is demanding, even under the best of circumstances. To have this hanging over your head at the same time, with a traumatic history of your own -- it's no wonder you are feeling triggered and having a hard time concentrating.

Bill Eddy says that BPD sufferers are not just difficult people, they are the most difficult people. Regular laypeople will not be able to validate your experience because you have to live it to understand it. One of the things my experience taught me is that friends want to be friends, they don't want to be our therapist. I had to learn to compartmentalize and share war stories with people who understood, otherwise, like you say, it can start to feel invalidating.

The level of anxiety you describe is taking a toll on your emotional and mental well-being. I worked on my Phd while going through a divorce with my bipolar/uBPD ex and a high-conflict custody battle. Slightly different than what you describe, but I understand the stress. I also understand the Phd mentality, where you feel the need to tough things out in a culture where it can be hard to admit how hard things really are.

Unfortunately, you won't be able to help your partner if you are treading water like this, and he may even feel like he has to take care of you in addition to his son. Would you consider talking to someone in your program, and even deferring for a year if it's a possibility? I know funding can sometimes make that tricky. Or, at the very least, telling your chair that you have a family emergency, and need to think creatively about how to hit your milestones in a way that doesn't jeopardize your standing in the program? If your chair is not a good person to talk to, is there someone in your school or program who is known for being empathetic, who might be able to point out creative solutions that give you some room to breathe?

I look back on how stressful things were, when everything felt so... .non-negotiable, and see that I had a lot more agency than I thought I did. But when you're stressed, it can be hard to think without a lot of warping and distorting, not to mention some rigidity (and catastrophizing... .my personal favorite).

You're doing all the right things: yoga, meditation, EMDR, counseling.  

About the ranty emails -- when I was at the peak of my stress, I had a friend screen these for me, and tell me whether I needed to respond. That's one possibility.

With a BPD coparent, the court order stuff is hard because you have to be the one enforcing it. And to do that, you need time and money and energy. If all of those are limited right now, then the best you may be able to do is document her obstruction and stonewalling for when you have to file motions for contempt of court. In family law court, these tend to stack up like parking tickets, but a string of those behaviors does tell the court that the primary parent is not acting in the best interests of the child.

How is your partner doing in all of this? Is he also in a graduate program?

[MidwestNative]

Thank you so much for your reply LivednLearned! It is silly but it just feels good to know someone else has been there particularly with balancing grad school and personal issues! It just feels like such a different beast sometimes.

You are right that funding is difficult to say the least. I know this is grad school/ scholar mentality but I just don't want personal issues to interfere with what thus far has been a pretty successful beginning to a career. I'm a big 10 public university and "pauses" usually mean and end of a career before it starts. Also I'm two weeks out from taking my comps which have been way to much prep work to quit now

Regular laypeople will not be able to validate your experience because you have to live it to understand it. One of the things my experience taught me is that friends want to be friends, they don't want to be our therapist. I had to learn to compartmentalize and share war stories with people who understood, otherwise, like you say, it can start to feel invalidating.

I totally get this! Which is why I have my own therapist! I'm wondering how you chose to respond when people specifically ask about what was going on with your ex? My friends obviously care about me and want to hear about my life including the struggles. I usually am a very open person but I just have found myself closing down because I don't know what people can and cannot handle. And because I hate that awful, "oh it can't be that bad" response when the event I just told them about was the watered down, "clean" version of what happened.  Like two years ago my friends and I were just silly grad students drinking cheap beer and flirting with boys and now "suddenly" I'm a step mom dealing with some very intense and real issues. I find myself often listening to hours of stories of Tinder date "horrors" and then lying and saying "everything is fine" in life. Did you ever find that you just had to distance yourself from former friends? What about family members who don't believe that it is that bad? Did you just stop telling them things? How did you maintain an honest connection with people while not disclosing these intense experiences?

As for my very awesome and handsome partner, he is luckily not a grad student but works at the university with a fairly flexible schedule and pretty understanding boss. We talk a lot about issues and how to better deal with them in the future (trying to utilize better boundaries, using JADE and BIFF techniques.) We are very supportive of each other and luckily really on the same page with most stuff. Honestly though, he says he is better at dealing with the unpredicability (and I believe him) because he's been dealing with it for 3 plus years. He said eventually he just got to a point where he accepted it, accepted the past mistakes, and tried to move forward. He says I have helped him realize that he is "worth" something again. He felt so dehumanized in the court system, like he was just a financial source and not a father. He has on and off gone to therapy but finds that he just really wants to move forward. Before he felt like he would never be a real "dad," but that I have helped him be more confident and just enjoy time with this son. In turn, he has helped me really be open and vulnerable and love more than I thought possible. Our family time feels amazing.

I do tend to "catastrophize," which I'm working on. Just because I experienced sexual abuse as a kid doesn't mean my SS will. I've been trying to not catastrophize in front of my partner because I know it is not real but I'm not sure who to talk through these fears with. Maybe a therapist? Who is really the right audience?  Recently I will say my partner has really stepped up, doing the dishes, cooking or picking up dinner, and in general attempting to shield me from some of the chaos while I finish my exams. But this weekend we have little one and he clearly had a bad week; he really needed a lot of extra cuddles tonight, kept referring to himself as a baby and wanting to be held (which of course we are more than happy to oblige him in and get some extra cuddles in), and has bunch of bug/flea bites that he has scratched off and are now infected which required some careful cleaning and healing kisses after. It is hard to not want to drop everything and just spend the next precious 48 hours giving him unconditional love.

I know it may not be the healthiest thing but I strongly feel the need to push through the next exam process. Because I'm not sure when the chaos will stop. Before it was constant daycare changes, job changes, demanding more money, and then the move, months of instability, and now endless parenting time debates and hygiene issues. I feel like no matter what there is going to be "drama." I don't want to put my life on hold. We don't want to put our lives on  hold.

Again thank you so so much for replying. It makes me just feel not so alone that someone else attempted to do grad school with the pressure of a BPD co-parent. Any suggestion for how to get support from others/ validate yourself so that you can support your partner would be awesome!

[livednlearned]

Did you ever find that you just had to distance yourself from former friends? What about family members who don't believe that it is that bad? Did you just stop telling them things? How did you maintain an honest connection with people while not disclosing these intense experiences?

Some friends I didn't keep, and we grew apart, and that's ok. Families member are a different story   and most of my relationships are strained. However, where some relationships became strained, others became amazing. I suspect it's the same with any crisis. There are people who lean in when you're in crisis and don't seem to be phased by it, and make everything better.

One thing that might help is to be clear what you want from them, if anything, "I have people helping with this and we're getting good advice, but the latest is this... ." Then move onto their lives if they are people who have limits to what they can offer.

But this weekend we have little one and he clearly had a bad week; he really needed a lot of extra cuddles tonight, kept referring to himself as a baby and wanting to be held (which of course we are more than happy to oblige him in and get some extra cuddles in)

I wonder if his BPD mom is infantalizing him  There is a subset of BPD sufferers who seem to do this. They don't want the child to individuate and become independent, because that will be experienced like an abandonment. Your SS may need, more than anything, people who see that he will still receive love and affection when he accomplishes things. I don't know... .just a hunch.

I know it may not be the healthiest thing but I strongly feel the need to push through the next exam process. Because I'm not sure when the chaos will stop.

That sounds like a good plan. I did the same. Although, for some reason, knowing that I had the option to defer and take care of myself helped calm the anxiety, at least enough that I could focus. Weirdly, my career blossomed when the rest of my life tanked.   and I also had a wonderful committee. I did learn some skills from my therapist, like learning to take care of myself in small ways. There were a couple of meetings with my chair when I came in and said, "I know we arranged today to discuss x. I don't have x prepared -- I think it will be two weeks before I have it completed. But I wanted to come today anyway because I need the routine, and have a question about this other thing." Basically, I care about myself and I think you should too. 

If you do hit a super rough patch, it's ok to tell someone that you have a family emergency. You don't have to go into the details, just tell them that you are in the midst of a family emergency that involves a young child, and let their imaginations fill in the blanks. Then tell them what you need. "I can hit x milestone, but I need to change the dates from this to that. I'm in the middle of a family emergency and can't live with myself if I don't take some time to focus on that." And I learned to ask for suggestions. I'm at a public ivy and my chair literally wrote the book on methods for our field, so it was hard to tell her I needed a lot of help with one of my methods, and did she know anyone I could meet with to discuss the methods. It's easier to talk to peers about this stuff, for me. And she ended up connecting me to someone who made a world of difference.

Small things like that can make you feel like you have some control over your life 

Any suggestion for how to get support from others/ validate yourself so that you can support your partner

He sounds like a great guy 

Make sure you don't let the drama take over your relationship completely. Maybe set aside times where you discuss the drama, or start the conversation with a sense of how much time you'll spend on it, for now.

My SO has a uBPDx, and an adult daughter who is bipolar with BPD traits (my ex is no longer in our lives), and we made a pact to not discuss "new normal" drama after 8pm. There have been some crises that needed immediate attention, but for the most part we've been able to limit how much we talk about her. And we also focus on solving problems, not venting, which is a bit easier because D20 is his daughter.

We recently went to a family wedding and oh em gee the drama. uBPD mom was not invited but she managed to make the wedding about her nonetheless.

SO and I just went to work on problem solving and letting go the things we had no control over.

[MidwestNative]

I think the hardest thing is attempting to realize where my friends' and family's limits are, especially with my mom. She spent her life as a social worker and often in the "fixer" in our family and yet she can't seem to handle me being a stepmom and "choosing this life." She is very traditional and the whole "child out of wedlock" thing really gets to her. I understand she wants the best life possible for me but I feel this is the best life for me. It is hard to hear when I tell her things looking for support, "well you chose this life." I realize now I've depended on my mom for way too long to be my champion and at some point I have to be my own. She also never really dealt with my childhood abuse by a relative and therefore I think she in general can't handle when "bad things" happen to me. I think it is part of why I feel the need for people to validate my experience and for me to validate my SS's experience/ not pretend like "everything is okay" when he is saying it is not. I feel like most of my childhood was spent trying to tell people something was wrong and adults  not listening. I want more for him. I want him to feel heard.

I wonder if his BPD mom is infantalizing him  There is a subset of BPD sufferers who seem to do this. They don't want the child to individuate and become independent, because that will be experienced like an abandonment. Your SS may need, more than anything, people who see that he will still receive love and affection when he accomplishes things. I don't know... .just a hunch.

I think this is so right on and that is a great positive actionable way to connect to SS. In general is is pretty verbally and intellectually advanced (making full sentences, telling coherent stories, counting past 20, I could brag on and on) but emotionally a little stunted. He still wants us to feed him to the point of sometimes he refuses to eat if we don't. He won't attempt to dress himself or use the potty. He wants to be carried or picked up a lot. We saw this behavior escalate with his mom's move (apparently they left most of his stuff behind) but then he got into a great daycare and he really thrived for a month. But recently BPDmom has been pulling him out of day care during the day to spend more time with him and we have seem him regress. When we have him for a week, about a few days in he starts to become more independent. But it is so hard only having him every other weekend. But I took your advice today and we really focused on doing things independently and he pooped on the potty for the second time ever! So amazing! He was so proud of himself! It was a great great moment.

If you do hit a super rough patch, it's ok to tell someone that you have a family emergency. You don't have to go into the details, just tell them that you are in the midst of a family emergency that involves a young child, and let their imaginations fill in the blanks. Then tell them what you need. "I can hit x milestone, but I need to change the dates from this to that. I'm in the middle of a family emergency and can't live with myself if I don't take some time to focus on that." And I learned to ask for suggestions. I'm at a public ivy and my chair literally wrote the book on methods for our field, so it was hard to tell her I needed a lot of help with one of my methods, and did she know anyone I could meet with to discuss the methods. It's easier to talk to peers about this stuff, for me. And she ended up connecting me to someone who made a world of difference.

It is so great that you have such a supportive committee. Perhaps I'm making this too much of a gender-thing but my chair is a man and I find he is often telling me not to let my personal life interfere with my work despite the fact that he often is taking personal time that distracts from work (where thus far I have set clear boundaries on my work load but never let my work slip). There is this idea that grad school is the time to just work work work and do everything your chair asks of you (not a healthy boundary environment at all!). Also I seem to often hear "advice" directed at women  in particular to not be distracted by children. My female committee member seems more open to arranging work that is helpful for me and for her as well but we really don't often have the opportunity to work together because we have very different research areas. I have found another mentor at a different university who is just amazing but I find myself not wanting to burden her too much with work questions since she is not my chair and therefore won't receive any of the credit for taking hours to talk me through a specific theory. Plus I know she has her own career and family to worry about.

Make sure you don't let the drama take over your relationship completely. Maybe set aside times where you discuss the drama, or start the conversation with a sense of how much time you'll spend on it, for now.

My SO has a uBPDx, and an adult daughter who is bipolar with BPD traits (my ex is no longer in our lives), and we made a pact to not discuss "new normal" drama after 8pm. There have been some crises that needed immediate attention, but for the most part we've been able to limit how much we talk about her. And we also focus on solving problems, not venting, which is a bit easier because D20 is his daughter.

This is so great. We have been trying to do a no drama talk after 10 pm rule but that got hard when I wasn't done working until 11 pm Now we are trying to save responding to emails until Friday night so we can have a glass of wine and sift through how to respond/ what really needs to be responded to. We found BPDmom actually will fight with herself via email and wear herself out by the end of the week if we don't respond, often settling issues. I will say though it is hard sometimes. Like super hard to control the impulse to just rant. It is wrong I know but there is something satisfying about just getting upset without trying to have a calm rational response. Like so often BPDmom just throws nonsense and unfairness and hate at us with no thought, and every time we have to received the abuse calmly, process it, and respond with grace. It takes so much emotional effort sometimes to just respond calmly! It is so easy and terribly satisfying to just rant to each other about how terrible she is. But after we feel worse, like we just ate too many cheetos or something and even though it felt good now we have a stomach ache. Because we know we want better than that.  Maybe it gets better with practice? Have you found with time it has gotten easier to not be triggered/ not respond?

[livednlearned]

I understand she wants the best life possible for me but I feel this is the best life for me. It is hard to hear when I tell her things looking for support, "well you chose this life."

I'm really sorry that's the response you received  That's not a very validating response and I can understand why it would hurt. It's very painful when we recognize that our parents haven't worked through their own stuff enough to be a catcher's mitt for our pain.   
 

We found BPDmom actually will fight with herself via email and wear herself out by the end of the week if we don't respond

It's great that you can see that... .and I think deep down, these arguments are ones she really is having with herself.

there is something satisfying about just getting upset without trying to have a calm rational response

It takes so much emotional effort sometimes to just respond calmly! It is so easy and terribly satisfying to just rant to each other about how terrible she is.

Maybe it gets better with practice? Have you found with time it has gotten easier to not be triggered/ not respond?

I don't know if it's just time that helped... .I saw a saying (here I think) along the lines of, ":)o you want to be right, or do you want to be effective" and that led to a whole world of emotional skills and healing that were necessary if I wanted my child to become emotionally resilient.

Because the universe loves a good laugh, I also met and fell in love with someone who has a BPD ex wife, and his BPD D20 came to live with us the last two summers. There are many DBT skills I had to learn, that I could not imagine using with my ex because I was too busy feel scared and angry and righteous. So I set out to use them with SO and with D20, and even though I was super triggered and treading water, they were effective.

Same with S16. He's not out of the woods but I know from talking to his psychiatrist that some of what I was able to pull off made a real difference in his life. His psychiatrist said he is surprised how high-functioning S16 is given what his genetics are like, and the damage his dad wreaked on his life. T often gives me feedback about how he witnesses me interacting with S16, saying that he is grateful I can respond therapeutically without trying to be his therapist, which is the best compliment I can imagine. I'm only saying this because when you see the positive effects of the skills, or the mindset, or whatever it is, then the alternative (emotionally reactivity) isn't as satisfying.

Although I do love a good vent 

It's just that there are alternatives available now that are pretty helpful in all parts of my life.

I even used them during my Phd process 

Like with your chair. He is telling you not to let your personal life interrupt your work because that's what he does. He is dealing with that so-called shortcoming by projecting it on you (and probably others) where he gets to avoid responsibility for what are his issues. And he's probably saying it to you because you're a woman, too. Although, I met just as many women who were chauvinistic as men.

So he's going to be of no help to you. But you can recognize when he says bs like that to you that it's probably an issue he struggles with. With my ex, who was a big fan of projection, I would sometimes swap out all the "you" pronouns with "I" and then things would make a lot more sense 

[MidwestNative]

Thank you again so much for the reply Livednlearned. I'm halfway through comps now! Plus I just submitted 5 articles/abstracts to our international conference for next summer! Even though I'm feeling like I'm running on fumes, I'm being productive and getting through it. (With a few anxiety-filled, I'm so tired cries, throughout the week )

I don't know if it's just time that helped... .I saw a saying (here I think) along the lines of, ":)o you want to be right, or do you want to be effective" and that led to a whole world of emotional skills and healing that were necessary if I wanted my child to become emotionally resilient.

I honestly think this is what I struggle most with. I have no idea what the goal is/ what effective looks like. Personally, I don't so much care about being right as I care about being heard. In my own way I'm yelling from my childhood trauma! Listen to what I'm saying! This is not okay! Please please please believe me. That is definitely the current stuff I'm wading through in therapy. How this entire experience for me mimics childhood trauma and yet I'm finding I am able to more resilient thanks to 10 years of therapy. That I think often contributes to my rants to my mom. I just want her to finally hear me and believe me. Hopefully that will get better over time, as I again process former trauma.

I don't really care about being "right" when it comes to uBPDmom. So often the arguments have nothing to do with a right or wrong. They are just nonsense. Usually they are just ways of projecting and trying to make my partner or I feel like we are the "bad parents" I guess making her the good parent as if there needs to be one good and one bad. Obviously ideally we would all be the good parents. We would all be "right."

So assuming that there really isn't a "right" here (and I really don't think there often is), what is the goal and what does it mean to be effective? That is where I struggle. Usually I would say the goal would be minimal contact but if we don't ask for more parenting time or try to get holiday time, we only see SS every other week at the most. This is heartbreaking. I guess that goal then would be to spend more time with SS, but I'm not sure how that is possible given the court order and her clear PAS. Do we keep asking for additional time even though it sparks BPD rage emails back? Do we give up? I really want to be effective, I'm just not sure what that means.

Same with S16. He's not out of the woods but I know from talking to his psychiatrist that some of what I was able to pull off made a real difference in his life. His psychiatrist said he is surprised how high-functioning S16 is given what his genetics are like, and the damage his dad wreaked on his life. T often gives me feedback about how he witnesses me interacting with S16, saying that he is grateful I can respond therapeutically without trying to be his therapist, which is the best compliment I can imagine. I'm only saying this because when you see the positive effects of the skills, or the mindset, or whatever it is, then the alternative (emotionally reactivity) isn't as satisfying.

This is amazing! It is so amazing that you can do this for your son! This is definitely our goal. We know SS is going to struggle. We want to help give him the tools to be resilient. I'm not sure as non-custodial parents what we can do though at this front. Do you have any recommendations? Any books to read? (Winter break is coming up and I'm determined to read one non academic book a week )

So he's going to be of no help to you. But you can recognize when he says bs like that to you that it's probably an issue he struggles with. With my ex, who was a big fan of projection, I would sometimes swap out all the "you" pronouns with "I" and then things would make a lot more sense 

YES! I'm absolutely going to do this. I think I'll do this with uBPDmom when she sends ranty emails about what a terrible father my partner is. This is a great strategy for trying to get my head around the whirly irrationality!

[livednlearned]

Personally, I don't so much care about being right as I care about being heard. In my own way I'm yelling from my childhood trauma!

It is really admirable and self-aware that you know this about yourself! That is huge.

And complicated, because you see a child being abused, so you want to rescue him/you.

I don't really care about being "right" when it comes to uBPDmom. So often the arguments have nothing to do with a right or wrong. They are just nonsense.

They are not nonsense to her.

That doesn't mean she's right, but she feels right. Being effective means figuring out what she really wants, which is usually some form of validation, recognition, praise. And that is a steep hill to climb, to be able to give her some kudos when she is not only driving you nuts, but abusing a child you love.

So definitely not easy stuff here.

Do we keep asking for additional time even though it sparks BPD rage emails back? Do we give up? I really want to be effective, I'm just not sure what that means.

Effective legally is a bit different than effective psychologically, though you can use one with the other.

Say she sends you a long ranty email about how hard she works, and is a single mom, and no one helps her, and you just make one demand after another. Effective might mean responding with validation or praise (depending on how much narcissism she has). Being BPD means she feels excruciating insecurity and low, low, low self-esteem, to the point of (in many cases) of emptiness and chronic suicidality. So you might write to her, "You really do work so hard, and I don't know how you manage to keep it all going! SS is counting and doing all kinds of amazing things, you must feel so proud of him. If you ever need a break, let me know."

Or, effective might mean that DH deals with exchanges on his own, so your presence doesn't trigger her. Or, it might mean that you go to exchanges on your own (if you have a better relationship) and ask her how she makes the sandwiches SS loves so much -- he doesn't seem to like the ones you make as much as mama.

Depending on how severe her BPD is, you might have to change your game. With people who are dangerous/uncooperative, you have fewer skills at your disposal. She doesn't seem dangerous to you, necessarily. That's a whole other nightmare that tends to play out on the legal board.

As for reading, I can't remember if I already wrote this somewhere, but I think Bill Eddy's Don't Alienate the Kids is excellent as a primer. It's really about raising emotionally resilient kids when one parent has BPD.

I have found the main challenge is tempering my own emotional reactivity so I can focus on this other irrational person, whose needs can feel toddler-like despite grown up mannerisms.

SO just wrote a letter to his uBPD ex about withholding money until she did some stuff that was important for SS19 (he's intellectually delayed). SO is a smart guy and the letter was fine, but it also had some shame-blamey language, and without a doubt she would share the letter with SS19.

Being effective meant taking a step back, acknowledging that bio mom probably is busy, SS19 has many strengths and abilities, AND these things need to get done. So a SET (support, empathy, truth) letter, basically.

You could share that letter with anyone, and anyone reasonable would think, Yeah, that makes sense.

It doesn't cure BPD and it doesn't make her any less difficult to deal with. It just means focusing on outcomes and being skillful in terms of BPD pathology so that she's not emotionally as threatened and dysregulated.

For the legal stuff, that's a different story in many ways, although the skills can still be applied.

[MidwestNative]

That doesn't mean she's right, but she feels right. Being effective means figuring out what she really wants, which is usually some form of validation, recognition, praise. And that is a steep hill to climb, to be able to give her some kudos when she is not only driving you nuts, but abusing a child you love.

So definitely not easy stuff here.

As always I appreciate your advice LivednLearned. It is always good to hear other opinions and experiences.

Unfortunately, the validation, praise and recognition, it not an option for us. First and foremost it makes us feel awful, which I think is relevant and matters. Telling someone who is treating their child like a pawn that they are a great parent felt so inauthentic. Also validation was often met with defensiveness. We told her we loved the daycare she picked out, she said well she wished SO would pay more of the cost (he pays 70%). We told her it was so cool SS could count to 20, she must be working with him, she said of course he can count to twenty, he's been doing that for months, you must not be paying attention to your son. And so on. No matter what positive we gave, we got vitriol back.

It definitely did not equate to less harsh emails, to more flexibility, or to decreased conflicts. After getting involved with some stepparent forums we've decided to employ the gray rock method of limited contact and just being as boring as possible. Of course BIFF is in place but our new goal now is to just keep the possible content that could ignite rage to a minimum. I think as a couple we need this as well. My SO is recovering from some PTSD from when she lived in the spare bedroom at his house. He is finally starting to reclaim space and recover. I realized my pushing the "nice and validating" method that my therapist originally recommended made him feel like I was gas lighting his experience. I get what you are saying but for us, especially while he is healing, it is important to make those boundaries and not minimize the hurt she is causing. We may revist this in the future though.

I really do appreciate everyone's input though here and on other forums. It has helped us realize there are many different strategies that may or may not work for everyone. It has also helped push my own therapy in a really productive and needed direction.

And talking all this out really made me realize I need to deal with some of my childhood issues of not being heard so that I can be there and really hear my SS and our future (fingers crossed) kids I don't think I would have realized that as quickly without this forum. Thank you

I think in general just giving myself time to vent about these issues on a forum away from my partner has been amazing. I was able to voice my anxiety to him and his listened and really seemed to get it. This really did seem to bring us together and I hope it will continue to in the future

Also thank you for all the book recommendations. Being the geek I am this will be my Christmas break!

I will say I totally felt you on the need to temper your own reactivity. That is what I am really working on! But what I realized is that I'm just not to the stage of being able/ ready/ capable to engage. And for me recognizing that is huge. As an academic, I feel the need to be perfect and handle everything. But I can't handle this with the current skills I have. I need to do some skill building and then perhaps maybe attempt to re-engage... .or maybe not. It is good to know you have done it so successfully though. It really seems like you're managing all these super complex relationships and this awesome career. It makes me so hopeful! Thank you for the inspiration!

[livednlearned]

Unfortunately, the validation, praise and recognition ... .makes us feel awful, which I think is relevant and matters.

It absolutely does matter! And I'm not sure what psychologists would say, but validation that makes you feel awful might not even be validation, if that makes sense. It's based on empathy, so if that's not happening, then validation is probably not happening either.

My ex husband is (dangerous/not cooperative) uBPD, with bipolar mania plus alcoholism. My uBPD brother was physically abusive my whole childhood, well into my 20s. The last time he hit me I was 25  

Then I met SO and fell in love, and knew his D20 had issues (she had a serious psychotic break in highschool). But then she came to live with us and I saw all the signs and symptoms of BPD. Growing up, I had no privacy, none. Not in the bathroom, not in my bedroom. When D20 came wandering into my bathroom without knocking, and getting into my bed, on my side, it was like I was having a heart attack, my reaction was so severe.

Finally, I am in a safe, loving relationship with no one hurting me, and this woman-child comes into my life and it felt like a physical threat.

That was a sign I needed to take care of myself and I put that first, before anything else. When she is living with us, my goal is to make sure my cup is full, and my whole day is about making sure it stays full. In the early days of her being her, I physically engineered a lot of space between us. I can work at home, but I chose to work elsewhere. When she was in the kitchen getting ready in the morning, I stayed in my room -- D20's stress level and anxiety getting ready in the morning made me feel so tense at the start of the day that I chose instead to put on noise-canceling headphones and meditate for 45 minutes.

This is part of being effective.

Validation came much later. And it was rarely effective if my cup was half full with her, if ever.

D20 is not externally vitriolic, but she is very passive-aggressive. After I discussed my boundaries with her, she chipped away at them on a daily basis. That first summer, I took a vacation just to get my head together. She really felt to me like the two dangerous men in my life, even though she wasn't hurting me physically. She's a hugger -- like I mean, a hugger. Like 50-60 times a day with her dad. And she'll ambush you, so I might be in the kitchen cooking and suddenly she would lock me into a hug. I had to tell her I wasn't someone who liked hugging, which isn't entirely true, but the combination of her non-existent boundaries and the psychological/emotional connection in my body between her and physically abusive men -- wow. It felt the same.

I mention all of this because I get it! This is a process, not just over the long trajectory, but on a daily basis.  

I totally understand gray rock and it's an important tool to have. That's how I dealt with my ex. It's good to recognize that gray rock is the method we reach for when we feel threatened in some way.

I need to do some skill building and then perhaps maybe attempt to re-engage... .or maybe not.

My advice is to start with people who don't trigger you. And when/if you do build up to other skills with biomom, don't expect things to move in a positive linear direction. She cannot regulate her emotions, so if she can't do it for herself, you definitely can't do it for her   . All you're trying to do is prevent things from getting worse, which may not seem like a lot, but it's huge!

[MidwestNative]

Just a quick little update: I passed my comprehensive exams! I'm exhausted but thrilled to be done with that chapter of grad school! It was so helpful to have people on this forum to give me some kind words of wisdom and support.

Also the usual random crazy emails have been still coming in (esp with holiday stuff) but we've kept it BIFF and super short (three polite sentences) and we feel great! We never spend more than 5 minutes on an email and we no longer respond to text messages or attempts at face to face confrontations. We are grey boring zen rocks

Plus we are just enjoying time more with little one. We now see how this is going to be his safe space to explore and be himself so we are really encouraging him to be an individual. It is awesome to see him shine here!

Again thanks for all the advice!