high long time since on last

[Wanda]

 
I really need to come on here like more then never . you don't see many with possitive things on here, because people like me never come on. i am on the success stories if you want to read about me. short  story been in a marriage for 20 years and known just as long about  BPD my husband doesn't know.   it started out bad rages all the time, now 20 years later i forget he has BPD . he is very high functioning.has no rages.
 he use to mentally abuse me, for some reason that even stopped  recently . after all these years hard to just forget on my part.
 i lost over 35 lbs never getting any support from him just negative things, now he wants to loose weight and it is hard for me to compliment him and encourage him, when he never did me sure it was due to jealously. that is what i am dealing with now i have to remember he has BPD and i have to forgive seems like he has stopped the calling of names why i have no idea but why ask right? and actually he will compliment me when i ask... slow steps right but the damage is there. and i have to forgive...
  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Wanda,

Thank you for your post and welcome back! Can you please share more with about your successes? I agree that it's good for us to see/share these!

What made a difference for you? What would you like others to know about what might be possible with these kinds of relationships?

Thank you.

[Wanda]

 
 I am in the successs stories i have been married 20 years this february i have known as long about the BPD it was horrible the rages were all the time . I didn't know what was going on this is my second marriage and i didn't want to fail again so one year after being married we did a therapeutic separation.  for one year. during which time i went to therapy to help me and he went to he thought to help himself and  me. we stayed in because this is where i found out about BPD by reading we had separate therapist his therapist told him what he thought and i read and read. everything fit. the black and white the saying things that made no sense or i thought were lies. this is when i also started the boards i am a long time person on here i was also a ambassador. on here
 so during the year i learned a lot about me, and became stronger i learned the tools skills needed to handle my husband i set many boundaries.  and learned about BPD. to this day i never told him about it i was adviced not to he is very high functioning he has a full time job and keeps it, he is a recovered alcoholic of 30 years. i attended alanon which helped and he goes to AA . alanon helped me also it talkes about skills and tools needed to deal with and alcoholic, the same as a BPD or any one.

I have three kids from a previous marriage an he helped me raise them. my ex never got involved. i always say if my husband now has BPD what did my ex have?  rages that were all the time are now non existent now. he still at time says things that a far fetch and at times has the black and white thinking. but that is even less now. my kids are all grown up we never had any of our own. my kids see him as a dad only one child knows about his BPD and i taught her what i have learned. she knows because when she was little found my book about  it. but before that i taught the kids about the skills and tools but i never put a name to his disease.
I come on here once in a while to remind  me he has BPD like now for years he called me names was much of a bully but hasn't for a while now not sure why. but after years of name calling i am dealing with trying to forgive and forget he is really trying. but the damage has been done so hard to just go on . and he tells me all the time he don't remember doing or saying some of the things he did. and i know he proubley don't . all part of this disease.  so now i am learning to forgive. and remember he has this horrible disease and some of the things he has done is because  of this. He has made me a stronger person for all this over the years. that i thank  him for. living with someone with BPD isn't easy . enough about me  j but i live by my saying i wrote about the piece of the puzzle  v
     oh and to this day he is still undiagnosed                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     v

                                                                                                                                                              v

[Chosen]

Wanda!

I have recently returned to the site but I remember you from the first time I was here, a few years back.  Good to see you, and great that your relationship is getting more and more trouble-free!

You mentioned that 20 years ago the rages were "all the time".  What tools were the most helpful for you over the 2 decades that now your H basically does not rage anymore?  What I've always been impressed about your story is that he has remained undiagnosed all this time- which will seem likely to be my H's case as he doesn't think he has any problem.  How did you turn things round just from your own side?

Chosen

[Wanda]

chosen
 i remember you , hard to believe it has been like 20 years i have been dealing with this, and he keeps improving not sure why he just does i assume my boundaries  they have been the best to help  me. I set one and follow though with it, i still use it if needed  like walking away is a good one.not participating in his off days. not letting his words hurt me .
 now i am dealing with trying to forgive he till a few months ago always called me names or just said mean things to me i was like what ever he would get this way when he was mad. so away i walked. now for some reason he hasn't called me names in a long time not sure why. so like i lost 35 lbs he can be so negative about it i am sure jealously, but he never complimented me. now he is trying to loose weight and actually doing well  but want me to compliment him. now for me that is hard . so thats why i am on here because when i tell him i will treat him like he treated me he doesn't remember being so mean about it all. and i need to forgive, the mean things he has said in the past. This BPD is a disease and i accepted along time ago now i just deal with it . it helps he is high functioning he holds a job, and isn[t

depressed or do that pull or come back thing. so for me i am working on my piece of  the puzzle  9
 ( i lov my quote )  down below because it is so true
                                                                                                                                 vvvvvvvvv
                                                                                                                               vv  

[Sunfl0wer]

You were seperated for a year, and during that time you both went to individual counseling with different therapists?

If I am hearing this correct, I find that impressive!
Can you help explain what the therapeutic separation plan was like?  Was there one?  At what point in the individual session was there discussion of reunification?  

I did couples counseling, it failed for us because ex was interested in relieving his pain and he saw me as the source of that pain.  So... .we never went through the reunification stage.  Therapist tried facilitating it, but it wasn’t happening.

I am curious how this stage of the process goes... .or rather, how it worked in your case? If you don’t mind sharing.

Anyways, thanks for sharing this far!

(Oh, I do recall ur name from the past... .not ur story tho)

[Wanda]

 
 Therapudic separation
 i believe there is even a section on this where? i am not sure. what happened with us. was things were really bad like  he kept me hostage in my own home, the rages where terrible like all the time, i finally said no more i can't take this asked him to leave i had kids and didn't want them around this. after he left the house was mine anyway i got it from my first divorce. i told him if things didn't improve i was going for a second divorce i didn't want to, but will.
and before i even knew about therapeutic separation i told him we had to go to a therapist at that time only thing his insurance would cover i was  scared of him. so i told him he had to get his and i got mine, and i told him his therapist has to be able to talk to mine and they did, I remember when his therapist asked me to come i was scared of what my husband would do, and that is when he told me he has a mental condition now all this time i thought his therapist didn't see him for him. he told me won't do any good to tell him the truth but i needed to learn the tools and skills to survive and it did help he was a recovered alcoholic . went to my therapist read about different mental disorders and when it came to BPD boy the   went on so from there i learned a lot about BPD and read books, and learned about those skills and tools i needed to. it was like a bolder went off my shoulder when he left like i said there was no push pull thing going on.  he made the rule just to date each other no one else we were told to go back to dating through his therapist i continued to see mine and i went to his as a couple once a month he thought he was going to help me when actually it was for me to learn what i needed to learn. now a year later i was like ok give him meds and lets go on with life, his therapist asked was i ready incase he didn't believe it  we were already moved in together i was like yep, so his therapist told him he was never to return. but from what i learned i worked with it  before his phycytrist told him.we were back in same house about one month now. i kept reading and going to sites . i did set my first boundary if things didn't improve i was out we were over. and to this day still the same. rages that were all the time don't happen any more. now recently the bad words he calls me stopped why i don't know. calling me all the time even stopped, so things got better but didn[t happen over night  as far as the therapist and being together we slowly right away started just dating one another again, falling in love all over again. now fast forward 20 years later here we are.

  i'll talk about another boundary once back together he rages i leave was my boundary. i would leave he followed he did this a few times because he hates dirt roads and i would hit them or drive right to the police station. then he would go back leaving me alone. he got tired of this so i finally left and he let me go. he stopped following. boundaries i loved them. but to this day i have to thank my husband he has made me stronger and doesn't even know it