Did I validate enough?

[pearlsw]

I noticed my partner was not feeling well today. He slept a lot. We did not talk a lot. When we did I asked him how he was feeling, to check in on his emotions... .Well, he saw his family yesterday and I know that can be emotional for a lot of us, but he is often a bit out of touch with his emotions and unsure where his "bad feelings" come from. He mentioned one reason he felt bad today was his aunt (by marriage) extended her hand instead of hugging him as we left. He said it made him feel very bad. I am realizing now this was like a rejection for him. She only wanted to shake my hand too, but I got to her first and sort of flubbed the encounter by half hugging her. (We hug a lot in my culture/family!) By the time he tried to hug her and say goodbye she said "I'm from the north (of her country) and we don't hug!" and kept him at a distance.

I am afraid I didn't do enough to validate this and may have rushed over it a bit when this came up today. I expressed sympathy, tried to explain it, and depersonalize her behavior, but I also told him he "should not" feel that way. Shoot! I wish I had worded that differently. Big flub! It would have been better to say, "I can see that you feel hurt. Can I give you big hug now to help you feel better? " I should never say "you should not feel that way." Yikes!

If I had it to do over I think I would approach him and get on his level. I was standing on an exercise machine and he was sitting in a chair and say "I see you feel hurt. I care about how you feel." And give him a hug. Did it make any difference to explain her behavior as not personal? He heard it, but I think I did not address his feelings and provide comfort. What do you think?

I hope this does not bleed into him feeling bad tomorrow too... .I am trying to keep a close eye on his feelings and not accidentally make things worse. He's been on a euphoric high lately and I am afraid this could be a signal he is about to drop into a depression... .

Here is what I am studying: https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

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[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Pearlsw!

I think it is great that you are trying to be so considerate of your partner.  Give yourself kudos for that. Sometimes it is far too easy to get down on ourselves, and we forget to complement the improvements we've made, so I'm reminding you! 

The great thing about communication is we are often presented with the opportunity for a 'do over.' In other words, I have times when I've slipped up on what I've said. When the topic comes up again (or I may bring it up), I offer something like this:

"Yesterday when I said you should not feel that way, I wasn't really taking the time to hear what you were saying. I'm sorry. I can see that you were really hurt by auntie's not giving you a hug."

You are learning and growing!

 
Wools

[RolandOfEld]

Hi pearlsw, you are indeed an empathetic partner for the level of thought you applied to just that one interaction and your depth of understanding for your partner. Sometimes it seems the only thing worse than defending ourselves is defending others. My BPD relationship has blown apart most of my own family relationships already, and a lot of it may have been avoided by saying "I see how you feel" rather than always "that's just how my brother is, don't take it personally" all those years ago.

You are doing very heavy emotional lifting for your partner and I hope he can (in his own way) come to appreciate it.

[pearlsw]

Oh thank you Woolspinner and thegoodsoldier! Yes, I was lucky today. He came to greet me before he left for work this morning and seemed to be in a good mood. Whew! I will take this advice and give myself a little do-over about it today. I know it is something that will stick with him for awhile as his memory of this person and this visit overall. I might also try to pick out something else nice from the day to make that our memory of it instead - give some other nice part more emphasis. Thank you for the support and encouragement!