2 weeks NC/addicted to adrenaline rush? Advice needed

[Depression = 72% of members]

2 questions for readers:
first the background: I blocked my 75 y/o undiagnosed BPM 2 weeks ago from phone/email. Its not a perfect solution as the occasional voicemail still comes through on my cell phone, but all her emails/texts are going to my spam folder which is good b/c I don't have the constant bombardment of them popping into my inbox all the time. (I'm sure none of you are surprised to hear that she emails/texts/calls incessantly when she is in a severe disregulated emotional state. Which she is right now - a result of my telling her I don't want her to move to my city, followed by my cutting off contact with her - this has definitely triggered her worst abandonment fears.) 

Question 1
After a few days of relative peace of not having her emails/texts in my inbox, I found that I was starting to check my spam folder pretty regularly to see if she had messaged me. And when I see a message from her has come in, I get that dread feeling/adrenaline rush.  If I'm really being honest, I think I'm addicted to the adrenaline/chaotic feeling. I don't enjoy it, but I guess its all I've ever known and it's hard for me to stop (obsessively) checking to see if she has contacted me. It's not as though I think she's going to send me a message that makes it all better, but I wonder if deep down that's my desire and why I keep checking. Does anyone else feel this way? What do you think it's about?

Question 2
As mentioned, I understand why she's extremely disregulated right now, but the "excuse" she is giving for contacting me so much is that she has forgotten the name of her CPA and can't find his contact info. All of her messages say the same thing "just give me his contact info and I'll stop bothering you anymore." I don't think that's true, I think she will continue to pester me with these kinds of issues, it's always something with her. And I've emailed/texted/voicemailed her his contact info dozens of times before I went NC with her, and I've asked him to reach out to her directly. (He is slow to respond.)  So this morning after 2 weeks of her asking, and questioning myself if I was being passive aggressive in not answering her, I broke down and emailed her his contact info again.

 I haven't heard back from her as to whether or not she got it. If she asks for it again, I think I'll send it snail mail with a note that says "put this in a safe place b/c I'm not sending it again." Question is: did I make a mistake in responding to this ploy to get me to contact her? I'm trying to navigate this new normal with her and not play into her "Waif" type by constantly taking care of things for her. At the same time, if I really want to go NC with her, I could change my cell phone number but I'm not ready for that. Will I ever be able to reach a state where if she does contact me from time to time with these requests that I will be strong enough to ignore them, or if I answer them, to not wrestle with it so much? Have any of you dealt with this? Looking for advice from those of you who have or are currently trying to navigate it. Thanks!

[momisborderline]

2 questions for readers:
first the background: I blocked my 75 y/o undiagnosed BPM 2 weeks ago from phone/email. Its not a perfect solution as the occasional voicemail still comes through on my cell phone, but all her emails/texts are going to my spam folder which is good b/c I don't have the constant bombardment of them popping into my inbox all the time. (I'm sure none of you are surprised to hear that she emails/texts/calls incessantly when she is in a severe disregulated emotional state. Which she is right now - a result of my telling her I don't want her to move to my city, followed by my cutting off contact with her - this has definitely triggered her worst abandonment fears.) 

Question 1
After a few days of relative peace of not having her emails/texts in my inbox, I found that I was starting to check my spam folder pretty regularly to see if she had messaged me. And when I see a message from her has come in, I get that dread feeling/adrenaline rush.  If I'm really being honest, I think I'm addicted to the adrenaline/chaotic feeling. I don't enjoy it, but I guess its all I've ever known and it's hard for me to stop (obsessively) checking to see if she has contacted me. It's not as though I think she's going to send me a message that makes it all better, but I wonder if deep down that's my desire and why I keep checking. Does anyone else feel this way? What do you think it's about?

Question 2
As mentioned, I understand why she's extremely disregulated right now, but the "excuse" she is giving for contacting me so much is that she has forgotten the name of her CPA and can't find his contact info. All of her messages say the same thing "just give me his contact info and I'll stop bothering you anymore." I don't think that's true, I think she will continue to pester me with these kinds of issues, it's always something with her. And I've emailed/texted/voicemailed her his contact info dozens of times before I went NC with her, and I've asked him to reach out to her directly. (He is slow to respond.)  So this morning after 2 weeks of her asking, and questioning myself if I was being passive aggressive in not answering her, I broke down and emailed her his contact info again.

 I haven't heard back from her as to whether or not she got it. If she asks for it again, I think I'll send it snail mail with a note that says "put this in a safe place b/c I'm not sending it again." Question is: did I make a mistake in responding to this ploy to get me to contact her? I'm trying to navigate this new normal with her and not play into her "Waif" type by constantly taking care of things for her. At the same time, if I really want to go NC with her, I could change my cell phone number but I'm not ready for that. Will I ever be able to reach a state where if she does contact me from time to time with these requests that I will be strong enough to ignore them, or if I answer them, to not wrestle with it so much? Have any of you dealt with this? Looking for advice from those of you who have or are currently trying to navigate it. Thanks!

[Struggles]

I totally get what your saying about the rush.  For me, it was more of that sick feeling to my stomach, but I would constantly check too.  I have stopped doing that, because for me I realized it was keeping my mind on it and in a way I feel like causing a little more anxiety for myself. 

I can't say whether or not the email was a mistake.  I think that was a hard call to make on that one.  I know it would have been for me too.

I don't think we ever know if the decisions we make with a BPD are the right ones.  I think it's a lot of trial and error. 

[HappyChappy]

Hi Momisborderline,
 
Will I ever be able to reach a state where if she does contact me from time to time with these requests that I will be strong enough to ignore them, or if I answer them, to not wrestle with it ?

I so sorry you are having to go through all this, it must be very difficult for you. But be reassured, I took the same route you are taking and was so ill I had 5 months off work. But I am now so much stronger and happier, so I’m sure in time you will also feel that way. But it takes time, so keep reminding yourself, it will get better.

If I'm really being honest, I think I'm addicted to the adrenaline/chaotic feeling. I don't enjoy it, but I guess its all I've ever known and it's hard for me to stop.

I got the same. Mindfullness can be very helpful here. Keep reminding yourself you mom is an old 75 year old that can do you very little harm now, even though she can evoke powerful anxiety, over time, by reminding yourself of the now, the past will be less worrying. Easier said than done, but it did help me and others on this forum.

Meditation, swimming, sports all those things help take away nervous energy. Walks in the countryside. Also I used I used CBT Therapist and books. It took longer than I would like, but I got there, I’m sure you will too.

Keep being good to yourself, become great friends with yourself, build your self esteem back up. I was told to repeat every day the things I’m good at, and the things I’m grateful for. That also helped. But don’t stop at these suggestions there are many more on the internet. It may be 2 steps forward and one back, but so long as you're pointed in the right direction you'll get there. Use this forum to check you are going in the right direction and just to connect with people that understand. Best of Luck. 

[Turkish]

Well, to put it simply,  she's your mom and maybe you miss her,  no matter how your relationship was, despite the anger and frustration.

[momisborderline]

Well, to put it simply,  she's your mom and maybe you miss her,  no matter how your relationship was, despite the anger and frustration.

Sometimes, the things put most simply really do resonate with truth. I think you may have hit on the stew of feelings that i have with my mom. How I can still love someone who makes me so angry, hurt and frustrated is confusing.

But I'm reading my BPD books and learning about how infants attach to their mothers first out of necessity that becomes loyalty. I was thinking just today how, in my other intimate relationships, I've never been with someone who treats me the way she does. Calling me a b*%$# and telling me to "eff off," denigrating me, etc. I've never had that with anyone else and I've never done it to anyone else. I'm not painting myself a saint, I'm just reflecting on this interesting fact. Of course, with mothers, especially BPD mothers, we may have put up with behavior we shouldn't have, but as kids, we didn't have any choice but to take it and that acceptance became a learned behavior.  So that's where I'm at today. Thanks for posting and for reading.

[Turkish]

Not so much as an adult,  because I was mostly LC for over two decades until I moved her on with me and the kids for five months two years ago,  my mom said some horrible things to me,  and treated me badly... .juxtaposed with doing a few cool things,  like buying me a dirt bike when I was 14, for example. Making accusations of what now fall under criminal elder abuse a year and a half ago prompted me going NC.

As kids,  we "don't know what we don't know" and this applies to adults as well,  as I heard that told to us by the coaches when I mentored at-risk youth.  It's both an explanation of why we may be stuck in our patterns,  and it's also a challenge to reorient our minds into adopting a different world-view. These were troubled teens,  but it resonated with me as well, probably not healed from a borderline upbringing.  I'm an old dog learning new tricks