NC for 40 days - what a journey

[letskeepitreal]

Hi all,

Firstly, I'd like to thank all members on this board for their continuing support and empathy. Having read many saddening stories and watching the community support each other is honourable. To those going through their own personal battles - you are strong and always be kind to yourself.

I have been on this board for about a week now and it has given me more perspective about my recent uBPDexgf than I have been able to muster in the 3 months we ended. What a journey that has been! I have heard of BPD but never knew how it could destroy the non's psyche leading to total emotional dysregulation. It was and still is a brutal experience that'll take time to fully heal from.

So let's get into the guts of it.

May this year I ended a relationship with girl we shall name 'X'. We had been dating for 6 months before she admitted to me she had cheated on a nightout. Having never been cheated on I went into complete emotional shut down and gave myself 2 weeks to think. Once it was up I decided to recycle the relationship hoping that my trust in her would develop again. She tried her best to reconcile, however, a week progressed and I couldn't see past the betrayal and decided it was a deal breaker and ended it. No more recycling, NC from the get go. The End. Q.E.D.

Idealisation:
During this time I had confided my woes to a (ex)co-worker. She saw my pain and was very empathetic towards me. She would buy treats, listen and took her time. Then one day she started to declare "You are an amazing person and I have no idea why anyone would do that to you. You literally mean the world to me". In retrospect I now identify this as the start of the love bombing and did think at the time it was a little weird how it came across. Soon after I was invited over for dinner and TV once a week, twice a week, three times a week.
At first I didn't think it was odd as I have equal number of female to male friends and I know how to set my boundaries - or at least I thought. However, as we spent more time together I had noticed we were getting closer . Initally I wasn't physically attracted to her but as time progressed and more oxytocin was released, I found myself missing her. During this time we were chatting regularly over whatsapp. The whole thing seemed really innocuous and intense. I loved the feeling! At this point I noticed I hadn't asked deeper questions about life, values and of course previous relationships.
"Were all your relationships as intense as ours" - "Yes"
She has a history of short relationships and I thought to myself maybe I'd be the one who'd settle her down...

Sometime progresses and the lovebombing ramps up - lovely texts, interest in all my hobbies, wanting to see me, missing me after a day etc... During this time I knew I was in the honeymoon period but there was something inside telling me I wasn't emotionally connecting. I sought out what my intuition was telling me in real terms. Eventually deduced I was noticing her, often enough, staring out into the distance not being present with me. It was  happening in moments we were meant to be having fun. I felt she was in her own world dealing with her own problems. It was really putting me off.

At the same time I had met her mother, I found out the ex never knew her father and abandoned her at a young age. I managed to get some time with the mother and started questioning her about the family in general. Discovered that she dislikes her brothers and sisters and so does the ex. Additionally discovered that the ex is unusually attached to her mother in the sense she NEVER goes on holiday without her and never does things without her. The conversation ended pretty defensively stating that, and I quote “no man shall ever replace me” and that “she will always choose me over a man”. I walked away confused and uncomfortable however with the realisation whatever her childhood harboured, I would soon see it from the ex. A couple of weeks later and some ruminating I told the ex what her mother had said and she stonewalled me…

One evening I took her for a romantic stroll by a river. The entire HOUR was about how abusive one of her EXs was. I took the opportunity to pry a little deeper and investigate. She did mention two particular guys she loved. I questioned what happened to them… In both cases she figured it wasn’t right for her and left both for her own career prospects in a blunt way…. Which leads me onto this, she is a high achiever, two 1st class degrees and a Ph.D…... introverted/socially anxious – yet has held “people” positions in managerial roles for two gigantic companies… She is somewhat of a juxtaposition. Those three exs I had just mentioned… yes their names were consistency dropped into our daily conversations at a frequent daily rate. In my eyes I started to question if she was really over them. And so I asked and of course the answer was “Yes of course I am”, I wasn’t so sure.

This is where I started to protect myself and I started reasoning why my intuition was telling me not to emotionally connect. So knowing I wasn’t happy I sat her down one day and told her although I think she’s awesome, I wasn’t connecting on a deeper emotional/spiritual level. I asked if everything was okay with her - she said nothing… I assured her I was in it for real and this is not a short fling for me and if she was serious, if we were on the same page– she said nothing. I finally asked if she was depressed – she said yes. So I asked if she could go talk to a therapist and it’ll do us a whole lot of good – she agreed. I walked away from that meeting in disbelief having the majority of my questions stonewalled. At this point my guard was up.

There are numerous stories I can recall but these are “some” of the significant ones, so I’ll save you on the rest :P.

Devaluation:
This was when everything spiralled out of control. I believe she noticed I started to withdraw and her fear of abandonment was coming to light. Our conversations were becoming cold and the flow between them very staggered. Then the whole jealously aspect came into play. She would drop comments out of the blue “Oh a guy called me sexy today” so I called it up and asked her why was she trying to make me jealous, her response would always be something similar to “I’m just wittering”. Each of these interactions would cause me to step back and withdraw furthering her abandonment issues.

One fateful night out, it was her leaving do and I was late. A male co-worker was meant to stay at hers that evening as he travelled far. I didn’t suspect a thing because I thought I knew them and their interactions for sometime. I was hosting for someone else and couldn’t be with her.
 I appeared at 11pm to everyone being completely wasted. I was stone sober. The next minute I look around and she’s snogging my co-worker. Not once but three times. In the space of 15 minutes she’s in the cab with him going back to her house. Some might argue why didn’t you stop it? I had already seen enough and nothing else mattered... remember I had discovered what behaviours are deal breakers. At the same time I was completely and emotionally impaired. Thought to myself “WHO THE ___ DOES THAT AND WHY IS IT HAPPENING TO ME OF ALL PEOPLE!”. I stayed out getting completely slaughtered – eventually came home and not slept a single wink ruminating over what they “could” be doing.

Next day in the morning she speaks to me on the phone as if nothing had happened. So I play along asking how they both were and if they got home safe. Eventually I cracked and said I saw them kiss three times and headed off alone together to grab a taxi. She immediately phoned, I called her an idiot and said I’d be over in 15 minutes to discuss. I get there and he’s gone. She’s sobbing on the couch and I ask her what the heck happened and to recall the entire evening and if they had sex. She completely stonewalled me and told me to just let it all go because she couldn’t remember a single thing. I was dubious and thought plausible deniability was in effect so I turned on my hypervigilance switch and tried to remember all what was said henceforth. She did however tell me she was raped as a child…...

In time, 2 weeks, I would continue to question and some bits of information would leak out. In the end I deduced she was a con artist that was completely manipulating me.

We recycled once shortly and she never really gave much remorse, she was still hot and cold and unwavering in her passive aggressiveness. She said she was very sorry and that I should just let it go… no empathy. When I called it off she started to threaten me with “I never want to see you again”. I smiled and walked away with a heavy heart.

I was completely distraught and broken down. I lost weight and had night terrors for a while. I went to see a therapist and was diagnosed with PTSD. I have never walked away from a relationship with more questions unanswered than answered. This drove me insane. Of course I reached out and asked her to answer them. I was greeted with the victimised mentality and she never really answered anything. What was I to expect? During this time there was vast amounts of gaslighting and stonewalling. I couldn’t/didn’t want to comprehend why someone would be so self-sabotaging and deceitful. Every time I tried to understand her I felt I was falling deeper into the rabbit hole. If I could understand her then maybe I could figure out why our relationship went so awry from her perspective. She didn’t understand herself…...

I finally found articles on BPD which eventually drew me here to this forum and for the most part things started to make sense.
 
The one thing that really struck me is despite all my good rationality, despite all the evidence and red flags, despite my intuition on red alert. I connected and still feel connected to this person and I know shouldn't have and should not be. I literally poured my heart out to her in the closing moments but none of it mattered, I was already painted black and she wanted to take control.

Good has come from this experience. After questioning why I allowed myself to go through such a traumatic ordeal I have identified parts of me that need development. I wholly encourage you to do the same. There are some vital life lessons to be learnt. If you don’t do this, then you have been through a very tough lesson and gained nothing from it – for all the pain and suffering, was it fun? I for one certainly lost a part of me.

No Contact:
~40 days no contact. It has been incredibly difficult both emotionally and physically. I have not experienced such pain before. The urge to recycle is immense and I have sought to frequently read up on BPD to remind myself why I cannot recycle. Additionally I have a list of pros and cons which highlight why it was never good for us to be together. The urge to wallow is strong. In the early days I gave myself time to wallow and fully embraced the grieving cycle.  However, with great courage and ferocity pulled myself out of it and started socialising again. I have found this to be of great distraction and takes my mind off her for several hours at a time.


She is an extraordinarily intelligent woman who is extremely complicated.  Before I went NC she told me she is receiving 3 therapy sessions a week. I wish her all the best and I hope she finds herself and loves herself again.

[Subaru02]

I'm happy for you in a way, look at all the things you understand now. Thats very empowering for you.

I was addicted to all that bull___ in my past relationship I would always try to find explanation as to why people act or do something to you. What their intentions were, what they are really doing it for I'm like that with everyone. So when in I'm intimate with a woman I tend to want to understand her to a level even she doesn't and its been painful I stick around forgiving and trying to get her to be NORMAL and I realized I stuck long enough for her to find someone else to repeat the cycle with.

I still feel connected to her, she devaluated me when I confronted her about being with someone else already. I'm the bad guy for finding out right? Sure. More like "Oh no he blew my cover and now I have to be mean and make it look like I was the victim" what a crazy mentality.

This board has helped me realize I've been through something similar to this. I recycled her in the past it only lead me to more pain which I am goign through now, and I relate to you because I'm at 50 days today of NC with her and she is with someone else and is "moving on" already. It hurts, it sucks but I think its for the best. She has a big self esteem problem which I realize has her vulnerable to other men's attention, it leads her to have sex with them very quickly and get infatuated by their admiration. Its painful but I don't think it has much to do with me.

Has she tried to contact you?

[letskeepitreal]

I'm happy for you in a way, look at all the things you understand now. Thats very empowering for you.

I was addicted to all that bull___ in my past relationship I would always try to find explanation as to why people act or do something to you. What their intentions were, what they are really doing it for I'm like that with everyone. So when in I'm intimate with a woman I tend to want to understand her to a level even she doesn't and its been painful I stick around forgiving and trying to get her to be NORMAL and I realized I stuck long enough for her to find someone else to repeat the cycle with.

I still feel connected to her, she devaluated me when I confronted her about being with someone else already. I'm the bad guy for finding out right? Sure. More like "Oh no he blew my cover and now I have to be mean and make it look like I was the victim" what a crazy mentality.

This board has helped me realize I've been through something similar to this. I recycled her in the past it only lead me to more pain which I am goign through now, and I relate to you because I'm at 50 days today of NC with her and she is with someone else and is "moving on" already. It hurts, it sucks but I think its for the best. She has a big self esteem problem which I realize has her vulnerable to other men's attention, it leads her to have sex with them very quickly and get infatuated by their admiration. Its painful but I don't think it has much to do with me.

Has she tried to contact you?

I would say that was me before this relationship. I tried to understand her irrationality until I realised there was absolutely no point and the energy spent on her was energy I could spend on myself. It is hard to come to this point with conviction and I do flip between yearning and "why the feck am I yearning". As far as I understand and experienced with BPD once they know how to get under your skin, and once they have, you're in for a wild ride. Leave the taming for the professionals.

I didn't stick around for her to be normal. The lovebombing happened in May and June, the devaluation happened in July with the outrageous cheating at the start of August, and recycle happening in August/September. Funny thing is she was the one who deleted me off facebook, deleted my number the day she committed infidelity... .yet still contacted me via email.

She did contact me a week after I told her I was "done"  soon after the infidelity. She asked for some belongings but, as you know, this quickly escalated to the only recycling we had. After pouring my heart out of weakness she changed her tune from "I'll do whatever you want, I miss you etc." to "I'll think about it, give me a few week" couple it is passive aggressiveness, attempting to make me jealous PLUS telling me how amazing her life is blah blah, completely missing the point of reconciliation. It was at this point I realised I was being taken for a ride and it was also at this point I realised she is a compulsive liar. Once I connected the dots and had an "a ha" moment I decided she brought no value to my life and I lost so much of who I was in such a short space of time. I wanted her out. Although this sounds horrendous I composed an email that attacked her very sense of self with the objective of painting me so black she'd never come back. I was firm and direct. Now, I will admit this is not my finest moment and the act is vindictive. I felt ashamed for sending it but I knew it was for the best for her and I. The responding email... .I saw the RAGE, she never fully raged before but now I saw it. The profanities were immense. Yes I know I triggered it but this email had more profanities than a Jim Jefferies sketch which is outrageous. After a few more heated emails it went dead with her having the last say of “___ YOU”.

Since that email 40 yonder days ago I have not heard back since. If she is already in a relationship, then more for the both of them. It really isn't my problem. Does it hurt for me to think that she's is potentially having sex with someone else? No, because I know sex for her has no intrinsic value and is merely a throw away tactic to fill the empty void that might be inside her. She's filling a void alright, but the wrong one . I console in the thought when I next copulate it will be with someone who is more real.

Seek comfort in the way you feel now is purely a reflection of the capacity of love you can give. Seek comfort that once you find that person who reciprocates in the same way you'll be happy. All of what you feel now is merely a journey to that destination and will only serve to direct you onto the right path .

Keep strong bro, you're worth much more!

[Subaru02]

Similarities :

* I poured my heart out when I found out she was seeing someone else RIGHT after the breakup again, she blamed her actions on my actions and said our relationship wasn't working anyway. This seemed to allow her to do it free of guilt the way I see it. Once she was probably balls deep with him or atleast on the edge of something happening. She left me for him without remorse. She initially just said she was leaving out of feeling "inadequate" with me... which was bullshiz. In this conversation she put in my face how happy her life was without me, how much better the guy was with her AND coupled all that with "You just love me when I leave"... .sure. 10 days later she posted herself with the new guy on social media like we were nothing.

*  I wanted and sometimes still want to send her a vindictive E-mail to make her realize how immature/disrespectful and emotionally manipulative she had been to keep me strung along believing we still had something while she was preparing an exit plan, what a weak person. I think that Email would feel really good as I wouldn't be MEAN but be "to the point" about things she did.

* I already did see the RAGE from her devaluating me when I told her I found out about the new guy she was sleeping with so quickly after saying she had feeligns for me and needed us to GO LC or NC for a while to help her cope with me being out of her life. (This is really something that bothers me for some reason if it didn't I wouldn't care as much about her I don't know why the fact she sleeps with a new guy is such a matter for pain in my head) All of a sudden those feelings she had meant nothing, the clarity she got in 2 weeks NC was apparently enough to realize she was ready for the new guy is basically what she said. She also said "I need to work on myself and my self esteem with this new guy now" basically, I know I have issues, but I want to work on them with HIM.

* I have not heard of her in 50 days since that conversation and I think sending her an Email would just prove I'm still ruminating about her when in reality I should just fake it 'Til I make it and that would probably have more impact than giving her anymore attention after all.

* I laughed hard at your void joke LOL, you know what I think the sex she engages in also seems to fill a void in her life. She felt so much better about herself when I desired her sexually. Even when she stopped loving me and stopped wanting us to be together both times around she would still come get that "moment" we had in bed where she felt she was desirable it would make her light up and completely become someone else, I think I got addicted to that girl that "loved the sex with me" but didn't like the girl outside of bed. So maybe I should see it like you, and realize that everything she does OUTSIDE of the bed made me unhappy, so even if she is sleeping with another guy, I should force myself to say "who cares", I sleep with other women too now but somehow I want to have those "moments" back. That feeling where we would connect immensely is what has me hung up on her, its really stupid and probably relates to an addiction more than love sadly! Sometimes I think if I would get a piece of her again I might even say, wow this wasn't even as fun as I remembered it to be. I remember there was a part of me not even wanting the sex anymore because it wasn't worth all the problems that came with it.

Thanks man, I also think that this journey is really something to make us stronger. All my previous break ups in my life (I'm 27 had 5 serious relationships) were not as bad as this one but if I look back most of those past girls we're probably healthier for me what a paradox to miss someone unhealthy for you this much.

I can't WAIT to feel what it is to be with someone who drives me crazy in a positive way.

[letskeepitreal]

Point 1) If she can stop, drop, and roll into another relationship so easily, do you think you really impacted her in the same way she impacted you? Probably not, so try and think in terms of "Why should you want to share your heart and soul with someone does doesn't know their own heart and soul?" - sounds pretty dangerous to me! Her inadequacy is her projection - it has absolutely nothing to do with you. Not your fault at all. Try not to compare your way of thinking to her's. It's apples and oranges mate, you'll go mad trying to draw conclusions from her irrationality. Her logical processes are completely different to yours.  Don't do it, it's dangerous ground, you'll ruminate to no avail!

Point 2) I wouldn't be so sure. I did feel a great sense of shame after sending it. In fact it added on top of the complusion tobreaking NC because I wanted to apologise. I would only recommend if you are truely following out NC. Fortunately I have a therapist and good friends that I know to poke when things get a little hairy.

Point 3) Moot point, we both know it is probable she is filling an abandonment void by jumping ship. Anyway, how are you supposed to work on yourself if you're distracted by someone else? Also, who says that the new guy is willing to help with her issues? To me these seem to be a source of emotional manipulation. You assume she gained clarity in two week? Are you sure? Emotions are pretty messy... .See point 1

Point 4) read the lessons on NC if you haven't already. What you are feeling is human. What you're feeling is part of the greiving cycle. Yes that urge is strong. Yes it feels ___. Remember that most people in this forum are feeling the same so you're not alone. So what can you do? Try and write a list of pros and cons and re-read them when you're feeling weak. It'll remind you why you're maintaining NC. For your own sanity and welbeing. You remember a time when you once felt happy before the relationship - shall we get you there again? Think back to your past and create reference points in your mind of what it feels to be whole and happy before this relationship. Then use those reference points when you're feeling weak. Post whatever your thought are into this group .

Point 5) Sex is only one part of an large equation. Can I give you some tough love? Yeah it is stupid mate and you've answered your own question haha.

28 with 3 3+ year serious relationships. Like you this is my first brutal (I think) BPD relationship. As you said, paradoxically, the hardest one to leave... .and it only spanned 3 months! Absolute madness.

Haha, I can't wait either... though I won't go out and look for it. When it's there I will know, I know to trust my intuition now .

Definitely work on your own insecurities first before you find love. It's only fair on the both  of you.

[Subaru02]

Point 1) We would tend to believe their "ease" to roll into a new relationship that "easily" means that you had no impact but thats one of the characteristics of BPD, the fear of being alone / abandoned even if they initiate the leaving is what pushes them to quickly engage their emotions and needs in someone else. Whats interesting is when she came back after the first time she explained her whole thought process during which she left and entered her new relationship. She admitted it being a huge mess in her head, a pure distraction that became more and more painful as she found out her new guy was really not the person he lied about being. She gave him sh!t for not meeting her expectations and he ghosted her. She then admitted that after that month and a half of "being with him", all the things she had put off about the break up came rising and made her realise she was losing me for real. It was only too easy when someone else was filling the void. I think its the same thing this time around she didn't progress at all. I need to work on not caring or trying to understand her thought process, you are right its way different I just never sat down to realize it assuming she was thinking like me.

2) I think the E-mail would be a TEMPORARY RELIEF and that in the long run, taking the high road, maintaining NC and being the bigger person has so much more value. I know what I know and it belongs to me. It would feel good to get even, but the fact that I can control that urge and not do it will pay off in the long run, she'll probably remember how mean she was and how passive I decided to be while she devaluated me.

3) She's so convinced I'm the problem that she is definitely not working on herself at all, she tried to make me believe her life was better without me... she's the one who seems to think she had clarity in those 2 weeks I don't believe it its impossible thats barely enough time to realize you haven't seen someone in a while. I agree, its emotional manipulation I initially took it to heart and then started teasing her about the fact that she was repeating the same patterns again and she said "Yes but this time I am free of you"  sure.

4) Ya well NC 50 days is a nice achievement for me whether I'm doing it for the right reasons now or not I got there, and didn't reach out which is already a good step towards healing in my opinion. I understand it must not be used as a means to get them back OR to manipulate them into missing us but thats just a byproduct of it in some way. Being away from her in all ways possible is helping me focus on myself even if there are waves of low and high I start to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I see myself looking back and being thankful I'm away from her.

5) I bet if I had a new partner for sex that it would probably rid me of any jealousy or problem with her sleeping with another. I'm not going to look for one but I know when I do it'll probably be even better when we share a true bond.

[blueblue12]

I am with you on this subaru02, I have been on about 60 days NC and separated for about 6 months and now I have no desire to go back at all. Sure I miss her, and I do think about her daily, but she is not the person I thought she was and there is no way I want to go there again.

The devaluation stage was horrible, she was cruel and completely detached. Mind you she had discarded me and during that period unbeknown to me she had started a new relationship while still living together, but in her eyes “we were separated” so I guess that’s ok, oh yeah sure! Then after we parted she freaked! For two months she was trying to reach me, I did not respond.

We did get back after much pleading from her but the one recycle I was subjected to didn’t last long, then she started again trying to coach me back again as I was meant to be her “greatest love” but seriously how can you go back again though? Even if she said things like “I will do whatever you want, I am ready”

I don’t see it anymore... .I am much happier now, looking at my new life away from that chaos, drama and lies.

[Lost-love-mind]

. I wanted her out. Although this sounds horrendous I composed an email that attacked her very sense of self with the objective of painting me so black she'd never come back. I was firm and direct. Now, I will admit this is not my finest moment and the act is vindictive. I felt ashamed for sending it but I knew it was for the best for her and I. The responding email... .I saw the RAGE, she never fully raged before but now I saw it. The profanities were immense. Yes I know I triggered it but this email had more profanities than a Jim Jefferies sketch which is outrageous. After a few more heated emails it went dead with her having the last say of “___ YOU”.

Since that email 40 yonder days ago I have not heard back since. If she is already in a relationship, then more for the both of them. It really isn't my problem. Does it hurt for me to think that she's is potentially having sex with someone else? No, because I know sex for her has no intrinsic value and is merely a throw away tactic to fill the empty void that might be inside her. She's filling a void alright, but the wrong one . I console in the thought when I next copulate it will be with someone who is more real.

Seek comfort in the way you feel now is purely a reflection of the capacity of love you can give. Seek comfort that once you find that person who reciprocates in the same way you'll be happy. All of what you feel now is merely a journey to that destination and will only serve to direct you onto the right path .

Keep strong bro, you're worth much more!

Wow. The vindictive email. I did the same shortly after the BU and really feel guilty about it now. I told her (45 yrs old) that she acted like a teenager (time period in her past where she admitted advances from one of her mother's many BF's).
Her love bombing stage was filled with constant Luvy duvy texts - all day long, even while at work. She wore "pig tails" and dressed like a teen, to public events we attended.

However, sending such an email to a child like mind and diagnosing her mental illness is not our job. The focus needs to be on us.

After another 2 mos. I sent an apology email. What a vile reply I received. Attacking my family, my age (I'm 10 yrs older) and I only still cared because I was a loser with no life.

I still think of her daily and have delusional dreams that we could be good together, like the love bombing stage. That's nuts.

I have sought T and found out I have BPD tendencies (e.g. cyber stalking her after the BU, driving down her street to see if I have been replaced) and I use Narcissism as a defense mechanism to control people and prevent them from abandoning me. Stemming from my childhood of my father dying when I was 10, and a mother that was a hermit.

It hurts my ego to make that admission. But the healing process is not easy.

We need to learn to move on from our egos and make our life better. Many of you posting here are much younger than I. Use that time to fix the VOID inside yourselves

For me? At my age, 57, I must accept the axiom from the movie Caddyshack learned by Bill Murray's character after playing golf with the Dolly (sic) Llama: "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness."

[CloseToFreedom]

When arguments during various recycles and devaluations started escalating, I also received such vile e-mails that attacked everything about my core self and all the stuff I told her over the years in confidence.

A personal anecdote about suicide? "I hope you hang yourself again."

The fact that I started my own company this year and a few weeks ago she was so proud about that? "You haven't achieved anything in life, you're a sorry excuse of a human."

Etcetera.

When you are truly painted black they are so hurtful and childish in emails (or text, whatever is the place where you haven't blocked them yet). When you want to respond with logic or defense, they just counter with childish behaviour: "I'm not reading your emails anyway so go stalk someone else" and "hahahaha, your pathetic emails are just funny to me. I'm going out to party, bye".

It's insane. Its quite painful. This I heard 2,5 weeks ago from someone who just a few weeks before that recycled me and told me that she never stopped thinking about me in the years apart, that I'm the person in the world she trusts the most. From hero to zero. Painted fully black.

Its 2,5 weeks later and Im suddenly unblocked everywhere again. A new attempt to a recycle might come up soon, it might come up months down the road. All I know is I have to ready myself and be strong enough and remember the pain this person put me through, so that I will never go through it again. I'm not very religious, but Im literally praying to God to support me and defend me from worse things happening. Or like my parents say:  "continue with her and you'll end up in a mental ward, having lost everything, and she'll be laughing about it and going on with her life".

[Subaru02]

It still is unbelieavable to me. When I read how you guys have been through that childish behavior IT STINGS ME INSIDE to see that I'm not alone I wasn't crazy to be completely "What the heck" about it... but the thing is I always noticed her way of thinking and reflecting that were way under our age and those were the subjects of our fights in the first place!

I would get upset and say "How can you not realize that what you are doing is childish" but now that she devaluating me, those irrational replies still completely knock me off balance because they ARE so childish. That "evading" personality that ALWAYS finds a really immature way of making sure they can bury a problem under the rug and make it feel like you were never important, I think its like it feels good to them to make you feel as low as them for a certain amount of time. And it worked! It was cruel, horrible. She did it twice, there is definitely a pattern there and it sickens me !

Raul, " The devaluation stage was horrible, she was cruel and completely detached. Mind you she had discarded me and during that period unbeknown to me she had started a new relationship while still living together, but in her eyes “we were separated” so I guess that’s ok, oh yeah sure! Then after we parted she freaked! For two months she was trying to reach me, I did not respond. "

Yes ! She justified the first time saying "Ya but we were separated... .its none of your business" COME ON! You got in bed with him DAYS after breakup talk about mourning a loss! Thats all we were worth to you? She was even backing away from me from any physical contact when I was talking to her fearing something "unfaithful" would happen for the new guy what a disordered person she now thinks she deserved to be faithful to HIM ? Its crazy! Your next part on how she freaks out when she's the one doing the dirty work is also true. The first time she left I saw her facebook messages with my replacement and she didn't know so I surprised her and emptied all my drawers at her place and left with my clothes and stuff. SHE FREAKED she wasn't ready to discard me I had beat her at her own game, I should have sticked to it she was lying again to say that their conversations were purely platonic which they were at that moment but still she had an agenda. The second time she left, I went NC and agreed to the breakup without a fuss, she freaked, she was trying to figure out how I could let her go so easily. When I found out she had left for someone else again, I then became nothing she stopped freaking. Its such a dirty disorder.

I ended up getting back with her, didn't know anything about BPD and still loved her. The second time she found a replacement and left (months ago) she said the same things again ! "I found someone to treat me right, I need to work on myself with another" and "Its none of your business we were separated" LOL!

So at 50 days of NC, I can say that I see her for what she is, I have no desire to "be" with her I always feel like I need to parent her when I'm with her, it took its toll at first it was cute but then I got sick of it. In a relationship to be interdependant its fun when your partner can also help you when you're feeling down and need support but she seems to think it needs to come from me solely. I would probably be able to refuse any sexual advances at this point because for some reason my sexual attraction for her dropped over NC I don't find her that attractive and now that she's been with other men she can continue to do so.

I remember when I was a kid/teen, I would fight with my parents and tell them I hated them or that I didn't want to live at home anymore, I've even left home and spent a couple months away to air things out and then I'd feel guilty about being mean even if they did nasty things, being devaluating to someone who has not been perfect but still has been there for you for a long period of time deserves an apology. And I can see how it relates well to a BPD person talking from such an immature and childish perspective, it really shows how their emotional and spiritual self have been arrested in childhood somewhere.

I still need to heal the devaluation. Knowing she thinks that of me and that her reasons for leaving are based on all the mean things she said to me when I confronted her about the replacement, it still hurts me that she can't see all I've done for her. Seeing you all regret sending vindictive letters I will refrain from that as there seems to be a whole lot of guilt involved for a short period of feeling like she deserved it.

If anything at all she'll be the one to end up feeling guilty for being dishonest/devaluating over emotions/and being outright cruel for no justifiable reason.

My wild guess is that since she doesn't notice her patterns, since she doesn't realize she repeats cycles and hasn't learned about any of this psycology material she might even have the need to reach out again when whatever she's up to right now fails and she gets another "down" in her life and remembers I was always the one to fall back to when that happened.

At that point I'll try to be strong enough to be the bigger person, I'll listen to her problems which will allow me to assess she hasn't changed and I won't even need to remind her how mean she was, I'll understand on my own that it all surpassed her ability to control her emotions in a mature way.  The interesting thing if that happens is I'll be strong enough to prevent any recycling, but atleast we will be on better terms than NC and blocked by me, which would be the perfect situation.

[Lost-love-mind]

When arguments during various recycles and devaluations started escalating, I also received such vile e-mails that attacked everything about my core self and all the stuff I told her over the years in confidence.

A personal anecdote about suicide? "I hope you hang yourself again."

The fact that I started my own company this year and a few weeks ago she was so proud about that? "You haven't achieved anything in life, you're a sorry excuse of a human."

Etcetera.

When you are truly painted black they are so hurtful and childish in emails (or text, whatever is the place where you haven't blocked them yet). When you want to respond with logic or defense, they just counter with childish behaviour:

Close T Free
Are you sure we didn't date the same woman?

Exact same responses about me being a sorry human and suicide encouragement "drink yourself to death".

Uncanny. Almost exactly identical.

[Subaru02]

I remember telling her it would take me a while to get over the bull___ she did to me and she replied "Just take a trip somewhere to forget"

[letskeepitreal]

Hey guys,

I just wanted to check in with you and see what your opinion is on the following:

NC started ~40+ days ago and during this time I have rekindled my passion for latin dance taking regular weekly classes in an effort to keep my mind distracted, reskill myself socially and practice latin dance. I am grateful I never have any problems attracting beautiful women. At dance I've had several women give me their phone numbers and even though we would talk I never felt inclined to flirt nor did I composed myself in such a way. Not having the inclination to flirt is something I have not experienced before and it is a little concerning. Also, I am not too enthusiastic replying to their texts, again very unlike me.  I have also noticed my libido is flat lining even when faced with beautiful women, again definitely unlike me.

Is this something members of this forum have experienced?
What are/was your method returning your emotional baseline?

It's really pants because I feel if I can find the enthusiasm to engage in a "good" distraction I would move on faster leaving these horrible feelings behind. In the past this has worked.

Thoughts?

[Subaru02]

Ever since my situation, my libido has flatlined a lot, I haven't been as interested in flirting and have lost interest in women in general unless they approach me. I reply to their messages normally but I mean I'm not in a hurry to get anywhere. I'm at 52 days.

Its probably normal, I guess these relationships have drained us so much its hard to just get back on the horse.

[letskeepitreal]

Ever since my situation, my libido has flatlined a lot, I haven't been as interested in flirting and have lost interest in women in general unless they approach me. I reply to their messages normally but I mean I'm not in a hurry to get anywhere. I'm at 52 days.

Its probably normal, I guess these relationships have drained us so much its hard to just get back on the horse.

It is emotional burnout. Don't be so hard on yourself though. Are you making any steps to regain your footing? What are they?

[Subaru02]

Lots of things are happening that are emotionally and mentally burning me out, work, most people will say "go out, be with people socialize" but in my case, I've actually found a lot of resolve in being a lone at home in the quiet of my place. I take a shower when I get home from my week of work and cook myself something healthy and I just get off my phone, and relax. I feel replenished after my weekend.

This breakup made me realize I also needed to cleanse my social circle from negativity, I visit my parents less often they have a very negative atmosphere at home I don't miss living there. They also have what I consider now to be an unhealthy relationship in general. I think this has also screwed my vision of what a healthy loving relationship looks like sadly and having had a partner that is VERY fragile to being treated like a princess I was raised differently. I think sometimes even though my ex partner had her issues, I contributed to triggering them by being overly honest and direct about my feelings and needs. She often felt like she couldn't be what I needed and I felt her slip as I tried to get closer in my own way. Its harder to get over something when you keep believing you had the biggest role in the failure. I can't stop thinking I could have done things differently, I guess I keep idealizing her, and devaluating myself without remembering how upset she made me in a daily basis its sickening at times. I've also reduced contact with some friends that I realize are indifferent to my presence, some of them actually came out of nowhere and noticed my absence, others seem they couldn't care less, its a lot of work to improve your social circle, get over a breakup with someone unhealthy and focus on your objectives in life which are still unclear.

It took many weaks but I realized that my relationship felt like I was hanging onto something that was going nowhere, afraid to be alone, but afraid of the future too. I was sitting in a broken down bus waiting for something to happen. Deep down I knew I was at a place where time stood still with her and that couldn't work forever, but I wasn't ready to budge I gave up on trying to change her but couldn't pick up my things and end it. Ultimately her leaving if I analyse the details, the way she did it and how she treated me on her way out is horrible, cruel yes and I wish it on no one, but this time alone allowed me to "zoom out" and see the forest instead of the trees.

I can own up to me having an attitude of "Why are you so childish, why can't we discuss as adults, why do you react like a child everytime an issue arises, don't you see I've got my flaws but I'm trying to work with you?" that lead her to feel like she wasn't worth anything to me. Its like you can't get through to them but she missed out on the big heart I had for her. She never saw it, I couldn't open up to someone that was living life on the surface of everything there was no depth in any of her thoughts her actions it was all based on surface decisions. Just like the breakup...

So yeah, I just have to accept I was dumping time/energy/my heart down a black well. Its hard to explain she was so receptive at first, I felt I really was connected to someone but I Realize that's typical of someone with BPD, the idealization.

When she left for the first guy, "he was so amazing, he was so nice to her, he was so "fun" and funny and partying" and I was the boring one because I was serious, I had my stuff together, I was strict and disciplined about my life, studying engineering and looking towards a bright future while he was a complete dork, she chose him over me didn't last long, and then came crawling back saying he was a faded image of me and that I was such a better guy and she had made a terrible mistake, and I was weak enough to believe a second chance would be better with her after we had poured our hearts out... .I still hate myself for it but it was an experience I guess shows I can forgive, and restore my faith into a person who's betrayed me, love can go a long way.

So for restoring my footing as in restoring myself? Well yeah I eat healthier and spend more time trying to pick out tasty healthy things to cook I like cooking, I invest more of my time in reading about a lot of psycology, life improvement, self help and positive thinking. It has made noticeable change in my attitude towards people, friends and family. I have learned over the past months to open up more to people and stop fearing that I will look vulnerable. I've hit the gym a lot and gained a lot of muscle and feel much better about myself. But mostly I realized I needed that precious time to myself, the quiet

Somehow my gut feeling knows I'll be happier down the road, it really sucks in the moment to imagine her with a new person so quickly.

[Lost-love-mind]

It took many weaks but I realized that my relationship felt like I was hanging onto something that was going nowhere, afraid to be alone, but afraid of the future too. I was sitting in a broken down bus waiting for something to happen. Deep down I knew I was at a place where time stood still with her and that couldn't work forever, but I wasn't ready to budge I gave up on trying to change her but couldn't pick up my things and end it. Ultimately her leaving if I analyse the details, the way she did it and how she treated me on her way out is horrible, cruel yes and I wish it on no one, but this time alone allowed me to "zoom out" and see the forest instead of the trees.

I can own up to me having an attitude of "Why are you so childish, why can't we discuss as adults, why do you react like a child everytime an issue arises, don't you see I've got my flaws but I'm trying to work with you?" that lead her to feel like she wasn't worth anything to me. Its like you can't get through to them but she missed out on the big heart I had for her.

She never saw it, I couldn't open up to someone that was living life on the surface of everything there was no depth in any of her thoughts her actions it was all based on surface decisions. Just like the breakup...

So yeah, I just have to accept I was dumping time/energy/my heart down a black well. Its hard to explain she was so receptive at first, I felt I really was connected to someone but I Realize that's typical of someone with BPD, the idealization.

Yes, I see your analysis as exactly applicable to my ex pwBPD. I separated your word into a separate paragraph to emphasize the feeling of "no substance" during my last day spent with her.
Afterwards, she refused to talk on the phone or meet me. All texting or email. All "surface" analysis and gas lighting my actions as 'it's all about you're.
If she wanted out, it certainly could have been more constructive, more adult. e
Oh no. Not with the childish attitude.
Let it go. You cannot reason with a child pwBPD.
Futile.

[Subaru02]

The rational understands what the heart suffers in non acceptance

[SuperJew82]

I too have the curse of being ridiculously good-looking and I'm always trying to escape from beautiful women trying to seduce me. :P

Regardless of that - being a few months out NC myself, I don't have the motivation to actively seek out another relationship - even though I ultimately would like to find companionship. 

My stories are nearly identical except I had put my foot down first and left ( before she sabotaged our relationship again )

I wish I did have motivation for this - but it's just not there yet. I think I'm emotionally frazzled and need time to heal. Life has been so much better now. I'm not carrying the weight around me anymore. My anxiety is beginning to normalize. I'm able to focus at work. I'm not addicted to the pinging sounds of her texting me a thousand times a day and the childish arguments.

[Lost-love-mind]

I too have the curse of being ridiculously good-looking and I'm always trying to escape from beautiful women trying to seduce me. :P

, I don't have the motivation to actively seek out another relationship - even though I ultimately would like to find companionship. 

My anxiety is beginning to normalize. I'm able to focus at work. I'm not addicted to the pinging sounds of her texting me a thousand times a day and the childish arguments.

Texting "pinging" sound?
Mine was the "sexy whistle" downloaded for her text notification sound.
My T said that made my addiction to her even worse. Add the fact that the woman prior to my ex pwBPD rarely Texted me and never took me out of the "friend zone" and I craved the attention.
The attention and teenage like "Luvy dovy" messages sucked me into her web.
After our first BU she had the audacity to say in an e-mail that I must need "constant contact" for a relationship.
I'm so tired of thinking about this and should stop looking at these postings. But they remind me of what is waiting if I were to be recycled. She has not responded to a recent email I sent thanking her for opening my eyes to my issues.
That's right. Looking at my issues in the BU. She accused me of narcissism. Which I resisted. I read up on "sudden unexpected " BU's and was led to BPD. I accused her of the symptoms traced back to her childhood that she shared very early on in our r/s.
I focused too much on her issues. That left me in the abyss of depression. When I started looking at my part, MY ISsues, then I started to see what it was that kept me addicted to her.
My T gave me an analysis that included BPD tendancy due to my fear of abandonment. With NPD used as a defense mechanism to "control", not to prove I was better, but to prevent them from abandoning me.
Now I need to get out of my guilt stage and forgive myself. Stop looking for validation through women.
I'm out of dating sites and will let a meeting happen, if at all, naturally.

Unlike like SJ, I'm an average looking guy and barely attract a smile from women I do meet. It's not a priority.
SJ - narcissism? It takes one to know one. Lol. keep it cool my tribal brother!

[letskeepitreal]

Texting "pinging" sound?
Mine was the "sexy whistle" downloaded for her text notification sound.
My T said that made my addiction to her even worse. Add the fact that the woman prior to my ex pwBPD rarely Texted me and never took me out of the "friend zone" and I craved the attention.
The attention and teenage like "Luvy dovy" messages sucked me into her web.
After our first BU she had the audacity to say in an e-mail that I must need "constant contact" for a relationship.
I'm so tired of thinking about this and should stop looking at these postings. But they remind me of what is waiting if I were to be recycled. She has not responded to a recent email I sent thanking her for opening my eyes to my issues.
That's right. Looking at my issues in the BU. She accused me of narcissism. Which I resisted. I read up on "sudden unexpected " BU's and was led to BPD. I accused her of the symptoms traced back to her childhood that she shared very early on in our r/s.
I focused too much on her issues. That left me in the abyss of depression. When I started looking at my part, MY ISsues, then I started to see what it was that kept me addicted to her.
My T gave me an analysis that included BPD tendancy due to my fear of abandonment. With NPD used as a defense mechanism to "control", not to prove I was better, but to prevent them from abandoning me.
Now I need to get out of my guilt stage and forgive myself. Stop looking for validation through women.
I'm out of dating sites and will let a meeting happen, if at all, naturally.

Unlike like SJ, I'm an average looking guy and barely attract a smile from women I do meet. It's not a priority.
SJ - narcissism? It takes one to know one. Lol. keep it cool my tribal brother!

I think SJ is being sarcastic.
I felt I like I had disorder after the final BU. I asked my T if she thought I was or any tendancies. Maybe ask your T?

How many times did you recycle?