He may be coming back to town.

[anna58]

I haven't posted in a while. He left 5 1/2 months ago. The only communication was early on--an online messaging back and forth as a final conversation about the relationship ending. Then a couple of brief emails.  I've done fairly well, certainly relieved not to be under the stress, the control, and the black cloud.  Though I miss have a partner to share my life with, and I miss some things specifically about him.

The news is this: we have a mutual friends here. He introduced me to them, a couple who are stable, have wonderful kids and grandkids. They just haven't figured out the depth of exBPD's disorder. They support me in not letting him into my house, etc. But the guy, a man I like a lot, is close friends with ex-BPD.

The awkward part is that they don't "get it" in terms of the severity of the narc/BPD and the abuse. They probably can't get it, and I accept that. It is uncomfortable sometimes when I get together with them though. I feel a bit alien, knowing what I know.  That said, they are such warm and good friends, inviting me to family events, dinner, etc.

Today I got an email from my friends saying that it looks like my ex-BPD (my ex but still a BPD:) is sounding like he is getting ready to return to our town and to keep my eye out for rentals. There is a lot wrong with that, as you can imagine.

The backstory is that ex-BPD repeats the cycle of finding a woman and using her to live with while he is charming but never commits to a relationship; the woman falls for him of course (that's me, and the woman he is staying with now in Europe). He hates it here for the holidays because my family won't allow him to join them and it has caused me and everyone great upset. He should stay where he is an join his woman in Europe who has welcoming friends/family. Why does he want to return now?

My friends pointed out that his previous email to them stated he'd drop by here to pick up his car which is at their house and go to his "home" in LA. Now, he is thinking of coming to my small-ish town that he never liked. He is all over the map literally and figuratively.

I can't imagine he will come here as long as I stay silent and distant. But I could be wrong. He followed me here to the town I am in, from across the country. He was here because of me.  He never made it his home though it's the only place he has had to call home. He always moves around the country from woman to woman and exploits them.

Is there anything proactive I need to do/say? Or just remain silent?

Thank you!

[Mutt]

HI anna58,



I think that I would feel unease hearing that my ex is possibly going to be living in my vicinity again, especially when things have stabilized and life has returned to normal - who wants chaos? Not to mention that no one in my vicinity see his crazy making behavior, I would feel isolated.

Are you worried that he is going to say things about you around town or that he is going to show up at your door or both?

[Insom]

Hi, anna58!  I'm sorry you are going through this and can relate.  It sounds like you're considering silence as a strategy to protect yourself?  I agree that may be a good tactic if you're seeking to disengage and would recommend against any pro-active communications (which is a strategy that worked for me in similar situation).   

[anna58]

Insom, why do u recommend not doing proactive communication? You mentioned it worked in hour case. Thank you

Mutt, I am not worried he will say things around town. I am worried I will see him or want to see him if he is in town.

[Insom]

Well, eighteen months after I left my BPD-ex to live in a new city, he called me to tell me he was planning to move there and, oh, by the way, since he was in neighborhood would I like to meet up?  Eighteen months was just long enough for me to feel surprised to hear from him, but not long enough to not feel threatened.  Somehow I gathered presence of mind to decline invitation.  Thankfully he had obtained only my phone number and not my physical address so I didn't have to deal with him on my doorstep.  That was our last contact. 

If I knew he was on his way to me ahead of time and tried to pre-empt, it's possible things could have turned out really differently.  I'm not sure what his motivation was/why he reached out to me in that moment?  But for whatever reason, good or ill, I was still pretty vulnerable.  If I'd reached out to him for any reason in that window of time, things could have gone very differently because that dynamic would have been different than the one that took place.

Does this make sense?  What I'm saying is that if you reach out to pre-empt you're engaging him/initiating something on his level and by doing so you open yourself to all manner of possibilities.  If you lay low there's a better chance he'll get the message "nothing to see here" and move on. 

Do you know what you want re: contact with him?  Are you done or is there another chapter?


 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey anna, From what I gather, your BPDx hasn't contacted you, so I am uncertain why you feel the need to do/say anything.  Part of your anxiety may be a function of trying to control something (your Ex and his decision about where to live) over which you have no control.  Suggest you consult the Serenity Prayer.

Concerning your mutual friends, maybe you need to be more proactive/assertive with them in terms of your boundaries?  E.g., "I'm uncomfortable hearing from you about my Ex, because it brings back painful memories," or something like that.

LuckyJim

[anna58]

Thank you, Lucky Jim and Insom. Good advice and thoughts. It helped me realize that I don't need to do anything. It was fear of his contacting me or coming to town that got me going. But right now, there is nothing happening and he hasn't contacted me. So, I will go on with my life. I am still vulnerable and will need more time to get over this phase.   I'm in a place where I feel a combination of feeling lonely and fear of the chaos that ensues when he is around. Icky combination. 

[Insom]

FWIW, here is another piece of my story.  A few days prior to my BPD-ex reaching out to me that last time I met the man who eventually became my husband.  We weren't in a relationship yet, but we'd met and I felt drawn to him.  If I'd responded differently to my BPD-ex in that moment, either by initiating contact with him to pre-empt, or by going in for another round of relationship with him, it very likely would have derailed the new relationship that I now value so much & see as one of the great blessings in my life.

There's a nice thread about relationship needs over on the "Learning from Wounds" board you may want to check out. 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=316431.0

I'm in a place where I feel a combination of feeling lonely and fear of the chaos that ensues when he is around. Icky combination.

So, it sounds like your feelings about this person are complicated (I get it).  Do you have a plan for what you'd do/say if he DOES reach out?

[anna58]

Insom,
 I haven't been on this board in months, and just read your post from November. I felt so calm and strengthened by what you wrote. Thank you.



Anna