Mom just moved out - just found out she has cancer

[LittleBlueTruck]

I'm really having a hard time keeping my head above water right now. My mom moved out on Saturday. She has been complaining about some vague symptoms for a couple years now but it has been beyond impossible to get her to a doctor and signed up for Medicare. I don't think she's been to the doctor in decades. It was a constant source of stress and actually one of my breaking points that sent me to a therapist.

She moved in with my brother who immediately took her to the doctor. That in itself was disorienting and shocking to me that she agreed to go with him after the incredible struggle she put up with me.

The doctor examined her and said they have to wait for biopsy results but there was enough necrotic tissue in her cervix that he's fairly certain it is cancer. The symptoms track what she's been complaining about. She was overjoyed at the news. Sent me a few messages saying she's so happy not to be a burden to her kids and how she is finally "free."

I feel like I have been in a constant, severe dissociative state since this happened. I am going back and forth between logically telling myself I tried very hard to get her to a doctor and short of having her committed, i couldn't have tried harder. But a lot of guilt is creeping in and feeling preemptively defensive thinking that family members will come after me. I cannot wrap my mind around the part where she might die. She has indicated she will not agree to any medical care and wants to die. I don't know what to think or feel.

I didn't go to work yesterday or today and don't feel like I have the energy to get off the couch. I'm hurting for my kids, the oldest one is still healing from our dog dying a couple months ago. He's going to be devasted. His heart hurts that she moved out. Then this.

I don't know why I'm posting. I just want to stop dissociating.

[Harri]

Hi LittleBlue.  I am so sorry you are hurting and dissociating right now. 

Let's get some perspective here by looking at what we know about your mother.  She is uBPD, a very manipulative woman who has dysfunctional behaviors (to say the least) took total advantage of you and your family, played the victim to the hilt, twisted things all around until you were cooking separate 'special' meals for her, you bought a bigger house to satisfy her... .and on and on.

I am not saying that to remind you of all you did for her, though I hope you do.  I am saying that because she has played you and yours time and again (whether deliberate or not it does not matter).  There is a good chance this played into her willingness to go to the doctor at your brothers request now... .after what? 2 years of refusing basic medical care at your request/suggestion/pleas?  If she had been with your brother for the last couple of years and then you offered to take her in, and she moved I think the chances are pretty high that she would have gone to the doctor at your request.  No?

If your siblings say anything about it to you, simply reply "thank God she finally consented to see a doctor.  I tried and she refused.  I am glad you were able to get through to her, thank you" 

This is 100% your mothers responsibility.  Give it right back to her.  be compassionate, concerned, grieve if you feel it, but do not take responsibility for something that is not yours to own.

I would be swearing, crying and eating something bad.  Not sure how you cope... .go beat up a pillow or something.  And make an appointment with your T.  I assume this is touching some very deep places.  It would for anyone in your situation.  Take care of you please.

[Turkish]

That would be brutal enough to learn... .her messages drive it deeper... .I'm sorry she is doing that to you and your family.  On the one hand,  people as individual entities have the right to do with their lives whatever they wish.  On the other hand,  being cruel isn't a right,  and hurting others is wrong. 

I'm not sure if the right thing to do is to validate "I want to die." Messaging you seems kind of Queen-Waif.  In your shoes I'd want to process this,  but if you want to work on asserting communication boundaries,  we all can help, LBT.

T

[No-One]

LittleBlueTruck:
I'm so sorry about your mom's diagnosis.  I can understand how your thoughts and feelings would tend to run wild at this time.

I am going back and forth between logically telling myself I tried very hard to get her to a doctor and short of having her committed, i couldn't have tried harder. But a lot of guilt is creeping in and feeling preemptively defensive thinking that family members will come after me. I cannot wrap my mind around the part where she might die. She has indicated she will not agree to any medical care and wants to die. I don't know what to think or feel.

Why do you think that other family members "will come after your"?  Why should you have more responsibility than other family members?  You aren't responsible for any of your mom's avoidance of health care.  You don't have control over her.

One logic is that refusing to get treatment for mental health issues can be equal to not seeing a doctor for other health issues.  I'm thinking that she likely hasn't seen a psychologist or psychiatrist for her mental health issues? 

Perhaps you and your brother can discuss the situation and pursue getting a mental evaluation for her.  If it's determined that she isn't of sound mind, family may be able to get involved with decisions and become informed of the options.  If someone is already named on a medical power of attorney, perhaps it could be used if a medical professional deems that she is not fit to make health decisions at this time.