How to deal with an older sister that is BPD

[Ipobae]

ftp://How to deal with an older sister that is BPD.Recently my older sister came for a visit. She had a huge blow up at me because she broke my computer and I put it away. She then screamed at the top of her  Voice about what a terrible person I was and came out on my porch screaming in front of my neighbors. I eventually had to leave the house because I did not want to participate in her outburst. She tried to call me once but it was not an apology it was further insults. She has not called since then and now I am grieving The relationship. I am considering not having any contact with her. I don’t feel it is my place to call her. I just need some opinions and handling the situation.Would this be me setting boundaries or would it be me acting like a BPD person?

[ColdArrow]

If she has BPD, then there's not much you can do for her.  You can try,  as I do with my sister,  and try and try.  Unfortunately, they usually feel the problem is with others, not themselves.  My sister is in her 60's and I don't ever remember her voicing an honest apology for any hurt caused, much less actually try to change the behavior.   What I can tell you is that there IS help and support for YOU.   The more research you do, the more support you receive from groups and forums such as this one, the better YOU will be able to cope.  Living with a BPD family member is a rough ride.  You have to develop a thick skin and learn to dance around the verbal land mines... .pick your battles... .and get support when you can.  Yes, that may mean avoiding contact for awhile.  Yes, that definitely means setting boundaries because if she's anything like my older BPD sister,  boundaries don't exist where you are concerned.  You have to put your foot down and let her know what is not acceptable.   Not the most upbeat answer to your question, I know,  but taking care of you and how you approach your sister  is really the only thing you can control.   

[Panda39]

Hi Ipobae,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

I'm sorry about the broken computer and the blow up following, that's absolutely no fun (putting it mildly  ). Clearly your sister was unable to manage her emotions and was projecting her bad feelings towards herself about the broken computer on to you.

... .I eventually had to leave the house because I did not want to participate in her outburst.

Leaving a bad situation is a good idea, staying and getting into an argument would have just escalated the situation.

... .I am considering not having any contact with her. I don’t feel it is my place to call her. I just need some opinions and handling the situation.Would this be me setting boundaries or would it be me acting like a BPD person?

I think this would be setting a boundary if you are doing it for your own protection and peace of mind.  I think this would be unhealthy if you are doing it to punish your sister.

I also want to point out that there are lots of levels of contact with your sister between her dominating your life and never seeing her again.  You could go no contact for a little while and seek support from a Therapist (or from members here) on better ways to interact with your sister... .take a time out, you could keep your contact via email or phone and not spend time with her in person for awhile, you could visit with her briefly in public places (out to lunch or for some coffee), you could have her over again but have a boundary around yelling at you... .if she yells you leave or she has to leave etc.


More on boundaries... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

I'm really glad you decided to jump in and post    I know you will find the members and information on this site helpful just as I have.

Take Care,
Panda39