Adult daughter with BPD refuses to let me see my granddaughter

[Mocha412]

 Hi everyone
 This is my first post.  I am very very sad because my adult daughter who is 37 and has a three-year-old -  my first grandchild  -  is having a severe "episode". I guess I call them episodes because in between these episodes she can behave very normally and be very functional.  Usually an episode occurs during a break up with her boyfriend.  Three years ago she had a child with her current boyfriend and now they are breaking up.  I tried to help her by letting her live in my house for four months but it ended in disaster with her accusing me of lying,  being mean to her, and being "toxic."  She asked me to lie to the police for her but I would not.  I told her I was too hard for me watching her daughter full-time all day every day and she promised to get help for me but she didn't do it and I had to do it.  I am at home with a disability.  The disability is severe spine problems and frequent migraine headaches from it.  But my BPD daughter would only get angry if I couldn't watch my grand child 14 hours a day while she slept in and then went to work. I did all the cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping and childcare and it wore me out. But she didn't see it, naturally. She blamed me for every angry and unpleasant feeling she had. My son told me she was abusing me and that woke me up. One day she got angry at me for something - I still don't know what it was -  and she stormed off  with her child.  She told me I'm evil and toxic and I will never see my granddaughter again!  This hurt me so much especially in light of how much I had helped her out during this rough patch in her life.  I felt like I was trying to protect my granddaughter from her mother's mental illness but I just couldn't.  I had to detach to protect my own mental health.  I had to ask my daughter to stop texting me and emailing me because all she would do is abuse me in every text and email.
 Anyway it's a very sad time for me and if anyone has any advice I would love to hear it.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[LifeinOZ]

Mocha,
Welcome to a VERY sad club.  I recently posted that I wasn't allowed to see my 3 grandkids either. Someone very kindly referred me to the website for Alienated Grandparents Anonymous. I googled it and found a ton of articles and support from people like us.

I've also been in therapy and the one thing my therapist keeps emphasizing is making sure I'm taking care of my health - both physical and mental. (therapy, yoga, walking outside, eating right, seeing friends, taking vitamins, whatever it is that keeps you healthy!) So - it sounds like you did what was best for your overall healthy. If your daughter would have continued to live with you - the abuse would have continued, and that can't be good for your health!

My stepdaughter cut us out because she didn't want her dad to give his sister away at her wedding. And when he did (in honor of his father) she texted us and told us pretty much we are done and can't see the kids - they will all be just fine without us. It has been a month. It's already getting a little easier each day. While I miss the kids, is it really good for them to see her in such a twist? And for the time being, we seem to be the cause of her twist! Of course, not really, because her mind won't stay in one place very long and she will find a new villain to put her in a twist. I pray for them.

I read "Walking on Eggshells" and it all boils down to this: there is a silent (and sometimes not so silent agreement) that the BPD's feelings/wants/needs are always more important than yours. You have every right in the world to take care of yourself - and it is up to you to make sure you do!

Sending hugs and warm wishes. I know the hardest part is missing your grandchild... .keep coming here, there is a lot of understanding.