Clear sight of a BPD relationship

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've just returned from a trip and while I was away I dined with a man who was staying at the same hotel.

Over the course of five dinners he told me something of his past. He was well-boundaried, clear sighted and self-aware. I am also well-boundaried nowadays and was reticent about my past.

As we got to know each other a little better he told me that, seventeen years ago, he'd had a relationship with a BPD woman. This is what he told me of his experience:

That a BPD person takes your heart and your mind and turns them inside out. That you are left doubting yourself. They are like molten wax; one day in one form, the next in another - leaving you confused about who you are and who they are. One day they are going to do something, the next day not, the following day they change their mind again. They are like a stage conjurer: a puff of smoke and they have disappeared - only to reappear, sometimes as someone else. They have a void to fill, while you are being idealised your role in their life is to fill it. That we need to understand why we became involved, self-examination is crucial for recovery but that a relationship with a BPD changes you forever.

I did not want to pursue the conversation in depth, and I just mentioned that I had had similar experiences in a BPD relationship. But this fleeting encounter with a man who eloquently described his, and my experiences - the similarities - was refreshing for me. It was the first time I'd met someone who could look back and see things clearly and dispassionately and voice them to me. Somehow it was more powerful than reading of others' experiences.

So thought I'd share this with you and hope his description resonates, and helps.

[troisette]

I've just returned from a trip and while I was away I dined with a man who was staying at the same hotel.

Over the course of five dinners he told me something of his past. He was well-boundaried, clear sighted and self-aware. I am also well-boundaried nowadays and was reticent about my past.

As we got to know each other a little better he told me that, seventeen years ago, he'd had a relationship with a BPD woman. This is what he told me of his experience:

That a BPD person takes your heart and your mind and turns them inside out. That you are left doubting yourself. They are like molten wax; one day in one form, the next in another - leaving you confused about who you are and who they are. One day they are going to do something, the next day not, the following day they change their mind again. They are like a stage conjurer: a puff of smoke and they have disappeared - only to reappear, sometimes as someone else. They have a void to fill, while you are being idealised your role in their life is to fill it. That we need to understand why we became involved, self-examination is crucial for recovery but that a relationship with a BPD changes you forever.

I did not want to pursue the conversation in depth, and I just mentioned that I had had similar experiences in a BPD relationship. But this fleeting encounter with a man who eloquently described his, and my experiences - the similarities - was refreshing for me. It was the first time I'd met someone who could look back and see things clearly and dispassionately and voice them to me. Somehow it was more powerful than reading of others' experiences.

So thought I'd share this with you and hope his description resonates, and helps.

[MeandThee29]

That's quite a description in a sad way.

Only three months out from separation now, and I see how we were indeed on perpetually shifting sand. I'm doing mostly well despite sometimes waking up at night overwhelmed. My two college kids are doing great too, in some ways better than I am.

[Pretty Woman]

Troisette,
   Great description and what an amazing encounter. We learn so much meeting people under the most bizarre circumstances!

BPD relationships are very confusing. You start to doubt who you are or who you THOUGHT you were. You believe all the horrible things you are being told about yourself. The BPD relationships opens old wounds you have never addressed. It practically rips off your epidermis and leaves you exposed, vulnerable to everything.

Being vulnerable is scary to many. Being vulnerable while wounded, trying to navigate unfamiliar waters alone... .daunting, hard.

I don't know what kind of support you had when your relationship ended. My friends and family had been through the rollercoaster with me and could not understand why I wasn't "getting over it".

I wasn't getting over it because it was much deeper.

They aren't kidding when they say you need to love YOURSELF first. When you love who you are, faults and all you won't be effected by words.

Words are just that. They do not define you or your worth.

We allow our exes to determine our value when in many cases our lives are substantially better. We DO have real friends, we DO have good jobs, money saved.

Our exes are not to be envied or put on this pedestal we have thrusted them upon. They did not ask for the adulation from us. We gave that to them.

Just as easily we can take that power back for ourselves.

Thank you for sharing this!

[once removed]

self-examination is crucial for recovery but that a relationship with a BPD changes you forever.

id agree with this statement but i think it can change us in either more or less helpful ways.

That a BPD person takes your heart and your mind and turns them inside out. That you are left doubting yourself.

heres the thing. at the end of the day we are talking about people that as a rule have severe relationship skills deficits. if we conclude that such a person has the ability to turn our mind and turn it inside out, and to make us doubt ourselves, what stops such a thing from happening again? do we have any say over that?

[troisette]

Thanks for your comments. I found the encounter helpful - the first time I'd heard someone else's story with clear perspective.

Pretty Woman; no, I didn't have much support. Friends did not understand my ruminations, apart from one who, at the time, was deeply enmeshed in a BPD relationship. So our discussions were laden with emotion and not much clear sight. Professional help via specialist hypnotherapy did help. As, strangely, did a brief recycle, two years after I ended the first relationship. I'd read and lot and understood more but had been NC for almost two years and began to wonder if I'd somehow overthought his behaviour. The recycle proved to me that I hadn't and confirmed that he has pronounced traits of quiet BPD, together with narcissistic traits. I didn't know about BPD when I was with him, it was mentioned to me by an acquaintance who is a psychiatrist but no formal diagnosis was made. My first post here, back in the summer of 2015 indicates my confusion and the mess I was in. The recycle also helped me realise how I had changed - beneficially - in the intervening two years.

once removed; I'd agree, it can change us in more or less helpful ways. It's up to us to work through it, to discover why we were vulnerable, do sometimes painful therapeutic work, to emerge in time, and gradually, wiser with increased awareness and more self caring.

Me and Thee; I remember that pain, and the sense of being overwhelmed. It can get better, in time, with help - although if someone had told me that after three months I'm not sure I would believed them. My sympathy to you and my encouragement to dig deep and discover why you got involved. All good wishes to you.

Troisette

[Steeplechase]

Although this description sounds very familiar and I do identify with it I have to add to what @Once Removed is saying. 

Yes, it's really difficult to navigate a relationship with someone with BPD but, those with the disorder suffer immensely in ways we can't empathize with completely.  My pwBPD has had a really long line of failed relationships and it sounds like they were all quite tragic.  She's had to move many, many times.  She has few friends and is mostly estranged from her family.  Her D13, whom I love very much, struggles greatly with her Mom's intense emotions. If my W and I split she will have trouble landing on her feet somewhere and may have to move back home with her Mom.  Her relationship with her D is very close and she already doesn't get to see her very often.  If I leave then she may see her less.  Also, she is in constant combat with workmates and has trouble holding jobs. I mean imagine feeling like you were going to be betrayed and abandoned at the drop of a dime.  That's terrifying. 

I know deep down she is a very loving, kind, intelligent, and amazing woman.  I had a thought the other day that she'd be the most awesome friend.  She's super direct and honest.  The kind of person who would tell you when you were making mistakes or fooling yourself.  She's definitely not a flatterer, which are what most people are.   

I hope remission becomes a reality for her and she can be dining with a man sometime in the future relating her story of recovery from BPD to him.  And this guy, he's got the emotional maturity and high self esteem required to be a great partner to someone who struggles with BPD. 

She deserves it

[troisette]

I sympathise and understand the points you make religispill. I also had compassion for my ex, especially during the recycle when I saw him so much more clearly with the knowledge I had acquired during two years of NC.

My post is not condemnatory of those with BPD; it's a distanced perspective on the effect they have upon us.

[Steeplechase]

Sorry if I sounded defensive.  I'm right in the thick of things with my pwBPD right now.  My emotions are all over the place !