A changed man when I became dependent and needed care

[TheViewFromHere]

Hello everyone,
I had to have unexpected surgery some weeks ago and my husband became the most caring, tender and loving person towards me. I am happy to say that I am making a good recovery and gradually gaining back my health and independence but last night he reverted to old patterns - a real episode where there was no talking to him, and over something that seems so trivial. I was taken by surprise (as always in these situations) and didn't know how to respond except by verbally defending my position. Now I feel it's back to the whole walking on eggshells scenario once more.
It seems to me that he can behave with the utmost compassion if I am dependent, but I seem to be some kind of threat when I am regaining my autonomy. Is this a common thing and how do I deal with it? I find myself today doubting myself, being wary, and thinking I really must be an unbearable person to live with and selfish, as he told me.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi TheViewFromHere,

Your description of this dynamic is very relatable: "he can behave with the utmost compassion if I am dependent, but I seem to be some kind of threat when I am regaining my autonomy."  On the other hand, even at moments where one might hope for the "utmost compassion" a partner not well attuned to other's emotions can also not provide any compassion at all. It can be tough in so many ways!

One tool I would highly recommend is to not JADE(justify, argue, defend, explain): https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

Also, it is very important in these difficult relationships not to lose your sense of self, or start to believe the insults you may be hearing. I know it is hard, but I'd suggest keeping this a goal - hold onto yourself.

take care, pearlsw.

[TheViewFromHere]

Hi Pearlsw,
Thanks for your response and yes, I did JADE so got into a whole spiral which I could not get out of.
And it's so, so hard not to lose your sense of self in these situations, not to believe at some level the accusations that are thrown. I've now read the SET guidelines and would love to think I could put them into practice.
Now that we are a couple of days past the most recent 'incident' I'm just so wary, feel that I'm circling around him, just can't trust that it all seems ok to him now, has he forgotten it all? - I'm keeping an emotional distance. It's all exhausting.