School Issues With S13 and ExuBPDw Hiring Advocate

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Wednesday of last week our S13 was found to have carried a knife to school.  Unknown to others he was having some issues with a couple other boys in school, bullying type issues, being told, “no one likes you,” etc.

The knife was given to S13 a few years ago by ex's mother's crazy husband - for camping.  After learning of this I had told ex that there was no way that S13 should have a knife.  Nothing happened and the knife was not taken from him.

So, unfortunately, rather than tell someone, S13 takes the knife to school.  These kids start messing with him and he shows them the knife.  It’s a pocket knife, he brings it out of his bag.  :)oesn’t wield the blade, but shows them the knife.  After we left the police station he told us that he wanted them to know, “he wasn’t someone to mess with.”  He did have a small red mark on his forehead where someone had hit him.

In recent time, S13 has been reported as creating issues at school.  One report was that he was pestering a young girl at the local convenience store before school, playing with her ponytail and taking her knit winter hat.  The Principal described it to me as “elementary” type behavior.  Her parents called school.  It seems parents’ first reaction anymore is to call school.  

So now with the knife incident S13 is suspended for 10 days and there is a meeting on 12/11 at school, with S13, to, amongst other things, discuss the “possibility” of S13 returning to school.

ExuBPDw’s immediate reaction is to hire an advocate and force a change in placement for S13.  She is thinking that the School District will foot the bill to send S13 to a local private school!  Ex had attempted to hire an advocate two years ago when the SD recommended changing S13 to a different school, to the emotional support school for the district.  She wouldn’t have it, suggested we hire the advocate and force the SD to establish the emotional support resources in his current school.  After awhile of pondering by myself, I recognized that it was foolish to think that school could, over the course of the summer, create and establish the ES resources at his existing school.  Given shared parenting, I signed the paperwork to have S13 moved to the ES school.  It went fine.

Also amongst the kneejerk reactions is the need for medication fro S13.  Ex herself gets anti-depressants from her ob-gyn with no associated therapy.  Not the way and I had recognized for a long time her "band-aid" fix with medication for herself.

So now this incident and the knee jerk reaction to hire the advocate.  Part of me knows, or thinks, that the reaction to hire the advocate (the same one as suggested before) is driven by the fact that her first attempt was unsuccessful and she’s trying to be “right” again.  ON the other hand, I want to reduce the possibility of S13 being expelled and having to find alternate school placement that could cost money.  So I’m going along with the advocate.  For now.  However, I see the advocate and what ex is telling me to be no different than how she treats her own behavior – find someone to blame.  It’s his IEP, it’s school personnel, etc.  It’s never S13’s behavior which even she is now having an issue with corralling.

My other fear, actually continuous, ex seems to not understand that the behaviors must change.  She never seems to get to the point of admitting  that S13’s behavior is the root of the problems.  He’s now getting older and her BS methods of parenting by always appeasing have caught up with her.  Up until now she had tried to control such things as homework, enstilled the notion that only she could help him with his homework.  Well now S13 plays all kinds of games with ex, ie. lying about having his homework finished, lying about having homework, to her.  

S13 himself seems as if he has thrown in the towel.  He has few friends, but has attracted many haters.  I have tried to reason with him about his behavior, that others see what he is doing and opt to stay clear of him.  He claims he, “doesn’t care” whether anyone likes him or not.  He really does little to present himself in a favorable light to classmates.  He even criticizes his “friends” during class, calling out and criticizing answers they give during class.  Just bad social skills.  But he accepts no criticism no matter how constructive.  

I’m looking for suggestions on how to proceed.  Words of wisdom.        

[scraps66]

Wednesday of last week our S13 was found to have carried a knife to school.  Unknown to others he was having some issues with a couple other boys in school, bullying type issues, being told, “no one likes you,” etc.

The knife was given to S13 a few years ago by ex's mother's crazy husband - for camping.  After learning of this I had told ex that there was no way that S13 should have a knife.  Nothing happened and the knife was not taken from him.

So, unfortunately, rather than tell someone, S13 takes the knife to school.  These kids start messing with him and he shows them the knife.  It’s a pocket knife, he brings it out of his bag.  :)oesn’t wield the blade, but shows them the knife.  After we left the police station he told us that he wanted them to know, “he wasn’t someone to mess with.”  He did have a small red mark on his forehead where someone had hit him.

In recent time, S13 has been reported as creating issues at school.  One report was that he was pestering a young girl at the local convenience store before school, playing with her ponytail and taking her knit winter hat.  The Principal described it to me as “elementary” type behavior.  Her parents called school.  It seems parents’ first reaction anymore is to call school.  

So now with the knife incident S13 is suspended for 10 days and there is a meeting on 12/11 at school, with S13, to, amongst other things, discuss the “possibility” of S13 returning to school.

ExuBPDw’s immediate reaction is to hire an advocate and force a change in placement for S13.  She is thinking that the School District will foot the bill to send S13 to a local private school!  Ex had attempted to hire an advocate two years ago when the SD recommended changing S13 to a different school, to the emotional support school for the district.  She wouldn’t have it, suggested we hire the advocate and force the SD to establish the emotional support resources in his current school.  After awhile of pondering by myself, I recognized that it was foolish to think that school could, over the course of the summer, create and establish the ES resources at his existing school.  Given shared parenting, I signed the paperwork to have S13 moved to the ES school.  It went fine.

Also amongst the kneejerk reactions is the need for medication fro S13.  Ex herself gets anti-depressants from her ob-gyn with no associated therapy.  Not the way and I had recognized for a long time her "band-aid" fix with medication for herself.

So now this incident and the knee jerk reaction to hire the advocate.  Part of me knows, or thinks, that the reaction to hire the advocate (the same one as suggested before) is driven by the fact that her first attempt was unsuccessful and she’s trying to be “right” again.  ON the other hand, I want to reduce the possibility of S13 being expelled and having to find alternate school placement that could cost money.  So I’m going along with the advocate.  For now.  However, I see the advocate and what ex is telling me to be no different than how she treats her own behavior – find someone to blame.  It’s his IEP, it’s school personnel, etc.  It’s never S13’s behavior which even she is now having an issue with corralling.

My other fear, actually continuous, ex seems to not understand that the behaviors must change.  She never seems to get to the point of admitting  that S13’s behavior is the root of the problems.  He’s now getting older and her BS methods of parenting by always appeasing have caught up with her.  Up until now she had tried to control such things as homework, enstilled the notion that only she could help him with his homework.  Well now S13 plays all kinds of games with ex, ie. lying about having his homework finished, lying about having homework, to her.  

S13 himself seems as if he has thrown in the towel.  He has few friends, but has attracted many haters.  I have tried to reason with him about his behavior, that others see what he is doing and opt to stay clear of him.  He claims he, “doesn’t care” whether anyone likes him or not.  He really does little to present himself in a favorable light to classmates.  He even criticizes his “friends” during class, calling out and criticizing answers they give during class.  Just bad social skills.  But he accepts no criticism no matter how constructive.  

I’m looking for suggestions on how to proceed.  Words of wisdom.        

[takingandsending]

scraps66,

I can imagine that you are doing a lot of questioning and wondering what to do for your S13 right now. What you describe is pretty scary stuff for any parent. If your son is being bullied to the point of physical assault, that's significant. So, I don't disagree with hiring an advocate. It sounds as if he needs an advocate in general. He is trying to figure stuff out, struggling, and needs help.

Does S13 see a T currently? I would really recommend that he see a T that is skilled in working with children of BPD parent. My S12 is seeing a T, and she readily notes that he is emotionally functioning at a much lower age than 12, but she provides a source of unconditional loving support for him, she sees the good in him, and gives him an outlet to express what's tied up inside from years of negotiating his BPDm and a weak dad with poor boundaries.

I'd be wary of trying to explain to your son how his behaviors are driving others away. Sounds like he's pretty desperate for connection, and he may take what you are saying in good faith as conclusive proof that he's broken. What sort of validating questions can you ask him that might help him open up? Consistent boundaries are important, but they have to be clearly communicable, i.e. you need to be clear on the value or core belief you are protecting with the boundary. If that comes across consistently, it will make it easier for him to amend his behavior. I may be completely wrong, but I think you may have to redirect your focus from what your xw is doing wrong to the things that you can control, like how you show up for your son.

If you don't believe the advocate is the appropriate way to go, what message are you sending about your boundaries and values if you go along with it? I don't have answers here. I just know that your S13 is probably looking to you, to anyone, to help him sort stuff out.

[flourdust]

Hi, scraps66. Middle school is just horrible. I have a D12 with issues of her own, and the bullying and emotional meltdowns are just a nightmare.

You mentioned that S13 has an IEP -- that's really important, and your best tool for managing the situation, as a properly constructed IEP can establish alternative disciplinary paths to the school's usual suspension/explusion rules. If the IEP isn't up to the task right now, call for a new IEP meeting to modify it.

[scraps66]

I can imagine that you are doing a lot of questioning and wondering what to do for your S13 right now. What you describe is pretty scary stuff for any parent. If your son is being bullied to the point of physical assault, that's significant. So, I don't disagree with hiring an advocate. It sounds as if he needs an advocate in general. He is trying to figure stuff out, struggling, and needs help.

Yes scary on many fronts.  he just doesn't get right from wrong and gets inconsistent consequences for his behaviors.  Now, Mom is dealing with him lying to her which I never thought would be the case.  It's not as if S13 hasn't doled out his own brand of bullying and/or bad behavior.  I had hoped years ago, he is very smart, that he would understand how his behaviors are viewed by his peers. Hasn't happened.  He is consistently calling out in his classes and criticizing other kids answers including his friends.  I think deep down he knowns he's burned a lot of bridges at school.  He won't admit it, but it comes out.  When he says things like, "I don't even know if I want to go back to school," etc. as if he has a choice.

I also fear the future, what does this kid have ahead of him for the rest of his life.  The effects of being so tightly wrapped with a BP parents are staggering.

   

Does S13 see a T currently? I would really recommend that he see a T that is skilled in working with children of BPD parent. My S12 is seeing a T, and she readily notes that he is emotionally functioning at a much lower age than 12, but she provides a source of unconditional loving support for him, she sees the good in him, and gives him an outlet to express what's tied up inside from years of negotiating his BPDm and a weak dad with poor boundaries.

The short answer, no.  He does get "counseling" through his IEP but clearly it's not enough.  This is one of the major things that ex has obstructed.  Numerous occasions of mother either not consenting to therapy or sabotaging therapy.  We had WrapAround services a few years ago, setup by ex when I suggested going to a certain psychologist.  We start the process, and she quickly doesn't participate over about two years.  She showed up at one of the 6 month evaluations, there were three in all, simply to counter anything that I said.  She told me that the first two evaluations were "incorrect" and did not have credibility because they were based on my view of the child. 

Much of what I now see reminds me of Munchausen type behavior from mother.  I think even mother can't look the other way regarding counseling.

I'd be wary of trying to explain to your son how his behaviors are driving others away. Sounds like he's pretty desperate for connection, and he may take what you are saying in good faith as conclusive proof that he's broken. What sort of validating questions can you ask him that might help him open up? Consistent boundaries are important, but they have to be clearly communicable, i.e. you need to be clear on the value or core belief you are protecting with the boundary. If that comes across consistently, it will make it easier for him to amend his behavior. I may be completely wrong, but I think you may have to redirect your focus from what your xw is doing wrong to the things that you can control, like how you show up for your son.

If you don't believe the advocate is the appropriate way to go, what message are you sending about your boundaries and values if you go along with it? I don't have answers here. I just know that your S13 is probably looking to you, to anyone, to help him sort stuff out.

I've succumbed to the advocate.  I think it will help.

I have difficulties reaching S13.  The PAS is pretty deep.  It is almost as if he "tries" to appear that he isn't enjoying himself with me.  He scoffs at the food I prepare even if I make the same thing that his mom and boyfriend make.  I have a bike here for him, he won't ride it.  But mom's boyfriend can come and get the bike and he'll ride it a his mother's.  Or, he'll ask to have his bike from his mother's brought over.  He doesn't listen, has a really tough time following through with what I tell him.  Homework is a disaster thought he is smart.  Mother is routinely communicating with him when he's with me about his homework rather than communicating with me.  She tries to control these things and it makes it difficult for the child to get a consistent message.

So, I spend a lot of time being irritated by his behavior when with me.  I need to change this, but his communications have gotten more "personal" towards me and it just suck the energy out of me.  I will read up on validation again because it is something he desperately needs.  I feel his mother's emotional neediness has him being invalidated all the time and it's taken a toll on his development.