Dysregulating

[AskingWhy]

I have a medical disability where I am often prevented from driving.   As I am of less "use" to my uBPD/uNPDH, he holds this against me.

H was out of town visiting a D and his grandchildren, so he was in a state of happiness and attention-getting for over a week.  There is an enormous Electra complex with H and his D and a good deal of enmeshment, so H was soaking up the attention.  As such, in the value/devalue eyes of a pwBPD, he exalts this D over everyone else when he is in her company, including his W.

As I cannot drive (had some more surgery), H found out he could not get a ride from one of those on-demand ride services.  He would have to pay a large cab fee for a ride home.  H insists on using these services even though he has had bad experiences with them and they are unreliable.

I am predicting H will be in a foul mood when he arrives home, and projects his frustration and rage over the ride service and having to spend money well over what he expected onto me.  He will also no longer be in the presence of his D, who gives him positive attention and adulation.  H and I have been arguing over retirement issues recently.  (In the eyes of H, what is his is his, and what is mine is his.)  Again, my immobility makes me "useless" to him.  I am waiting for him to explode when he gets home, especially after the week's emotional high of being in the presence of his D.

I will report what happens.  

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[pearlsw]

Hi AskingWhy,

I am sorry to hear that your medical disability gets used against you. The ways in which we can valued and devalued are so difficult. I know you give a lot here to help and support others - we're here for you too!

I have been in this kind of a sitting duck situation which you describe - you are waiting at home expecting someone to show up and rage. Try to stay calm and centered. I hope he is not so upset when he arrives, but if he is go slow and try to stay clear in your thoughts.

 

[Tattered Heart]

Although the time has passed, when I'm sitting fretting over a potential blow up, I've found that instead of fretting, it eases my mind to come up with a plan as to how to stay calm in the face of accusation and practice how I can respond to him. I also practice how I can stay relaxed and not walk on egg shells.

Another thing to consider, is that your H may say that you are "useless" but what is he REALLY saying? COuld he be saying that he is frustrated with the service from this transport company? Is he inconvenienced? Is he saying that he misses being around his daughter? Is he just cheap and doesn't like to spend money?

Chances are he understands and knows that you can't drive for a reason and really is sympathetic to that. But one of these other irritations trigger him and he doesn't know how to express it so he projects it onto you as being the problem. So when he begins complaining about the taxi service, how can you validate what he is feeling without making it about your condition (even if he says it is)? Try practicing a few phrases or questions you can try here.

[AskingWhy]

Thank you, pearlsw and Tattered Heart.

H arrived home and was very upset over his travel on planes, buses and taxis.  He admitted he was frustrated over this.

It was not until later that evening that he dysregulated.    It was clear to me he was projecting.

I had been food shopping and was almost finished with making dinner, when he commented that I forgot to buy him orange juice.  He exploded, "Of all the things you bought, I only needed orange juice!  And you totally blew that off!  HOW could you?"  I admitted I forgot to buy it, apologized, and said I would go out and buy it after dinner.  Then H started to sulk and pout.

Then he abruptly got up, put on his coat and shoes and said, "I am going out to buy the orange juice that YOU forgot!"

I lost it.  I then shouted and told him to stop acting like his F.  FIL is uNPD and I see the same behavior in him.  FIL treated MIL very poorly in their 60 years of marriage, and MIL was an enabler.  H knows his F has "something wrong" with him.

H sat down but continued to sulk.  He took off his coat but refused to eat when dinner was set before him.  I calmly then told him, "You can wait until your food gets cold or you don't have to eat it.  You can starve for all I care."  I then compared to all the slack he gives to his adult children for their "mistakes":  traffic tickets, numerous car accidents, getting fired after having an affair with the boss, etc.  (I suspect his children, raised by his XW, are BPD or NPD.)

After I refused to further engage, H started eating but continued to sulk the rest of the evening.  

I swear, it was just like dealing with a three-year old!  

[AskingWhy]

I want to add that I suspect during his visit that he was the center of attention as the guest of his D, SIL and their children.  This caused him to idealize the visit.

Then he had to come home to me, a wife with a medical condition and who is not "perfect" to fit his purposes.  As such, he devalued me.  H is really enmeshed with his children, and used to socialize with them and their friends.  H would host parties and socialize with his 20-somethng children and their friends, providing free food and liquor at these parties.  Of course, the guest all came lured by all the food they could eat and free alcohol.  It was humiliating for my to see my husband trying to "act young" to fit in.

[AskingWhy]

Another observation here.

This evening, H is clearly moping about.  I suspect H is missing the constant adulation of his D, SIL and their children.  His D and family gush over him when he visits because he spends a lot of cash on them, dinners out, travel and accomodations, and amusement parks and toys for the children.  Everyone sucks up grand F.  Naturally, he puts them on a pedestal from all the positive attention and and idealizes them all as perfection.

Now he is back at home and it's just his boring old wife.  I see him for who he is, uBPD/uNPD and all and I don't put him on a pedestal.  I call him out on all of his boundary infractions and dysfunctional actions, epecially if he is raging and withholding affection to punish me for not being his image of perfection and fulfilling his wishes and needs.