Why do I feel guilty and doubt myself all the time?

[zomimom]

I seem to make up my mind how I feel about something, such as staying in or leaving the relationship, I prepare for it, and start taking actions to move forward in a different way, and then I suddenly feel anxious and guilty and second guess myself.  If I decide I'm done with the relationship, I start moving towards separating and then feel guilty that I'm not giving him a chance.  If I decide to stay, I start suggesting marital counseling, and then feel guilty that I'm not being realistic about the outcomes.  Once I start feeling anxious and guilty, I come to a dead stop.  It feels like I'm been on this back and forth cycle for years now.  No matter what, making a decision causes me to end up feeling guilty and anxious. Any suggestions how to battle this?  I'm obviously not happy in the cycle - but how to move forward when I can't decide or feel confident in any decision?

I'm finding this very limiting because it spreads into other areas of my life when I come to a dead stop.  It affects my ability to make decisions as a mother, or at work.   Ugh - just don't see how to fix it.  This is an area I definitely need to improve within myself.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Zomi, I am unfamiliar with your situation, but is it possible that your BPD SO is manipulating your emotions through application of F-O-G (fear, obligation and/or guilt), which is how those w/BPD often seek to control the behavior of us Nons?  I guess what I'm trying to determine is whether your guilt and anxiety come from within, or perhaps from an external source (your SO).

When I feel confused or undecided, the best technique for me is to practice mindfulness and sit with my feelings.  I strive to listen to my gut feelings in order to get clarity.  If I still feel unsure afterwards, then sometimes I may conclude that I need to postpone that particular decision.

In any event, don't beat yourself up!  Be patient, and the answer will come to you in its own good time.

LuckyJim

[zomimom]

Hey Zomi, I am unfamiliar with your situation, but is it possible that your BPD SO is manipulating your emotions through application of F-O-G (fear, obligation and/or guilt), which is how those w/BPD often seek to control the behavior of us Nons?  I guess what I'm trying to determine is whether your guilt and anxiety come from within, or perhaps from an external source (your SO).

When I feel confused or undecided, the best technique for me is to practice mindfulness and sit with my feelings.  I strive to listen to my gut feelings in order to get clarity.  If I still feel unsure afterwards, then sometimes I may conclude that I need to postpone that particular decision.

In any event, don't beat yourself up!  Be patient, and the answer will come to you in its own good time.

LuckyJim

Thanks LuckyJim.  My UBPDh can be controlling and manipulative, but I think this one is me.  I don't know if it is that years of his behavior has left me unable to make a solid decision or have any self-confidence; if my continual struggle with depression is causing it; or if there is something I need to heal in myself in order to make deciding and not feeling guilty easier for me.  I do think my  UBPDh can take advantage of this trait of mine, though.  So I try to be careful of that.  I think I do need to work at understanding my feelings better so I know if it is mine or being influenced from somewhere (or someone) else.

[Lucky Jim]

Well, it's easy to lose one's confidence over the course of a marriage to a pwBPD, because there's a constant barrage on one's self-esteem, or at least that was true of my marriage.  I actually lost myself for a while there in my marriage to my BPDxW, which may be even worse than losing one's confidence.  I forgot who I was, which was not fun.  It's taken a while to get to know myself again and to get back on my path.  Agree, understanding your feelings is key.  Suggest you acknowledge your feelings as they come up, and then process them in some fashion.  How to process?  Talk to a friend or family member, write in a journal, take a walk in the woods, see a therapist, practice mindfulness -- you get the idea!

LJ

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Zorni, this is tough.  I struggle with this, too.  I can offer a few insights I have made in my own decision process.  Maybe you can find some common factors.  Since learning about BPD about 3 years ago, I better understand what I attributed to wishy washiness in my decision making.  The #1 thing for me is that my spouse’s emotions often guide his actions.  For example, perhaps I decide to visit a friend.  I may be firm in my decision and make plans.  However, my husband may get triggered and respond with intense disapproval.  Since this is my life partner disapproving of my decision, I probably will take a step back and try to take in his behavior in response to my decision - use it as input as we would any other rational information.  However, his extreme emotional blow ups are not rational to me and I am left second guessing my decision. 

#2 - the push and pull of a relationship with a BPD partner.  My partner pulls me very close at times and we can both be very happy.  When the relationship gets too close for his comfort, he pushes me away.  Away, away!  Any decision made during the close period can be trounced on during the pushing away period.

#3 - keep in mind that it’s ok to be flexible in decision making.  We don’t want to get caught up in dichotomous thinking.

I understand where you are coming from.  I know what you mean when you say this is on you.    I accept responsibility for my own decision making.  It is very difficult to stick with a decision in the face of an ever changing environment. 

I agree with Lucky Jim, practicing mindfulness is important.  I’m also working on keeping myself (and my emotions) centered instead of swinging wildly to and fro.  Also, looking at how FOG is affecting our situations can give insight. 

Most of all, don’t be too hard on yourself.  None of this is easy.  If it was, we would all have perfect lives, right?

[zomimom]

Well, it's easy to lose one's confidence over the course of a marriage to a pwBPD, because there's a constant barrage on one's self-esteem, or at least that was true of my marriage.  I actually lost myself for a while there in my marriage to my BPDxW, which may be even worse than losing one's confidence.  I forgot who I was, which was not fun.  It's taken a while to get to know myself again and to get back on my path.  Agree, understanding your feelings is key.  Suggest you acknowledge your feelings as they come up, and then process them in some fashion.  How to process?  Talk to a friend or family member, write in a journal, take a walk in the woods, see a therapist, practice mindfulness -- you get the idea!

LJ

Thanks for the insights.  I hope I'm not losing myself, but it is a thought I need to consider.  I am finding my emotions more difficult to understand.  I've been talking it out with a therapist.  Talking with friends also seemed to get me some judgement (of me, of my marriage, of my husband) that I wasn't comfortable with.  I'm just starting to open up these boards (was a reader more than a participator).

[zomimom]

Hi Zorni, this is tough.  I struggle with this, too.  I can offer a few insights I have made in my own decision process.  Maybe you can find some common factors.  Since learning about BPD about 3 years ago, I better understand what I attributed to wishy washiness in my decision making.  The #1 thing for me is that my spouse’s emotions often guide his actions.  For example, perhaps I decide to visit a friend.  I may be firm in my decision and make plans.  However, my husband may get triggered and respond with intense disapproval.  Since this is my life partner disapproving of my decision, I probably will take a step back and try to take in his behavior in response to my decision - use it as input as we would any other rational information.  However, his extreme emotional blow ups are not rational to me and I am left second guessing my decision. 

#2 - the push and pull of a relationship with a BPD partner.  My partner pulls me very close at times and we can both be very happy.  When the relationship gets too close for his comfort, he pushes me away.  Away, away!  Any decision made during the close period can be trounced on during the pushing away period.

#3 - keep in mind that it’s ok to be flexible in decision making.  We don’t want to get caught up in dichotomous thinking.

I understand where you are coming from.  I know what you mean when you say this is on you.    I accept responsibility for my own decision making.  It is very difficult to stick with a decision in the face of an ever changing environment. 

I agree with Lucky Jim, practicing mindfulness is important.  I’m also working on keeping myself (and my emotions) centered instead of swinging wildly to and fro.  Also, looking at how FOG is affecting our situations can give insight. 

Most of all, don’t be too hard on yourself.  None of this is easy.  If it was, we would all have perfect lives, right?

I can relate to #1 big time!  I am constantly thinking I should be considering his emotions/feelings/behaviors as a considerate wife, but then I realize that these aren't always rational things, and that I should be more an emotional leader instead of a reactor.  I'm trying to be flexible in my decision making, but I'm also trying to own it.  Thinking I need to do more work on knowing myself so that I am more committed to my decisions?  Not sure I worded that correctly.  I just want to be able to be more stable in my choices, and have confidence in them. 

Thanks for the input!

[SamwizeGamgee]

Thanks for sharing your feelings and experiences. It takes a healthy person to look inward and work on what one finds there.  That means us “nons” end up doing a lot of self-doubt at times.  I had to grapple with the same ambivalence that you describe. I arrived at thinking of my relationship as 50% normal days, 40% quirky days, and 10% terror.  Since there are more normal days, the consensus says to stay since things are okay.  The 40% says to just hang in there and get stronger and smarter.  The 10% says to run for the hills, but those moments are short lived - and I must rationalize or recover well, since before you know it we’re back to being a semi normal family.  Maddening! 

I’ve decided and un-decided to divorce for about three years.  I am improving inside, but i must remember that the rare days of abuse and darkness do far more harm than the normal days and I think I’m closer to exiting every day that passes. 

Only you can or should decide what to do.  If it’s any comfort, you can make preparations and research about divorce that are completely private and therefore reversible.  BPD people don’t have rational discussions about the pros and cons of abandonment.  You have to be the decisive one. 

[Cat Familiar]

Hi Zomi,
How is it going? Holidays always seem to add to the stress of life with a pwBPD and if I'm not stressed, my BPDh is.

Being in relationship with a pwBPD is challenging since often their opinions can be all over the map and it's hard to make plans and set goals with a partner whose feelings can change on a daily basis.

I've had to become more decisive, instead of collaborative, as is my natural tendency. And of course, then I'm "domineering" but I've gotten over feeling insulted about that. Someone has to be the captain of the ship.

Cat