New(ish) Relationship.

[HistoryAddict]

Hi,  this is my first post here. I've been separated from my husband 11 years, just getting a divorce now. I'm disabled with osteoarthritis, my ex has been very helpful over the years as when we split after his affair, we had 3 kids aged 6, 11 & 13. However, I do feel I have symptoms fitting Dependent Personality Disorder. I prefer staying disabled than coping alone without my ex for eg. But recently I joined a dating site and posted an honest bio, mentioning disability & reclusive nature, didn't expect any interest but got reply from lovely sounding man, shared interest in politics & a few years younger than me, all great! We chatted, had phone call, made friends on FB & chatted on line a few weeks, then I travelled the 80 miles between our homes to spend a weekend with him which was lovely, he took great care of me & I went home feeling I was falling in love!     Went back to chatting on line but he seemed a little less keen as he was before we met, taking couple of days to read my messages, then all reassuring for a few more days, then quiet again. We arranged twice for me to visit again, both cancelled by him, last minute. Then he said he was in a deep depression, was hardly on line for weeks. I felt so cut off from him, only thing I could do was to study his past posts going back a few years. I'd thought he was separated from mum of his 2 grown kids, but  turned out he re-married after that & it only lasted 20 months, living together & Marriage. Then postsfrom a mental health support worker discussing hisBPD with him. Looks like he sought help after marriage failed. I've read up lots about it to try to understand more. I lovehim and want to be there for him. He knows I've seen these posts but not discussed it with me.  Just constantly reassures me he cares for me, wants to see me again, is going nowhere... .2 weeks ago he said he'd visit me, build some flat pack furniture for me before I get my hip replaced in a few weeks time, he didn't turn up!  explained was feeling very low again, had run out of his meds recently on trip to see family, will be better soon & will visit me then.  This has been going on 6 months now. Is there any hope for the future in your opinion? What should I do for the best chance? I don't even expect much living 80 miles apart, it'd be nice to see each other every couple of months though. I feel very involved with him, shared my life story on line with him, feel I can't live without him now! probably my own dependant personality type coming out there. Been lonely so many years. And of course want to help and love him too. I'd welcome any thoughts or advice regarding this situation, thank you.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[AskingWhy]

Welcome, HistoryAddict, and thank you for your candor.  Here are some virtual hugs!

You already have a lot of introspection on how you may be DPD, and this takes strength of mind to admit it.  

Introspection is the hardest thing to do and many people can't do it.

As for your relationship, be cautious and do not be so quick to idealize someone at the very beginning of a relationship.   Take it slowly.

Many of us here are in your shoes--starting with myself!

Before you start diagnosing yourself, have you thought of seeing a therapist?  A professional might help sort out your concerns.   As recluse, this might be hard for you, but therapists are professionals who talk to all sorts of people every day.  Think of them as doctors for your emotions.  You might not disrobe for just anyone, but one removes clothing so a doctor can examine our bodies to heal us.  Likewise, you open up your emotions to the therapist for examination and help.

Your arthritis causes you immobility, and this gives you a lot of time to ruminate over and over about this relationship.    It sounds like the man you are dating might have problems of his own that he is facing such as depression and BPD.  

Again, be strong!  No one has a crystal ball, but at least your SO is seeking counseling.

Please read this article and see if it is relevant to your situation.  Let us know what you think.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

[HistoryAddict]

Hello AskingWhy, thank you for your reply, sorry it took me so long to get back to you. My BPD boyfriend finally kept his promise to visit me 2 weeks ago, built the furniture, we had a lovely couple of days together, he met my 3 teenage/twenties kids, the final morning he took me to the hospital for my hip replacement operation, then got a train home. He texted in a caring way later that day and more the next, followed by 10 days now of TOTAL SILENCE. I got home after 5 days, hoping for messages of support, nothing, he's just ignoring my texts, he's been active on facebook so I know he's OK. It's so frustrating and confusing.   You asked me about seeing a therapist myself, I've had bad experience of that. I saw a psychiatrist a few years ago, but foolishly he allowed my then husband to come in the room with me, I didn't know he was having an affair then but I knew things weren't right and was worried he was thinking of leaving, so I spoke to the psychiatrist in a way to strike fear into my hubby about leaving me alone with the kids. Result was a false diagnosis of aspergers! I spent months writing to the man trying to undo the diagnosis and get it off my medical record, I did in the end. I foolishly acted up to scare my ex who then lived with me.  As for now, I feel that if there's help available on the struggling NHS, it should go to a younger person than me, I'm too old to bother about at 56, I think I should just cut my cloth to fit my life, live a life that fits in with my problems. I've now addressed my disability & had a hip replacement, but only because of meeting my BPD boyfriend, he encouraged me to have it, but without him in my life I wouldn't feel I needed it, just one reason I'm so troubled when he goes silent and distant on me.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi HistoryAddict,

I'm sorry to hear that things have not been very stable and consistent in your relationship. Since you are in a newer relationship, I'd like to share one of our articles about How a Borderline Relationship Evolves . Since you believe you may have DPD, it's going to be even more important for you to begin looking at your role in the relationship in order to not lose yourself completely. It will be essential for you to have clear boundaries, stand up for yourself, and protect yourself emotionally.

It's can be hard to go back to therapy when you have had a bad experience, but I think it would really help you work through your feelings of dependency. If you dont like the therapist, you can always try another until you find the right fit.

IN the time between hearing from your bf, what can you begin doing for yourself to start feeling a little more independent, even the tiniest thing?