Do BPDs often project a Supposed BPD diagnosis on their significant other?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I’ve spent several grueling years being labeled as BPD by my ex.  Deep down I know I’m not and I’ve always known it, but sometimes I’ve had to take a really hard look at myself to be sure.  I’ve seen the same therapist for 3 years and, despite what I know about myself deep down, I still sometimes ask my therapist if I’m BPD just to be sure. 

After much reflection, and considering the things my ex has done and continues to do almost 2 years after our divorce was final, I think My ex is BPD.  I’ve avoided that label because it was so hurtful to me to be falsely labeled, but his behavior is not within the normal range and it keeps getting worse.

Am I alone in this experience?

[Steady]

I’ve spent several grueling years being labeled as BPD by my ex.  Deep down I know I’m not and I’ve always known it, but sometimes I’ve had to take a really hard look at myself to be sure.  I’ve seen the same therapist for 3 years and, despite what I know about myself deep down, I still sometimes ask my therapist if I’m BPD just to be sure. 

After much reflection, and considering the things my ex has done and continues to do almost 2 years after our divorce was final, I think My ex is BPD.  I’ve avoided that label because it was so hurtful to me to be falsely labeled, but his behavior is not within the normal range and it keeps getting worse.

Am I alone in this experience?

[Enabler]

Morning Steady, welcome to the board, there's a wealth of information in the insights/diagnosis and treatment sections above and it's been expertly filtered of the nonsense you may find on other websites. It would be helpful if you could tell us a little bit about your ex's behaviours and also the behaviours he identified in you that led him to believe you might suffer from BPD... .you may also identify your own behaviours which you feel might correlate with BPD.

I'm sure we can all identify with some of the things on the BPD tick list. The experience of being in an intimate relationship with a pwBPD can often lead to the sense of "crazy-making", instability in your own emotional environment and there's often a lot of accusations and projected thoughts flying around. In my personal experience I adopted a lot of the guilt and shame and took personal responsibility for the poor relationship believing I was the one with the problem. It's only recently with the help of some of the people on the board here and a T, I have been able to take a 30,000ft view of the relationship and see the dynamic for what it was. We both contributed to the relationship problems in different ways but clarity over how the relationship was actually working and how BPD was working in the way my wife was processing information and emotions has been very enlightening and transformative. I had periods of anger and rage in the relationship, some was a reaction to her behaviour, some was to do with me... .but I know that I do not suffer from BPD. It's important to remember that although a PD can be weaker or stronger in it's expression it's a long term disorder which has been expressed for a number of years often becoming evident from teenage years. It's not something that comes about just because of a current relationship issue.

[babyducks]

Hi Steady and



I wouldn't say you are alone in your experience.    Actually I would say your experience is pretty common.

People with BPD (pwBPD) often project their pain and shame onto those closest to them.    It's a maladaptive coping trait to rid themselves of difficult emotions and thoughts.

In it's simplest form it can look like,  "It's entirely your fault the relationship failed, you are a horrible human being."

More emotional maturity normally says,   "it's not one person or one problem, it's combinations of things."

  I’ve avoided that label because it was so hurtful to me to be falsely labeled, but his behavior is not within the normal range and it keeps getting worse.

Do you feel comfortable telling us what keeps getting worse?

'ducks

[Steady]

I wrote that in a moment of frustration after reading back through notes from individual therapy and couples therapy two years ago.  After a night’s sleep I’m back to my prior conclusion... .like the majority of the population, he doesn’t have a diagnosable personality disorder.  He is just a miserable, dissatisfied, rejected person who ranks very high on vindictiveness.  As nice as it would be to label him BPD and this absolve myself of responsibility, to do so would make me no better. Unfortunately, with the internet it is all too easy to play amateur therapist.  Finding an anonymous support group of similarly hurt people feels good, but it just reinforces the things we want to believe.  He gave me an amateur diagnosis and had his conclusions reinforced by other amateurs online.  Of course a person who is crazy enough to reject him must have a legit personality disorder—he fails to mention all the times he was physically and verbally  abusive.  He was vicious during our divorce because you have to be firm and have  no empathy, otherwise a BPD will drag it out forever—he fails to mention our divorce was finished in 4 months, it could hardly be faster.  Even though the evidence every time  is contrary to me having BPD, he continues to bully me because this is how the forums advise him to deal with a BPD.  It is sad.  Sad for me to be treated like this, and sad that he is so blindly wrongheaded.

So here I am, two years later, defending myself from a false protection order.  Watching him file for a paycheck garnishment every two months even though I’ve never missed a child support payment.  Hearing from acquaintances that I gave myself black eyes and threw myself down the stairs and injured my knee. Having the police stop by the vacation condo for a welfare check while on vacation with my boys... .  He is so believable and I’m just the quiet one.  I don’t waste my breath defending against his lies, but I’ll be damned if I allow him to use the legal system to falsely label me a stalker without a fight.  I had a lawyer prepare and file a consent and deny, but I just couldn’t do it—I attended the hearing and asked for it to be withdrawn.  I thought I could just allow a protection order to be entered against me.  After all, I would LOVE no contact with him.  But his goal is to slander my name and reputation permanently, in the public record, and he is willing to lie to do it.  How Can I just slow that without a fight?  I couldn’t, as it turns out.

I feel hopeless.  I feel like I will never be free from his harassment.  He finds internet people who are very supportive and affirming of his one-sided narrative.  He has a lawyer who is happy to take his money and file for garnishments that are repeatedly denied by the court.  However, it isn’t illegal to be an ass, and lying to get a protection order is his game, not mine.  I don’t know how long he will continue doing these things, but mentally I have to expect that the answer is  “for the rest of my life.”

[once removed]

I wrote that in a moment of frustration after reading back through notes from individual therapy and couples therapy two years ago.  After a night’s sleep I’m back to my prior conclusion... .like the majority of the population, he doesn’t have a diagnosable personality disorder.  He is just a miserable, dissatisfied, rejected person who ranks very high on vindictiveness.  As nice as it would be to label him BPD and this absolve myself of responsibility, to do so would make me no better. Unfortunately, with the internet it is all too easy to play amateur therapist.  Finding an anonymous support group of similarly hurt people feels good, but it just reinforces the things we want to believe. 

Steady, i think this is a great attitude and it will take you far. i reached similar conclusions myself, and after the relationship was over, and after i grieved, i wanted to focus on what i was responsible for.

and learning about "BPD" indirectly enabled me to do so. the silver lining was that all of the skills and tools i learned here to apply with someone with BPD traits, i realized work with everyone. the world is full of difficult people that may not have a diagnosable personality disorder, but may have traits, or may have traits of mental illness, or may just be "jerks". putting those skills and tools into practice made me stronger, more resilient, and improved my relationships of all kinds.

you still have a lot on your plate in dealing with him, so these tools can really help. one that helped me to become more aware of my role in dealing with difficult people is the karpman drama triangle. i learned that drama triangles are all around us (not a "BPD thing" and that the moves we make count.

we are doing a series on the karpman drama triangle on the Saving board right now, which might offer some additional insight. in this case, your use of the forum can make for good triangulation. you can ask for and receive support, as youre doing. it would be an especially good idea to post on the Family Law board and get advice and strategies for how to navigate.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle