36 year old man from England,living with partner,son + mother (undiagnosed BPD)

[arlingtonbeech]

Hi everyone.
I underwent bereavement counselling after my father passed away in 2014.  I found that useful, and one of my brothers suggested that I get counselling in relation to the frustrations I experience daily with my mother who is an undiagnosed BPD person.  I thought, I would instead talk to members of a support group such as this, and share with others who have experienced similar issues.  I own my own house which we rent out, so at present we are living in the childhood home with my mother who still resides here.  It was very confusing growing up with her as a mother.  It is only relatively recently that I am coming to terms with who she is.
I hope to gain further insights and meet some of you here.
Mr Beech.

[Kwamina]

Hi Mr Beech and welcome to bpdfamily

I am sorry you lost your dad 3 years ago, losing close family-members can be very tough. Good though that you got counseling to help you in your grieving process.

... .the frustrations I experience daily with my mother who is an undiagnosed BPD person.

Could you tell us a bit more about this, what are your daily frustrations with your mother? What does she say or do that you find difficult to deal with?

It was very confusing growing up with her as a mother.

Being raised by a BPD parent can be very confusing indeed. I was raised by a BPD mother too and her strange and often contradictory behaviors really confused me too. What aspects of your mother's behavior most confused you?

The Board Parrot

[arlingtonbeech]

It is worse since my father passed away; he kept her on a more even keel when he was around.  He also used to make all the financial/business decisions in the household, which she struggles with.  I find as time goes on that I engage with her less and less.  I will just go upstairs to my work room rather than have a conversation with her.  She will ask for an opinion on something, then if you decide to say what you really feel, she will immediately say that it's wrong and take the opposite view.  Why ask for an opinion then?  The other weekend was especially challenging as she took us on a family outing with several car journeys of several hours duration.  When I was critical of her driving style as she was weaving across lanes, she couldn't handle it and reacting with intense emotion to my criticism. 

[Kwamina]

I find as time goes on that I engage with her less and less.  I will just go upstairs to my work room rather than have a conversation with her.

I can relate to this. When I still lived with my mother I often would retreat to my own room in hopes of finding some peace and quiet. How does your mother usually respond when you go into your work room? Does she leave you alone or does she follow you to your work room?

When I was critical of her driving style as she was weaving across lanes, she couldn't handle it and reacting with intense emotion to my criticism.  

Is this your mother's typical driving style, is this something you've had concerns about before?

How are things now between you and your mother after that intense emotional reaction she had?

[arlingtonbeech]

I have been left alone more lately.  There have been times previously, where she came in, and had asked her to leave, she wouldn't.  She doesn't understand the concept of boundaries.

My mother's typical driving style is very stop-start on the gas pedal.  I always felt comfortable when my father was driving.

Things between us generally aren't great nowadays.  I tend to avoid her.  Everything seems to trigger her and I feel increasingly exasperated.

[Kwamina]

Hi again arlingtonbeech

Everything seems to trigger her and I feel increasingly exasperated.

Some weeks have passed since you made this post. How are things now?