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[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've been part of this message board for a few months and you know like everyone else sometimes breakups with someone that is diagnosed with BPD isn't that easy it can take weeks or months or years to happen. And to be honest mine took almost 3 years. One moment you think it's over and then the next moment he or she calls you back and you go because you almost missed the pain in the craziness the addiction that you have to this person. Really you can't describe the feeling but you go from being a normal person that has boundaries something else.

I'm pretty sure the relationship I had with this woman has come to an end. I have set up so much boundaries and she has tried probably harder than she's ever tried in last 3 years to convince me to stay with her. It was let's take a trip I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry to her blaming everyone but me for the first time in years. And all because I kept away. I used to be the problem and now everyone else is.

She looks at me as the strong one now and not the other way around. The man that she used to hit and be little and insults and isolate I kind of got myself back together but I still feel very sad because I wanted to give her a good life then walking away is probably the hardest thing because when she was good I really could love her the way I wanted to and I would have gone to the moon for her.

Tonight she begged me to come over and see her she begged she said she needed to see me and beg for more. It was hard hearing her cry so I went to her place and she vented for over an hour about everything wrong in her life about how her father left her and her mother has treated her like nothing. It pains me to hear this. That her brother beat her up. And I sit and I listen to her and this whole thing kills me it literally tears my heart and I look at her when she's crying and I just want to kiss her and make her feel better but I know that if I do it any happiness for myself will be gone over a short time. So I stay in my seat and I just put my hand on my face watching her cry and then she comes over and buries her face in my chest and tells me how sorry she is for everything she ever did wrong to me and she keeps on saying sorry I don't know what to believe but I cry too because this f****** hurts and in my heart I feel like she's never going to find peace in this f****** tears me apart. And then I tell her I'm sorry too and that I forgive her for everything because at the end of the day as much pain as I went through she has to live with her for the rest of our life and if I can give her one moment of peace with a forgiveness then I will do that for her.

She tells me she's alone she has nobody and what's worse is that she made this choice. She had me she had my family she had my dog and she just didn't care she wanted everything her way. And at the end of it all when I finally left she called me and asked me if we could possibly see each other within a few weeks to months and that I would call her on February 1st. And I realize this all comes from her abandonment problems. So I agreed I told her I would call it February 1st. Did I do something wrong?

[epicdaydream]

I've been part of this message board for a few months and you know like everyone else sometimes breakups with someone that is diagnosed with BPD isn't that easy it can take weeks or months or years to happen. And to be honest mine took almost 3 years. One moment you think it's over and then the next moment he or she calls you back and you go because you almost missed the pain in the craziness the addiction that you have to this person. Really you can't describe the feeling but you go from being a normal person that has boundaries something else.

I'm pretty sure the relationship I had with this woman has come to an end. I have set up so much boundaries and she has tried probably harder than she's ever tried in last 3 years to convince me to stay with her. It was let's take a trip I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry to her blaming everyone but me for the first time in years. And all because I kept away. I used to be the problem and now everyone else is.

She looks at me as the strong one now and not the other way around. The man that she used to hit and be little and insults and isolate I kind of got myself back together but I still feel very sad because I wanted to give her a good life then walking away is probably the hardest thing because when she was good I really could love her the way I wanted to and I would have gone to the moon for her.

Tonight she begged me to come over and see her she begged she said she needed to see me and beg for more. It was hard hearing her cry so I went to her place and she vented for over an hour about everything wrong in her life about how her father left her and her mother has treated her like nothing. It pains me to hear this. That her brother beat her up. And I sit and I listen to her and this whole thing kills me it literally tears my heart and I look at her when she's crying and I just want to kiss her and make her feel better but I know that if I do it any happiness for myself will be gone over a short time. So I stay in my seat and I just put my hand on my face watching her cry and then she comes over and buries her face in my chest and tells me how sorry she is for everything she ever did wrong to me and she keeps on saying sorry I don't know what to believe but I cry too because this f****** hurts and in my heart I feel like she's never going to find peace in this f****** tears me apart. And then I tell her I'm sorry too and that I forgive her for everything because at the end of the day as much pain as I went through she has to live with her for the rest of our life and if I can give her one moment of peace with a forgiveness then I will do that for her.

She tells me she's alone she has nobody and what's worse is that she made this choice. She had me she had my family she had my dog and she just didn't care she wanted everything her way. And at the end of it all when I finally left she called me and asked me if we could possibly see each other within a few weeks to months and that I would call her on February 1st. And I realize this all comes from her abandonment problems. So I agreed I told her I would call it February 1st. Did I do something wrong?

[SlyQQ]

yes

[Cire155]

She tells me she's alone she has nobody and what's worse is that she made this choice. She had me she had my family she had my dog and she just didn't care she wanted everything her way. And at the end of it all when I finally left she called me and asked me if we could possibly see each other within a few weeks to months and that I would call her on February 1st. And I realize this all comes from her abandonment problems. So I agreed I told her I would call it February 1st. Did I do something wrong?

Yes you did something wrong. You are starting to neglect YOURSELF! again. Lets take a look at what you said.
1. She wants things her way. This is her trying to control you again through manipulation. She is only fearing abandonment and will not blame you in the beginning because it will make you vulnerable. Trust and believe the blame will shift back to you once the claws are back in you
2. She looks at you as strong now. Yes and that is why she will direct blame at everyone else because if she directs anything to you right now, you will know what she is up to. She is preying on your vulnerability of being in denial. What better way to do that then to play on your " remembering the good times" or " This person is trying to change mentality" she won't change. DON'T FALL FOR IT.
Do not entertain her. I know you know she is toxic. I'm 100% sure you know. Don't fall back into the fog. I'm here to tell you DON'T DO IT! Don't enable this toxic behavior. You deserve so much better.

But I don't know you or your partner so I can't make a decision for you. I just read the hurt in your post and it makes me remember when my boundaries were destroyed and the violent displays my ex showed towards me. I still showed compassion and neglected myself. The old saying is so true." You can't love anyone if you don't love yourself". If you are not emotionally healthy then how can you honestly help her?

[Mutt]

Hi epicdaydream,



I can tell that you care a lot about her but many of us here fall into the trap believing that we can help them. Our love is not above the disorder, we can’t cure by soothing our exes that only prolongs things, she has to want to help herself nobody else can do that for her. It’s hard to hear but there’s no magic pill.

You’re still pretty attached to her. We can’t tell you what to do. Have you thought about joining the Improving board https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?PHPSESSID=0f000b99046958c52bf05abaeecf6e56&board=6.0 and learn the tools there? The goal of this board is helping each other after a breakup with a pwBPD and the advice here isn’t going to help you if you’re not done with the r/s.

[epicdaydream]

Thank you fornthe responses. I will follow up later today.

[ynwa]

Hey There Epic.    I am standing right next to you in everything you said.   

But, it will pass, hopefully faster than slower.   But in anything,  you will not be able to get upstream without a paddle.  This is a way of saying that while you do not have to make anything permanent.  At least take time for yourself to really breathe. 

Your boundaries are fine, and there is nothing wrong with letting them bend or adjusting them as necessary.  The boundary is not this ultimate statement that you cannot take back.  It is there for you to get space between the controllable and the uncontrollable.  Its there for you to be able to step back or forward.  It is there so that when you hear things like "she will never find peace and it is tearing me apart", you can process it not as a reaction but with a sound decision.  It is not likely this is her one "crisis" moment.  She will have more of them. 

So NO, you have done nothing wrong.  You have done what you needed or decided to do, based on putting yourself first.  Not in selfish way, but in a healthy way.   Things need to change right?  You are changing them, for you.  That space will aid the change, and gain you perspective.   Which is not to say that you will not struggle in the meantime.    Does that make sense?

[epicdaydream]

Hey There Epic.    I am standing right next to you in everything you said.   

But, it will pass, hopefully faster than slower.   But in anything,  you will not be able to get upstream without a paddle.  This is a way of saying that while you do not have to make anything permanent.  At least take time for yourself to really breathe. 

Your boundaries are fine, and there is nothing wrong with letting them bend or adjusting them as necessary.  The boundary is not this ultimate statement that you cannot take back.  It is there for you to get space between the controllable and the uncontrollable.  Its there for you to be able to step back or forward.  It is there so that when you hear things like "she will never find peace and it is tearing me apart", you can process it not as a reaction but with a sound decision.  It is not likely this is her one "crisis" moment.  She will have more of them. 

So NO, you have done nothing wrong.  You have done what you needed or decided to do, based on putting yourself first.  Not in selfish way, but in a healthy way.   Things need to change right?  You are changing them, for you.  That space will aid the change, and gain you perspective.   Which is not to say that you will not struggle in the meantime.    Does that make sense?

Yes. Yes it does. Thank you so much. I am sitting at work and there are moments i have to stop and breath. I begin thinking of her alone or her crying by herself and i devestates me. I feel like i too have abandoned her and feeling hurts ... .it was a choice between living a constant daioy rollercoaster or finding peace ... .and maybe someone to love me and make me feel appteciated.

She even told me i could take her phone for a day to show me shes not doing anything wrong. That she wants to go on vaca with me ... .god this is horrible. Her sitting w puffy eyes pleading begging and apologizing and i want to just fall apart ... .no one can know how this feels unless youve been through it ... .letting go of someone who can barely stand on her own and who took me down daily ... .and i still loved her.

Her voice and tears and hug and screaming with saddness echo in my mind ... .its haunting ... .bc the last thing i wanted was this ... .

[Harley Quinn]

Hi epic,

Sorry to hear that you're going through this.  You did what you felt so that cannot be wrong.  You showed restraint and held back from diving in and trying to save her with a kiss and reassurance.  That took a great deal of strength. 

I know exactly how it feels to see someone you love fall apart and beg for you to rescue them and it's not nice at all.  The guilt that you feel though is not necessary.  Even if you were to go back to her, you cannot fix her.  You are not the answer to her problems.  When I let go of that the relief was enormous.  Stepping away is the kinder thing to do for both of you if you know in your heart that you cannot live that way, because things will not change without her making some major decisions and putting some concerted effort and commitment into seeing them through.  Only she can do that and by attempting to salve her wounds you would actually slow that process from being realised. 

I know how hard it is, but you are not responsible for how she feels or what she chooses to do or not do about it.  The thing is, she actually is capable of standing on her own two feet and facing things.  She would rather not though.  It's understandable why, as it's a scary thing to do and tried and tested coping mechanisms have always worked.  However, when they do not work and the partner she is attempting to re engage with does not take the bait, she will be forced to consider other options.  It could be the making of her.  Either that, or she will seek refuge elsewhere.  Which then highlights what your role would have been for her.  Let yourself off the hook.

Love and light x

[epicdaydream]

First I want to thank everyone who's answered me here I mean it means so much to me that these little words that I type here could never do justice and how it makes me feel. It is very difficult for me in some ways and in other ways I feel this great weight lifted off my shoulders and my chest in my mind even though at times when I start thinking it hurts. Being with her hurts more than being away from her I've decided.

I could not reassure her or kiss her in the lips or caress her or even take her sexual advances at times. I actually told her to stop. She actually made this very very difficult for me and in some ways it is selfish and it wasn't kind that she did this even though at times when she would break she would say she knows she needs to let me go

I really forgive her. And I'm not sure if she actually learned anything, I wish I could say that she really understood. One thing I do want to say is that she has admitted that she has a mental disease she calls it and that she knows that she is sick. How she came to that term I'm not really sure but I know from year 1 to year 3 there's been at least some step forward and her actually fully acknowledging she has borderline.

The worst thing about this is that I don't know what became true or what became not true and I told her this. She said she cheated on me, but then she said she was only looking to see my reaction. She wish me dead, but she was just angry. She met someone else, it wasn't true. Everything with her became a guessing game and it always made me feel sick to my stomach no one should go through this it's just not sustainable for a healthy life.

Today was the first day that I really feel like she stopped. I did not hear from her and I am feeling okay with this. I can't go back because I can't accept that it gets so little that I have to put my life aside. I really hope that she finds the courage and help to make big changes in her life I hope she doesn't do anything bad to herself. I know that she has gone through a lot and I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart. But this Heart of Mine It suffered so much trying to get her to acknowledge to show love to show care I only had a few moments of that. Thank you all again for your kind words


 author=Harley Quinn link=topic=317943.msg12920267#msg12920267 date=1512610191]
Hi epic,

Sorry to hear that you're going through this.  You did what you felt so that cannot be wrong.  You showed restraint and held back from diving in and trying to save her with a kiss and reassurance.  That took a great deal of strength.  

I know exactly how it feels to see someone you love fall apart and beg for you to rescue them and it's not nice at all.  The guilt that you feel though is not necessary.  Even if you were to go back to her, you cannot fix her.  You are not the answer to her problems.  When I let go of that the relief was enormous.  Stepping away is the kinder thing to do for both of you if you know in your heart that you cannot live that way, because things will not change without her making some major decisions and putting some concerted effort and commitment into seeing them through.  Only she can do that and by attempting to salve her wounds you would actually slow that process from being realised.  

I know how hard it is, but you are not responsible for how she feels or what she chooses to do or not do about it.  The thing is, she actually is capable of standing on her own two feet and facing things.  She would rather not though.  It's understandable why, as it's a scary thing to do and tried and tested coping mechanisms have always worked.  However, when they do not work and the partner she is attempting to re engage with does not take the bait, she will be forced to consider other options.  It could be the making of her.  Either that, or she will seek refuge elsewhere.  Which then highlights what your role would have been for her.  Let yourself off the hook.

Love and light x
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