Should I tell family I think she has BPD?

[Horizons2]

I work in the mental health field and am well aware of the ethical/safety concerns surrounding diagnosis by family and friends. However my daughter has very clear lifelong behavioural patterns that fit within the BPD realm. She recently married, then cheated on her new husband and has now moved to be with someone else. All this within MONTHS of the wedding. Her husband is understandably suffering terribly, especially as he is a firm believer in making a marriage work, he has associated shame and failure issues as well as the trauma of his "lifelong love" simply leaving for no apparent reason.

I am really concerned about HIS mental health and have mentioned multiple times that she has mental health issues and that you cannot "rationalize" irrational behaviour. I've been advised NOT to tell him about BPD because she is not diagnosed. Besides this, I don't know that the term does much to explain behaviour- Emotional Dysregulation has more meaning to those who don't understand mental illness. So... .I'm caught... .do I send him a link to this site and run the risk of her finding out I'm labelling her?  Or do I watch him holding onto hope which seems futile? If it sounds like I'm more worried about him than her, that is correct right now. She's off in la-la denial fantasy land - nothing wrong with her,he'll be right, this current fantasy is the answer to life blah blah... .for now, HE is the one who needs help to move forward. Any suggestions much appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[byfaith]

Hello Horizons2,

Glad you have reached out here on these boards. I am sorry you are having to go through this and see the ones you care about suffer and you are not really sure what to do.
If you really are concerned about him and you think some direction could help then maybe discuss with him that she has traits and behaviors that are common to BPD. Don't place a hard label on it. Maybe some of her behaviors could be Bipolar etc. Just discuss with him that he may want to begin reading up on these things.

He is probably very confused and hurt. I know this is not easy stuff. We all here found out out about BPD in different ways. I would not leave him in the dark about it.

I would stress to him that he needs to get help for himself also

I found out about BPD by reading a random book I picked up and the chapter I read just jumped out at me that started me on my path to trying to understand the illness.

I hope something I said helped

Good luck

BF

[incadove]

Hi Horizons

I think you are right in offering empathy and support to him - how painful that must be!  especially if he felt deeply in love with her.  But I agree with byfaith that its not necessary to apply a label.  One other thing - if you are worried about his having hope, I think the key thing is that she was not honest with him, and that is why he should cut off, whether or not she has a diagnosis.  People with BPD can choose to be honest, and to honestly deal with their difficult emotions.  So I would say something like - yes, she can be very loving and vulnerable, but she also chose to be dishonest with you, and you just have to protect yourself now. 

Showing him this site might be ok, because the skills here are generally useful, and the community is very supportive.  Maybe express that these patterns of behavior are common and other people are dealing with them, including those diagnosed with BPD.  If you share it along with other non-BPD links about getting over a broken relationship, maybe it won't stand out as labelling her.  And if it gets back to her that you disapproved of her cheating, well, that is probably ok.

Sorry this happened - sounds like you are trying to heal the one most hurt, hope it goes well

[wendydarling]

Hello Horizon2 and welcome to bpdfamily  

I am really concerned about HIS mental health and have mentioned multiple times that she has mental health issues and that you cannot "rationalize" irrational behaviour. I've been advised NOT to tell him about BPD because she is not diagnosed. Besides this, I don't know that the term does much to explain behaviour- Emotional Dysregulation has more meaning to those who don't understand mental illness. So... .I'm caught... .do I send him a link to this site and run the risk of her finding out I'm labelling her?  Or do I watch him holding onto hope which seems futile? If it sounds like I'm more worried about him than her, that is correct right now. She's off in la-la denial fantasy land - nothing wrong with her,he'll be right, this current fantasy is the answer to life blah blah... .for now, HE is the one who needs help to move forward. Any suggestions much appreciated.

I'm sorry you are in a difficult situation and I truly understand, I'd be right where you are and asking the same questions. I think you've answered your own question and given the best advice with out labelling you can to support your son in law at this point. Do you feel you are in/part of their drama? Or are you wanting to help him detach with love?  Do you think he'd find it helpful as a first step to speak with a therapist to help him work through, this is his journey?

Lots of Q's for you, it's good to talk, keep posting - it really helps us work it out  

You are not alone, as you see, we all care, we are here with you  

WDx

[mggt]

Hi,  I also agree that your son in law should be told about your d emotional regulataion disorder ,  the term BPD is so harsh e and scary to other non bps .  It might help him understand your d more, Im wondering how long were they together before they got married , usually bp show there true colors so to speak pretty soon after dating might take 6 months or might take 1 .  They are all  very different but when it comes to intimate relationships its textbook BPD in my personal experience anyway .  Good Luck and thank you for helping your son in law it is the right thing to do