Christmas - Still Struggling after all these years

[cleotokos]

What is it about the holidays that ramps up the drama? Been struggling with uBPDmom for maybe 5 years or so, which is when I realized something was very wrong and it was likely BPD.

Anyhow the latest problem is the holidays. Her SO (uNPD) died a couple of years ago and I feel terrible that she spends holidays alone now. She made Christmas dinner for my brother last year and he didn't bother to show up, so she ate it alone. I was very mad and told her to just come to my house next year. She came for thanksgiving and it was alright, though I generally feel agitated whenever she's around. She lives out of town and doesn't drive so she has to spend the night. She tends to do irritating things like in the morning we'll all be having coffee and she'll say "is there breakfast?" and sit there expectantly. She's an unpleasant houseguest which I could put up with but she's been pushing boundaries lately. I feel like I have to go NC for a while, but what a time to have to do it. She tends towards waif and I think she's been pushing me for a while so I will do it and she can more effectively wallow.

Maybe it is my fault too for not saying anything about all the small things she does until it's to the point my skin crawls when she is around. But I know from experience it's pretty well useless to say anything because she can't see other people's needs if they are an inconvenience her. I may be able to get her to acknowledge that she said or did something careless but the amount of work I have to put in makes it not worth it - which is why she makes it so hard.

The latest issue is that I gave her my address so she could take transit to my house for thanksgiving. She hasn't had my address for years because she periodically lets my brother stay with her - he has drug problems and also mental illness and about 5 years ago he was harassing us to the point we had to move. I don't trust her to keep my address securely that he would not get ahold of it. Also at this time she would report every little thing I would say about him to him even though I repeatedly asked her not to. She reported to him that I said I thought he was doing drugs (he was denying it at the time) and as revenge he broke into our house and stole my laptop. This was the final straw in our decision to move and I haven't given her our address since, which she has been very frustrated by and acts like I'm being unreasonable. He was staying with her at the time and she is careless with leaving her purse around - if he decided he wanted it he could easily get it and I didn't feel safe knowing that.

So she asked for my address to put into Google maps to find our place, promising to destroy it after. I felt hesitant but after she'd said last year she would never let my brother stay with her again, and that she would destroy it, I gave it to her. Of course, she did not destroy it. She told me she'd put it in her address book under someone else's name, which I might have been ok with if she'd run it by me first. I said to her this is not what we agreed, you told me you were going to destroy it and that's the only reason I gave it to you. She then tried to make me feel I'm being unreasonable and started listing reasons she "needs" the address like to mail me cards or in case she has to take a cab to my place. I don't want cards and she comes to my place once or twice a year, I don't think she has EVER taken a cab to any house I've lived in. She wants the address because she wants it, simple as that, and the fact I wouldn't give it to her makes her want it more. I feel like it's about control for her. I set up a boundary and she'll try and push and violate it.

I tried again to explain to her that I didn't appreciate she did one thing after saying she'd do another, and that it made me feel I can't trust her. She said she'd blacked the address out but she memorized it. No apology or acknowledgement. She's doing a lot of waifing about Christmas and "if you don't want me to come", "don't invite me out of guilt", looking for reassurance. But she can't even acknowledge that she did anythig she shouldn't have.

This isn't the only incident, things have been building - she didn't come to my son's first birthday because she planned a yoga retreat that she deemed more important, she violated an old boundary I'd set about her taking responsibility for her relationship with my niece (brother's daughter) which she expects me to facilitate so she doesn't have to interact with niece's grandparents. She tells me about my brother's relationships with very much younger women that I've told her I don't want to hear about because it makes me uncomfortable. She's called/emailed my dad a few times to verbally abuse him about things that happened 35+ years ago. He's had a stroke and is depressed and has memory problems and he's just not doing well. I got after her for it the first time but heard she'd done it again after that. She's now got my brother and his girlfriend, who has paranoid delusions about my mother, living with her again and I feel she's trying to tug me into a rescuer position there, trying to suck me into a triangulation. I do feel she's unsafe living with a mentally ill woman who thinks my mother is evil. But what can I do? She doesn't take any of my advice on it. There's more but this is long enough.

Should I tell her any/all of this? I'm feeling like I need a break. I haven't enforced boundaries in a long time. It's hard to be so vigilant. Now I have a 1 year old and another on the way. What am I showing them by not having Nana at Christmas? Am I putting my needs above the needs of my family? Husband and I had many discussions before our son was born about whether and how much to involve our respective dysfunctional families. I always have hope it's going to be a certain way, and it never seems to work out that way. Thanks for listening.

[Kwamina]

Hi cleotokos

Been a while since I last saw you here

I always have hope it's going to be a certain way, and it never seems to work out that way.

I think this might be a key element. Having boundaries and being able and willing to enforce/defend them is very important. What is also important though, is for us to have the right expectations. In the case of a BPD parent, this unfortuantely can mean drastically lowering our expectations of them or learning to have more realistic expectations based on our past experiences with them and our knowledge of BPD. This does not mean we have to give up hope completely, just that we base our hope in the reality of what BPD is and means for the relationships we are able to have with our disordered family members.

Looking back, do you perhaps think that even after all you've been through with your mother, you still might have been holding on to expectations or hopes that might not be so realistic considering her BPD?

Do you feel like you've really been able to accept or start accepting the reality of your mom having BPD and how this not only affected in the past but very likely will continue to affect her thinking, perception, emotions and behavior in the present and future?

[cleotokos]

Hi Kwamina!


Yes it's been a while - I'm glad I haven't needed the support, but get frustrated because I feel like I should have a handle on all this by now.

Looking back, do you perhaps think that even after all you've been through with your mother, you still might have been holding on to expectations or hopes that might not be so realistic considering her BPD?

Do you feel like you've really been able to accept or start accepting the reality of your mom having BPD and how this not only affected in the past but very likely will continue to affect her thinking, perception, emotions and behavior in the present and future?

Yes, absolutely. But I didn't realize I was slipping into old ways of thinking and feeling. I suppose now that I think about it, I'd hoped my boundaries would change her behaviour. For instance with her seeing my niece - I know that by now she knows what my boundaries are with this, as I have enforced them many times, explaining to her each time. But I let it slip once, then she did it again, and now I'm frustrated and upset because I know she knows, she just hopes I've forgotten or gotten over my "being unreasonable".

I hate that I feel my only choice now is to go NC again. But it's gotten to the point where I can't really emotionally handle the frustration, at least at this point in my life.

[Fie]

Hello 


What a sad and frustrating situation you are finding yourself in.

It's ok to want a break from the drama. And on top of that, NC doesn't have to be forever if you don't want that.

Now I have a 1 year old and another on the way. What am I showing them by not having Nana at Christmas? Am I putting my needs above the needs of my family?

You would be showing them that you have boundaries, for yourself and for the sake of your family. You would be putting the needs of your family above the needs of your mum.
Which is very healthy if you ask me.

Your child is 1 year old. You have another one on the way (congratulations !).
There will be only 1 Christmas with your little one being 1 year old. Children grow so fast, don't forget to enjoy the time you have with them.

[cleotokos]

Hi Fie, thanks for your reply!

You would be showing them that you have boundaries, for yourself and for the sake of your family. You would be putting the needs of your family above the needs of your mum.
Which is very healthy if you ask me.

I struggled with this and ultimately decided to invite her. I don't think it was the right decision. BPDs expect their needs to supercede that of others and I've internalized that for sure. I struggle with feeligs of guilt, even though she should be able to predict the results of her behaviour (and I believe she can, like I said I feel she knows the result will be LC/NC and she's trying to push that so she will have all the more reason to feel sorry for herself).

You are right, we only get so much time with the little ones while they're so little and need to make the most of it. I suppose my thinking was that he has no idea what's going on and I want him to remember Christmas as a special family time. But maybe having an irritated (due to Nana's presence) mom and dad is not the best thing.

Well, know better, do better. I will send her an email after xmas explaining why I'm going LC. It just makes me sad that her little grabs for power are more important to her than whether I feel respected.

[Fie]

If that is what *you* want, you can still withdraw the invitation. With or without a made up excuse. It's entirely up to you.

I know how difficult it is to think beyond the needs and wants of our BPD. We were never taught to think and feel for ourselves, let alone to express those needs. It is very normal you are having difficulties with that   


Watch out with communicating LC. It could create extra drama. Personally I think you can also just install LC without explicitly saying so.

[Kwamina]

Hi again cleotokos

Personally I think you can also just install LC without explicitly saying so.

Exactly! I think Fie has made a very good point here. Though it can be nice to explain things, considering the skewed perception of people with BPD, an email like this could indeed lead to more drama. Have you ever gone LC or NC before by writing your mom an email or letter? If you have, how did she respond to it back then?

An important aspect of boundaries is that they do not necessarily have to be verbally communicated. You can also communicate your boundaries non-verbally by changing your behavior. Boundaries are primarily about you, about protecting yourself and putting your own well-being first.