My mother's social life

[FoxC]

When I was a kid, my mother had a few friends, years passing by these relationships have faded or been cut off. Then she divorced my father. Then it seemed I was the only one left for her. We moved to another country. I didn't have a clue about her BPD back then, I was really sorry for her social life. I wanted her to make friends. It seemed to me that not only it would be healthy for her, but for me too: she would be less leaned on me and I could have more freedom too.
My God, what haven't I tried! I organized volunteering trips together, I made her join various clubs: language learning, sports, singing; all sorts of things! But all of these ended the same way: she always interpreted other peoples words, looks, body language as if they were meany and not welcoming her... every time after 1, 2, max 3 times she stopped the activity. HELL.
To sum it all, my mother's social life has been narrowing, not widening. She wouldn't go places by herself: park, swimming pool, cinema without me. And I was blaming myself all this time by wanting go out with my friends sometimes, leaving her alone! No wonder I have no friends now. So for the past year or so, her social life consisted of just going to the supermarket. That's all. And then again, I would have to listen her stories, how the employees of the supermarket were treating her badly and she would boycott some supermarkets, because the "security boys" were driving her crazy. 
This past months I discovered her BPD. I started to change my behavior, and she's been going NUTS beacause of that. Our relationship is COLD alternating with BURNING HOT. And we also moved to another place, which requires some 20min walk to the supermarket, but there's a bus passing by every 15 minutes (she doesn't drive, she says now it's my fault, long story). But she doesn't bother going to the supermarket anymore. She thinks it's up to me to provide her with food. Which I do, but I start to loose my temper. It doesn't bother me to actually get her some things as we still live together, because it's really easy to me, but the thing that she now pass her days locked in the house upsets me a lot!
I know now, I just can't make her socialize with people! she doesn't want to! But she's degrading every day now, and the worst part is that she's comfortable with it! So I'm a bit lost... and angry. My guess, I should provide her with food and other things as long as it doesn't take a lot of time for me. And when I'm really not ok, I will tell her so. I don't see other possibilities, do you?
Do you have some of your stories to share?
Thanks for reading, dear friends

[HappyChappy]

Hey FoxC,

This must be very difficult for you. To be cut off, to be continually criticised.  Your mother’s behaviour does sound very BPD. When you say you don’t see any alternative, you do have a free choice to stay or go, so why do you stay ? Why not make those friendships you say would be healthy for you ? When someone is an adult, we are not required to look after them.

You yourself say your mother has treated others badly, who have chosen to walk away from her. You have the same right to walk away from bad behaviour. They say blood is thicker than water, but it is still a fluid, that flows away. Sounds like your mother can get to the shops on her own, and can cook for herself.

Now you are aware of the BPD, how have you been changing? For me, not knowing about BPD is what trapped me, FOG, fear obligation and guilt anchored me. Not anymore and I’m all the happier for it. As the saying goes, you are not your brothers keeper. If you mother no longer existed, what would you want to do ideally? Welcome to the forum. 

[GeekyGirl]

Hi FoxC,

Being your mother's sole source of social activity does sound like it could be overwhelming. It's completely normal to want a life and friends of your own, and I applaud you for setting boundaries with your mother. At the same time, I can see how you'd not want your mother's condition to degrade any further.

I know now, I just can't make her socialize with people! she doesn't want to!

 You're absolutely right. You can't force her to socialize, nor can you impact her relationships with others. How do you feel about socializing without her?

But she's degrading every day now, and the worst part is that she's comfortable with it! So I'm a bit lost... and angry. My guess, I should provide her with food and other things as long as  it doesn't take a lot of time for me. And when I'm really not ok, I will tell her so.

  That's reasonable. You're setting some boundaries with her, which is a very smart thing to do. How will you explain to her when things are not ok? There are some great tools on this site to help you express that to her.

Much of what you wrote sounded familiar to me. I have a mother with BPD too, and she also struggles to maintain relationships with friends and family, and I've had to set limits with her. It can be difficult, but it is possible.

Keep posting. You will find many of us that can relate to what you're going through.

[FoxC]

Thank you guys for replying so fast.

Well, our road together has been particular. In the past I wasn't aware of her BPD, we were very enmeshed, one person, and so we decided to start a new life in another country. Which I don't regret at all, it's been a healthy choice, and knowing now she's BPD, I'd do the same thing, all along with her... Well, here I am, but the difficulty is, she won't do much efforts herself! I am actually her tool for her goals... and my own steps are forbidden ! Even though our goals are often similar, I'm largely taken advantage of. Crazy.

I'd like to move out, even for some vacation, but our money is quite low. I can't afford it. But I'm working on it, however, but it'll take time. It seems to me, that I have no choice, but to stay and change my behaviors, although it's really hard. Little by little, I'm trying to socialize more myself. Maybe she'll follow my behaviors? It's up to her. Another thing: she's very low functioning, things I won't do for her, she rarely does for herself, how would she ever be without me?

I'm still having difficulties saying her NO in a calm manner. I can say it calmly, but I'll explode later. She really know how to push my buttons, and when I talk like that, I sound myself like some pwBPD.

[HappyChappy]

I just can't make her socialize with people! she doesn't want to! But she's degrading every day now, and the worst part is that she's comfortable with it! So I'm a bit lost... and angry.

Hey FoxC

You indicated this set up is not ideal for you. You recognise you are enmeshed. Have you considered having some me time, where you get out of the house same time each week, or increasing how much me time you have ?  Have you considered going to a Therapist to explore how this has all effected you ?

My BPD would have you believe she could not do anything for herself, necessity was the only thing that got her doing things. When we left home, is when we found out our BPD had lied about what she could not do. She had us doing most the housework from an early age.

You point out your Mum knows how to punch your buttons, a BPD tends to be expert at that. This is how they get us to do things, making us feel guilty or afraid of what will come next if we don't. But much of it is unfair blame or made up fear. All this is hard to see if we are enmeshed. So a bit of distance can be healthy. This is why a BPD would rather isolate us, so no one can point things out.

Does your mother speak the language of the country you have moved to ? Do you have relatives or friends there ?

[Turkish]

Attributing nefarious intentions to others... .sounds like my mother,  who also brought obvious and sometimes dangerous people close to her. Last I heard,  she a going to report her Physician's Assistant for violating HIIPA (confidentiality). The joys of a small town 

My T said something to me about my ex once: "I sense that a lot of your anger stems from you expecting her to be who she is not."

What do you think about this regarding your mom?