Been stupid. Send text message. Got reply.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi,
two weeks ago my exBPD-BF quite suddenly burst out in a rage of anger and stormed out of my apartment. We had been together this time for 15 months, but we had been in love before, 25 years ago. The first two days he send me endless furious messages (a lot of them about all the twisted reasons why he would not repay the 900€ I had lend him), then just silence. The 15 months had been so sweet and loving and intimate, and I am still at a complete loss about why it had to end. We had talked about getting married next summer... !
After he was gone I have been searching online, and started to realise that he probably suffers from BPD. There is also a lot of substance abuse, not able to handle his finances, irresponsible behaviour etc. But I still see him as the sweet boy I met long ago, and the wonderful lover that I spend the last year with.
Last night I've been stupid, send him a text message, just asking if we could talk. Not about money, just talk, about us. His reply was still furious. He made clear that if we would talk, he'd just say things that would hurt me more. I'm devastated. I notice that I am even turning the facts around in my mind: "he knows he will hurt me, so he protects me by not talking to me - and that's positive, right?" I just can't believe it is all over, so suddenly. I read a lot here about cycles, BPD relationships breaking up and getting back together again. Is there a chance he will be coming back to me as well?
Summer

[Summer67]

Hi,
two weeks ago my exBPD-BF quite suddenly burst out in a rage of anger and stormed out of my apartment. We had been together this time for 15 months, but we had been in love before, 25 years ago. The first two days he send me endless furious messages (a lot of them about all the twisted reasons why he would not repay the 900€ I had lend him), then just silence. The 15 months had been so sweet and loving and intimate, and I am still at a complete loss about why it had to end. We had talked about getting married next summer... !
After he was gone I have been searching online, and started to realise that he probably suffers from BPD. There is also a lot of substance abuse, not able to handle his finances, irresponsible behaviour etc. But I still see him as the sweet boy I met long ago, and the wonderful lover that I spend the last year with.
Last night I've been stupid, send him a text message, just asking if we could talk. Not about money, just talk, about us. His reply was still furious. He made clear that if we would talk, he'd just say things that would hurt me more. I'm devastated. I notice that I am even turning the facts around in my mind: "he knows he will hurt me, so he protects me by not talking to me - and that's positive, right?" I just can't believe it is all over, so suddenly. I read a lot here about cycles, BPD relationships breaking up and getting back together again. Is there a chance he will be coming back to me as well?
Summer

[pearlsw]

Hi Summer67,

You dear, sweet person! I am so sorry to hear about what is happening. I know such shock myself. I had a 13 month relationship once with someone who exhibited a few BPD symptoms and he went from telling me he'd "never, ever break up with me" to breaking up within just days. I was in sheer agony and confusion and unbelievable pain. I wanted him back, but had no idea what to say/do/think. He was never the same. He was cold, distant, strange. I eventually managed to see him a few times, I needed some closure, but... .it is hard! You may or may not hear from him or ever know what is really going on - I think it took me three years to truly let it all go, piece by piece. (Not to scare you!) We are here for you! Try to hold strong. Perhaps don't take any such small signs as positive or negative - if he has split you things have moved into a whole other space. Resist the urge to obsess... .though when you are we are also here! Can you be okay, at some point, with not knowing definitively why/how he did this?

[Summer67]

Dear pearlsw,
thank you for your kind words, I immediately started crying again, it is as if I am some sort of open wound and every little thing tears me down. I can foresee what you are describing, how he would be cold and distant if I would see him again now. As if somewhere in his mind a switch has turned.

I've been contacting my whole network, talked to all my friends, even people that I had not seen in a while, just reaching out and letting them know that I need their help and support. Luckily, they all have been wonderful. And this website helps as well.

But still, obsessing is a daily thing for me. I worry about him a lot. I know that the last months he was having conflicts in many other areas in his life: his best friend, his family, his job, his band. He had not paid his rent for months and I believe there was a lawsuit coming up about that. He seemed to be solely and completely focused on me. In hindsight, I should have seen the red flags... .

I am now obsessed with the thought that he started to hate me because he made himself so dependant on me. Everything went wrong after I had been away for work, and he was alone in my house for almost a week, taking care of my dog. Was that too much for him? Does that have to do with fear of abandonment, that I read about here? Is this a logical reaction for a BPD?
love, Summer

[insideoutside]

Hi,
two weeks ago my exBPD-BF quite suddenly burst out in a rage of anger and stormed out of my apartment. We had been together this time for 15 months, but we had been in love before, 25 years ago. The first two days he send me endless furious messages (a lot of them about all the twisted reasons why he would not repay the 900€ I had lend him), then just silence. The 15 months had been so sweet and loving and intimate, and I am still at a complete loss about why it had to end. We had talked about getting married next summer... !
After he was gone I have been searching online, and started to realise that he probably suffers from BPD. There is also a lot of substance abuse, not able to handle his finances, irresponsible behaviour etc. But I still see him as the sweet boy I met long ago, and the wonderful lover that I spend the last year with.
Last night I've been stupid, send him a text message, just asking if we could talk. Not about money, just talk, about us. His reply was still furious. He made clear that if we would talk, he'd just say things that would hurt me more. I'm devastated. I notice that I am even turning the facts around in my mind: "he knows he will hurt me, so he protects me by not talking to me - and that's positive, right?" I just can't believe it is all over, so suddenly. I read a lot here about cycles, BPD relationships breaking up and getting back together again. Is there a chance he will be coming back to me as well?
Summer

I am back in contact with an old boyfriend from 28 years ago.  Just as friends though as I am married and he is not stable enough to have a relationship with anyone.  All I can say is 28 years ago I saw glimpses of possible mental health problems in my friend but we were young and life with him in it was exciting and exhilarating if not a bid odd at times; but I loved his quirkiness.  Fast forward to 2015 when we reconnected.  I saw a different side to him from back then; charming, funny, witty and just came across as being assured and confident.  Of course I know now that some of that was his mask.  Since 2015 we have literally fallen out numerous times and he has always made contact and come back eventually.  The longest stint of NC was 9 months from March this year until early December.  We did have a huge fall out in March and honestly didn't think I'd hear from him again but he's back and he's back to like he was before.  So yes, they definitely do have cycles.  I think I've finally learned that this is just how he is and if I want him in my life then I have to accept he's different from me, what is his reality is his reality and I can't change how he views it and have to just let the cycle run its course.  He would also say things like he didn't want to hurt or upset me, so some do have an awareness of how their actions affects others.

I hope things with your partner works itself out.  It certainly is anxiety inducing when PWBPD get in these cycles.  My advice would be to try and calm down and let things run its course and see what happens if you want him in your life.

[Mutt]

Hi Summer67,

But still, obsessing is a daily thing for me. I worry about him a lot.

I think that a lot of members here can relate with that feeling a lot of us are the caregiver type and have a tendency to rescue people. I can relate with having the urge to rescue our pwBPD you said that he has dependency issues and has been delinquent with his rent.

For some pwBPD they need to hit their rock bottom before they shift into helping themselves instead of depending on others. pwBPD have dependency issues and rely on others to do things that an adult really should be doing themselves. You rescue children or animals don't rescue an adult.

Maybe my situation can help you or maybe it can help someone else that happens to read this. I had to let go and let god. I have kids with my ex and for the sake of the kids I would want her to get help for herself she's on this path because family members and friends unwittingly enable her behavior. As long as she is enabled there's no reason for her to get help. I decided to remove myself from that network of people that enabled her if there is one less person in that network then she may get help sooner rather than later. I believe that only when she's back into a corner that she'll decide that she finally needs help.

Codependency and Codependent Relationships

People with a predisposition to be a codependent enabler often find themselves in relationships where their primary role is that of rescuer, supporter, and confidante. These helper types are often dependent on the other person's poor functioning to satisfy their own emotional needs.