Hi BullCityBiker:Welcome to the Community! I'm so sorry about the situation with your sister. I know how difficult it can be.
There is part of me that wants to write a letter purging my feelings of frustration and anger which I know will not be received well.
I have multiple versions of a letter that I contemplated sending by snail mail to my sister. I still have them tucked away in a computer file - never sent.
I think that the process of writing a letter, as if you were going to send it, can be a good way to vent. I have the
"tell her everything your feel, let her have it" version, the somewhat tamed
"focus on the main issues" version and then there is the totally tamed
"walking on egg shells, I-Statement" version. To date, I haven't sent any version of the letter.
If you haven't drafted a letter yet, consider it as a therapeutic tool. Write it, hold onto it, let some time pass and then read it again. Let it evolve. You can find that your anger may well dissipate from version to version.
I discussed various options during therapy sessions: writing/sending a letter, various versions of a letter, asking my sister for joint therapy sessions with a neutral therapist. After bringing up these issues over the course of a few months, my therapist frankly told me that joint therapy sessions won't likely work. She said that another therapist in her office does joint therapy sessions (mostly couples). She said that generally one person in the joint sessions stops coming to therapy and generally feels that they are being ganged up on.
So, after considering and discussing various options, my therapist recommended limited contact with my sister. She suggested that when I might be ready to resume contact, to meet some place for a meal and talk about light-hearted things. As long as we arent't enteracting during an emotional time, it's likely to be smooth sailing.
My question to you is... .what did you do? What was successful? did you forgive and move on? I don't think I will ever look at her the same after the cruel things she said to me.
Everyone's situation is a little different and to varying degrees. I've come to understand that emotional/stressful life events can bring on extreme BPD traits. Many people with BPD traits are severely lacking in emotional intelligence. They can't or refuse to acknowledge that have done anything wrong.
I, also, have had horrible things said about me and have been blaimed for things and "painted black". like many others, I've felt that I just can't pick up where we left off, as if nothing ever happened. It's amazing how those with BPD/BPD traits can just one day carry on, as if nothing happened (as if they have totally forgotten things they said or did).
I've been told that "shame" in an issue with people with BPD or strong BPD traits. With "shame" in the equation, you won't likely have the frank conversation most of us want (to talk throught the issues). Until they can recognize that they have flaws they need to work on, nothing will likely change with them for the long run. There may be periods of time when all is well in their lives, and the BPD traits are minimal. Stressful events happen for all of us, so unless they learn to manage their emotions, a melt down is down the road.
For me, it was hard to understand how my sister could be a faithful church member and not display her BPD traits with church members. I came to learn that it's common for people with BPD traits to save up their emotions and then dump them only with certain people and perhaps just paint a chosen one or few "black".
I've come to understand that forgiveness is in our best interest. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you need to have future contact with your sister, just that you work through the anger. Unresolved anger will keep eating at you and use up too much energy.
I think there is a grieving process that many of us need to go through. We have to radically accept that we won't ever have the relationship we want with the BPD person in our life. We may forgive, but it's hard to forget hurtful things that were said and/or hurtful acts that took place.
One event can be easy to forgive and move on from (most of us have done that in the past) When we experience a chain of hurtful events, it becomes harder to forgive. We have to accept that our relationship won't likely be a normal and healthy relationship.
The reality is that we can't change the person with BPD/BPD traits. Unless they make some effort to learn coping skills and ways to manage their emotions, not much will change (unless life is always smooth sailing for them). The only thing we have power over is our boundaries, how we interact/communicate with them and how we react to them. Everyone has to make their own decision regarding level of contact. For some, contact level will change between NC to LC (and sometime normal contact). We all have different situations, so we have to do what is best for us in our unique situation.
I often validated her even when she was in the wrong
Sometimes, it can be best to just not invalidate. Validation should only be about acknowledging someone's feelings, not that you agree with their position on something or their behavior.
Take care and let us know how things go.
