I feel like he is sabotaging Christmas

[Tattered Heart]

I’m sitting here trying not to blow up at my H.

Yesterday I went to my moms for Christmas. My H chose not to come with and said he would drive over in the morning. He was supposed to leave no later than 7:30 today to get to my moms by 8:45. I texted him at 6:30 just to make sure he was up and he said he would leave in an hour.

At 8:30 he texts me and says he was just leaving. At 9 I asked what his ETA was and he informed me he was turning back because he forgot something that I had asked him to bring. I thanked him for doing that but he didn’t need to turn back. He insisted on going back. 

So now he is backtracking 30 min and my 3 year old niece who has so patiently but eagerly been waiting to open presents has to wait even longer.

I want us to start without him. My sisters want to wait for him. I really feel like he is sabotaging on purpose. He often runs slightly late, like 15 min but this is ridiculous. I want to yell at him for not leaving on time and I hate that he is now in control of how our day goes.

My family just doesn’t understand how important it is for him to have to deal with natural consequences, i.e. missing opening presents due to his failure to leave on time. If he was 15-30 min late it wouldn’t be a big deal to wait. But 1 1/2 hrs is just rude

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

          thinking of you! prayers! 

[No-One]

Hi Tattered Heart:
I'm so sorry your husband is being difficult.  You may need to radically accept his behaviors and just work around him as best possible.

Sounds like he really didn't want to go, hence the delay tactics.  Also, people with some ADHD and/or OCD tendencies, tend to procrastinate and are late more often than not.  Probably best to tell him an earlier time than scheduled for something and just plan for him being very late. 

In the past, someone in my life was chronically late and procrastinated.  Things are worse when they don't really want to go somewhere.  It's not likely that their behavior will change.  The best thing to do is to not expect it to change.  He is who he is.  Rejoice when he is timely, but don't expect it.  If you don't expect it, you will reduce your stress. 

It's not fair that you always have to be the flexible one, but it can make your life easier.  More often than not, things just won't go as planned. 

[flourdust]

Be wary of those co-dependent rescuer tendencies. They affect more than just your intimate relationship -- they can affect how you go out of your way to "save" others around you.

You're frustrated because your husband is inconveniencing the rest of your family. You are trying to rescue them by fixing things.

Step back for a moment. Your sister is your niece's mom, not you. She can take care of her own kid's needs. You aren't imposing on her by demanding that she wait. She's making that choice on her own.

Let adults make their own choices -- including the choice of whether or not to ask for help.

It's an important step toward freeing ourselves from co-dependency in our intimate relationships.

[Tattered Heart]

Wow! I had never even considered me “fixing” things for the rest of the family! Thanks for the perspective. I’ll have to look for that behavior for the rest of my visit.

Just an update; H arrived. We opened presents and had lunch. Then he suddenly got a work call, came in and said he had to go take care of work. This confirmed my suspicions that he was avoiding. He does this when he gets invited to social events. His work calls can almost always wait and they are rarely emergencies,except when he is where he doesn’t want to be.

Oh well. I texted him and told him I hope his work stuff gets resolved and thanked him for driving over. And now it’s time  for s food induced coma until the next meal.